Olesha Haskett of Ohexperience Boudoir Photography: 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change

Above all else know you are never alone. That will always be number one. When I felt alone in my journey all I had to do was look around me. There was always someone willing to help or listen. Even if it was my therapist who I paid.

The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.

Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.

How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?

In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.

As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Olesha Haskett.

Olesha Haskett describes herself as a healer and badass boudoir photographer. Her purpose in life is to empower Black and Brown folxs to heal and liberate themselves. She does this by sharing her story and offering safe spaces for Black folxs to fall in love with their bodies, sensuality and sexuality on their own terms.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

I was born and raised in Baltimore city with my parents and two sisters. We lived a typical middle-class life filled with tutors, family dinners, and vacations. I always was a very curious child. Whenever we went on vacation I always had to have extra eyes on me because I was prone to walk away if I found something that interested me. My family never let me forget the time we went to Virginia Beach and I went missing. They found me with another family eating and playing. So the family joke is I have to stay close because if I find something fascinating I stop.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

My favorite Life Lesson Quote is you are your longest and most expensive relationship. Investing in yourself is never time or money wasted. This quote has been relevant in my life because there was a time when I just let myself go. I was stuck, depressed, and felt like I was failing at life. I was nourishing a failing relationship and doing nothing for the relationship I had with myself. Putting another person’s needs before my own and seriously struggling with my mental, financial and spiritual health.

You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.

The first quality is being resilient. When I decided to end my marriage I was bent, but not broken. I had to call on something deep within me to pull myself out of a space of despair and struggle. I used the strength of my Ancestors before me to propel myself forward. I knew that in order to move forward I needed to be flexible and change my outlook on how I interacting with myself and others.

The second quality is authenticity. I speak openly about my success and struggles with my community. I talk about how hard it was to reinvent myself after a 12-year relationship and the loss of my children. I talk about depression, self-love, and setting realistic expectations for yourself. My story is my own, but if it can help someone I am obligated to share. On my Instagram, I bring guests on to go live and we talk about everything from sex education to Black women and femmes in church. We get real and so many stories have been shared because I am being my true self. Sometimes people just want to see someone do it and they know they can do it too.

The third quality is knowing how to set boundaries. Success can come with a lot of baggage. Baggage in the form of collaborations, new friends, more bills, etc. You have to set boundaries on what you will and will not allow access to your energy. Every month I write out goals and intentions for the new month. When I get requests to do things with other businesses or join other communities, I see if it aligns with what I wrote. If not I politely decline. This goes for my personal life as well. Setting boundaries can be very hard for people that naturally want to help others or that have been taught to be this way.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?

Yes, I can share.

What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?

The scariest part of the event was the feeling of being lost and just wanting to disappear. In one month I lost twin girls to miscarriage, I was involved in a major car accident and my ex-husband was on a cruise with a young lady 10 years our junior celebrating his birthday. Losing my children at the beginning of the month was like losing a part of my soul. I remember thinking how many times could my heart possibly break before it shattered completely. I had lost a son to miscarriage a few months before. The pain was so intense that I became numb. I thought that was the worst until I found out about my ex-husband.

How did you react in the short term?

In the short term, I cried often and asked why me. I took off of work and drove to Virginia Beach and sat in a hotel room. When I came back I packed my ex-husband’s things and found a therapist.

After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?

Music was truly a balm for my soul. I had playlists for all my moods. I wrote a lot because sometimes the emotions were so intense and I was tired of crying. I got on dating apps which was an epic fail! I thought finding someone else to take my mind off of this situation would help. I did meet a very nice guy who allowed me to vent as he had a similar situation. That was not healthy, let me just say. Finding a therapist was a big help when it came to coping.

While married I had let my photography business fall to the side. I decided to revamp the business with a new name, branding, and a mission to help other Black and Brown folxs define their version of sexuality and sensuality on their terms. Doing this work helped me realize my beauty and self-worth which took a major beating in the past.

Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?

I was able to heal and let go when I forgave myself. Many people think forgiving the person that harmed you is closure and healing. No, forgiving yourself when you knew better is harder. I started to see a shift in my journal writing when I was ready to forgive myself. I started talking more about the present and what I wanted for the future. It’s like when people say you see the light at the end of the tunnel. In this instance, I was the light charting my own course out of the darkness.

Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?

To create an internal and emotional shift to feel better I tapped more into my gift. I have the gift of being able to help others overcome their obstacles and identifying the real cause of their struggles. I have a sixth sense for helping people, which is great for my business but can be a challenge in my personal and dating life. Helping others gives me a sense of peace and joy. I also focused on my mission of the empowerment of Black and Brown women and femmes.

Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?

Not a particular person, but my family is amazing. When everything happened my family and friends surrounded me and gave me space when I needed it. My younger sister paid for my weekend in Virginia when I had to get away giving me time to process my next steps. My spirituality also helped me cope in a major way. I became closer to God and my Ancestors that came before me. Whenever I am feeling out of sorts or a major shift in my life is going to happen I always see ladybugs. Even in the winter, they come on my window and I know it is a sign that all will be alright.

Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?

I was able to create the Reinvention Workbook Journal from my situation. The journal gives practical activities for people to break out of survival mode and move into thrive mode. Each time someone reads the journal the feedback is phenomenal because they can see themselves in some part of my story. Which means they realize it is possible to break free. That means so much to me.

For my boudoir photography, I use my struggle with feeling beautiful and sexy in my own body to help my Beauties, what I call my clients. I helped them by being transparent with my struggles with body image. I talk about my big feet that I inherited from my daddy. My constant struggle with hyperpigmentation and not wanting to show my back since my teenage years. I speak on not feeling beautiful enough based on society’s standards, which are particularly harsher for Black women. I also speak on honoring yourself by investing in yourself and not feeling guilty.

What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?

I learned that when someone shows you who they are the first time believe them. I also learned to trust my intuition and not deny it. There were signs that my relationship was not what it was supposed to be. Signs from earlier on in the relationship, but I was scared to walk away. I had invested so much time and thought I could make things work. He showed me exactly who he was and I ignored it. There was always an inkling that something was not right, that he was not right for me. I could not ignore it anymore and I had to act to save myself. When I released myself from the marriage I felt like a great weight had been lifted. Literally the day I told him I was finished, I laid back on the bed and let out a deep sigh. From that day on so many amazing things have taken place because the relationship was blocking my purposes and blessings.

Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.

Above all else know you are never alone. That will always be number one. When I felt alone in my journey all I had to do was look around me. There was always someone willing to help or listen. Even if it was my therapist who I paid.

Second, let your emotions flow. When you have so many pent-up emotions your body will start to react negatively. The stress will cause you mental and physical harm. I love having a good and long cry to release those emotions. Or go for a walk, paint, write, etc. Whatever you do make sure no harm comes to you or anyone else.

Third, healing is a process, and patience is needed. There will be good and bad days. The trick is to cultivate more good days and to write out your wins! I am currently working on writing down moments when I am winning. No matter how small a win is a win. Fourth get a therapist and work through your challenges. I equate finding a therapist to finding your next mate. You have to write down what you want and go out with a few people. Get to know them and see if you are compatible. In the last 6 years, I have had 3 therapists. It is also a process, but it is worth it because you are worth it.

Fifth forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for choosing someone over choosing yourself. Forgive yourself for being a willing participant and no longer a victim. Forgive yourself because you deserve a fresh start. You deserve to no longer be a survivor, but a person who thrives. Give yourself permission to do this. It is a liberating and radical feeling to choose yourself. It is not selfish it is selfless. I speak on this all the time to my community. As I stated before you are your longest and most expensive relationship. When I choose myself I was rewarded greatly.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

The movement is the one I am working on now for Black and Brown women and femmes to love their body as it is. It is the reason I am so vocal about Black women and femmes owning their version of sensuality and sexuality. Black bodies have always been put on display for others since the inception of chattel slavery. Especially Black women and we are tired and fed up with people telling us what we should and shouldn’t be doing in the name of respectability politics. I am using my voice, my body, and my images to hold space for other women who look like me. Black women should have autonomy over their bodies but have been raised to believe that they do not. That is my movement.

We are very blessed that some very prominen names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)

The person I would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with would have to be Issa Rae because she is unapologetically for Black people. Before I saw the show my friends told me that the show is like my life. This is definitely true because I am awkward as hell and talk to myself often. She gave a voice to the population of the Black community that is not always seen. There is no Black trauma in her shows which I love as well. She is creating what she wants to see and what our community needs.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

My Instagram is @ohexperience.

My website is www.ohexperience.com

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!