Mindset Matters: Psychotherapist Heather Howe On How To Build Stress Resilience with a Positive Mindset

An Interview With Shawna Robins

Acknowledge that emotions are just messengers, they’re not good or bad. If you want to change your mindset and build resilience, the phase “negative emotions” needs to go. Our emotions exist to give us information about what is happening around us so we can take action to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe — physically, emotionally, sexually, and relationally. Every emotion has a job to do. Some feel pleasant because they are directing us to what we want or need more of (e.g. joy, connection, nutrition). Others feel difficult because they are alerting us to threats, injustices, or losses that need to be addressed.

In today’s fast-paced world, stress is an inevitable part of life. However, the way we manage and respond to stress can make a significant difference in our overall well-being. Developing a positive mindset can be a powerful tool in building resilience against stress, allowing individuals to navigate challenges more effectively and maintain better mental and physical health. How can we cultivate this positive mindset and use it to bolster our stress resilience? In this interview series, we are talking to psychologists, coaches, mental health experts, authors, about “How To Build Stress Resilience with a Positive Mindset”. As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Heather Howe.

Heather Howe is a Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist, Clinical Supervisor, and trainer who specializes in working with survivors of sexual assault/abuse, intimate partner violence, family violence, and all forms of violence against women. She is also a Wen-Do Women’s Self Defence Instructor. https://abuselogic.ca/

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?

Growing up, I saw a lot of violence against women and children. I witnessed the suffering that abuse and violence can cause, but I also saw incredible resilience, resistance, and the power of healing. This inspired me to focus my career on supporting survivors of abuse as a therapist and a women’s self-defence instructor. The more I worked with individual survivors, the more I saw the ways in which abuse is so much more than one person hurting one other person. Systemic issues like misogyny, white supremacy, and classism enable abuse and the systems that are supposed to help often make it worse. I wanted to make change at a higher level, which led me to move into leadership positions, teaching and mentoring therapists to expand my influence beyond the individual survivors I work with.

Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?

In my early 20s, I knew I wanted to make a difference for survivors of violence, but I still wasn’t sure how I would do that. I got a one-year contract working as a Public Education Coordinator at a small sexual assault centre. When the contract was done, they hired me as a counsellor. At that time, to work as a counsellor at a sexual assault centre in Ontario, you didn’t need formal training. The thought was that being passionate about sexual violence and being supportive was enough. I quickly realized two things: I absolutely loved the work, and I was not at all qualified to do it. I quit my job and I went back to school to get my Master of Social Work degree so I could do the job I had fallen in love with.

Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority in the stress and wellness fields? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to the world of wellness?

I am a Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist and I am trained in many therapeutic modalities, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR), and Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS). I supervise therapists and I teach workshops on issues related to abuse, violence against women, and trauma. While I have spent countless hours on schooling and post-graduate training, most of my education has come from working with adults (of all genders but mostly women) who have survived all kinds of abuse. I have walked alongside hundreds of survivors as they fought for the right to safety for themselves and their children, and as they worked to process and heal from the traumatic events they experienced. My unique contribution is to help the broader public understand abuse dynamics and to de-pathologize the ways in which people adapt and respond to stress, trauma, and oppression.

Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?

When I find myself feeling irritated or stressed over a minor issue, I tell myself “It’s an imperfect world.” This reminds me that mistakes and disappointments are inevitable, and that if I expect everything to be perfect, I’ll never be happy. It helps me offer compassion when people make mistakes and to keep things in perspective.

Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start at the very beginning so that we are all on the same page. What is the definition of stress? How is it different than anxiety or overwhelm?

That’s a really good question. We use the word “stress” so much that we often don’t slow down to think about what it really means. I see stress as the internal and external pressures that we face on a day-to-day basis. Stress is a force pushing down on us. In the right dose, it can help to motivate us, push us to try harder, and grow. But too much stress will weigh us down and make it difficult to cope. Anxiety is an emotion that is crucial for our survival, both as individuals and as a species. It’s our bodies’ way of alerting us to a threat or something that we are perceiving as a threat. Overwhelm is often confused with anxiety, and part of my work as a therapist is to help my clients discern between the two. Overwhelm is an emotion that alerts us to the fact that we have more on our plate than we can handle. It is our bodies’ way of trying to get us to either face a task or stressor, or to change something. Stress, anxiety, and overwhelm often go hand in hand, but there are important differences, and we need to respond differently to each.

Can you discuss some common misconceptions about stress and those misconceptions can hinder our ability to manage it effectively?

One misconception is that stress is a sign of importance. We’ve all heard people bragging about their stress and busyness like it is evidence that the work they are doing matters. Most of us have done it ourselves! If our worth is tied to our stress, it will be very difficult to let go of. We have to come to terms with the fact that we can be important and impactful while also taking care of our mental health.

How does one’s environment play a role in stress management and maintaining a positive mindset? Can you provide examples?

Environment is crucial to managing stress and positive mindsets. I often reflect with my clients that a frog in a toxic pond is going to absorb the toxins, it can’t help it. Humans are the same. When we live with toxicity in our homes, or at work, we will be impacted. Part of adopting a positive mindset is giving ourselves permission to change our environment. That might mean leaving a bad relationship or a toxic workplace. It might mean leaving a date if we feel uncomfortable. If we can’t leave, it might mean changing the way we interact with or respond to our environment. Many of my clients have found that changing their environments reduced their stress, improved their sleep, and left them feeling stronger and more resilient.

What role does physical health (e.g., exercise, diet, sleep) play in building stress resilience?

Lifestyle is key to stress resilience. I do CrossFit 4–5 times a week as part of my self-care (practicing what I preach is important to me!) Starting my day with exercise gives me a huge mood and energy boost that lasts all day. It gives me the focus I need to be productive and present. Making slow, gradual improvements to your lifestyle is a great strategy to build stress resilience.

Ok. Here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share “5 Ways to Build Stress Resilience with a Positive Mindset”? If you can, kindly share a story or example for each.

1. Acknowledge that emotions are just messengers, they’re not good or bad. If you want to change your mindset and build resilience, the phase “negative emotions” needs to go. Our emotions exist to give us information about what is happening around us so we can take action to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe — physically, emotionally, sexually, and relationally. Every emotion has a job to do. Some feel pleasant because they are directing us to what we want or need more of (e.g. joy, connection, nutrition). Others feel difficult because they are alerting us to threats, injustices, or losses that need to be addressed.

2. Befriend your difficult emotions. The more we vilify any emotion, the more stressed and overwhelmed we will be when we feel that emotion. By embracing difficult emotions and focusing on how they are trying to help us, we can avoid getting stuck and we can move into problem-solving or, if there is no easy solution, acceptance.

3. Avoid pathologizing yourself. While I’m grateful for the work that has been done around destigmatizing mental illness, the flip side of this is that social media encourages people to pathologize normal human emotions and experiences as mental illness. I remember working with a young woman who diagnosed herself with an anxiety disorder because she felt anxious about learning to drive. While anxiety disorders are real and can be crippling, we are supposed to feel anxious in anxiety-provoking situations. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us. If we assume that our emotions are evidence that there is something wrong with us, it will be more difficult to befriend them and to allow them to help us grow and succeed.

4. Focus on your sliver of influence. I supervise therapists and I often hear them talk about feeling overwhelmed with all the suffering and oppression in the world. They want to help everyone and solve all the world’s problems, and it causes them to freeze or shut down. This overwhelm can happen in any field. The key is to reflect on where you can make the biggest impact and focus on that. Decide what your sliver of influence will be, do your best in that small space, and trust that there are so many others who are focusing on their sliver too. Together, we will make change.

5. Make time to have fun! Fun is as important as food and water and is an under-rated mental health intervention. I remember as a kid, no matter how difficult times were, when we threw on a record, pushed back the furniture, and just danced, we felt instantly better and knew we would get through. I often encourage my clients to look for opportunities for fun and play and I spend more time laughing in therapy than I ever expected to!

Can you share an experience where you applied these stress resilience techniques in your own life? What was the outcome?

I took my first Wen-Do Women’s Self Defence course when I was 21. It was life changing for me because it didn’t just focus on self-defence strategies, it also focused on teaching the nuances of violence against women and the barriers that make it difficult for us to defend and protect ourselves. I took the course again in my early 30s and decided I wanted to be an instructor so I could share this transformative experience with other women and girls. The problem? Crippling social anxiety. I hated my anxiety. I had spent years in therapy trying to get rid of it, to push it away, and none of it worked. I learned to white knuckle it a bit better, but I still suffered terribly. I realized I had to figure out this anxiety, so I took a completely different approach. I sat with it. I listened to the ways in which it had helped me over the years. High school lunch hours sitting alone in the library taught me that I could succeed academically. Missed parties meant I didn’t get introduced to the drugs and alcohol that took over the lives of so many people I knew. I developed a profound empathy for people who were left out and I became a better friend. I was able to offer compassion to the younger versions of myself — my social anxiety wasn’t a personal failing, it was a guide. I realized that the anxiety I felt about getting up in front of a room of women and teaching them to find their voice, to value themselves, and how to kick ass (literally!) was there to remind me of how important this work is to me! After making these realizations, I felt a profound sense of gratitude for my anxiety. Now, when I feel anxious, I thank anxiety for helping me. Anxiety has gone from being overwhelming and all-consuming to being a small voice reminding me to be cautious, thoughtful, and attuned to my values. I still feel anxious before teaching Wen-Do workshops, but I smile as I remember how important the work is to me.

How can building a supportive community or network contribute to stress resilience and a positive mindset?

Community is key. I often reflect that many of the clients I have provided therapy to didn’t really need therapy, they needed community. Having people in our corner, people who can both cheer us on and hold us accountable, creates the safety we need to change our mindset and embrace our emotions.

Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve their stress resilience and mindset?

I recommend the book “No Bad Parts” by Richard Schwartz. Schwartz is the founder of Internal Family Systems therapy. This therapy asserts that we all have different parts of our personalities, and that all of our parts are trying to help us. Emotions can be considered parts of us. “No Bad Parts” offers a different way of thinking about our personalities and really invites the reader to get to know and befriend all of their parts. This way of looking at the personality completely changed the way I look at myself and others and how I do therapy.

Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)

This is such a hard question because there are so many people whom I admire and want to learn from. In the spirit of embracing fun (#5!), I think a lunch with Stevie Nicks would be amazing! When I’m stressed, sad, or grumpy, Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits album cheers me up every time!

How can our readers further follow your work online?

They can look at my website, abuselogic.ca, or they can follow me on LinkedIn.

This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!

About the Interviewer: Shawna Robins is an international best-selling author of two books — Powerful Sleep — Rest Deeply, Repair Your Brain and Restore Your Life, and Irresistibly Healthy — Simple Strategies to Feel Vibrant, Alive, Healthy and Full of Energy Again. Shawna is the founder and CEO of Third Spark, an online wellness hub for women over 40 who want to reignite their sleep, reset healthier habits and respark their lives. Shawna is a sleep expert, hormone health expert, and a National Board-Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBHWC). She has been featured on many podcasts including Dr. Mindy Pelz’s “The Resetter Podcast” and in Authority Magazine, Thrive Global, and The Huffington Post. A free download of her latest book can be found at www.thirdsparkhealth.com/powerful-sleep/ You can follow her on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.