Overcoming Anxiety: Nicole Bensen of Tentacles and Tea On Five Effective Strategies for Mental Well-Being
An Interview With Nancy Landrum
Oh, and one affirmation I love to say for myself is, “Everything always works out for me; I always get what I want or better. I’ve overcome every challenge in the past, and this time is no different. I will figure it out.”
Anxiety seems to be the dis-ease of our times. More people than ever are taking medications to help them cope with stress. Nearly everyone I talk to is consumed with anxious feelings that hijack any pleasure they could be getting from their lives. The pressure to “produce” combined with a perception of “not enough time,” combines to create anxiety, self-doubt, frustration and resentment. Resentment, then, is often taken out on your closest, most important relationships. As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Nicole Bensen.
Nicole Bensen is an international speaker and workshop facilitator trusted by leaders at Fortune 500 companies, including Google, YouTube, Netflix, and eBay. Her engaging, team building conversations boost morale, reduce burnout, and increase retention, helping companies create a culture where people feel seen, supported, and inspired. Recognized as a “Woman of Influence” by the Silicon Valley Business Journal, Nicole’s innovative style transforms dry research into vibrant, interactive experiences designed for wellbeing and connection — aka, science-backed ways to be happier. Prior to becoming an entrepreneur focused on thriving and joy, she managed executive learning programs at Google. Learn more: nicolebensen.com.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” better. Can you tell us a bit about you and your backstory?
Absolutely, thanks for having me, Nancy. As a happiness and wellbeing speaker and facilitator, I lead workshops for corporate team-building events, as well as online sessions anyone can join, like my Ultimate Vision Board Workshop.
Before this, I worked in Learning and Development at Google where I managed several programs, including my favorite, a wellbeing retreat for executive, female leaders. Ironically, I totally burned out, so I took a step back to learn more about mental health. I got my Positive Psychology coaching certification, studied Mindful Self-Compassion, and launched my company as a way to share all these wellbeing tools and resources with others.
As a successful person in your field, have you or do you experience anxiety? And if so, how do you manage, reduce or eliminate anxiety so you can work efficiently and enjoy your non-work hours?
100%! Part of the human experience is…experiencing the full gamut of emotions. In fact, I’d argue that having zero stress might be a sign you’ve stopped growing. But there’s a balance of stretching yourself and honoring your mind and body’s nudges to rest. And of course, anxiety can also arise through no fault of our own, due to work, family, friends, politics — just being human.
I’m grateful now to have a toolkit full of ways to manage anxiety. I used to think I needed a grand escape to “get back to center” — a week off in the mountains at a silent retreat with the monks, but realistically, most of us probably have just 5 minutes before our next meeting. Having 1, 3, and 5-minute activities that keep us from spiraling or burning out is essential. I call these Wellbeing Band-Aids.
If I’m truly trying to solve a problem, I use Socratic questioning to keep my emotions in check and moving forward.
If I’m spiraling and overthinking, which is ruminating, not problem-solving, I have a tool I call “SH,” pronounced, “shhhh.” The first thing you do is think of a stop sign — that’s the S — and literally tell your brain to stop. If you’re in a place where you can do this out loud, say “Stop.” The H is for “happy place.” Think of a place where you feel calm and happy, then connect to your senses.
For example, I love Disneyland. So I might imagine I’m standing on Main Street, and I can hear the marching band, smell fresh churros, see a giant bunch of balloons in front of the castle, taste the iced coffee I just picked up at Starbucks, and feel the warm sun on my shoulders. Your brain can’t think of two things at the same time, so this shifts your focus from the thought you were stuck on.
Have you gone through a period of time in your life where you felt as though you were drowning in anxiety? If so, please share your experience and what you perceive as the reasons.
During my time on the executive learning team at Google, we faced a period of being short-staffed, which significantly increased the workload for everyone. I tried to get support from a work stress counselor, but there was a 2-month wait time just to be seen. In the meantime, I started experiencing physical symptoms like shaking hands and waking up with a racing heart. I even chipped two teeth, which my dentist attributed to stress.
Over the course of six months I met with several medical professionals and tried various therapies and anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications.
I experienced a push and pull to feel grateful for working at this incredible place with all the perks, for the privilege of having access to support and the means to afford it, and at the same time, I felt like I was drowning but couldn’t talk about it.
Although it was never explicitly said, working in Big Tech, there’s an underlying current of “If you can’t make it in this job, there are 100 people lined up behind you who would be grateful for the opportunity.” I felt embarrassed and guilty, thinking there must be something wrong with me if everyone else could handle it.
The breaking point came when an immediate family member was diagnosed with cancer, and I only found out two days before their surgery, because they didn’t want us to worry. When I requested using one vacation day to be at the hospital, the lack of empathy from my manager served as a stark reminder that employee wellbeing wasn’t valued as highly as productivity.
And as morbid as this sounds, that conversation reminded me that if I died, Google stock wouldn’t move a penny, but my kids’ lives would change forever.
What or whom did you lean on to help you cope with anxiety?
My therapist, for sure, and my husband was amazingly patient and supportive.
What lessons did you derive from that dark period of time, that serve you now?
If we break a bone, we go to the doctor. If we break down emotionally, we shouldn’t be ashamed to seek mental support. Even better, we should be encouraged to prioritize our mental health before reaching a breaking point. Moments of anxiety are normal, but without tools and support to calm our nervous system, little stresses can snowball into a bigger problem.
Meeting deadlines and exceeding performance goals feel crucial when you’re in the thick of paying bills and climbing the corporate ladder or starting a business, but I try to remind myself of some of the top regrets of the dying:* they wished they hadn’t worked so hard; they wished they’d lived a life true to themselves instead of others’ expectations, and they wish they’d allowed themselves to be happier.
*The Top Five Regrets of the Dying — A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing, by Bronnie Ware.
Do you have days or circumstances that still cause excessive stress?
Fortunately, I wouldn’t say I have excessive stress most days. I’m grateful my family is healthy, and my current stresses are what I’d call “little s” stress. I have a toddler, and despite using my favorite tools, sometimes his breakdowns cause me stress, and I need to take a moment to myself! Being a business owner isn’t for the faint of heart; there are definitely moments of stress there too. And most parents would probably agree, the back-to-school events and many, many emails can be overwhelming. I share these examples because there are some, potentially-well-meaning, people who jokingly call these “first world problems” and say we should let these smaller moments roll off our backs, but acknowledging even small challenges helps us grow and deal with them. Ignoring stress doesn’t do us any favors.
What are your dependable “go to” strategies that you use to restore balance to your emotions?
If I’m in a moment where I need to immediately restore balance, I’ll take a few deep breaths. Box breathing is one of my favorite tools. You breathe in for a count of four, hold that breath for a count of four, exhale slowly to four, and stay empty of breath for four counts — then repeat four times.
If I have the luxury of time, I’ll use that Socratic questioning I mentioned earlier to make sure I’m thinking objectively and not letting my emotions run my thought process.
Overall strategies I practice are mindfulness, gratitude, and dreaming. These help me build up my reserves for when anxiety pops up.
I used to think practicing mindfulness meant I had to sit on a cushion on the floor in silence for an hour and have zero thoughts, but I’ve since learned that mindfulness is just noticing what’s going on right now, without judgment. Two of my favorite ways to practice mindfulness are by listening to a guided meditation or going to a hot yoga class. I’m not an expert at yoga, so being in a live class forces me to be present and pay attention and prevents me from thinking about anything else.
Remember the song “Favorite Things” in The Sound of Music? She leads the group in remembering things that make them happy, “Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…” I do this “Favorite Things” practice all the time — sometimes I’ll write a bulleted list, and other times I’ll say them out loud, for example when I’m stuck in traffic and feel myself getting cranky, I’ll intentionally think about all the amazing things that exist in my life, like flannel sheets and melted cheese and puppies and white sand beaches. Again, our brains can’t focus on two things at once, so we can intentionally choose to think about positive things.
One of my signature strengths is “hope.” I LOVE imagining my best possible future, and I often journal about it and create vision boards. My phone and laptop background are my 2024 vision board. Having dreams and goals is a way to motivate me and balance my emotions if I’m feeling low.
Please name five tips, practices, beliefs or affirmations that you recommend to anyone going through a highly stressful time.
VIDEO: Five Strategies For Overcoming Anxiety:
I mentioned these:
1) The SH tool, 2) Favorite Things activity, 3) Practice mindfulness (in both familiar and unique ways) and 4) Create a vision board and journal about your best possible future, and I’d add:
5) Seek awe. Find something that gives you a sense of wonder. This could be going for a walk in the giant redwoods and imagining what life was like when they were just a foot tall, or watching a video on YouTube that shows the size of Earth compared to the other planets or galaxies. This one never fails to blow my mind; we are so tiny! Maybe listening to a piece of music or visiting a national park or going to an art gallery does it for you. Experiencing awe often gives us context and can help decrease the significance of the stress.
Oh, and one affirmation I love to say for myself is, “Everything always works out for me; I always get what I want or better. I’ve overcome every challenge in the past, and this time is no different. I will figure it out.”
Bonus tip: Trust yourself. You are the expert on you! Yes, I’m a huge believer in getting professional mental support, AND you still get to decide what feels right for you. Give yourself a hug, or place your hands on your heart or belly, and ask yourself what you need. Do you need energy or calm at this moment?
Need energy? It can be helpful to think about what brought you joy as a child. Did you like to ride your bike? Watch a particular cartoon? Bake? Play with Play-Doh? Can you incorporate one of those activities into your life today, even for a few minutes?
Need calm? Grab your favorite book, light a candle, snuggle with your pet, lie under a weighted blanket, make a cup of tea.
I encourage my clients to create MVEs, Minimum Viable Experiments. Try something small and see how it feels. If it doesn’t bring you joy or reduce stress, move on to something else. Because I could give you 25 ideas of things that bring ME joy or help with my anxiety, but they might make your anxiety worse. So remember, you’re the expert on you and probably already have ideas.
On a scale of one-ten, if 8–10 was your former, chronic level of anxiety, how would you score your usual level of anxiety today?
On an average weekday I’d say 0–1. On days where I’m working on a tight deadline for a work project, or the kids are particularly cranky, I’d say maybe a 4–5.
Do you have daily practices that support you in maintaining peace, calmness or balance in your life?
Yes, at dinner every night, everyone in my family shares three good things from our day, so practicing gratitude. Most nights I listen to a guided meditation or sleep story, or I fall asleep thinking about what would happen in my best possible future.
Also, I get overstimulated by loud noises or too many people, so I need quiet, alone time every day, even if it’s just 10 minutes. Bonus points if I can be under a weighted blanket in a quiet room.
Was there any particular saying, person, or book that taught you the skills that enable you to escape or avoid the higher levels of anxiety that used to plague you?
“Mindful Self-Compassion” by Kristen Neff is a tool I love. She has a workbook and several books, or you can even find talks on YouTube to learn her three-step process.
“The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks and “Big Magic” by Liz Gilbert aren’t books specifically about anxiety, but they’ve helped expand my thinking — and when I remember all the opportunities that exist, and how much fun we can have in the world, it helps get me out of pits of despair, overthinking, and sadness.
The practice of writing for 20 minutes straight, or at least 750 words, is something I find really helpful when I need to get out of my head. I first learned this from Julia Cameron, in the book “The Artist’s Way.” If you want to make it more high-tech and analytical, you can use the website https://new.750words.com/. I’m a sucker for stats, and this website analyzes key themes and feelings.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with those who are reading this article. Are there also other ways you are sharing your wisdom?
I mentioned speaking and corporate workshops earlier, but I also have a self-paced, online course called Next Level You that anyone can join; it’s packed full of those 5-minute wellbeing tools. And I have a weekly newsletter where I share tips for happiness and mental health.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)?
That’s a tough one! There are so many inspiring people I’d love to meet. I have respect and curiosity for former President Barack Obama, but I’m too intimidated to try to hold a conversation with him alone, so I’d like Jimmy Kimmel to be there too, haha. Wouldn’t that be a fun conversation?! They are both experts at their craft. On the surface Jimmy’s an entertaining host, and he’s either skilled at coming across as approachable, or actually is, and I would learn something either way.
One thing I’d love to explore is how they’ve built their resilience. They speak about polarizing subjects and have the ability to come back over and over again when people say terrible things about them, even threaten their lives for their beliefs. I think it would be a fascinating conversation, and I’d love to be in the third seat at that table.
Oh, another that just came to mind, Emily Calandrelli, The Space Gal, is an engineer who is heading to space soon, and I think she’d be so fun and inspiring to hang out with.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I truly believe we can make the world a better place by unapologetically prioritizing our own happiness and wellbeing. This might sound selfish, but research shows when we’re running on positive emotions we’re more compassionate, connected, and resilient. Our happiness IS a catalyst for the greater good.
How can our readers follow your work online?
My website is nicolebensen.com; you can find me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/tentaclesandtea/, and you can watch my free workshop, How to Be Happy Now, at nicolebensen.com/behappy, or grab my free Canva Vision Board template at nicolebensen.com/vision.
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
My pleasure. Thank you, Nancy. Everyone deserves to have tools to reduce anxiety and increase happiness.
About the Interviewer: Nancy Landrum, MA, Relationship Coach, has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married and Love it” and “Stepping Twogether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy has been coaching couples and stepfamilies with transformative communication skills for over thirty years. Nancy is an engaging interviewer and powerful speaker. Nancy has contributed to The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Authority, Medium, Yahoo, MSN, Psych Central, Thrive, Woman’s Day magazine, and more. Nancy is the Founder of the only one of its kind online relationship solution, www.MillionaireMarriageClub.com. Nancy coaches couples across the globe in person and via Zoom. Nancy’s passion is to guide couples and families to happy lasting marriages where children thrive and lovers love for life.
