Shana Francesca of Concinnate: “Ego will do you little good in the long run, Ego is the deranged doppelganger of confidence”
An Interview With Ming Zhao
Confidence. Ego will do you little good in the long run, but confidence: that comes from within. Ego is primarily about external validation. It is a tool used to soothe our insecurities. Ego is the deranged doppelganger of confidence. We may think the two look like each other but the closer you get, you realize they are nothing alike. You can feel the difference. While building my business, confidence has encouraged me to lean into my authentic self and has given me courage. Honoring my unique voice and perspective has given rise to a much richer experience in life overall. It has allowed me to partner with people who are helping me to realize the vision for Concinnate.
How does a successful, strong, and powerful woman navigate work, employee relationships, love, and life in a world that still feels uncomfortable with strong women? In this interview series, called “Power Women” we are talking to accomplished women leaders who share their stories and experiences navigating work, love and life as a powerful woman.
As a part of this series I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Shana Francesca.
Shana Francesca is a professional interior designer and life designer with 15 years of experience. She is the founder and lead designer at Concinnate. She founded the firm five years ago with the desire to work with clients around the world. She believes infusing our lives and the spaces in which we dwell with curiosity and intention creates space for us to be our full, unique, and authentic selves.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood “backstory”?
My earliest memory is of trauma and, for a long time, trauma fought tooth and nail to stay a main character in my life. However, there was always a part of me that knew that I would overcome all of it. I was going to do whatever it took to define my life instead of allowing the circumstances I was born and raised in to define me by default.
At the age of fifteen, whatever faith I had left, was pulled out from beneath me with another deeply painful trauma. That moment changed everything, it eventually paved the way for me to question everything I believed to be true. I started reading voraciously and journaling. I began writing essays and poems to learn the sound of my own voice. Dance has always been a part of my life, since I could walk. Now, I began dancing to move trauma through my body and to connect with parts of my soul that felt lost. I began looking for inspiring quotes and writing them on index cards. I taped them on my walls to help guide me in reframing the negativity in my mind. I began using magazines to create a sort of vision board. I used all of those tools to redefine my life on my terms and I still maintain those practices.
Whenever I examine my childhood backstory, I see curiosity and imagination as the bedrocks of my life. They are my main tools and motivators. They help me to recognize not only my resilience, but the resilience within us all.
Can you tell us the story about what led you to this particular career path?
Throughout my youth, I found myself sorting through all that was thrown at me, while trying to create my life on my terms. I started to recognize how powerful my surroundings were in reflecting my beliefs back to me. Everytime something terrible would happen, I would change my physical surroundings in some way, organize or rearrange. In a way, I think I was releasing my association with what was and setting the stage for new possibilities. I wanted to take that energy and those ideas and help other people do the same.
I decided to go to design school. A few semesters in, I lost my way. I forgot how critical it is to stay curious and almost failed out of the program. I felt dejected, like I would never make it as a designer, but I had been through worse. I dug deep, found courage, and asked for help. One of my professors suggested I dive into other designers’ and architects’ work in a less clinical way — I needed to reconnect with curiosity and vulnerability. When I did, I rediscovered my creativity and ended up getting top marks in my final semesters. It was painful, but the lessons stick with me to this day.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?
One that strikes me as particularly powerful is the story of my company’s name. I was discussing the values and vision for the company with a very good friend of mine. I shared that I had not yet found a name that suited the rebrand. The company had been founded under another name but that name was always a place holder.
A couple of weeks later, my friend sent me a screenshot of the word Concinnity. We both are super nerds who love vocabulary and spent a fair amount of time, growing up, reading dictionaries. It is not at all weird for one of us to randomly find a word that we find interesting and share it with the other. Concinnity is an obsolete word, but something about it hit me hard, like Kevin Hart ‘Say it with your chest’ style. I did a deep dive into the etymology of the word and other related words, and found our name… Concinnate. It’s the verb form of Concinnity. It’s a gorgeous word and I knew it was our name the moment I read the definition.
What struck me was how little I had to do with discovering it. I set the intention, took the next step forward and the universe took care of the rest. The answer literally came special delivery.
You are a successful business leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Kindness. A few years ago KIND Snacks came out with a commercial that talked about the difference between nice and kind. It made so clear how subtle distinctions have massive impact. Kindness tells the truth, but it does so with empathy. Kindness and empathy dig deep into our humanity. They allow us to draw from experience, to establish, and honor boundaries. I realized I had little experience with setting or honoring boundaries due to growing up in an abusive environment. Since then, I have been on a journey of developing kindness, empathy, and working on boundary setting. They have become a critical trifecta. They have not only transformed me and my business, but they inform all of the relationships in such a deep and meaningful way.
Curiosity. At times I feel a strong pull toward ‘knowing it all,” to be perceived as the expert. My creativity comes from my curiosity and is stifled when I fall too firmly into expert mode. Last year, I was working on a client project and I proposed a black accent on these beautiful crisscrossing support beams in the ceiling. The purpose was to use black sparingly to accent the architecture of the home but in ways that would have a beautiful impact. At first, I wanted to see how open the clients would be to the idea. I asked if we could try it in a small section. When they came back to me to discuss, they were all in to paint the beams. Not only that, but it led us to discuss painting other unique architectural features of the home black. By coming from a place of curiosity, we lead others into curiosity. ‘What if’ is a whole lot less threatening than deciding that we know best. It takes away the need for anyone to be right or wrong, it’s just an experiment. It is a great way to see what’s possible, to ‘trick’ our brains, and side step fear.
Intention. This one is a doozy. I dive deeper into intention with every passing day in my life and in my communication. Lately I have been exploring intention through scent. Scent is our strongest connection to memory and recalling particular emotions. By curating scents in my life, I help support my emotional health. I can breathe in the scent of my hair, which smells of lavender and mint or my clothing scented with white lavender to remind myself that stress is choice and perception. Once or twice a week, I take a long hot bath and burn a scented candle. This way, I anchor the smell of lavender to beautiful moments of self care. It’s really quite transformative. What might be even more powerful is that I now associate scent with intention itself. By living from a place of purpose, I remind myself that I am worthy, cared for, and safe inside my body.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the primary focus of our interview. The premise of this series assumes that our society still feels uncomfortable with strong women. Why do you think this is so?
Gender roles have been so programmed into our society and the hierarchy from which those roles operate. I think it is easy to be uncomfortable with a strong woman because of these constructs. Whether or not we consciously or specifically subscribe to traditional gender roles, we are all in some way affected by and operate within them. In reality, a strong woman is only a threat to the ways things have been done; she is not inherently a threat to any person. However, when we thrive or benefit from the constructs in place, we see a strong woman as a threat to our very being, our livelihood, or hindrance to our thriving.
Without saying any names, can you share a story from your own experience that illustrates this idea?
I have to be honest, this question has been really triggering for me. I have written a response at least three times and redacted each one. What came pouring out relayed hurt and anger where I am still working through healing. So my answer employs broader strokes.
I grew up in an environment that was abusive and manipulative but also extremely conservative. There was a struggle inside me between knowing myself to be powerful and feeling dominated by fear. Fear because it was made clear to me that I was only allowed to operate inside very specific gender roles, assigned very strictly, by a higher power. For most of my life I was told I needed to dial myself back. Being a wife and a mother was my main purpose and no man would want me because I was too tall and too passionate. I was also too intelligent, powerful, and self assured or was trying to be. Those were qualities reserved for men and I was meant to be ‘help mate’.
Getting married and having children was so indoctrinated as my main role in life from such a young age. When I was hurt by my babysitter’s son at the age of three, the first thing I asked the doctor was could I still have children? I sob for that little girl. When she needed to be worrying about healing her body and her spirit, she was worried that she might be broken and no one would want her. She was worried that if she could not be a mother, did she even have a purpose? The very concept of being created for mainly one purpose was stealing my power, the power of my choice, the power found in being myself. Over time it became clear people were uncomfortable with me so I became uncomfortable with myself.
As a young adult, I nearly broke trying to make myself small enough so my bosses would not be intimidated by me. Several were quite literally emotionally abusive in order to keep me in my place, to keep me in check. From the outset of my story, it was, for a long time, one long struggle against everything and everyone that wanted me to be small and to give up my power. And yet, like Dr. Maya Angelou said “still I rise.”
What should a powerful woman do in a context where she feels that people are uneasy around her?
If I feel that someone is not quite sure how to approach me, then I feel the situation out. I might ask an honest question, something perception-driven so it feels catered to that person. Getting someone talking about what interests them can quickly put them at ease and change the energy in the room. My other go-to is making an interesting or funny observation. I am an especially observant person, so I can usually spot something that I can chat with someone about.
I feel it is important to keep in mind that there are times when someone’s discomfort makes me feel uncomfortable around them. So I check in with myself and make sure I feel emotionally and physically safe. If I feel unsafe, I no longer require myself to provide a reason. I simply exit and take care of myself. It is not my responsibility to put someone else at ease, to my own detriment, not ever.
What do we need to do as a society to change the unease around powerful women?
For me, this is such a multi-layered answer. But before I dive in: First I want to acknowledge that I do not subscribe to a person being identified only as male or female, or identified by the sexual organs they are born with. For the purposes of this response, I am speaking about traditional ideas of gender and gender roles. I know that this discussion could be triggering for many people as it is a very sensitive personal topic and I want to do my best to be inclusive and open up dialogue rather than level judgment.
I think the narrative starts when we are young. We are told that boys do not mature as quickly as girls, but that is by design, not by capacity. Boys have the same capacity for maturity and nurturing as girls. By not holding boys accountable and not allowing them to be fully feeling beings, we dehumanize boys right into adulthood. Is it any wonder that many men struggle with objectifying girls/women if they have been left with so little humanity and little accountability? We are programming authenticity out of our children and, from my perspective, it remains an issue into adulthood. It has a vast impact on every aspect of our interpersonal interactions. It is what gives birth to the discomfort, fear, and resentment shown toward strong and powerful women.
When a boy’s role in society is no longer specifically tied to being only Provider and Protector, but to be a whole and complete, fully feeling human being, that creates a dramatic shift. When women are allowed the space to choose their lives and not questioned or ostracized for it, it will create space for healthy competition around accomplishment and creativity instead of a woman’s life being defined primarily by ‘Beauty’, Marriage and Children. It allows human beings to choose themselves and their own journeys. It creates space for authenticity and intention. It defuses fear and objectification.
When we realize we are special and unique, we cannot compare ourselves to others. We are not judging ourselves based on others’ expectations because we know that others’ expectations have nothing to do with us. When we release the idea that being powerful means dominating others, we allow not only ourselves to be powerful, but others as well. We know that others’ brilliance does not diminish our power in the least. We can instead choose to see ourselves and others like a map of stars; each one shines bright on their own and together, they create an even more stunningly beautiful picture.
I don’t know if our society is ready to release gender roles. We will continue to be threatened by powerful women, until the day comes where we no longer cling so relentlessly to prescribed gender constructs and identities.
In my own experience, I have observed that often women have to endure ridiculous or uncomfortable situations to achieve success that men don’t have to endure. Do you have a story like this from your own experience? Can you share it with us?
My first job was at a small design firm not too far from where I grew up in South Jersey. We worked on mostly model homes and private residences. I started working there my junior year in college. Within a year I was really getting into my groove and started having ideas that I was proposing to the head of the firm. The fact that I had the audacity to respect my own ideas and the courage to present them really upset her. At one point, she brought me to a client meeting to co-present. I wore a knee length pencil skirt and a blouse. She pulled me aside and told me that what I was wearing was going to bring attention to me, and distract from the project. I should never ‘dress like that’ again. I had to wear pants from then on to keep her anger and abusive comments at bay. This left me angry, confused and exposed. Was the body I was born with always going to be the only thing people paid attention to when I entered the room?
In your opinion, what are the biggest challenges faced by women leaders that aren’t typically faced by their male counterparts?
The fact that we are asking the question is revealing all by itself. I think one of the biggest challenges is assumptions. For me, assumptions are decisions made for someone else without consideration of their perspective or allowance for them to disagree. It goes even further that most women are raised to believe they should not disagree, that it makes them disagreeable and unlikeable. Oftentimes women are not given the space to have divergent ideas, they are not expected or wanted to think outside the box. Women are more likely to be assumed to not know their own mind or to not be able to be trusted because women are “too emotional.” I think the reality is more, that we do not allow men to be emotional in any other way than through the expression of anger. In my observation, this makes it really difficult for men to be comfortable or to understand the expression of a full range of emotions. I bring it all back to curiosity. Curiosity is a portal to a world built on equity, beauty, and vulnerability. Curiosity paves way for vulnerability (and the understanding of true vulnerability as a strength), consent, intention, and trust.
Let’s now shift our discussion to a slightly different direction. This is a question that nearly everyone with a job has to contend with. Was it difficult to fit your personal and family life into your business and career? For the benefit of our readers, can you articulate precisely what the struggle was?
At first, yes it was really difficult. I felt obligated to maintain relationships as they were and many were predominantly on other people’s terms. I was starting a business and learning about boundary setting all at the same time. I read the book How Full is Your Bucket and it really helped.
As I dove deeper into boundary setting, I started seeing where guilt was manipulating me into spending time with others to my own detriment. My main love language is quality time. I emphasize QUALITY time, not quantity of time. Once I leaned into that it started changing things and has given me the space to release shame, around relationships and my availability. I do not necessarily text my friends on their birthday or call them every day or even every week. However, I am present for the messy bits, the beautiful bits, and the mundane ones too. I do not shy away from deep or uncomfortable conversations. In my friendships now, we are more intentional about how we spend time together and it has strengthened so many of my relationships.
In short, in the past, relationships were a struggle because I was trying to pack my life into the neat boxes of others’ expectations. When I release that, stress around relationships doesn’t come up nearly as often for me. Yes, there are moments, but it is no longer pervasive in my life.
What was a tipping point that helped you achieve a greater balance or greater equilibrium between your work life and personal life? What did you do to reach this equilibrium?
The tipping point was during the beginning of the pandemic in early 2020. I took that moment to allow myself to step back and ask, ‘what do I really want my life to look like?’ I started paying attention to who or what I did not miss in my life and what was draining me and/or eating up my time. I like to spend time in a way that I am not tracking how much time is passing. I think when you are building a business, at various points, it is really easy to get caught up in being the doer of all the things. It becomes almost a part of your identity, or at least it did for me for a while and, at moments, still does. If I am doing things that have me watching the clock or dreading spending the time, it might be best to hand those tasks off or redefine a relationship.
Part of my deep work has been speaking my truth, even when it’s hard. The key is relaying the truth with empathy while setting boundaries. So, for me, I continue to ask myself questions like, Who do I love spending time with? What inspires me to be my best self? Who in my life challenges me and vice versa? I step back from the people or things that are no longer meant to take up a large part of my life, this is what has created equilibrium for me.
I work in the beauty tech industry, so I am very interested to hear your philosophy or perspective about beauty. In your role as a powerful woman and leader, how much of an emphasis do you place on your appearance? Do you see beauty as something that is superficial, or is it something that has inherent value for a leader in a public context? Can you explain what you mean?
Some days I place a great deal of emphasis and others, not so much. I give myself space to do what feels best for me. Rupal says “We come into this world naked and the rest is drag.” I think that is one of the most perfect ways to describe how we use fashion and beauty to represent ourselves in the world. I heard a story about Alicia Keys. Someone was calling her out because she was putting on lipstick, shortly after publicly saying she was no longer wearing makeup. She looked at them and said “I do what the F*** I want.”
For me, those two quotes provide such beautiful freedom. Some days, I work from home and I will put on makeup and dress myself up, sit down at my desk and be inspired by my creativity around my own body. Also, I have an entire section of my wardrobe that is sequins. My desk is positioned well to get great natural light. I have been known to throw on a sequin top just to watch how the sun reflects off it like a disco ball. Sections of my closet are starting to look like the second coming of Liberace. Other days, I might already be in the zone in my head and what I am wearing is the last thing I am thinking about and I might record and post a video with no makeup and more casual clothing… because I do what I want, what is authentic for me at that moment.
When I meet with clients or vendors or when I’m networking, I like to dress well based on the occasion. And, for me, If I am not sure what the occasion calls for, I would rather overdress than under. Dressing well makes me feel like I am inside my body, confident and bold. Much of my creativity is expressed in the way I dress, in how I want to be seen in that moment. I am my brand, I represent my business and I am a designer. No matter what I wear or however much or little makeup I wear, I want to always do it well. For me, that is the key. It comes back to the question, ‘is what I am wearing and how I am caring for myself connected to this moment in my life and what I want or need to accomplish? And am I caring for myself well?’ I think that is the difference between beauty in a superficial context and it being connected to who we are. I look at women like Dolly Parton and she loves a sequin and a face filler and from what I hear she is one of the most genuine people you will ever meet. She is adamantly herself and that is what makes her unique and special and authentic-she is also her brand and represents her brand intelligently and beautifully.
How is this similar or different for men?
This is different for men because we don’t spend too much time talking about what (heternormative) men are wearing or about their beauty regimen and we rarely discuss it in the context of being able to diminish their role as a powerful leader.
I grew up not even being allowed to wear pants except outside to play. I was expected to wear a skirt or dress even at the school I attended, except for gym class. That was a rule set by the school itself until we lobbied to be allowed to wear pants. Those same ideas around what is acceptable for women to wear felt true in the corporate world as well. If I wanted to get ahead I had to ‘dress the part’ and wear things that were figure flattering but did not ‘cross the line to suggestive’. Whatever the heck that means. If we do not objectify someone’s body, they can stand before us naked and we know that that is not, by default, an invitation to join them in any moment of any kind, but I digress.
I envy men when it comes to the construction of their clothing in general. I can’t think of a single article of a man’s clothing for which he needs assistance putting on or taking it off. For women, fifty percent of our clothing takes a special dexterity to assemble onto our bodies. For instance, a jumpsuit. Every person who has ever worn a jumpsuit knows you are going to have to dehydrate yourself or develop a second bladder, because you are never going to get that thing off and back on successfully without it touching the bathroom floor in the process. Not only that, but you will likely be panting and sweating once you do get it successfully off and back on, from trying to rebutton it behind your back. Yes, I am describing an exact jumpsuit that is currently hanging in my closet.
In short, if we get curious about our individual and collective ideas around beauty and clothing, we can start to dismantle beliefs that are harmful. We can create space for people to represent themselves in the ways that are authentic to them and know that it has exactly nothing to do with us and what we want for their body and it should not, by default, be attached to how powerfully we perceive them.
Ok super. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your opinion and experience, what are the “Five Things You Need To Thrive and Succeed as a Powerful Woman?” (Please share a story or example for each.)
Confidence. Ego will do you little good in the long run, but confidence: that comes from within. Ego is primarily about external validation. It is a tool used to soothe our insecurities. Ego is the deranged doppelganger of confidence. We may think the two look like each other but the closer you get, you realize they are nothing alike. You can feel the difference. While building my business, confidence has encouraged me to lean into my authentic self and has given me courage. Honoring my unique voice and perspective has given rise to a much richer experience in life overall. It has allowed me to partner with people who are helping me to realize the vision for Concinnate.
Kindness & Asking for Help. Being kind to yourself is critical. As you build your life, you will make mistakes because you are constantly learning. You will make decisions from the information you have. Inevitably, you will come across a situation that will force you to learn more after you have already made a decision. For me, those are the moments when I have learned the most. Not from getting it right but from realizing I need to stay curious and ask for help. In moments of learning, extending kindness takes the power right out of shame and allows me to receive help. Kindness is allowing myself/yourself and others the space to see the world from another perspective and at times, to need help to do so.
Resilience. For me, resilience is the ability to move through struggle. Releasing shame around failure and struggle and being kind to ourselves, fuels resilience. There have been times when I made a mistake, misstep or uninformed decision and resilience reminds me I will do better next time. When I wade into the reality of a failure, I can more naturally move through it. Resilience is like having a life jacket on while white water rafting. It doesn’t mean you won’t fall out of the boat, or that you might not get the wind knocked out of you by a few tough rapids. Instead, it helps you keep your head above water until you can gain your bearings and get back on the boat. Next time you hit those rapids, you will have a better idea of how to navigate them. Resilience is knowing that you do not need to forgive yourself, that you did the best you knew how. What is critical is what you do to gain knowledge in the present and do better in the future.
Intention. I love the practice of setting my intention for the day. Today, my intention is to approach everything and everyone I encounter, including myself, with love. I had sent an email to a client this morning to hold them accountable and check in as to why they have been paying their bill a few weeks late without acknowledging or addressing it over the last two months. Staying true to my intention for the day, I approach this conflict from a place of humanity, of relationship building, of conflict transformation, and of love. Being intentional allows me to review my email before I send it and make sure everything I say aligns with that intention. Rather than standing in my ‘rightness’ or my right to be upset and annoyed, I lay those aside because I know what I am really working toward. All I can do is be responsible for how I communicate and how intentional I am with my life. I have no control over anyone else. Intention allows us to design our lives and relationships.
Curiosity. Every aspect of my life is fueled by curiosity. I am sitting here while writing this looking at the glass of water next to me, marveling at the spread of water bubbles clinging to the inside of the cup. It’s a glass of still water, but there are an incredible amount of bubbles. I am fascinated by the texture and the way, as I look at it from different views, the image is shifting and overlapping. The way the bubbles at the edge of my view of the curve of the glass seem to shoot a spectrum of light through themselves. When I am done writing this, I may sit here for a while and see where my mind takes me. It is in those moments, where we do not have a planned or specific outcome or agenda that our mind is able to do so many incredible things. It is the place where creativity is born. When we let go of what we feel like we should know or what we have to know, or what we should be doing, we can tap into a world of connection that we did not know was possible. Time set aside for musing has been critically important for me in growing my business, in designing projects, and in designing my own life.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.
Dolly Parton. From my perspective, she is fantastic. I cannot express the number of times I watched the movie 9 to 5 throughout my life. I wish more men would watch it and understand how serious a film it is. The movie influenced the way I look at work and the work environment, as I build my company. Watching documentaries or programs Dolly has been a part of, I marvel at her authenticity, philanthropic endeavors, and her desire and ability to own her life. She makes no apologies or excuses, she has built the life she wants. She surrounds herself with fascinating people and I am certain a lunch with her would be delightful and that there would likely be sequins involved. She inspires me to challenge my views of what authenticity looks like, because it is not defined by others but by ourselves.
Thank you for these fantastic insights. We greatly appreciate the time you spent on this.
