Power Women: Amber Kelleher Of Kelleher International On How To Successfully Navigate Work, Love and Life As A Powerful Woman

An Interview With Ming Zhao

Love what you do — It’s a cliche but a good one! “If you love what you do, then it isn’t work.” I am addicted to love and so are the matchmakers at Kelleher. We love to be of service and transform the lives of our amazing clients. There is nothing more precious in life than lasting love. For all of us at Kelleher every time we see a wedding photo or a new baby photo, it is so rewarding.

How does a successful, strong, and powerful woman navigate work, employee relationships, love, and life in a world that still feels uncomfortable with strong women?

In this interview series, called “Power Women” we are talking to accomplished women leaders who share their stories and experiences navigating work, love and life as a powerful woman.

Amber Kelleher-Andrews, CEO of Kelleher International, is a world renowned relationship expert, professional matchmaker, TV Personality, film producer and philanthropy enthusiast. A true romantic at heart, with a deep passion for people and love at the center of everything she does, Amber lives out her dream job serving as co-CEO of her family global matchmaking firm, Kelleher International. Under her 24 year stewardship, Amber has grown her mother’s boutique San Francisco firm into an international multi-million dollar premium brand that caters to the most successful singles in the world.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood “backstory”?

I was born in San Francisco, California and spent my formative years between Marin County and Los Angeles. As a child, living in Los Angeles, I was acting in commercials, TV, and movies that continued into my later years of education. I guess you could say that I was bit by the entertainment bug. As a young adult just after college, I attended a creative arts academy called The American Conservatory Theater A.C.T) in San Francisco, and then passionately pursued a career in the film industry. I loved working on sets and was fortunate enough to work on both sides of the camera for several years. I had the pleasure of working with well-known directors such as the late great Tony Scott of “Top Gun” and director Roland Joffee from beautiful “The Killing Fields”. I pulled focus, was a second AC and script supervisor for many productions while simultaneously enjoying acting in popular TV shows like Married with Children, Melrose Place and Baywatch. It was at this time, in the late 90’s, that my mother Jill Kelleher decided to expand her San Francisco based boutique matchmaking firm into Los Angeles and asked that I open the new office.

Can you tell us the story about what led you to this particular career path?

When my mother founded her company Kelleher International, it was the first commercial matchmaking company in California and nationally. It’s not that long ago that people thought we made match-book covers because matchmaking wasn’t a known industry for singles back in the early 80’s or even the 90’s. Many people didn’t have home computers or cell phones and there were no dating services on-line, let alone dating apps in the palm of our hands.

By the early 2000’s we had expanded Kelleher across the country. Our personalized approach to finding “the one” was in demand and singles living outside of California were requesting our services. Seeing the global opportunity, I took on the role of CEO and focused on expansion for my mother with a strong emphasis on PR and marketing from my TV and film career. I knew this would be the best way to get the word out that Matchmaking was a viable option for singles.

I thoroughly enjoyed interviewing clients from all walks of life. Meeting incredible men and women and being able to help search and identify their lifetime partners. It was an awesome departure from being in the bubble of Hollywood. I found myself in a very rewarding business and able to work hand in hand with my mother. This new career path had meaning and inspired me each and every day. I couldn’t think of a more important role in life than finding Love for others. After two short years working in Los Angeles, the LA Times started to speak about matchmaking in their paper and mentioned our Beverly Hills office and me in particular. I felt like I had us on the map and that I indeed found my purpose — I was in love with the love business and I have never looked back.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?

There are so many stories. While acting I admired many of the top directors in entertainment for their talented eye and ability to tell a story through pictures. However, as a matchmaker I have the great privilege of meeting many industry legends, but now from a different perspective. I get to see into their more intimate side. I learned who was behind the mystique. From famous actors to well-known athletes, NFL and NBA stars, coaches and owners. They seemed untouchable to me when I was trying to rise in their shadows and to the public they where just beyond reproach, but I found myself now in their living rooms and got to know the quieter side of these remarkable individuals. I learn what makes their hearts flutter. Everyone wants to love someone and be loved in return, and in this respect I discovered at a young age that we are all the same.

One day I had a meeting with one of Hollywood’s top producers and our scheduled interview went considerably overtime holding up his next meeting that was with a man who I could sense was impatiently waiting in his lobby just on the other side of the door. My client had so much to share with me about what’s missing in his love life and he held my attention to every detail ignoring the clock. It wasn’t until we wrapped up our intimate discussion two hours past our scheduled time that I left his office and realized that we had been holding up the director, Oliver Stone! He was the one sitting in the lobby fuming for two hours. As I walked out and he walked in, he looked me straight in the eyes trying to figure out who the heck I was, and why I was the one that kept him waiting for so long. I thought to myself, “Mr. Stone, I am not the next up-and-coming actress for your films, I am the one that is going to find your friend the love of his life” — and that made me smile as I walked past Mr. Stone.

You are a successful business leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

Definitely risk taking, passion for my job and optimism. It was risky for my mother to start a company who’s industry was unknown. To have to explain what you do to each person you come across for years takes both patience and tenacity, but my mom and I have these qualities in spades.

Risk taking was our only way to branch out and be different. We knew there was a need for screening and hand selecting matches. Educated, picky professionals don’t have time to waste. Business leaders, famous actors, athletes, philanthropists and highly accomplished entrepreneurs all trust in Kelleher’s discreet matching process. I’m happy to say that thirty-six years later, matchmaking is a billion dollar industry and growing fast.

I you can tell, I am very passionate about what I do and I look for this trait in others as well. Hiring the right person is key to success in any company. Matchmaking is what gets me out of bed every morning, so I look for passionate people who are outgoing, happy and want to come to work with us each day. I have found that passionate individuals have better communication skills because they care a lot. In matchmaking, you need to have a real passion for people and what we do for others to be of true service.

I say optimism as one of my character traits because being optimistic has served me well my whole career. I am a “glass over-flowith” kind of gal and this has come in handy helping our clients navigate their journey to finding love! I keep our clients optimistic and tell them to anticipate “the one” showing up. When I show optimism, they stay inspired, and this is what it takes to draw in the right person every time. Dating is all about attitude, period.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the primary focus of our interview. The premise of this series assumes that our society still feels uncomfortable with strong women. Why do you think this is so?

For too long C-level jobs have been expected to be held by men. It’s a faulty premise as women can be just as successful in the same roles. But as a society we are still a bit uncomfortable with a woman being in the lead. What’s worse, some men have a difficult time with strong women in business, yet it takes a strong woman to make people feel she is up for the challenge — so it’s a catch 22. I think it will obviously take more time and we will see more and more women in these roles. The same thing happened with ‘matchmaking.’ As people became members of Kelleher many wanted their membership to be totally confidential as there was a ‘stigma’ about being single and joining a service. Even my mother’s close friends who met their husbands 25 years ago from Kelleher- kept it hush hush. As time went on things changed and stigmas went away. Now 45% of our business is from our client referrals and that’s because it works! I believe that we will see the same statistics with females in C level positions of business.

Without saying any names, can you share a story from your own experience that illustrates this idea?

I feel that this becomes somewhat a challenge for a woman, and this will take some time still. Women are genetically predisposed to feel safe with a confident, strong man — which makes powerful women who wish to gain acceptance and statue come in with the same amount of fire and gusto, but instead of calling her “a boss” she is still looked at as “a bitch”. So, women must delicately balance this out. Men in business have never had to deal with this dilemma.

What should a powerful woman do in a context where she feels that people are uneasy around her?

A strong woman who is successful has the maturity needed to deal with people who may feel uneasy around her. It is important to read body language, always read the room, and to assess the situation. Know your audience in other words. Spending time professionally talking and listening and getting to know your employees makes a world of difference. Over the years I have been on numerous magazine covers, on tv shows, and occasionally this has caused jealousy or competition. However, if we work together as a team and I allow our employees to get to know me personally then this negativity is quickly replaced with admiration and respect on both sides. Shared values and good communication are important for female business leaders — more so than it seems to be for male leaders. I am proud that at Kelleher we have our own values that work for us and that we share with each employee. In fact, we make a point each week to lean into these values showing examples and honoring employees that display them.

Having a strong healthy culture and core values assessable and known in your company is the most important if you sense unease in the office.

What do we need to do as a society to change the unease around powerful women?

As a society one thing we can do is stop looking at powerful women as being different from powerful men. We need to lose the labels and gender associations. Leaders are usually confident and powerful, regardless of gender and if we can stop focusing on whether they are a female or a male, we can instead focus on their leadership skills and honor them for what they bring to the table. I look forward to the time when we see a powerful person.

In my own experience, I have observed that often women have to endure ridiculous or uncomfortable situations to achieve success that men don’t have to endure. Do you have a story like this from your own experience? Can you share it with us?

As the head of my own family business, I have never been in a position to experience uncomfortable situations rising up in the ranks at Kelleher. Having said that, I know plenty of the stories from our female clientele that have struggled being type-cast while climbing up the ranks.

One story seems like a cliche, but this actually happened. It was right out of a Madmen episode. This elite client of Kelleher held a VP role in a very large established company. She worked very hard to get the position but at the same time it was a position that she surprisingly walked away from without any regrets. She was the only woman in the room of C level executives calling a meeting when a group of decision makers entered — all male in attendance with her being the one exception. Just before she started the meeting, a man, oblivious to the fact that she held the highest position in the room looked at her and said, “Hey honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?” She froze in sheer disbelief that after such hard work and so many accomplishments it was assumed that she was the secretary and serving coffee for the men in the room.

This client told me that she had already struggled for years moving up the ranks in what she confirmed is a “man’s world” but the sheer humiliation in front of her peers was the final straw. It caused her decision to leave the company. The good news is that she followed her instincts, walked out and started a wonderful non-profit that changes the lives of many. She is seen for her work ethic and her successes and no longer as a skirt.

In your opinion, what are the biggest challenges faced by women leaders that aren’t typically faced by their male counterparts?

I still believe women are expected to prove themselves in the same roles as men who are not. In other words, men are innocent until proven guilty but when it comes to female leaders in our current male dominated companies, they are guilty before proven innocent — so it’s the reverse for men and this is a huge challenge for us women to overcome. It comes down to the level of respect that women don’t seem to get at first glance. When it comes to business, women must come in the door with more force than what we naturally would possess in our daily lives being feminine creatures. We need to work harder to be seen or heard in the boardroom. It takes strength in general to get any point across regardless of gender, but men are stronger naturally and this I believe plays a role in how we view leaders. Men aren’t better business leaders or vice versa but until our male dominated C-level roles open up to more women and we lose the “it’s a man’s world” stigma, they will continue to have a head start.

Let’s now shift our discussion to a slightly different direction. This is a question that nearly everyone with a job has to contend with. Was it difficult to fit your personal and family life into your business and career? For the benefit of our readers, can you articulate precisely what the struggle was?

Today married couples seem to share many roles within the family dynamic. Gone are the days of stay at home mom’s and the working dad’s. We have combined responsibilities and for many couples if balanced and managed properly we can have our cake and eat it too, or at least that’s the plan.

Having the ability to be a business owner I was able to lead the company at my pace and also carve out my career so that it suited my family needs and desires, and this was both a blessing and a curse. The problem that I ran into is that I like to do everything when it comes to work and family — I was always the voice and “the doer”. They say, “if you want to get something done, give it to a busy person”. I wanted to give the kids a bath and I wanted to be the one to cook them a healthy dinner or read them a bedtime story. I found myself wanting to go on their school field trips and not miss a game or a talent show but at the same time I wanted to be the decision maker at work and not skip a beat there either. I wanted to oversee growth and PR and lead the company, while also making myself available for all clients as well as mentor others that joined the team. It proved to be too much, and I nearly worked myself to death. I needed to make a change or give something up. My husband Nico wasn’t sure how to stop me because he knew I loved it all and I had a real passion for what I was doing, however there was a real struggle going on within me and I grew resentful, feeling like I held the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know that this is a similar struggle that I hear often from women. We take on too much because we can, but it’s double the effort and double the work and we forget to take care of ourselves.

The trick for me now is to mix it up. My husband and I never have the same day to day. We both primarily work from home (especially since covid) but also stay very active and spontaneous in our flow, so changes don’t seem to hinder our family or work life. We also make sure to take care of ourselves and schedule this time away into our days.

If I am traveling for work, Nico becomes the driver, the nanny and the chef in the kitchen. I do the same for him and when we are both home, we split the responsibilities as parents and spend time in nature and go on beach walks and meditate. Truth be told, I am a workaholic, always will be, but now that Kelleher has been established for three decades and we have a wonderful staff, my husband often steps in to remind me to take care of myself first and to always stop to smell the roses.

What was a tipping point that helped you achieve a greater balance or greater equilibrium between your work life and personal life? What did you do to reach this equilibrium?

The tipping point that made me achieve a greater balance was after I became sick about five years ago. Like I said, I was always on the go and seemed to manage it all. But then, “doctors orders” — I had to slow down so my husband and family made my health our priority. That was the only time I took a break from matchmaking.

I came to the realization that I needed to take care of myself first in order to truly take care of others. I totally changed my lifestyle. I learned how to pace myself, meditate and carve out mornings. I dove into spirituality and the meaning of life and found integrative medicine and realized nothing is by chance and everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it takes slowing down to get more accomplished. It’s empowering to know that we are never a victim of anything but more of a manifester and we each have our individual paths. I changed my diet to more organic foods and started juicing. Life got more interesting and fulfilling and my job became less cumbersome and more enjoyable again. Every day I count my blessings. I’ve learned that my thoughts are powerful, and words become things. It’s always best to present and kindhearted. This is powerful medicine.

I work in the beauty tech industry, so I am very interested to hear your philosophy or perspective about beauty. In your role as a powerful woman and leader, how much of an emphasis do you place on your appearance? Do you see beauty as something that is superficial, or is it something that has inherent value for a leader in a public context?

Can you explain what you mean?

Beauty is very important, and especially for a powerful female leader. However true beauty is never superficial. Beauty shines from within. If you approve of yourself and value taking care of yourself and others, then your beauty will be present. Confidence is beauty, knowledge is beauty, maturity is beauty, compassion, passion, empathy, kindness, and caring are all traits that make you beautiful.

How is this similar or different for men?

Men show their unique beauty from their confidence and in body language. People decide in one-tenth of a second and appearance is usually our first impression, therefor, men need to appear confident to get a person’s approval. We all have experienced that short, unattractive man who walks into the room and then grabs our attention. It’s not his looks but his confidence and the way in which he carries himself that is instantly attractive. This beauty element spans across all animal species. Male animals show their feathers, some put out their chest and stomp around. It’s their confident behavior and mating dance that the females gravitate to. I believe beauty starts and ends in how we view ourselves first from the inside-out, it is not the other way around. Our soul either shines bright from within or it doesn’t regardless of gender.

Ok super. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your opinion and experience, what are the “Five Things You Need To Thrive and Succeed as a Powerful Woman?” (Please share a story or example for each.)

1. Values — Get to know the values of each employee that you wish to bring onboard before you officially hire them. Choosing the right people directly relates to your growth potential. I have hired smart and not so smart and learned lessons along the way. A great entrepreneur Sir. Richard Branson taught me that you can teach someone skills, but you cannot teach someone ethics. He is right!

2. Maturity — Being a mature business leader can be seen in several ways. Maturity as a business leader is knowing when to take the lead, when to mentor others and when to follow. It takes time to balance these out because they are very different approaches to leadership, but I have always felt strongly that maturity is a sign of a wise and successful leader.

3. Confidence — Risk taking is needed to build an industry, carve a new path and/or venture into the unknown. One absolutely must possess confidence to be a risk taker and a leader. Confidence can be quite contiguous.

4. Organization — You should never try to ‘wing it’ in business.

Time management is key to accomplishing what you need to build a strong business and the more organized you are the more productive you will be with your time -hence the more successful you will become.

5. Love what you do — It’s a cliche but a good one! “If you love what you do, then it isn’t work.” I am addicted to love and so are the matchmakers at Kelleher. We love to be of service and transform the lives of our amazing clients. There is nothing more precious in life than lasting love. For all of us at Kelleher every time we see a wedding photo or a new baby photo, it is so rewarding.

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.

There is another person who is no longer with us, whom I would love the opportunity to see again. My ‘Nana’, to see her at the age I am now. When we are young kids growing up, we usually remember grandparents as older and miss the opportunity to truly see them in their prime.

Being so close with my mother and sharing a business together, we have a great mother daughter relationship and I often wonder what she was like as a daughter herself. If I could go have lunch with anyone, it would be with my mom as a child and her mom (my Nana) while in her prime raising my mom. I would love to witness that mother daughter dynamic and see them both young together. That would be a wonderful lunch indeed to have.

Oh — of course, a “single” person in this world to interview for a match that you could ping? Well, I guess that would have to be Brad Pitt for breakfast or lunch…I will let him decide.

Thank you for these fantastic insights. We greatly appreciate the time you spent on this.