Raising Resilient Kids: Dr Chase Cummins Of Introspective Solutions On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children

An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund

Empathize, restate, and validate. When your children are going through a difficult experience, it is important to engage in active listening with whole-body attention. This means removing distractions, such as TV and cell phones, to be able to truly listen. When you listen, do your best to learn what emotion(s) your child is feeling and why they are feeling that.

In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Dr. Chase Cummins.

Dr. Chase Cummins has a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology, a B.S. in Cognitive Science with a Specialization in Neuroscience, and a Minor in French Literature. He is also certified as a Master Practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Mental and Emotional Release® (MER®), and Hypnotherapy, which he utilizes in his coaching. Chase has been supporting kids, teens, and parents with various social, emotional, behavioral, and academic-related challenges for 10+ years and specializes in working with parents to enhance family dynamics to create collaborative, harmonious, and fun-filled lifestyles through integrating self-reflection and conflict resolution strategies.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?

I have worked with kids for the majority of my life. Starting in elementary school, I was the go-to friend for any needed academic support. In fact, my parents became so tired of answering the phone and bringing it to me that they added another phone directly to my room. I thoroughly enjoyed helping my peers. Despite the confidence that others had in me, I had my own challenges with self-esteem and self-worth. I was too afraid to share these feelings with friends and family due to thinking that I would burden them with my problems. This led to a lonely journey of struggling in silence, but thankfully, there was hope. I managed to maintain the ability to identify a positive outlook and resilience to persist through my challenges and grow through my obstacles. I didn’t originally plan on working with children and families; rather, it was a career that found me. Given my past experiences and reluctance to seek help as a child, I strive to build children’s support systems to create healthy environments that foster safety, positive growth, and emotional resilience.

Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?

I have already mentioned that I began working with kids in a tutoring capacity, and I maintained this throughout college. Due to my early challenges with self-esteem, I routinely put myself into uncomfortable situations that forced me to grow. Many of these opportunities were through taking on leadership positions. I was a part of a program during my undergraduate career where I mentored first-year college students in developing leadership skills. Upon graduating, I originally planned on taking a year off to study for the medical school admissions test (MCAT), but I also needed a job. My wife, Mitra, asked if I was open to teaching tennis to kids. I was initially uncertain, but she made an argument that it would be helpful for me to have professional experience working with children with neurodevelopmental disorders listed on my resume. I started with teaching groups but found myself favoring working one-on-one with kids because we were able to go much more in-depth. After working with a number of different kids, there were two stories that really inspired me to take a certain path.

I worked with a 17-year-old male with ADHD and depression. I was told that he lacked motivation and needed support with developing executive functioning skills to start succeeding in school. We worked together for about two years, and there was a lot of growth given his ability to demonstrate having learned various new skills, but the issue was that he wouldn’t generalize the skills outside of the session. What was most impacting his academics was not that he had ADHD, but his depression made it feel like he carried extra weight all over his body. One day, he shared, “Chase, I tell you more than I tell my therapist.” Something immediately clicked within me–in order to best support kids, I wanted to obtain a doctorate in understanding mental health disorders to help support the kids I work with.

Over the years, I have made a shift to stressing the importance of working with the child’s parents, often before working with the child. The environment that created the problem needs to change for there to be a solution. This is not to say that parents cause all of their children’s issues, but parents are proven to be the most important agents of change for their children, in addition to their ability to influence positive change in their own lives. Many years ago, my wife and I worked at a company where we were asked to help a five-year-old who greatly struggled with managing his emotions. He was the type of child who would bite, kick, throw objects, and use disrespectful language to everyone around him. His parents were desperate for services. We integrated this child into groups and one-on-one services for about 6-months. He improved, and then the parents paused services when things felt more manageable. About 3 to 6 months later, this child returned with the same behaviors. We provided the same type of treatment, he improved, and then the family paused services. This pattern went on for about five years. This child is one example of many of what can happen when parents are not willing to be engaged in learning new skills and strategies to help their child. I believe that parents are more than capable of learning the skills that have worked so well for us to foster positive change in their homes.

Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?

I have about 15 years of experience working with children and families in a variety of different capacities, including in groups, one-on-one, virtual, in-home, and in schools. I specialize in working with families with neurodivergent kids (kids with ADHD, autism, learning disorders, etc.) and helping parents to consciously and effectively communicate with their children to establish more joy in the household. Helping kids gain resilience can be complex as there are a lot of factors to consider, but most importantly, we want to develop a child’s protective factors, such as the support they receive in the home, support they receive in school, and skills to help children learn to effectively manage their emotions, express their needs, and make helpful decisions. Babies come into this world with a certain temperament out of anybody’s control, but parents have unique opportunities to gain tools and model them for their children in organic situations to help kids learn new skills. I completed my clinical dissertation looking at the impact of parents’ childhood trauma and how that impacts parents’ abilities to implement mindful parenting practices, as well as examine factors that impact parent’s mental health and children’s emotion regulation. Research shows that mindfulness is a tool that improves parent’s mental health, improves children’s abilities to manage their emotions, and reduces negative effects from trauma. Thus, I find that helping children and parents learn to embed mindfulness into the family system allows for intentional action to build emotional strength in children.

Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?

When it comes to working with kids, I tend to think of the quote, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” What change do you want to see for your child? Greater abilities to empathize, manage their emotions, communicate more mindfully, manage their impulses, and establish healthier routines and behaviors? Now, what do you think would happen if you embodied these things fully and completely? Kids who exhibit anger often feel unsafe and misunderstood, so wouldn’t it make sense to pause, listen to them, and empathize with their feelings? Sometimes, kids don’t feel like it is safe to speak openly for fear that they will get in trouble for being honest, so they may lie or say nothing at all. I have worked with an abnormally high number of kids diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (extreme resistance, opposition, anger, and disrespect), and so many times, I have felt triggered and contemplated giving up on a kid. However, every time, I pause and approach the kid again and practice compassion and understanding that there is something happening below the surface that I may not be seeing. Every time, I have seen kids soften because they start to learn the message that they can still be seen as a kids worthy of respect regardless of their behaviors. When kids are upset, sometimes they yell because it gets people to leave them alone, which can be beneficial if they perceive that the person won’t meet their needs. However, when we are patient and sit with them to explore other ways to meet their needs, then kids learn more helpful strategies for expressing themselves.

So often, I have had parents come to me and say, “I want you to work with my child.” When kids are open to services, I think it can be great and highly effective. However, what if the kid doesn’t see that there is a problem? From all of my experience, I can tell you that it would be much more effective (and cost-effective) for you, the parent, to engage in services. This models to your child that you aren’t perfect and that you are open to learning more ways grow. This can often get kids curious and open to the idea of receiving services because it has now been normalized in the family.

Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?

Disappointment can be difficult for all of us. When this happens, encourage your child to talk about what they are feeling. Validate their feeling by saying, “I hear how much this meant to you–you have every right to feel upset.” Depending on your child’s emotional reaction, they may need a moment to let the peak of the emotion dissipate. If they cry, that is okay–let them cry. Sometimes, when our children are upset, we feel pulled to rescue them by trying to make them feel better. Sometimes, this can feel invalidating because it may communicate to your child, “Oh, my parent isn’t comfortable with my difficult emotion; I shouldn’t talk to them about these things.” Instead, tell your child, “I am here to help.” Sometimes, kids just want someone to listen, and then they feel better, or sometimes, they want help solving the problem. If you immediately jump to problem-solving when your child doesn’t want that, it may make them feel worse. Once your child is calm, ask them a series of questions, “What went well? What would you like to improve the next time?” Often, I will use moments like these to self-disclose to kids a time when I failed and how difficult it was, and then I model how I gathered feedback from the experience to improve the next time. Sharing our own failures shows vulnerability and helps kids see that we are not perfect, which has a great result in having a stronger relationship and a child who is feeling more positive.

What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?

Modeling skills that you want your children to do is one of the most effective strategies for teaching your child. Starting at an early age, children are programmed through social learning theory to start imitating the things that you do. A few years ago, I had an opportunity to coach a mother through a stress-inducing experience with her 4-year-old child with autism spectrum disorder. She found herself starting to get frustrated and about to yell to try to correct his behaviors, but I prompted her to pause, sit on the ground, and start taking slow, deep breaths. The child paused, looked at his mom, walked over to her, and sat in her lap. The mom took a few more breaths, and her child melted into her. It was amazing to see that the mom was modeling a strategy for how to calm down, and then her child immediately reciprocated and equally calmed down. She followed up by praising her child for allowing her to take deep breaths to calm down, which served as an explicit teaching opportunity that deep breathing can be used to regulate our emotions.

Something I mentioned previously is that it is helpful when parents share their past or current “failures.” I use quotes because I believe that “there is no failure, only feedback.” We can model to our kids that we can feel disappointed but also how to shift our thinking to more positive and helpful thoughts. For example, perhaps you applied for a new job and didn’t get it; you may say something like, “I didn’t get this job, but perhaps there’s a better job for me,” or, “I didn’t get this job, but I think I’ll get the next one.” On a personal note, I also believe that “everything happens for a purpose,” so if something doesn’t work out, then there is a reason why. The reason may not be understood immediately, but with reflection we can understand that failures and successes leads us to our next action and so forth.

What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?

In addition to modeling during times when we may be feeling discouraged, we can help children learn to expand their thoughts to have more positivity and possibility. If a child were to say, “I can’t do this; it’s too hard!” You can say, “You’re right, this is really hard. You just haven’t learned to do it yet, but you will with practice.”

There was this one time I was working with a child with severe depression, and he seemed hopeless about the possibility of ever feeling better. I tried validating his feelings and expanding his thinking by suggesting more helpful thoughts, but it didn’t seem to be helping. I had a creative thought to use an analogy of the TV show, The Flash, which was his favorite show at the time. In the show, they talk about the multiverse, meaning that there is an infinite number of possible realities where essentially anything is possible. I asked him, “Do you think that there is a version of you in the multiverse that was depressed but isn’t anymore?” To which he paused, eyes widened, and said, “Yes.” I then used logic by saying, “So if it exists in the multiverse, doesn’t that mean it is possible in this universe?” He said yes, and with that traction, we were able to make some positive strides together. I mention this story because you know your children best. Sometimes, it is a matter of tapping into their interests and making something relevant to them. Other great examples are using metaphors of superheroes or someone your child looks up to and discussing how these individuals find ways to persist. Having open communication is a great strategy for fostering a growth mindset.

How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?

There is not one catch-all answer, as every child is different and has unique needs. Instead, I think this is a question that is best answered by encouraging you, as the parent, to go introspective and ask yourself, “How do I typically respond to my child’s emotional difficulties?” I ask that because some parents get so distressed by their child’s difficult emotions and then back away, not knowing how to help. I have also worked with parents who cared for their children so much that they stepped in early before the child could make a mistake. What happens in each of these cases? When children’s parents don’t talk to their child about how something was difficult or emotionally painful for them, they tend to assume that their parent feels burdened by their feelings, so they put forth a false sense of confidence like everything is fine, whereas they may be struggling on the inside. Meanwhile, parents who jump in too quickly are robbing their children of learning from their mistakes, as well as preventing their children from possibly succeeding on their own, which can lead to children feeling resentful towards their parents. Treat every situation as a unique event and assess what your child needs. You can approach them and say that you notice that they look like they are upset. If they say yes, you can ask if they would like to talk about it. If they do not, I recommend that you respect their wish but let them know that you are there for them if they would like to talk. As an alternative, if your child doesn’t want to talk but feels sad, you can ask them if they would be comfortable with you spending time in the room with them but that you won’t force them to talk. Sometimes, being in a room with someone we love and who loves us is enough to communicate the message that “I love you, and I’m here for you.”

What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?

First things first, as a parent, you need to ensure you meet your base-level needs. This means that you are eating nutritious foods, drinking water, and sleeping enough. Other important factors that will support your mental health are exercising for about 20 minutes a day for 3 to 5 days a week, as well as finding time to socialize. Humans are social beings, and it is healthy to spend time with friends or other adults where you can discuss your feelings and have fun with one another. Another must-do for ensuring parental resilience is having a toolbox of emotion-regulation tools such as deep breathing, body scans, and meditation. Should you have a spouse or co-parent, it will make your job much easier and more pleasant for your child if you both are on the same page regarding how to parent your child. Children can pick up on cracks when parents are not on the same page, which can create more stress on the parents. Children also feel more safe and secure when their parents present as a united front.

Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?

1. Empathize, restate, and validate. When your children are going through a difficult experience, it is important to engage in active listening with whole-body attention. This means removing distractions, such as TV and cell phones, to be able to truly listen. When you listen, do your best to learn what emotion(s) your child is feeling and why they are feeling that. Restating means that you are summarizing the main points that you hear your child say. Validation refers to telling your child that their emotion makes sense and that they have a right to feel the way they are feeling. When you do these steps, your child will feel heard and understood, which helps them feel calmer, and having a support system helps manage distress. These are standard de-escalation strategies that I have used with kids and their parents and consistently have shown to be helpful. Eventually, kids learn to internalize these steps and start to validate and normalize their own experiences.

2. Modeling. As mentioned previously, when parents demonstrate behaviors they want to see in their children, it makes children more likely to engage in the behavior. Something I have coached parents to do is when their child is having a largely emotional experience, rather than telling the child to go to their room to calm down, the parent would say, “I’m going to walk to another room to calm down.” This reduces the likelihood of a power struggle while also giving the child time to calm down. Then, once calm, the child can engage in speaking. When parents do this, it shows the child that “when I’m upset, I can go to another room to calm down.”

3. Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness involves an awareness of the present moment, being non-reactive, and non-judgemental. The most important piece that I want to highlight is the importance of being non-reactive and non-judgemental. When our children are having a difficult emotional experience, we want to carefully manage our emotional response to keep the interaction somewhat neutral while still showing concern and that we care. However, what we wouldn’t want to happen is to burst out in tears and make the situation all about us–that will not help your child. We also want to respond with empathetic understanding, not in a way that will cause your child to feel guilt or shame. Parents play such an important role in helping children because children tend to internalize their parent’s voice. When parents are understanding, supportive, and validating of their child’s emotional experiences, it teaches them to do the same for themself.

4. Specific labeled praises. Parents play an important role in helping develop a child’s sense of self-esteem. Kids, especially those who are neurodivergent, are often corrected or scolded more than they are praised. This has two major negative side effects. Scoulding lowers self-esteem and fails to highlight your child’s strengths. Positive reinforcement is shown to be the most effective way of influencing positive behaviors. Thus, when you see your child engaging in a behavior that you want to see more of, tell them they are doing a great job with that specific behavior. Here’s an example for you, “Reader, you are doing an amazing job paying attention to these answers.” Specific labeled praises help you feel more positive while also telling you that I like it when you pay attention, which makes you more likely to continue paying attention. Think about how much you critique or correct your child. Each critique is generally categorized as a negative experience. We need about ten positive experiences (such as positive praises) to combat one negative.

5. Celebrate the wins. Sometimes, when we accomplish something, such as completing a homework assignment after fighting to do it, it can be easy to get a quick “good job, you did it” and then move on. Resilience builds when we reflect on a challenging experience, identify our feelings before and during the experience, discuss the strategy for how we persisted, and identify the positive feeling from successfully completing the task. Thus, a child may mention that she was angry or annoyed before starting homework, felt bored and confused when working on it, and was able to complete it after taking a few breaks. Then, after the fact, they may feel proud and more likely to do homework again when they realize that the act of doing homework likely wasn’t as difficult as they imagined the experience to be like.

How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?

Mindfulness and emotion regulation provide us with tools to remain calm when working on a task. This helps to better direct our focus to work versus spending extra mental energy on unrelated tasks. Resilience also incorporates being able to tolerate distress until we are able to accomplish a task. In order for mindfulness and emotion regulation tools to be effective in calming someone down to be able to persist through distressing experiences, these tools must be practiced first in a calm setting. Much like how professional sports players must practice drills during a practice where the stakes are low. Then, with practice, you are able to run the drills during the big game. We cannot expect emotion regulation tools to work immediately if we only use them for the first time when we are upset. Our body and nervous system need to be trained to calm down with specific tools; then, when we use a tool, such as deep breathing, it is like getting on a bike and successfully settles the body. I recommend having a time when you and your children can practice intentional deep breathing together. This can be built into a strategy where your children start by taking five deep breaths before starting their homework or any other activity that may be challenging for them.

Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?

Being the best parent you can be is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. The book Reflective Parenting by Sheila Redfern is a digestible read that helps parents respond to their children’s behavior while also developing more positive relationships with them. Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves is a great book that provides you with more strategies for managing emotions that you can use for yourself and your children. Michelle Garcia Winner’s Social Thinking curriculum is a helpful resource you can provide to your children to help develop their social-emotional learning. Depending on the age of your children, there are a variety of other options for programs you can explore, such as parent-child interaction therapy, psychotherapy, family therapy, couples counseling, and parent coaching. Parent support groups can also be a helpful way to connect with and learn from other parents who are experiencing similar challenges.

Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)

I have used Michelle Garcia Winner’s Social Thinking curriculum for a number of years. I would love to pick her brain and likely recruit her support for a larger mission of getting social-emotional learning in more schools. If all schools and parents used similar tools in each environment to help children learn to manage their emotions and tolerate distress, they would be set up for greater levels of success to thrive in the world after school. This would also help reduce diagnoses of mental health and substance use disorders. My hope is to bring more confidence, joy, and fulfillment into the lives of all children and their families through positive parenting practices and providing children with resources to develop their emotional intelligence.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

Readers can go to our website and sign up for our emailing list (go to: myintrospectivesolution.com). We send out emails with tips and tricks every 1–4 weeks. We are also consistently hosting free webinars and workshops, and we would love to have you there! When you subscribe to our emailing list, you will be sent a free 6-Step Guide to Communicating With Your Neurodivergent Kids. You can also keep up with us on FaceBook (https://www.facebook.com/myintrospectivesolution) and Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/myintrospectivesolution?igsh=MTM3cHJlNGZvYTVoMg%3D%3D&utm_source=qr).

This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!

About the Interviewer: Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, podcast host, best-selling author and Tedx Speaker. The power of resilience in extraordinary circumstances kept her thriving as a child. Dr. Lund now helps entrepreneurs, executives, parents, and athletes to see the possibility on the other side of struggle and move towards potential. Her goal is to help each person she works with to overcome their unique challenges and thrive within their own unique context.