Rachel S. Ruby Of Divorce To Bliss On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce

An Interview With Fotis Georgiadis

Fotis Georgiadis
Authority Magazine

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Surround yourself with people who truly support the new you and vision of your future. It is so important to have the right people in your life — those who truly love and support you. I let a few people go from my life and allowed new friends to enter who are full of life and love and provide unconditional support, and it feels amazing.

As part of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” I had the pleasure of interviewing Rachel S. Ruby.

Rachel S. Ruby is an attorney, former certified divorce mediator and entrepreneur. Rachel’s life was turned upside-down when she divorced in midlife after almost 30 years of marriage. She has authored several books, and Divorce to Bliss is her most heartfelt book to date. It took a big journey through the dark tunnel of divorce for Ms. Ruby to find true happiness and live her best life. It is her passion and her mission to share this pathway to happiness after divorce, so that others can live their truth and find ultimate bliss.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?

Hi! I grew up in a suburb of Los Angeles, in a warm loving family with a large extended family. My parents adopted me and my younger brother at birth and were very open, loving and caring. I had an exceptionally “normal” and happy childhood. They taught me many valuable life lessons; from my brilliant father I learned the importance of education and hard work, and from my sweet mother I learned how to connect with people, really listen and figure out what they need.

I did well in school and went on to college and law school, practiced law for a short time then married and started a family. I owned a real estate brokerage and for years taught many agents about the legalities of purchase contracts through corporate education, podcasts, live events and blogs. Writing has always been my passion and I have written several other books, magazine and newspaper articles, and many short stories. I always knew I would end up as a writer full time. My divorce provided not only that opportunity, but the catalyst for me to find my passion helping others by showing them they can live incredibly happy lives despite the trauma associated with it.

Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?

I wrote Divorce to Bliss as the result of my own divorce after 27 years of marriage. I had to go through a very dark tunnel to get to the beautiful light at the end, and it was absolutely worth it to get there! Prior to and during my divorce I did a LOT of deep inner work and went through a major spiritual awakening as a result. It was the most incredible thing I have ever experienced, and all the work I did on myself led to some earth-shattering truths. I started a blog at one point and came to realize that I needed to write a book to help others learn how to find the kind of happiness I had found, because divorce is a trauma and many people do not know how to start healing. It has since become my life’s purpose to help those who are stuck in victim consciousness and/or negativity as the result of divorce, so they can heal and find their happiness. I was meant to do this work and I am excited every single day to be of service to those who need me.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?

I think it is a combination of stories that is most interesting. Since I started writing the book, I have had so many people approach me, many who have said they are drawn to my energy and want to learn how to mirror it in their own lives. I have counseled many people — which is my biggest pleasure — and I love it when they tell me my story and words help them listen to their hearts.

Several women have conveyed that they were able to take my advice and make subtle changes in their lives which led to feeling more grounded and confident. They were excited to implement more tools from the book in order to see further improvements.

Sometimes all it takes is someone to listen and help guide you on starting a path toward healing and happiness. It takes hard work and courage, but it IS possible. Those who choose to stick with it are rewarded immensely, and to me those are the BEST stories.

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?

It is not really a funny mistake, but like most everyone does I listened a lot to what those around me had to say — at least for a short while until I figured out that doing so was not serving me! A few friends told me I should stay married because it was “tough out there” to be single. An extreme example was a neighbor who told me that if I left my marriage God would strike me with debilitating illness. I responded that my God wants me to be happy, because it is only when we are truly happy that we can serve our purpose here — which is to serve humanity, other life forms and our planet. I shook it off and decided to politely tell others that if I wanted their advice on what to do, I would ask. Trusting my own instincts and my heart were the only way to come to the right decision for the rest of my life. A big part of that involves letting go of fear, because it can put a choke hold on making the right choices with divorce and life in general.

Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?

There are so many life lesson quotes I love, but here are a few that resonate at this time in my life:

I love this quote from Eckhart Tolle: “The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.” This is truth — we are the ones in control of our lives, and that means we decide whether our lives will be blissful or not, whether we will be successful (however one defines that) or not, and whether we will make a difference by acting through love in our hearts, OR conversely by letting negativity and/or fear dictate our thoughts and actions. It is all up to us to be mindful in order to steer ourselves in the right direction.

I also love this one from Carl Jung: “Who looks outside dreams. Who looks inside awakens.” This is beyond powerful, and also deep truth. Change cannot come from looking out; each of us needs to look deep within to make changes, fully loving ourselves and trusting in our intuition to guide our choices, and that is the only way to live a blissful life. This was the biggest lesson I learned going through divorce and doing deep healing work.

Another favorite is this quote from Oprah Winfrey: “What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we have.” Wow, does this resonate! For the last few years of my marriage, I was extremely unhappy, and I stopped speaking my truth — to both myself and my spouse. I know now why I did it, but the effect was that I was miserable, and that is no way to live! It brought physical pain to my body and kept me in a negative lifecycle, which is so obvious in hindsight when I look back at photos and videos of me! Life is short and everything is temporary, so we need to make the right choices to be happy — we simply MUST stand in and speak our truth in order to do so.

Last, this is a quote from my book. It sums up the importance of healing after divorce, and how to live one’s best life: “If we are to achieve bliss in this lifetime there is no time to deny ourselves that which makes us whole…we simply cannot remain stuck in mediocrity.”

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

I am currently working on my personal coaching program to help people heal from divorce so that they can lead blissful lives. I also will be doing live events down the road with this same goal in mind. There is some very exciting stuff coming soon!

Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?

As I mentioned above, divorce was a huge personal journey for me. Going from the “we” to the me is not easy; whether divorce is challenging or amicable there are always so many feelings involved. I went through the gamut like everyone, and there was a lot of fear in the unknown life I was jumping into — would I be able to support myself alone? Where would I live? What would happen if I became ill or needed help in some way and had no partner? Would I ever find love again or would I spend the rest of my life alone? Once I realized that fear was guiding all those questions, and once I made the choice to LET GO of that fear, I was able to step off the proverbial cliff knowing that I would be ok. But to get to that point I had to do a lot of diving into who “me” was, what she wanted, and how she wanted life to play out for her (knowing of course that some things are out of my control). I had to get in touch with my inner child — who had been in hiding for a long time — in order to not be so serious and find lightness and laughter. These are just a few of the things I learned but they were paramount to moving forward to a beautiful life.

During this process of self-discovery, forgiveness, learning to love myself, treating my body as a temple, speaking my truth, putting me first and letting go (to name a few!), I discovered a “me” I didn’t know existed (or perhaps I did know her, but she had been buried for such a long time). She now shines a radiant light and basks in the essence of the beauty all around. She is not afraid of what may happen, because she knows in her heart that her life is blessed and that she will not only survive, but will live life to the fullest. She wants to surround herself with people who also know these things, and wants to look back at the end and know she has no regrets.

In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?

Oooh this is a loaded question! First of all, most people fall into a well of negativity, anger, hurt and other negative emotions that can lead them to dark places — it is important to feel all the feelings but guidance is needed here to move forward. Many will turn to food, alcohol, other substances and/or sex to try and dull the pain. It is of utmost importance to know how to start the healing process so that the caterpillar within each of us can emerge as a butterfly. That starts with learning how to rewire the mind, body and spirit.

Dating immediately after divorce is another mistake people need to understand — most importantly you cannot love another until you truly love yourself. Many people THINK they love themselves, but until they go through the healing process dating needs to be put on hold, because they will not attract the right partners. You need to learn who you are first and what you want out of the rest of your life — in other words, you need to truly embody self-love — before you can attract partners who will support the new you.

There are so many mistakes that can be made if people do not take the time to go through the process of rewiring, healing and discovery.

People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?

Yes, divorce can be very positive if you heal properly. In my book I talk about rewiring oneself — mind, body and spirit — in order to become whole again. This allows you to find your true happiness and live a life that is focused on that bliss. The positive result of this is that you are born again so to speak — you learn who you are as a human being and what you want from life. You learn how to trust yourself and be authentic and put YOU first, and the importance of standing in your truth and forgiving yourself, your ex-spouse and others; you learn to stop blaming and focusing on who messed up, you accept that it simply IS and that your most important job is to move on and make life incredible. You learn how blessed you are and see things from a different perspective, and you are grateful for all of it. You learn to recognize unhealthy patterns and change them, to stop being a victim and to listen to your intuition, and much more! Once I learned all of the new “tools” for a beautiful life my life started to change immensely, and I experienced the most mind-blowing awakening. I felt high, so alive, beautiful, magical, open in so many ways to life — ways in which I was previously blocked. I was full of positivity and only saw the good in everything and everyone. I started meditating daily and taking even better care of my body. I truly became a butterfly,

Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?

Dating after divorce can be scary, but only if you do it before you are ready. Society and many of those who love us tell us to “get back out there,” but in my opinion that is the worst advice to give someone who just went through a divorce and has not truly healed the body, mind and spirit. Dating is magical once you have discovered who you truly are and what you want for the rest of your life — but until you have done the work and know these things dating will only bring the wrong partners to you. You cannot attract the right person into your life until you are secure in who you are NOW — the new version of yourself that is birthed after going through the trauma of divorce. There is no quick way to get there, and dating will only set you back if you have not blossomed into your best self-version.

I am very mindful of whom I date, and I am not afraid to say no to someone who doesn’t feel right to me or could compromise my self-worth, nor to someone who has a lot of red flags. I can see those red flags because I am confident and secure in myself, love myself and know my goals and desires. There are a few qualities that must exist for me to date someone, and the rest I leave to my intuition and trust my heart.

What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?

It’s hard to pick one thing — I feel it is a trifecta of rewiring the mind, body and spirit to align with one’s highest self. But if you twist my arm here, I will have to pick learning to truly love oneself, as that has many sub-parts and opens one to intuition and forgiveness, authenticity, truth and gratitude.

Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?

1. Learn to love yourself! This is the most important thing when entering the healing process. It does not happen overnight, and it takes a lot of work — even if you think you DO love yourself already. After going through the trauma of divorce you need to learn who ME is, separate from the WE of partnership. There are many tools to use to get there, and the first step is commitment to yourself and your happiness. Once I truly knew I loved myself, after much healing and a huge spiritual awakening post-divorce, I started attracting the things into my life that I wanted and needed. I met new people who see me for who I am, my career picked up and I enjoyed it more than I had in many years, my financial situation improved, I manifested and obtained my beautiful home in the exact neighborhood I wanted, and I started writing again — which led to the birth of my book and discovering my life purpose!

2. Forgive yourself and your ex-spouse. Many people go through divorce and build up negative and even hateful feelings toward their ex-spouse. Blaming, anger, hurt, resentment and other negative feelings can lead to mental and physical ailments, as our bodies take the brunt of our suffering. This can lead to unhealthy habits like isolation, overeating, alcohol or drug consumption, and more. Learning to forgive — not only the ex-spouse but also yourself — is so cathartic, and focusing on TODAY and your future goals, instead of your past, will turn your mental and physical health around and free you from the bondage of your suffering. This is a hard lesson to learn, but I did it and only wish my ex well — just because he and I divorced does not mean he does not deserve happiness, as I cherish the beauty we shared for many years.

3. Speak your truth and trust your intuition. Learning to speak your truth will drastically change your life, as will trusting your intuition. Once you have learned to love yourself and listen to your needs and desires, intuition should start to assert itself, but there are many ways to tap into it. When I was going through my divorce and doing deep work, I realized that I had stopped speaking my truth and had not done so for a while within the relationship. It always seemed to lead to confrontations and fighting, and I was so tired of it so I simply kept things to myself. Obviously, that was not the right thing to do, and it created other issues within the broken relationship dynamic. This is why I say every divorce is the fault of both parties (except in very few cases, such as with abuse situations where the victim is controlled and terrified to leave). Part of the healing process is to recognize your own contributions to the breakdown, and oftentimes it will become clear that one did not speak their truth nor listen to intuition.

4. Let go of people, situations and circumstances that hold you back. We are conditioned from childhood to accept certain ideas, beliefs and convictions as truth, such as the idea that marriage is forever and “quitting” is a failure. These come from society, religion, and family. But we need to rewire ourselves to recognize that we do not have to live by these “rules” if they do not make us happy. This applies to people as well — if there are those in your life who bring you down and constantly infuse your life with negativity, it may be time to let them go. In order to heal from divorce and find true happiness one usually needs to do a lot of letting go.

5. Surround yourself with people who truly support the new you and vision of your future. It is so important to have the right people in your life — those who truly love and support you. I let a few people go from my life and allowed new friends to enter who are full of life and love and provide unconditional support, and it feels amazing.

The stress of a divorce can take a toll on both one’s mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?

I think all the steps I mentioned above will help people get through the mental and emotional strains of divorce, especially having a good support network and diving into your soul to find what makes you happy. There are great online resources as well, like divorce support groups (just make sure you don’t join one where all they do is complain and share negative thoughts). Many people also seek professional help, and it is important to find the right person. It also helps to get out in nature, exercise daily, and find fun things to do (art, music, volunteering, taking classes, etc.) to meet new people, which will all help with moods and mindset as well.

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?

I have a lot of transformative books to recommend — here is a short list: Letting Go by David R. Hawkins, Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty, Breath by James Nestor, and Energy Medicine by Donna Eden. There are many more, but this is a great starting place for a healing journey. The first 3 mentions are “bibles” to healing, incredible life guides, and should be on every bookshelf, in my opinion.

Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I would inspire people to do the work I have outlined for healing from divorce and apply it to ALL areas of their lives, so that people can learn to be happier, healthier and trust their hearts. This would enable people to live their true purpose(s) and serve others, which is the reason we are all here. We need to love ourselves so we can love others — we do not need negativity and jealousy and hatred…the world is so beautiful and if more people realized this the possibilities of what we could accomplish as a whole are mind-altering.

We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)

I have to pick Vishen Lakhiani, the founder of Mindvalley. I am so inspired by the incredulous project he has birthed, and it just keeps getting better. The idea of changing the way people are educated is brilliant, and so integral to healing humanity. I am a Mindvalley member and love the quests offered. I would be honored to sit down with Vishen and learn more about his journey and what inspires him. He is a person who has figured out how to live his life by so many of the same principles I utilize in my own life. The idea of helping millions of people through education — body, mind and spirit — is invaluable — just think of the effect on humankind!

Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!

Thank you so much for this opportunity! I am deeply grateful.

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Fotis Georgiadis
Authority Magazine

Passionate about bringing emerging technologies to the market