Raising Resilient Kids: Family Therapist & Author Siobhan Chirico On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children
An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund
Believing that we control our brains and how we learn is a superpower! Understanding a growth mindset opens doors to learning. Suddenly, anything and everything is possible. When kids know that failing along the way is perfectly fine and expected, their insecurities melt away. Teach kids the science, model your growth mindset and provide effective feedback, and you will be well on your way to building resilient humans!
In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Siobhan Chirico.
Canadian-based Siobhan Chirico is a registered psychotherapist and educator specializing in helping children and families. She is well known for her passion for reframing how people understand children’s emotional health and well-being. She recently added author to her list of accomplishments with the release of her impactful new book.
The book Climbing Crisis Mountain — A Guided Picture Book for Managing Meltdowns and Challenging Behaviour deserves a place on the shelf of everyone who works with, cares for or loves a child. This guided picture book is for parents, caregivers, and educators. Its goal is to offer specific things to THINK, DO, and SAY to create and maintain a peaceful space — even when the tablet hits the fan. This book also allows adults to have feelings, make mistakes and try again and again. It’s easy to read and follow and can be a resource whenever you encounter a crisis.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?
I’m a mom, wife, daughter, sister, therapist, teacher, writer and lifelong learner! After becoming a parent, I began to read and learn about how to raise kids- there is so much information that it’s overwhelming. My kids are teenagers now, and I have learned the most through growing up with them. We all struggle as parents to “get it right” for our kids. I think the truth is there is no “right.” There is only our best every day. There are challenges for every family. The old saying “bigger kids, bigger problems” is so true. I am grateful to be able to keep learning, growing and doing my best.
Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
My interest in parenting and family mental health developed through being a parent and a teacher. As a special education teacher at a large Canadian School Board, I supported dozens of kids and families with complex behavioural and academic needs. I was a leader in special education, supporting the most vulnerable students and their families. This work led me to learn more about complex behaviour in kids and how to help. I was fortunate to learn about kids and challenging behaviour at THINK: Kids at Massachusetts General Hospital, Department of Psychiatry, for five years while working as a teacher. That experience led me to leave my role at the school board to pursue a Master’s degree in psychotherapy so I could work full-time in the mental health field, helping families manage behaviour challenges and reframe emotional health.
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?
I can share that I became an authority by accident! My natural curiosity often leads me to pursue information beyond my original intention. I loved my work as a special education teacher, and I wanted to learn more — this led me to psychotherapy. After completing my Master’s degree, I opened a clinical practice. I also wanted to continue to be involved in education, so I applied to teach at The Faculty of Education at Laurier University in Ontario. There is a natural intersection between education and psychology, and I love preparing future teachers with strategies to promote mental well-being in their students. This work keeps me learning about the latest best practices and research in behavioural sciences and neuroscience. My private practice clients keep me curious every day and prompt me to continue to learn about how family systems work, what best practices for parenting are, and what does and does not work. My clients are age six and up — and kids are the most honest critics one could ever have. My unique contribution to parenting and children’s mental health is the winding road that led me to learn about psychology and have the skills to teach these complex topics effectively.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
My favourite quote is, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better” by Maya Angelou. This idea is accurate for me every day because I believe that we can each learn something daily, and it makes us just a little bit better. I also firmly believe in being compassionate with the past versions of ourselves who didn’t know something yet and maybe made mistakes or poor choices. That person was doing their best, too. We need to hold space for that version of ourselves, cultivate gratitude for our lessons, and move forward knowing we can only do our best each day.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?
The first step is preparing kids to understand disappointment and how it feels. Many kids (and grown-ups) describe their feelings as one of happy, sad, or mad. That is often the extent of our language around feelings, and language matters. Much of the research tells us that accurately naming a feeling immediately helps us understand and process that feeling. If a child feels disappointed but labels it as “mad” in their thoughts and self-talk, the behaviour will correlate to “mad” instead of disappointed. As parents, we can spend time teaching kids to label their emotions in a few ways:
Modeling: Parents can explicitly label their feelings verbally in front of their children. It might sound like: “Oh, I was hoping to see my friend tonight, but she can’t make it; geez, I feel disappointed that I won’t see her.”
Reflecting: Parents can help teach their children how to reflect. It might sound like: “Hey, remember yesterday when your soccer team lost the game? What did that feel like for you?” Give some wait time. If answering seems hard for your child, you can help by making guesses. It might sound like: “It must have been hard. Do you think you felt disappointed? Maybe frustrated?” Then, use the moment to help your child think of another example situation where they felt disappointed. How did they get through it? What coping strategies were helpful?
Model failure as a growth opportunity: Kids need to be allowed to fail. It is the only way to build coping skills. Your kids need to witness you fail at things, feel disappointed, and learn and grow from failure. Find small, age-appropriate examples to introduce the idea of failure. If you don’t spend some time building skills around small failures for kids, big failures will feel completely overwhelming later in life.
What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?
The course that I love to teach at the Faculty of Education is all about socio-cognitive learning, which is an academic way to say modeling! I think about the impact of parental modeling often, and I can tell you — it is powerful! Emotional strength means understanding that emotions are normal, a good source of information and temporary. When someone comes to understand these three critical pieces of information about emotions, they are en route to building various skills, including self-regulation, compassion, and resilience. In my work, I talk a lot about learning through observing others in real-life situations. Kids learn almost exclusively by watching the trusted adults in their lives! (This means we must be cautious about everything they see and hear!)
A great example from my own life is about my 14-year-old son. He plays hockey and was finding himself running out of stamina during games. By the third period, his skating skills were much weaker, and he needed more breaks. I talked with him about doing some cardio off the ice. I showed him articles about the benefits of running for building strength and stamina. I got him a Fitbit so he could learn about heart health. But he was not buying any of it. So I stopped talking and started running. It was May. He watched me go out a few times a week. I didn’t ask him to come. I inserted comments at the dinner table or in casual conversation about how the running seems to be helping me in other areas of my life. How I felt stronger, and noticed I was able to run a little farther or faster each week. In August, he started running. When hockey began in September, he was noticeably more fit, and his skating looked stronger. He kept running, joined the cross-country team at school and kept seeing gains in his hockey. He told his Granda quietly, “Hey, mom was right about the running thing. It has helped a lot, but don’t tell her I told you.” Powerful stuff.
What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenges as opportunities to learn?
I love this question because I believe deeply in the power of a growth mindset. The most critical piece to understand is that we are discussing mindset — what you believe in your mind and heart. It is not about behaviours or thoughts — those come next. Having a growth mindset means that you believe your brain can grow — physically grow, which it can! The human brain is capable of growing in several different ways. We can develop new neural pathways and make current pathways stronger and faster through repetition and practice. If you believe your brain can grow and evolve, you can understand that failure is temporary and necessary to learn something new or try something hard.
A great way to foster a growth mindset in children is to explain this neuroscience. Teach them that their brain can grow and learn and that they create new neural pathways when they try new things like playing the guitar or solving math questions. No one is simply born good at something- we can become proficient at things by training our brains. It’s such fantastic news to have this control of our brains! Adults can help by using language carefully. For example, be cautious about saying, “I’m no good at math, never have been.” This kind of all-or-nothing statement flies in the face of a growth mindset and encourages the belief that we’re either good at something or not. Instead, try, “Some parts of this math are tricky. I know if I practice, I’ll get better….I need more math problems to train my brain!”.
When parents model trying something, failing, and then building proficiency, it teaches kids about a growth mindset. Be explicit with your kids, for example, “I’m going to try sudoku puzzles. I’m not very good right now, but I’m going to challenge my brain to complete one puzzle every day and see if I get better!”. Then follow up. Show them how you progress from easy levels to more difficult puzzles.
The last approach I will mention is giving effective feedback. To develop a growth mindset, avoid praising an outcome and focus on noticing and complimenting the process. For example, avoid saying, “I’m so proud of you for winning your soccer game,” and try, “I’ve noticed how much time you have spent practicing your dribbling skills. It’s really paying off on the soccer field. Great game today.”
How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?
This is a highly relevant question in today’s culture. I often remind parents that kids NEED to experience difficulties to build skills and resilience over time. Our job as parents is not to remove obstacles in our child’s way. Although it is difficult to watch our kids go through a challenging experience, feel disappointed, lose or struggle in a friendship, it is the human experience. If we don’t allow kids the chance to feel unhappy, frustrated, sad or uncertain, they will not learn how to cope with these feelings- which are a part of life. It is impossible to follow our kids through life, clearing problems and making life comfortable, so the best we can do is to help them learn about feelings, ask for help when they need it, and hug them when things fall apart a little. The best guidance I can offer is to work on building and maintaining a trusting relationship with your child. Let them know that you love them without conditions and will support them in good times and bad. When the tough times happen, instead of jumping in to solve the problem FOR them, ask them how you can be helpful. Ask them what they’re feeling and help them name the emotion. Ask them what ideas they have for the next steps. Help them to practice emotional regulation and problem-solving. Fixing a problem for our kids makes us feel better, but ultimately, it sets kids up to be dependent and lack confidence.
What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?
The best self-care for parents is maintaining their health and relationships. Health seems obvious, but parents often prioritize everyone else’s needs above their own. Exercise, nutrition, and regular medical check-ups will help ensure your kids have a parent they can count on now and in the future. I use positive and loving self-talk to stay motivated, and it works. When I’m unsure I can afford the time and effort, I keep a little painting from my son next to the treadmill. It says, “I love you, Mom.” On the days that it’s hard to love myself, I remember I am taking care of someone’s mom, and that’s pretty important.
Relationships are another big self-care item that parents need to remember to prioritize. We spend time ensuring the kids have clubs and playdates and then wake up one day and realize that we haven’t had a date in years! Healthy, well-functioning humans need relationships, and kids need parents who are healthy and well-functioning. It really does take a village to raise kids, and parents need to put in the time to keep their village (spouse, friends, siblings) close, cared for and ready to help when the time comes (and it will).
Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?
1. Teach kids that feelings, all feelings are temporary:
This is one of the most powerful things kids learn about themselves. Children often struggle with the concept of time and find it hard to imagine that a hard feeling will ever end. In my clinical work, kids learn to name feelings, notice the feelings in real-life situations and then reflect on how the feelings came and went. The good feelings, the hard feelings…all of them will come and go. One of my young clients describes it like waves in the ocean. Sometimes, she says, her feelings waves are small and sometimes big, but no matter what, they are always moving. This visual cue is helpful for kids (and adults) when times get tough. They can close their eyes, breathe and picture the waves- filling them with confidence that they will be okay.
2. Encourage Growth Mindset
Believing that we control our brains and how we learn is a superpower! Understanding a growth mindset opens doors to learning. Suddenly, anything and everything is possible. When kids know that failing along the way is perfectly fine and expected, their insecurities melt away. Teach kids the science, model your growth mindset and provide effective feedback, and you will be well on your way to building resilient humans!
3. Separate behaviour from the child.
None of us are perfect. We all do things that we are not proud of sometimes. Kids learn to behave and manage emotions daily, and some days, things go badly. When things get tough with our kids, we often get stuck thinking about what is “wrong” with them. “Why are they acting that way?” It’s also normal to take your child’s challenging behaviour personally. “Does she hate me? Why would he do that to me?”
What you believe about your child’s behaviour is crucial because it determines how you respond. If you think they are simply “acting out” or “misbehaving,” you may react with approaches that will escalate the maladaptive behaviour.
If you can shift your thinking to, “What is hard for them right now?” and believe that challenging behaviour is about your child being unable to do something, not how much they care about you, you will both move out of crisis mode faster. A child’s tough behaviour has everything to do with their skill set, ability to follow instructions, and coping in that moment, not how much they love and care for you. If you believe your child wants to do well, have a good day, and be calm but is having a hard time with something, you can approach a crisis with compassion and objectiveness. Love the child, manage the behaviour.
4. Language matters- especially self-talk
Not everyone engages in self-talk. If you do, it is always the loudest voice in the room. Check in with your child to see if they have a “voice in their head.” What is it saying? You may be surprised to hear the results. You can teach your child to be gentle with themselves through their self-talk. This goes hand in hand with a growth mindset. This approach is often helpful for adults, too! Here are a few examples of self-talk:
Helpful Talk
Not Helpful
I deserve to try this challenging math problem. I can ask for help and try again if I don’t get it.
I’m terrible at math. What’s the point? I know I’m going to fail.
This feels hard, but I’ve done hard things before!
Everyone probably thinks I’m a loser. This is too hard for me.
This feeling is temporary, I’ll be okay.
This feeling is so awful I can’t cope with it.
5. Teach these strategies through explicit and purposeful modeling and reflecting.
Earlier, I shared a great story about the power of modeling with my son. The thing about modeling is that we do it all the time — whether we intend to or not. I learned a much harder lesson about socio-cognitive learning from an experience with my older son. He has loved cars since he was a toddler. He couldn’t wait to be able to drive. When he turned 16, he earned his beginner’s licence and wanted to practice driving all the time. About three weeks after he was allowed to drive alone, he got into a car accident. Thankfully, he walked away without any harm. The car was totalled. Upon reflection, my husband and I realized we had inadvertently encouraged speeding for many years. We both tended to be a bit heavy-footed on the gas, and perhaps many children would not have taken note, but our son did because he had noticed everything about cars and driving. He was speeding when he crashed the car, and we taught him how to do it. It was a tremendously humbling experience. It has taught us so much about socio-cognitive learning. Observation is far stronger than instruction, and children are always watching. The good news is that we can take this information, learn from it, and improve. We are both cautious drivers now, putting our money where our mouth is every day. As parents, we can use modeling to help our children grow into resilient, independent adults. When we are purposeful, self-aware, and explicit in our actions, our children will notice and follow along.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
Mindfulness is all about staying in the present moment. I often encourage parents to check in with how “in the moment” they are and how frequently they are distracted. This is another excellent example of the power of modeling. If you bring yourself into present moments with your kids, they can learn to do the same. So, put the phone down and just be in the moment.
When your child is content, it is the perfect time to talk about emotional regulation strategies they can use when encountering a tough situation or a big feeling. You can help your child anticipate and prepare for a crisis. Practising strategies when your child is calm will help them use those strategies when they need them most. It also validates their big feelings and empowers them to know that they can navigate a crisis and that you will help them. You might say: “Sometimes, things feel frustrating, disappointing, or overwhelming. When that happens, it helps to express big feelings. Let’s practise what we can do when things feel hard.” or “Sometimes we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, mad, or sad. It’s a good idea to plan for those times. Let’s think it through and share some ideas.”
Then talk about what might work and try it together!
Punching a pillow, ripping paper, moving to a designated quiet space, colouring, deep breathing, listening to music, or going outside might be ideas for expressing a big feeling.
Whatever you decide together, prepare for the next time you need to use the strategy. Gather materials and place them in an easy-to-access spot. Prepare language that works for you both, such as, “It looks like you might be feeling frustrated — can you try some colouring?” or say nothing and simply start punching the pillow or ripping the paper, and they will follow your lead.
Model the strategies for your child by doing them yourself. For example, you might say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now. I’m going to take a walk, do a breathing exercise, or colour.”
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
I should start by recommending my new book, Climbing Crisis Mountain: A Guided Picture Book for Managing Meltdowns and Challenging Behaviour. It explores many aspects of parenting and is filled with strategies that can be used immediately. https://www.amazon.com/Climbing-Crisis-Mountain-Challenging-Behaviour/dp/1038319412
Dr. Carol Dweck is the researcher behind Growth Mindset. Her work is amazing, and I recommend reading her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. https://www.amazon.ca/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
The podcast The Happiness Lab will lift your spirits and always teach you something inspirational! It’s not about parenting but about resilience for all of us. https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos
Collaborative Problem Solving through THINK: Kids is fantastic. As a trained facilitator, I can attest to the impact this course can have on families. https://thinkkids.org/cps-overview/
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)
Yes! I’d love to have lunch with Dr. Laurie Santos from The Happiness Lab! I love her work, course, podcast and, most importantly, teaching style. She explains complicated neuroscience with humility and personal anecdotes. Her work is uplifting, intelligent and entertaining. For me, her style is aspirational. I hope to provide psychoeducation for parents in an accessible and whimsical way, and Dr. Santos is a source of constant inspiration and strength. I just love her work!! She also seems like she’d be really fun to hang out with.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
https://www.climbingcrisismountain.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/siobhan-chirico-2a472050/
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
About the Interviewer: Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, podcast host, best-selling author and Tedx Speaker. The power of resilience in extraordinary circumstances kept her thriving as a child. Dr. Lund now helps entrepreneurs, executives, parents, and athletes to see the possibility on the other side of struggle and move towards potential. Her goal is to help each person she works with to overcome their unique challenges and thrive within their own unique context.
