Power Women: Helen Tokar of Wisner Baum On How To Successfully Navigate Work, Love and Life As A Powerful Woman

Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone — As humans, we tend to be complacent. It’s easier to keep doing what we are doing. Change is scary. It’s important to take risks, and risks require you to get out of your comfort zone. Once you do that, you will realize how much more you are capable of. The sky’s the limit.

How does a successful, strong, and powerful woman navigate work, employee relationships, love, and life in a world that still feels uncomfortable with strong women? In this interview series, called “Power Women” we are talking to accomplished women leaders who share their stories and experiences navigating work, love, and life as a powerful woman.

As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Helen Tokar.

Helen Tokar is a successful attorney who has faced head-on the challenges of being a successful professional woman in a male-dominated industry, being a working mom, and handling the impossible task of balancing work and personal life. Helen has faced everything with confidence, even if it was challenging for her. The complex challenge of being a working mom is not lost on Helen, who has found a way to balance her incredibly busy career with being a mom and even uses her maternal empathy to relate to her clients when handling mass tort cases such as those related to baby food.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood “backstory”?

I was born in Panorama City, California. My family moved to Studio City, California, when I was just around one year old, and I lived in that home until I moved away to law school. My parents still live in my childhood home. My parents and sister immigrated to the United States from Ukraine in 1978. It took some time for my family to assimilate, but my mother eventually became a nurse and my father worked in a factory. I grew up in an extremely loving household where my parents (and much older sister) always encouraged me to reach for the stars. I enjoyed studying and art. I painted for many years until life got too busy. I was a bit shy before entering high school, where I found my voice. Theatre Arts really opened my eyes and allowed me to transcend into different characters.

Can you tell us the story about what led you to this particular career path?

I always wanted to be someone important. Coming from an immigrant family, it was my goal to prove to my parents (and myself) that I could achieve anything I put my mind to. I juggled a few career paths along the way. From wanting to be an astronaut to a veterinarian to a teacher at a very early age, being a lawyer was something always of interest, but I didn’t become passionate about it until high school. As I mentioned, in high school I became very involved in my theater arts program. My theater teacher encouraged me to explore more leadership roles that were available in the performing arts. I joined the International Thespian Society freshman year. Sophomore year, I became a board member for the State of California. I was nominated and then eventually elected as the Secretary of the Board. In that role, my responsibilities included traveling across California and attending board meetings. I was the scribe, more or less, in these meetings that would last hours. I had to come in early in the morning (on a weekend) and would leave late at night. I had to learn how to focus, take copious notes, and attentively listen as my peers and colleagues discussed important matters. As I progressed through high school, I also progressed through the ranks of this highly respected “society”. I was elected California State Board President. This is when I found opportunity — an opportunity to lead and manage my peers and adult colleagues. I organized and ran very large functions, gatherings, and even conferences that filled massive college auditoriums. Many looked to me for guidance, comfort, and support. Here, I learned the ability to juggle life, while maintaining my ability to act as a role model to those that needed it most. I discovered my love of helping people navigate through life and just the ability to listen to people, not just hear them. This was truly the most invaluable experience that really set the tone for the rest of my life, personally and professionally.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?

I overcame a lot of adversity as a young woman in the legal profession. I began my career working in criminal defense. I thought that was what I wanted to do, until I had to make plea deals with DA’s and city attorneys, and they wouldn’t even look at me as the new girl in town. It was definitely an eye opening experience. I realized what may have been interesting to study in law school wasn’t at all what I expected in practice.

You are a successful business leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

Patience — This is one of the most essential character traits a successful individual (putting aside business leader) must have. Things take time. Things don’t always play out the way you want them to or expect them to. But things always have a way of working out, one way or another. It took me 10 years to finally figure out exactly what my role needed to be in the legal profession. 10 years of trials and tribulations of practicing in different areas of law to finally find my niche, something I am incredibly proud of.

Motivation — It’s important to never be complacent. It’s important to keep pushing for your goals and aspirations even if the odds seem against you. You can never give up on yourself, and if you ever do, make sure you surround yourself with people who never stop believing in you because that motivation is just as essential as self-motivation.

Empathy — The key to success, in any customer service business, is being able to connect and empathize, not only with your customers or clients but also with your staff and colleagues. People want to be heard; they want to be understood. To be a successful leader, it’s important that your colleagues feel seen and heard, as well as your clients. Without this trait, you will never be successful in business or in life.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the primary focus of our interview. The premise of this series assumes that our society still feels uncomfortable with strong women. Why do you think this is so?

I believe this just stems from the stigma that women are inherently inferior to men. Just look at the 1950s and 1960s, where women couldn’t even open a business or sign loan documents without their spouse’s signature. It’s a barrier that has been broken, but not entirely. I’ve dealt with colleagues who supported me, and those that were against me, both men and women. Unfortunately, the stigma also promotes women feeling threatened by other strong women, rather than supporting each other.

Without saying any names, can you share a story from your own experience that illustrates this idea?

I’ve had many experiences, in all forms of practice, where opportunities to grow in the profession were either minimized or stripped away from me by other colleagues (females and males, alike). Ideas, plans, negotiations, etc. would be “borrowed” from me and sold as their own, minimizing my ability to, for example, problem solve, in turn, bolstering my colleagues’ ability to do so.

What should a powerful woman do in a context where she feels that people are uneasy around her?

The realization that another person’s uneasiness is not your responsibility is incredibly freeing. As a powerful business person, and more specifically a powerful businesswoman, you should focus on your own path and recognize that many people are uneasy or uncomfortable around those in power, whether they are male or female. The difficulty lies in fighting against the often natural maternal instinct to comfort those around us, even in a professional setting.

What do we need to do as a society to change the unease around powerful women?

Break down the stigma and barriers behind what it is to be a successful person. You can do it all. You don’t have to give up your career to be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter, sibling. Women have the ability to do it all. This guilt that is put upon women that they have to decide between family or their career has to be eliminated. That stigma creates an internal battle that already lives within a successful working mother. That extra pressure should not exist.

In my own experience, I have observed that often women have to endure ridiculous or uncomfortable situations to achieve success that men don’t have to endure. Do you have a story like this from your own experience? Can you share it with us?

I’ve had multiple experiences, while pregnant with both my daughters, where I would feel uncomfortable, sick, tired, and achy, barely able to walk. I would never show how I really felt, whether it was defending a deposition or driving in almost 2 hours of traffic (each way) to make a court appearance. I would never complain or dare ask a colleague to do it for me as I never wanted to seem weak or incapable. That was always really difficult.

In your opinion, what are the biggest challenges faced by women leaders that aren’t typically faced by their male counterparts?

For those of us who are mothers, the biggest challenge we often face that our male counterparts don’t is the expectation that we are still expected to be there for our children in every circumstance. Child gets sick at school? The first person the school calls is Mom. If you put your kids in daycare while you are working, you are judged for “letting someone else raise your kids” but our male counterparts never hear that.

When my oldest daughter was born, I went back to work when she was 2 months old. I wasn’t prepared. I cried everyday. But we needed a two income household with a newborn child, student loans, and all the expenses that come with it. You are expected to jump back into the workplace unfazed and unaltered, when it’s everything but that.

Let’s now shift our discussion to a slightly different direction. This is a question that nearly everyone with a job has to contend with. Was it difficult to fit your personal and family life into your business and career? For the benefit of our readers, can you articulate precisely what the struggle was?

Absolutely — especially post-COVID. Strictly working remotely makes it difficult to shut off. You have to find a balance. You have to do your best to pick up your kids from school, go to their school events, have family dinners, and most importantly, go on dates with your spouse. That relationship is the foundation of your family. It’s important that no matter how busy you are, you try to take time out for your family or yourself.

The last few years, I realized working out is wonderful for my mental health; however, it’s difficult to clear your head when you have kids running into your workout space. So, I started waking up at 6 am to get 1 hour of a mental break from work, kids, and just the day ahead. It’s really helped me stay focused and motivated.

It’s important to find that balance. As years progress and your kids grow, that balance doesn’t get easier, but you start to learn how to prioritize. I find that keeping a routine is always very helpful.

What was a tipping point that helped you achieve a greater balance or greater equilibrium between your work life and personal life? What did you do to reach this equilibrium?

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve found that yet. It’s a juggle every day. I think my “equilibrium” is trying to take it day by day. Every day presents a new challenge and our goal for that day is to tackle that challenge. That’s it.

Ok super. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your opinion and experience, what are the “Five Things You Need To Thrive and Succeed as a Powerful Woman?”

1 . Patience — Being patient is an essential quality for success, not just for business leaders. It’s about understanding that things may not always unfold as planned or desired. However, in the long run, everything has a way of working out. It took me a decade to truly grasp my place in the legal profession, facing various challenges and experiences along the way. Finding my niche is an achievement I am truly proud of.

2 . Motivation — It’s crucial to never settle for complacency. Persistently pursue your objectives and ambitions, even when faced with adversity. You must never abandon yourself, and if you ever do, ensure that you surround yourself with individuals who unwaveringly believe in you because that drive is equally as indispensable as self-motivation.

3 . Empathy — A crucial element for success in any customer service industry involves establishing connections and understanding, not just with customers or clients, but also with colleagues and staff members. People desire recognition and comprehension. To become an accomplished leader, it is vital that your colleagues feel acknowledged and listened to, alongside your clients.

4 . Intuition — it’s probably cliché at this point, but trust your gut. Always listen to yourself. Your intuition will never steer you in the wrong direction.

5 . Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone — As humans, we tend to be complacent. It’s easier to keep doing what we are doing. Change is scary. It’s important to take risks, and risks require you to get out of your comfort zone. Once you do that, you will realize how much more you are capable of. The sky’s the limit.

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.

I can’t think of anyone right now. But I do hope that other working women see this and take it as motivation to reach for their own goals, despite the roadblocks she might face. We are slowly but surely seeing change in the professional world and that will continue as we as a society work together to support working women, encouraging them to lead, and understanding that work-life balance is crucial for not just women, but every working adult.

Thank you for these fantastic insights. We greatly appreciate the time you spent on this.