Philip Monte Verde of PMV Counseling On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser

An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner

Yitzi Weiner
Authority Magazine
14 min readFeb 27, 2024

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Banish the blame game, look instead at patterns and roles. You may have only come to the realization that you are a people pleaser after a long and bitter road. So the temptation is to look at the current people in your life and blame them for your troubles. Or it may be to turn your ire inward and blame yourself. Neither is productive. Try to look as unemotionally as possible at the situation and analyze the part everyone has played.

In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Philip Monte Verde.

Philip Monte Verde is a licensed social worker in private practice in Rochester, New York. His approach to therapy is less tools and techniques oriented, and more finding your personal philosophy oriented. Philip believes that rapport between client and therapist is the foundation of therapy, and seeks to ‘meet the client where they are at’.

Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?

I took the circuitous route to therapy and social work. Growing up I never felt like I fit in. There seemed to be this unspoken pressure to pick a certain path, be a certain way. I felt like I was a square peg being asked to fit in a round hole. Questions like “what do you want to be when you grow up?” always stumped me. Was I only allowed to be one thing? Did I need to know now?

By my thirties, I had tired of bouncing from business to business, making money for people who already had a lot of it. I had one life to live, why wasn’t I using it to make life better for those who were suffering instead? Social work offered me a career that didn’t have to be any one thing; didn’t have to be specialized. So I worked with refugees, I worked with blind people, and I worked with families in crisis. Social work has enabled me to get a view of the world I would have missed if I had remained behind a nice desk.

Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?

Being a therapist in private practice grew out of social work. I found that I enjoyed getting immersed in people’s experiences. I love stories, stories are how humans make sense of the world. If I can spend an hour with a person and their story, it can be both helpful to them and time well spent for me. As Annie Dillard said, “how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?

A people pleaser is a person who feels compelled to give more than they receive in any kind of relationship. Their default thinking will be some form of ‘what can I do to make people around me happy?’

On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?

It does seem like a good thing on the surface. Certainly it is better than being the complete opposite. The trouble is the people pleaser invites others to take advantage of them. People pleasers will find there is inequality in their relationships. They are apt to grow bitter and feel that although they give so much to others, they get little in return. They may ask ‘when is it gonna be my turn?’

Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?

Well, you will never lack for company. People like to be around selfless people. If you find another people pleaser then it is quite possible you could have a wonderful mutual relationship. I’m sure it does happen.

Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?

There were times, especially when I was a teenager, when I got along to get along as they say. As an introvert I would gravitate towards extroverts, be adopted by them. I didn’t know how to do this human being thing, and I mistakenly believed they did. So I was a follower. If they did dumb stuff, I would probably join in. Realization of this has only happened in retrospect. I couldn’t see it back then, I just had the thrill of being welcomed by others regardless of their behavior. So it blinded me.

In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?

There may be other causes, but my therapist lens naturally makes me look towards childhood origins. Commonly, a people pleaser will have come from an unstable home environment. Perhaps they had a parent or caretaker who was an alcoholic, or for whatever reason would regularly come home in an angry mood. I have often heard people say something like “I never knew which version of my father would show up.” So they figured out early on that if they did things to please that adult, they could avoid getting hurt in some way.

This is a healthy adaptation at first. The child that does this is doing all that their undeveloped mind knows to protect themselves. The trouble is how a child learns to relate to the people around them becomes how they as an adult relate to people around them. Just because we turn eighteen or move away from our hometown, doesn’t mean our thinking changes. Whatever we believe worked as a child is what we are going to continue to believe at the start of adulthood.

How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?

If you establish in your relationships that you will give and give and not ask anything in return, the people in your life will accept that arrangement without much thought. People may assume you just take pleasure from giving. That you don’t want much of anything in return. Even well-meaning people can fall into this receiving without giving back trap. Receiving is easy, and if a person isn’t being asked for anything, it takes mental effort for them to notice that they should be giving.

The above is the more common scenario. But there are more dangerous ones. People pleasers attract people users the way a glove attracts a hand. It is common for the victim in abusive relationships to be a people pleaser. An abuser may be the type of person who consciously only wants to take and take. So they sniff out a person who was raised to give. The abuser unknowingly plays the role of that childhood parent or caretaker. And the victim will play their old familiar role, possibly not knowing a different role is an option.

This is exasperated by gender norms. Women are already conditioned to be givers in mainstream culture. If they grew up in a household that was both unstable and patriarchal, they likely would’ve received the message that it’s a woman’s job to quietly give and have no expectation of anything in return.

How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?

In the workplace, people pleasers will often find themselves doing a lot of work for not a lot of pay. It is natural for employers to extract as much labor out of an employee as they can. If the employee gets the work done and is still upright and functioning, more work will be given.

People pleasers usually struggle to say they are at their limit and need a break. Because of this they are liable to burn out more quickly. Indeed the fields with the highest burnout rates are the ‘helping professions’ likely to attract people whose instincts are to give. These include health-care, emergency services, and indeed social work.

Finally, unsurprisingly, people pleasers are loath to advocate for their own advancement. So they’re less likely to ask for promotions and raises.

How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?

A lifetime of people pleasing can make a person depressed, anxious, and resentful. They may see others leading the lives they want to live and wonder after all they’ve given why they’re behind. Instead of ahead they may feel overwhelmed and stuck.

You can call it the sad clown effect — smiling on the outside, crying on the inside. I’ve seen people sit in front of me in tears while sharing their pain, and yet still smiling. It’s as if despite it all they still want to spare me giving them my concern.

That is of course only if they find their way to a therapist’s office at all. I imagine it’s more likely that they suffer alone. And that all of the above just worsens.

In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?

The first step to addressing any problem is always recognizing it. Our lives are made up of actions, but there are emotions behind most actions. So we can reflect on our emotions, no matter what condition we are in and ask: What am I feeling right now? What action is that feeling pushing me to take? If the feeling is something like anxiety, and the action is to do something for someone else, you might be a people pleaser!

Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”?

1 . Banish the blame game, look instead at patterns and roles. You may have only come to the realization that you are a people pleaser after a long and bitter road. So the temptation is to look at the current people in your life and blame them for your troubles. Or it may be to turn your ire inward and blame yourself. Neither is productive. Try to look as unemotionally as possible at the situation and analyze the part everyone has played.

2 . Practice self-love. If there is one person who you have neglected to please over the years it is yourself. Take opportunities to do things just for you. Call in sick and do something fun. Perhaps take yourself on the date you keep waiting for someone else to take you on. You have to push back on the message that you are unworthy of receiving love. It may be hard at first, new and worthy things often are. But if you push through the discomfort you can make it to the other side. There you can feel how it is you want to be loved, and how you want to be pleased.

3 . Be aware of how you physically feel. Every second of our lives our mind and body are in communication. It’s very likely that you will feel some sort of physical sensation the moment before you take an action to people please. Racing heart, short breaths, stomach ache, or dry mouth. These symptoms are often labeled as anxiety. And it’s natural to do whatever it takes to get rid of those uncomfortable sensations.

These sensations are ancient holdovers. When we were young and vulnerable they were real indicators that something threatening was happening and we needed to take action to protect ourselves. For example as a child you may have been hit by your parent whenever they judged you to have done something wrong. Back then, those sensations served as a warning that a physical threat was present. It was your anxious mind telling you to take action so you don’t get hurt.

But if you are reading this, then you probably aren’t a kid anymore. You have more options on how to defend yourself. So the ‘sensation -> defensive action -> safe again’ cycle isn’t as necessary. Instead when you feel that physical discomfort, practice just sitting with it without thinking of what you should do to make it stop. Just experience it. What you will find with time is that the sensation comes and goes whether or not we do anything about it. The sensations won’t kill you, the threat they imply isn’t real anymore.

4 . Cultivate better friendships. The resentment you feel towards people may be understandably strong right now. The temptation, as part of the blame game, is to lump everyone together as Bad. A better idea is to look for the people in your life who are not using you. The people who actually bring positives with them. As you give less to those who only want to take, shift your energy towards these other people instead. If you cultivate reciprocal friendships with them, you will be less tempted to put up walls to the world for you to hide behind. You will find instead that people can give you energy, not just drain you of it.

5 . Here’s a tough one for last. Ask yourself, what is the benefit of me continuing to see the world as I do? I don’t mean this to make you say “oh, of course there’s no benefit, I’ll change!” But rather to point out that it’s worth asking ‘why do I continue to prefer doing life this way, even after learning that it brings me pain?’

Often while we say we want to change aspects of our lives that bother us, we don’t actually want to. That we actually prefer to keep the drama alive. This may be hard to accept. The drama appears to be everything you hate, so how could it also be your preference?

The answer may be that the drama is familiar. In discussing anxiety I often use the metaphor of ‘the tiger in the room.’ Anxiety is the fear that because we have endured traumas and stressful events in the past, we will again in the future. So we have to be anxiously on guard for it, we have to be looking around for where the tiger -the threat- is hiding. Relief from anxiety can then come when you see the tiger, when a bad thing is happening to you. Because at least then you are in a familiar experience.

The alternative is being comfortable with openness. That anything could happen, that there are no barriers, that anything can be in the room. This could mean a tiger is present, but it could also mean that love is present. It could mean a million different things good, bad, and neutral may be in the room. Anything may occur. If you choose to people please, then you will get the same familiar result. However if you choose openness, if you choose to take a new action, then you will get a new result. Is a new result what you want? Then take it.

What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?

My mentor once said “when you first set boundaries with people, expect it to get worse before it gets better.” Working up the nerve to set boundaries is hard enough. Most often the people who got used to it being the way they wanted with you will push back hard. They expect you to fold and go back to their vision of how things should be. The challenge is to force your way through the discomfort and stick to the boundary. By doing this you show them that things have changed and that they need to adapt to the new arrangement. I know, sounds unappealing right?

How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?

LIke the flight attendant says, in case of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. If you pass out, you are of no use. In a paradoxical way, NOT being assertive is actually the selfish choice. Because a people pleaser is choosing to avoid the temporary pain of uncomfortable interactions. And the long term cost of that is burning out and being of no use to anyone.

Being assertive isn’t the selfish move, it’s the move towards sustainability.

What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?

That they are fine, that they don’t need anything. People pleasers learned not to show need, especially if the adults in their life would get upset when they showed it. So if others don’t know that a people person is suffering, they aren’t likely to encourage them to make the journey. We get our cues from other people, so if other people aren’t saying “you deserve to get better,” then it is an uphill climb to reach that conclusion on our own.

What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?

One of the main strengths of therapy is that you partner with a professional to focus specifically on your needs. So all those thoughts that run in a loop in your head instead get to find an exit. They get heard, they get addressed, they get reframed. Through collaboration with a therapist, you can get a whole new outlook.

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

Not directly related to this, but probably with some overlap: my movement would be one that normalizes grief. Like everything there are cultural expectations around grief. We are allowed to cry X amount of times, and miss Y amount of work. Then get over it, move on, get back to the job. Grief doesn’t have a timeline though, and we all feel it differently. Accepting that about each other would be huge for mental health.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

On my blog I write about mental health topics that are often inspired by conversations in sessions. If you like metaphors for anxiety, it’s definitely the place! www.pmvcounseling.com/blog

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!

About the Interviewers:

Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.

Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.

At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington

Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.

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Yitzi Weiner
Authority Magazine

A “Positive” Influencer, Founder & Editor of Authority Magazine, CEO of Thought Leader Incubator