Rachel Astarte On How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself

In my practice, we work with what I call the Foundations of Self. Having a strong foundation of self allows you to manage life’s challenges with grace because you have given that grace to yourself first.

As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” we had the pleasure to interview Rachel Astarte.

Rachel Astarte, LMFT, is a holistic psychotherapist, transformational coach, author, and educator. She specializes in supporting individuals along their path of psychospiritual awakening. Through online sessions and courses, she helps clients and students develop confidence and complete self-acceptance.

Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.

I started out as a writer and actor, with a great desire to connect with other people through shared human experience. It was around 2011 when I decided to branch out and do healing work as well. I became a transformational life coach, studied shamanism, and then extended my education to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. I became a licensed psychotherapist in 2020, with a focus on holistic psychotherapy.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?

I’m launching an online program based on my signature workshop, Write Your Self Open. The program is designed to help participants develop self-confidence through guided meditation, writing, and group discussion. Each class covers essential self-development topics, such as how to be your own best friend, developing healthy self-talk, creating and maintaining boundaries, and finding your unique calling in life.

Also in the works is a book on healthy boundaries called, Boundaries, Not Walls: How Protecting Your Peace Creates Better Relationships.

Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self-acceptance?

For most of my early life, I struggled with chronic low self-esteem. The strange part was that internally, I felt confident and full of self-love. My problem was that I didn’t trust that I could be myself around other people; I figured I was too weird to be liked or even loved just as I was. I had to hide my true self in order to fit in. It wasn’t until the untimely death of my father that I realized how fragile and temporary our lives are. I needed to start living as my full Self before it was too late. This became a mission for me, and now I work to help others do the same.

According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?

I blame society. But seriously, advertising agencies sell us the message that who we are is not good enough. This message is propagated by social media, celebrity culture, and the fitness industry, among others. We end up distracted by the focus on external beauty and comparison with others’ external appearance, instead of looking inward and making life decisions that are right for us as individuals — albeit decisions that might adversely affect the industries that rely on consumers to remain in a state of dissatisfaction with themselves.

The result of this is that so many of us slip into a false sense of inadequacy, which can lead to anxiety, depression, or a general sense of what I’d call existential ennui.

To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself is truly so important?

Here’s what I tell my clients and students: Everything around us is energy. There are no solid building blocks of matter; it’s all energy. We also know, thanks to quantum mechanics, that not only are we all connected (quantum entanglement), but our energy also influences the energy around us. The energy we generate in the world affects what it becomes (quantum superposition). We’re literally creating the world we live in.

With that in mind, when we practice self-love, we are generating creative and productive energy into the quantum field and collective consciousness. Additionally, since we are all connected, if you can love others, you can love yourself. There is no difference.

Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?

Many people choose to stay in mediocre relationships for two predominant reasons. Perhaps we feel we can’t do better than our current relationship. That’s a classic self-esteem issue.

Another reason is that we see the potential in our partner and have a sense that if we just stick with it, they’ll eventually feel loved and supported enough to step into the full bloom of their being. This often shows up for people-pleasers and caretakers. We literally take the care away from the other person by being their champion, and in a sense we end up enabling their dysfunctional behavior.

In either case, our partner usually ends up resenting us because unconsciously they begin to feel infantilized. They can also sense we’re not being our true selves in the relationship. The result is that we end up feeling drained and stuck.

As Maya Angelou has famously said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I’d add to that, believe yourself. If something feels off in a relationship, talk about it with your partner. It’s always better to speak your truth in a relationship. Even if the partnership ends, it will be because it was not a good fit for either of you. You’ll have saved each other a lot of time and pain.

When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?

Before I answer that, it’s important to know that we can love and accept ourselves the way we are and know we need to change. This is the main tenet of DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. The two exist at the same time: self-acceptance and the desire to change.

The key is to practice non-judgment. With non-judgment, we show love to our perfectly imperfect selves, to our path of growth, and we accept that making adjustments to our behavior along that path is a positive step toward being the best human being we can be.

A few questions we can ask ourselves are:

• Do I blame others for what is not going well in my life?
• How often to I expect others to give me what I need without telling them what I need?
• What part do I play in my own dissatisfaction?

There was a time in my life when I was a champion perfectionist. Like, Olympic level. I was proud of my diligence and precision in the execution of whatever I set out to do. To the outside world I appeared accomplished and solid. But, man, if I sent out an email with a typo in it, I would melt like the doused Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. Not so solid.

I hated that it took me hours (sometimes days) to shake off the feeling of failure over one small, overlooked detail. I knew something had to change.

So, the next time I made a mistake, I gave myself a pep talk. Out loud. Something like, Okay. So you messed that up. Big deal. That’s one thing out of dozens of right things you’ve done today. Do you want to feel bad about it for a few minutes? Great. I’m setting the timer for 15 minutes. Then, get back to work.

Practicing non-judgment helped me immensely. If I made a mistake, rather than stew in self-admonishment, I asked myself what I could learn from the experience. I started shifting negative events into opportunities for growth.

So many don’t really know how to be alone or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?

It is only in solitude that we can turn off the outside chatter and influence of other minds so that we can listen to our True Selves. Imagine being at a loud party. You slip into the restroom and close the door. You’re finally alone, in quiet, with no pressure to interact with anyone but yourself. We all need those moments of inner peace.

Some of my clients don’t like solitude because they are afraid to be alone with their thoughts. I ask them what thoughts they’re afraid of. Usually, they can’t think of anything. That’s because many times we’re more afraid of what we think will happen rather than what actually does.

When we consider that all our thoughts — positive and negative — are precious parts of ourselves, we see there is nothing to fear. When we apply non-judgment to our lives, it’s so much easier to welcome in whatever thoughts or feelings come to us. They’re ours and, just like little children, they want our love and attention.

How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?

This goes back to our interconnectedness. When we understand and love ourselves, we can better see that others suffer the way we do. Compassion arises from that awareness. Compassion means “to suffer with.” Self-understanding and self-love translate to deeper connection with others.

In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?

Individuals can better understand and accept themselves by practicing both genuine curiosity and non-judgment. Get curious about who you are and why. Give yourself grace when you encounter parts of yourself you want to change. Begin to see your desire to improve yourself as a gift you’re giving yourself and the world.

Society could aid in this by not enabling the glorification of surface aspects of humanity, like physical attractiveness or wealth. Instead, we as a collective community could promote products and programs that support self-development. I’d also love to see self-celebration be an integral part of the early education curriculum.

Here is the main question of our discussion. What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?

In my practice, we work with what I call the Foundations of Self. Having a strong foundation of self allows you to manage life’s challenges with grace because you have given that grace to yourself first.

Practice non-judgment.
This is the lifeblood of your self-work. Judging yourself holds you back from inner growth and outer connection. Instead, look upon the past with curiosity and the desire to learn from it.

Example: Not kicking yourself for staying in a bad relationship for as long as you did.

Stay genuinely curious and open to change in your life.

Ask questions of yourself from a non-judgmental place. Know that you can adjust your way of thinking or behaving without shame.

Example: You hurt someone’s feelings, so you acknowledge this and apologize without feeling defensive or ashamed.

Know that we are all spirits having a human experience.
We are each here to learn different lessons. Focus on yours and — with love and compassion — leave others to theirs. You cannot change anyone but your self.
Example: Respectfully choosing not to engage with a gossiping colleague.

Remember that everything is your sibling.
Cosmically speaking, everything is related. Our origins can be traced to the Big Bang.

Quantum entanglement proves interconnectedness: Particles communicate with each other, even at a great distance. All beings are your family — human and non-human. You are never alone.

Example: When you feel lonely, you take a walk in nature and enjoy the company of the trees, birds, rocks, and insects.

Keep in mind that a community is only as healthy as the individuals that comprise it.
Your self-work isn’t only for your benefit. Living as your highest self helps heal the world.
A good daily contemplation is, “What energy am I contributing to collective consciousness?”

Example: Rather than lose your temper with a slow cashier at the grocery store, you empathize with them and perhaps say a kind word that makes them feel good about themselves.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?

The Four Books I Recommend Most Often

A Little Book on the Human Shadow
Robert Bly

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha
Tara Brach

Shadows on the Path
Abdi Assadi

The Wisdom Jesus
Cynthia Bourgeault

Each of these books asks us to look at our lives from a place of love and a desire to evolve into the best version of ourselves.

Podcasts

I love Abdi Assadi’s podcast, which you can access at his website, abdiassadi.com.

Of course, I also recommend my podcast, Self Talk with Rachel Astarte, which you can find wherever you get podcasts. It guides listeners toward self-love and acceptance for the benefit of themselves and our collective family — both human and non-human.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…

World Non-judgment Day needs to be a thing. I envision it as a full day of accepting one another and ourselves for exactly who we are. Like The Purge in reverse. Instead of giving 24-hours’ license to the worst of our nature, we spend the day elevating everyone we see, sharing love and acceptance of all people. (Kinda like this guy, comedian Troy Hawke.)

On World Non-judgment Day, we would see the hurtful people as the hurt people they are and feel compassion for them. Practice acceptance of those who live differently than we do.

Above all, you would shine the light of love on your Self and recognize that you are an essential part of the whole. There is only one YOU in all the world. That’s what makes your contribution to collective consciousness absolutely vital.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by?
Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?

My favorite life lesson quote comes from a tapestry my ex-husband gave me. It’s hanging in my living room where I can see it all the time.

To bring peace to the world, strive to make your own life peaceful.

Remember that everything you do, see, think, say, believe, feel, and know comes from you and radiates out into the world. In other words, you have a profound effect on the world. You’re more powerful than you may realize. Use that power for good.

Love yourself the way you would love anyone else. It’s all the same. When you love yourself, you create a loving world.

Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!