Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger On Virtual Dating, Connecting and Seeking Self Love During COVID-19
Patti Stanger has cornered the market when it comes to dating, mating, and guiding relationships — all of which have clearly become more troublesome during the coronavirus.
A third-generation matchmaker, Stanger inherited “the gift” of figuring out the intricacies of how chemistry works from her mother and grandmother, way before dating services and online dating came onto the scene.
Today, Bravo TV’s Millionaire Matchmaker, still attracts millions of viewers around the world, even though her show has been off the air for nearly five years. She is a sought after author, speaker, screenwriter, and executive television producer, who has found a way to help us make connections in a frequently disconnected world.
“Everyone wants to find love and often times that search requires some extra help.”
Stanger thoroughly enjoys operating her 20-year-old Millionaire Dating Club, the premiere matchmaking service (featured on her hit TV show); which is currently on hold due to the coronavirus pandemic.
The club works closely with leading psychologists, relationship counselors, dating coaches, hypnotherapist, and image consultants, as well as with a variety of top-notch personal trainers and hairstylists.
More recently, while cleaning out her closets, cooking, and Zoom chats with friends and family, Stanger is percolating ideas for new TV shows, and may even write a healthy eating cookbook.
In addition, she is the executive producer of movies for The Hallmark Movies & Mysteries Channel, including A Fatal Romance, starring Danica McKellar and Victor Webster, with a special cameo from Stanger as a feisty cop.
This is the second movie in her Hallmark MatchMaker Mysteries and premieres on Saturday, April 25. McKellar plays matchmaker, who gets entangled in a case when her ex-boyfriend gets tangled in the murder of a romance writer. She and Detective Kyle Carter (Webster) conduct their own investigation and read between the lines to find the murder.
She well understands that “Everyone wants to find love and often times that search requires some extra help.”
Stanger took time to talk to Medium about how we can stay connected, not give up on love and romance during this global health crisis, how she is isolating at home after a serious bout of what she believes was COVID-19, and how our relationships may drastically change after the pandemic is over.
Finding Love and Connection During A Global Health Crisis
Is there such a thing as virtual dating?
Yes, but only if you take it with a grain of salt. The problem is that you can have a great relationship where you are Face Timing and Zooming and then you meet in person and the connection or the chemistry is lost.
Can you give me an example?
The other day I saw an article in a UK magazine about two people who had been dating online for two weeks during the coronavirus and now they’re exclusive, and I would say that’s ridiculous because you haven’t met in person. I lot can change when this crisis is over.
They were two people in their 40s, and if someone asked me to be exclusive I would respond, “Well, I’d love to, but first I need to meet you face-to-face like a logical person.” It is not like I am advocating “let’s play the field and date a million people on Zoom,” but I don’t believe that you should be putting all your eggs in one basket. I really do not believe you know enough about a person until you meet them in person.
Dating at a distance is…connecting. Even if you can’t touch, taste and feel, you’re still connecting. We have lost connection. We are so obsessed with social media and looking perfect and we’re not talking about connection.
What is so important about someone having face-to-face contact?
It is about the senses. There is smell, touch, and taste. There are all these things that make chemistry possible. For instance, women fall in love between their neurotransmitter and their nose; so if the smell is off, sorry, that dude is not a keeper. However, men are visual, so what you see on the camera may not be exactly what it is like in person. So, there is a physical component that we will forget about when we’re in a heightened state. Now, this is the good news…and the bad news.
You Can Find Chemistry, Even During A Health Pandemic
Is there more good news?
The good news is if two people really connect chemistry wise during the COVID-19 pandemic, you will have a deeper relationship because you fell in love during the coronavirus where it was dating at a distance, which is what I call it. My friends over at Kinetic Content made Love Is Blind, a great new Netflix TV show, [that was renewed for a second and third season on March 24], where the experiment lasted. Four couples actually got in a relationship, three got married and one is still dating and moving in. It is a fabulous show, and the minute I heard about it I knew that it would be a hit.
Please tell me more about this.
It is from the same team as Married At First Sight, the difference was they weren’t quarantined talking through a wall without seeing each other. It was a total dating game one-on-one for two weeks. In this show you are seeing the person, you don’t know enough about them, but if you do have chemistry when you meet in person and it clicks, you’ll have a much deeper relationship.
Why does online dating work well with a global health crisis?
Well, nobody has anything to do so it is not bad to either date online or make friends online. It is a time to slow down, meditate, cook, and garden. It’s definitely a rough time for singles who are quarantined alone. Loneliness hit me hard the other night. I am single. Some days the news is just so bad that you do not see one positive story. I was reading all day long and watching the news and then I just crashed into depression. It will kind of lift your spirits to know, “Hey, you’re not alone, you’re connected, there’s somebody else going through this and he or she is alone, too, in their home.”
Dating at a distance is…
Connecting. Even if you can’t touch, taste, and feel, you’re still connecting. We have lost connection. We are so obsessed with social media and looking perfect and we’re not talking about connection.
Why do you agree with your grandmother that there is a “lid for every pot” when it comes to finding your perfect match?
Everyone can find love. I never want to hear a story of why it can’t happen because there is a love for everybody. It is time to stop living in negativity. At this point in my life, I know what I want and not willing to settle. Now, I want my best friend and compatible partner.
The Good News About Finding True Love Is…
What is a major piece of advice for anyone looking for love?
You just have to be happy with who you are, whether you are 20 pounds overweight, if you are a widow, or if you have been divorced three times. It does not matter what your past is; all that matters is your present.
What surprised you about your business right now?
People still ask me to fix them up. Millionaire’s Club is not fixing anyone up until this thing’s over. We’re not a video chat agency and we are not doing that until they physically can meet in person. Whoever they’ve met already they can have dates with, but we are shut down.
You can still register on my site, MillionairesClub123.com and it’s free. The minute we are back up and running, we will fix our clients up because I’m getting personal messages left and right. But, we are not allowing anyone to meet in person; not even six feet apart. There’s no social distancing at Millionaire’s Club. I do not trust the coronavirus.
What can we do not to feel so alone during this difficult time?
Well, everyone in a high-risk category has to isolate because their bodies may not produce enough antibodies to kick the virus out. I was sick in January for three weeks. I had just come off a plane from Miami, and about 11 days later, I think I might have gotten coronavirus, and I didn’t know it.
That must have been frightening. What did you go through?
I slept for three weeks straight. I had so much pain in my body along with massive headaches. I had pretty much all of the symptoms except I had nausea and now they just added nausea. It scared me. Two of my friends came to visit and they quickly left because they did not want to get the flu. They said, “I remember you laying there looking dead as a doorknob.” It was very scary.
What helps you handle all of this self-isolation?
Step one, the best thing you can do, is to defuse the news. I’m not saying that the reporters on the streets aren’t reporting great stories, but with all of the grave news the positive ones get washed over, like the guy who was more than 100 years old who was also around during the 1918 influenza crisis and he survived COVID-19.
I believe in making time to focus on self-improvement as opposed to focusing on the crisis. Take the time to clean your closets, make specific piles for charity when this is over or selling on eBay.
What is keeping you sane?
Working out. If you do not have any equipment, I recommend that you go to Amazon where you will find a million videos for exercise. There are a lot of yoga apps right now. So, make a schedule for your day so that by the time you go to sleep at 11 p.m., you will be exhausted, and you have a good, positive night’s sleep. A good night’s sleep is going to increase your immunity. I have had some sleepless nights where I have had insomnia and then I am feeling terrible the next day. Sleep deprivation also increases depression, and you don’t want to get depressed.
Tell me your outlook on the pandemic?
It will pass. We do not know how long this is going to be, but if you know that for six months you need to stay in and isolate, and you are not allowed to be with anybody else, but this will save your life in the end, you’re going to be like, “Okay, I’ll take that!”
What are some ways you recommend we spend our time?
I think people need to make a schedule. A friend of mine just started gardening. She had a garden and she bought a kit online. I’m seeing a lot of celebrities, such as Jennifer Aniston and Sharon Stone, doing paint by numbers. I ordered my kit from Amazon. My best friend Jill Zarin is doing puzzles. You have to think of this as an internal staycation, where you get to do whatever you have always wanted, within reason because you are in your house; you can’t leave. Do that instead of dwelling on the news.
I believe in making time to focus on self-improvement as opposed to focusing on the crisis. Take the time to clean your closets, make specific piles for charity when this is over or selling on eBay. One friend sews and she starting making masks and selling them online. Another friend owns L & A Leggings, and they are making masks for the workers on the front lines.
So, you can get involved in the cause because every charity needs help. Jill started Noshes for Nurses. I just put money in for St. John’s to feed them over the weekend. There’s a lot of things you can do that you say to yourself “I never really have time to do that.”
Don’t you agree that it’s a good time to explore something new?
You can start a whole new hobby. I think if you fill your days up then you can sleep easier at night. I’m really into cooking, so I live for cooking. I spend all my days online looking at recipes and trying new things. Now, I’m thinking my next book’s going to be a cookbook. Another close friend and I swap healthy recipes all day long.
How will we emerge changed from this?
Change is not going to come unless we all do this. I’m not a political person at all; I’m more of a humanitarian. What the universe is teaching us, is that it should be about health before wealth, not wealth before health. It’s teaching us that we need to go back to basics.
That’s one of the things that I keep hearing. How often does a busy mom find the time to sit and play a board game or cards with their children for hours at a time?
Rarely ever. Our parents played cards with their friends each week and they talked and connected. In fact, my mother was a backgammon champion at the El Morocco Club in New York, and she even beat Wilt Chamberlain in the finals, which I thought was fascinating. I said to myself “We don’t do any of this.”
I think about it’s about time that we get quiet and gentle with ourselves, take a bath, read a book, make a nice little meal for yourself and just be quiet and still.
It’s kind of like we’re grounded. We were this bad kid who was destroying the planet. But now the pollution is down, the waters are clear.
Mother Nature is kind of pissed off, saying you’re in time out, think about what you’ve done. Then you’ve got to find ways to amuse yourself. If you’re lucky you have a connection with someone in your house like you do with your son. Or you get to do it virtually. Because you’ve got nothing else to do. You can’t work. So, I think about it’s time to get quiet and gentle with ourselves, take a bath, read a book, make a nice little meal for yourself and be quiet and still.
What gives you comfort during this?
I have faith. I’m a very spiritual person, I believe in God, higher power or whatever that energy is. And faith, faith, you have to have faith. It’s time where there are no atheists in foxholes. You’ve got to pray because you’ve got to pray for those who are sick, and those who are on the front lines. This is what war is like, you’ve got to pray.
What else do you feel can help us during this difficult time?
If you’re going to read anything, don’t read about all of the grim stories because the negative stories are horrific; instead, I recommend that you read the recovery stories. There are days when several of my friends who are single slept through three days straight because they were depressed. One of them has a very big business, and she had to layoff her workers and she’s just in terror over it. Will they come back to her? Will they work? There wasn’t a lot of severance to give.
At bedtime write — make a gratitude journal with five things you are grateful for. It can be as simple as I have enough soap in my house. What I realized when I don’t sleep is that I get depressed. so, turn out lights, turn off the TV and put your phone somewhere else. We all need a good night’s sleep.
How This Matchmaker Spends Her Time At Home…Alone
What are some daily issues that you deal with?
It is exhausting just to get a package. I put on my gloves and my mask and wipe the package down with Clorox, let it sit and air dry outside my house. It’s like I’m doing surgery every day. I wipe my groceries down with Clorox and if it’s a vegetable I use vinegar on it. I am dreaming of a chopped salad when this is over, do you believe that? Because I am afraid to eat the raw stuff.
When I go to the grocery store there is nearly no flour, sugar or butter on the shelves — everybody is baking.
Oh, yeah, that’s because that’s the comfort food. Of course, they’re going to have added 20 pounds from being isolated when they get out of this.
I always have a freezer filled with a variety of foods.
Me too. I was raised like that If I don’t have food in my refrigerator, freezer, and pantry I feel naked.
You were comparing this to the hurricanes in Florida.
Yes, I lived there for 12 years, and I went to college there. I lived through Hurricane Andrew. So, when this happens we were so used to cleaning out the shelves, not just water and flashlights, but food, too. Because we didn’t have electricity. Think about how grateful we are that we have electricity. If anyone has lived through a hurricane they know what it feels like to not have water, no electricity, and no AC in the middle of summer because hurricanes come usually July and August.
Finding Love On The Hallmark Channel
I hear we share a guilty pleasure in loving The Hallmark Channel.
Yes. I would recommend turning on Hallmark for the Christmas movies and so much more, especially in this time of isolation. I have my second movie coming out on April 25, MatchMaker Mysteries at 9 p.m. (ET.)on Hallmark with Danica McKellar and Victor Webster and I produced it; it’s a very uplifting romantic comedy. I am looking forward to watching Emma, the new movie that recently came out. The show usually airs on Hallmark’s Movies & Mysteries.
So, I recommend that everyone try to find things that interest you and that make you feel good; whether it’s music and you have your favorite playlist on Spotify while you’re cleaning the house, which we’re all doing a lot of housework these days. We are all doing a lot of cleaning and laundry, and it’s all time-consuming.
How did this movie come about?
Oh, it’s a sweet story. I went on a date that didn’t work out, but the guy was a movie producer and I pitched him an idea for Hallmark and they loved my concept. They had those focus groups where they were checking me out. I tested through the roof because of my morals, values and no sex before monogamy and all the extra stuff. Basically, Danica heard about it. She knew that I was pitching this movie series about a mini-me, with a talk show, who solves crimes and it all came together. It was beautifully done.
What are you excited about when it comes to A Fatal Romance?
I think this movie’s going to be a lot different from the first movie on the MatchMaker Mysteries because I think the character gets feistier and she’s more like me. She was a little timid in the first movie. In the first movie, her client gets murdered and, of course, handsome cop [played by Victor Webster], comes aboard and says “One of your clients got murdered, I need your help because I don’t have a clue of who did it. “ They worked together and now they are working on crimes left and right. It’s cute because there’s frustration and there’s sexual chemistry.
What was being on the set like?
First of all, I’ve acted before on Days of our Lives and Drop Dead Diva, but initially, I got really nervous. Still, I nailed my lines. I’m starting to get better and better and better. It’s very nerve-wracking when someone gives you lines that you have to memorize; I’m much better with my own interpretation of what I say, like in a reality show where they give you “the beat” and you say it in your own words.
What was a favorite part of being in this movie?
I was on the set for a couple of days. I wore a police uniform, which I basically was channeling Mariska Hargitay from Law & Order. I had the same outfit as her. I was like “Can I be Mariska Hargitay, please,” and they were like “perfect. I had a badge and a gun. It was awesome! I love Hallmark. It’s the nicest place to work. They are so receptive to my ideas, and I have always wanted to make romantic comedies.
After all, romance is in her blood!
