Raising Resilient Kids: Mary Pat Cleary Of The Harley School On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children
An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund
Share a story of one of your mistakes with your child. By modeling how you dealt with a mistake, you are a role model for overcoming adversity! Sal Severe, author and school psychologist, has written several books on this topic. If you need more guidance, check out “How To Behave So Your Children Will Too”.
In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Mary Pat Cleary of The Harley School in Rochester, NY.
Mary Pat Cleary is a school psychologist at The Harley School with over thirty years of experience working in public and private education across all age ranges. Her training includes conducting cognitive, social, and emotional assessments, enabling a multidisciplinary approach to supporting students in reaching their full potential. Mary Pat values a team approach, collaborating with teachers, administrators, and caregivers to best serve students’ needs.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
“I was a classic underachieving student who struggled with learning until midway through college. I always wanted to be a psychologist but pursued a degree in business since I liked math and problem-solving. I never saw myself as someone who could pursue a graduate degree, a common prerequisite for a career in psychology.
Five years into my business career, I developed the confidence to pursue my dream career by completing a graduate degree in school psychology. Around this time, my mother shared with me a comment unbeknownst to me, made by my kindergarten teacher that I would be lucky to graduate from high school. Later on, it seemed no accident that I would go on to a career in which I helped children succeed or who experienced similar unfortunate misperceptions by educational professionals.”
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?
As a school psychologist with over thirty years of experience working with children, I’ve had the opportunity to observe firsthand how resilience develops and how parents can foster it. This experience, combined with my ongoing research and study of the topic, has given me a unique perspective on the subject. I believe my ability to share practical strategies and insights based on real-world observations sets me apart as an authority on raising resilient kids. In essence, my unique contribution is time because I have had the opportunity to gain a deep understanding of the factors that contribute to resilience.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
One of my favorite life lessons quotes is, ‘Whether you think you can or can’t, you are right.’ This quote by Henry Ford resonates with me both personally and professionally.
It reminds me of the power of self-belief and its impact on our actions and outcomes. In my work as a school psychologist, I often see how students’ beliefs about themselves can influence their performance and their willingness to take on challenges. By encouraging students to believe in their abilities and potential, we can help them overcome obstacles and achieve their goals.
This quote has also been personally meaningful to me. When faced with difficult situations, I’ve found that maintaining a positive mindset and believing in myself has been crucial to overcoming challenges and achieving my goals.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. Parents handle situations when their children face failure or disappointment in various ways. How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?
Some parents avoid discussing failure or disappointment, possibly due to their own discomfort with unpleasant feelings or painful childhood memories. They may hold their breath and hope for the best.
Other parents support their child by trying to fix the situation, perhaps by intervening to correct the failure or prevent future disappointment. While well-intentioned, this approach can inadvertently communicate to the child that they are incapable of completing tasks without adult assistance. This can hinder the child’s development of independence and self-confidence, and may lead to the child hiding failures to avoid disappointment. In essence, the child may learn that failure is unacceptable.
As a first step, parents can help their child bounce back by acknowledging their child’s effort and pointing out that taking risks can lead to failure. It’s important to discuss the feelings associated with the child’s failure, such as disappointment or discouragement. These conversations can lead to a discussion or plan for how the child might approach the task differently next time.
Parents should be mindful of timing when talking with their child. Some children may prefer alone time before having a conversation; let the child take the lead, even if it means offering a gentle reminder.
Another strategy is self-talk or positive affirmations. Encourage your child to write down or think of a phrase that offers encouragement and support when facing a risk. It can be particularly helpful if the child includes their own name in the affirmation.
What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?
Parent modeling is extremely valuable when it comes to promoting resilience and other healthy habits we want to pass on to our children. Ask any child about technology use at home, and they will share a detailed account of their parents’ habits — as children are always looking to us for examples. Resilience is no different. Children who see their parents make mistakes, acknowledge their mistakes, and respond with tolerance are inclined to do the same. A sense of tolerance means the parent demonstrates self-control while expressing the emotions associated with their mistake or regret. The parent avoids blaming others for the outcome, which helps empower their child with a sense of internal control instead of becoming a victim of unfortunate circumstances. When the parent shares their feelings, the child will see this experience as something acceptable, not something to be ashamed of or avoided.
Parents can also use examples of public figures who have overcome adversity and the challenges they faced. The 2024 Summer Olympics showcased many role models who experienced failure but tried again and again. Many of these athletes shared their mindful practices, such as meditation and affirmations, to help them overcome disappointment. Musicians, athletes, scientists, writers, and other famous individuals offer a wide range of examples for our children to learn from as they strive to overcome failure.
Lastly, role models exist in literature, television shows, movies, and even social media. We all grew up with characters who set an example for a quality we valued and wanted to emulate. For me, it was Mary Tyler Moore and Maria von Trapp; today’s youth have examples such as the characters Greg Heffley from “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” or Rey from the “Star Wars” sequel trilogy.
What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?
One approach is to focus on process over product. Oftentimes the product is highlighted and this is often the case in social media where we do not see the effort and mistakes that may have come before the post. In other words, making the journey just as much a priority as the destination.
Another approach is to recall events from the child’s past in which they faced a challenge, persisted and eventually succeeded. It is helpful to point out the achievement while also considering the lesson of effort and persistence, as well as the pleasant emotions associated with the eventual achievement.
As children mature, parents will have the option to dig deeper by reflecting with your child and asking them to think about the coping tools used to persist. Perhaps it was tackling a portion of a tough assignment a little bit each day, or rewarding themselves with an activity following the challenges of persisting through a tough experience.
How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?
One approach is to focus on process over product. Often, the product is highlighted, especially in social media where we don’t see the effort and mistakes that may have preceded the post. In other words, make the journey just as much a priority as the destination.
Another approach is to recall past events in which the child faced a challenge, persisted, and eventually succeeded. It’s helpful to point out the achievement while also considering the lessons learned from effort, persistence, and the positive emotions associated with the eventual success.
As children mature, parents can delve deeper by reflecting with their child and asking them to think about the coping tools they used to persist. Perhaps it was tackling a tough assignment a little bit each day or rewarding themselves with an activity after overcoming a challenging experience.
Parents can build tolerance for imperfection as their child becomes more proficient with practice. I’m reminded of trying to get my daughter dressed in her winter gear around three or four years old. It was a challenge to get out the door on time for school. Sometimes, she could dress herself, while other times I offered help to speed up the process. On those days, I often found myself wondering if life would have been easier if we lived in California.
What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?
My first recommendation is to remind parents to breathe — take a deep breath — in other words, don’t forget the adage “to put on your oxygen mask first!” This will help them pause so they can respond instead of reacting, which is when we’re often too wound up to be helpful and objective.
Secondly, parents can benefit from appreciating the challenges of parenting, acknowledging that it’s one of the most trying experiences of our lives, and there’s no such thing as the perfect parent. Be kind to yourself!
Humor is a tool that, when we laugh, releases a chemical to help us feel better. Is there a way to reflect upon a recent parenting experience with humor? Perhaps there’s a show or movie that makes you laugh out loud. Have you ever seen “Parenthood” with Steve Martin? This movie will make you laugh out loud and realize the absurdity of the universal parenting challenges we all face.
Be proactive and make time for yourself, whether it’s going for a car ride alone and listening to your favorite playlist, reading at a coffee shop, or getting exercise. The goal is to carve out time for something that gives you joy before you’re depleted.
Find partner(s) in crime; talk with other caregivers who can validate the struggles you experience while acknowledging the excellent job you’re doing. Speaking with other caregivers can remind us that mistakes are bound to happen, this is tough work, and to focus on progress instead of a product. A journal can also be used as a tool to unload unpleasant emotions.
Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?
1. Live by Example
Share a story of one of your mistakes with your child. By modeling how you dealt with a mistake, you are a role model for overcoming adversity! Sal Severe, author and school psychologist, has written several books on this topic. If you need more guidance, check out “How To Behave So Your Children Will Too”.
2. Remind Children of Past Successes
Remind your child of previous experiences when they did not succeed the first time — and had to practice over and over again before achieving their goal. Learning to ride a two-wheeler is my “go to” example I use with students when they are taking on a new, challenging task.
3. Use Literature to Teach Emotional Literacy
Using literature with children is a terrific way to illustrate examples of life’s ups and downs. One of my favorite books to use is “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day” by Judith Viorst. In this story, the protagonist thinks all his problems will go away if he moves to Australia. It is a great tool to help children expand their emotional literacy beyond sadness and anger so they can start expressing emotions such as disappointment, feeling left out, frustrated, or discouraged.
“The Little Engine that Could” is timeless as well. Students I work with in Grades 2 and 3 love the example this book offers about setting positive affirmations when taking on new challenges, and the importance of believing in oneself.
4. Promote a Growth Mindset:
A powerful strategy for fostering resilience and academic success is to cultivate a growth mindset in our students. Carol Dweck’s TED Talk underscores the pitfalls of praising intelligence, which can lead to a fixed mindset and make children vulnerable to setbacks. Instead, we should focus on praising effort, persistence, and the strategies students use to overcome challenges. By fostering a growth mindset, we can empower our students to believe in their ability to learn and improve, regardless of initial difficulties.
5. Nurture Resilience:
Wendy Mogel’s The Blessing of a Skinned Knee provides valuable insights for parents seeking to raise resilient children. Her guidance on navigating modern challenges and fostering resilience can be applied to our educational environment to help students develop the skills they need to thrive.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
Mindfulness and emotional regulation practices can be integrated into daily routines to prevent both caregivers and children from becoming emotionally overwhelmed, allowing for more effective coping with life’s challenges.
Breath work is a fundamental practice for calming oneself and can be used throughout the day. Guided meditation, where the child visualizes themselves overcoming obstacles, can help them develop the fortitude and encouragement needed to persevere through challenges.
A journal can be used as a safe outlet for children to unload their emotions of disappointment and discouragement. By expressing these feelings, children can feel less overwhelmed and experience a renewed sense of optimism.
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
For parents, “Permission to Feel” by Marc Brackett is a great resource for learning how to talk about emotions with their children. Reading with children is a wonderful way to validate their feelings of disappointment and normalize the experience of failure.
“A Little Spot of Life Skills” and “A Little Spot of Emotional Regulation” by Diane Alber offers tools for understanding and managing a variety of emotions, such as disappointment and ways to persevere. “I Am Human” by Peter Reynolds is another favorite, as is “What Do You Do With A Problem?” by Yobi Yamada.
Your local library or school likely has many more book recommendations on this topic.
I’m a big fan of the “Happiness Lab” podcast series with Laurie Santos from Yale University. She had a series dedicated to Ancient Greek and other philosophers, exploring lessons that are applicable today. Stoicism, for example, encourages people to reframe their perspective — focusing less on failure and more on the lessons learned, whether intended or unintended.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)
I would love to speak in person with former President Barack Obama. He is one of our few leaders who speaks about the importance of breaking through the issues that divide us, rather than fueling divisive issues. I especially want to know how he manages his frustration and disappointment with the current discord in our country. I loved his speech at the 2024 Democratic Convention where he spoke of the importance of building consensus in our country instead of division.
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
About the Interviewer: Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, podcast host, best-selling author and Tedx Speaker. The power of resilience in extraordinary circumstances kept her thriving as a child. Dr. Lund now helps entrepreneurs, executives, parents, and athletes to see the possibility on the other side of struggle and move towards potential. Her goal is to help each person she works with to overcome their unique challenges and thrive within their own unique context.
