Raising Resilient Kids: Mike Valle Of Milton Hershey School On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children

An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund

Look for opportunities for growth. When children are younger, seek out opportunities to have them try different things. You will find that there are some things that they are naturally good at and some things that are a bit more challenging where they will have to push themselves a bit more.

In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Mike Valle.

Mike Valle is a licensed psychologist, nationally certified school psychologist, and Interim Director of Psychological Services at Milton Hershey School (MHS), a private residential pre-K through grade 12 school that has positively impacted the lives of nearly 12,000 graduates since it was founded in 1909. Mike has served in various roles within Psychological Services at MHS over the last 20 years. He has a passion for resilience- and trauma-informed practices. He has also taught in the department of psychology at Elizabethtown College, Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine, and Lebanon Valley College. Mike earned his Ph.D. in School Psychology from the University of South Carolina and his B.A. in Psychology at the University of Notre Dame.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?

I come from a family of educators and people involved in “helping professions” overall. I always observed the passion my family had for that work and the joy it gave them. From early on, I was already trending in that direction. I also had tremendous coaches throughout my life who shaped my mindset and demonstrated the impact a meaningful adult can have on an individual.

Those formative experiences had me already gravitating towards psychology. Then, right in the middle of my college career is when Columbine unfortunately happened. I remember reflecting on all that could’ve been done before and everything that was needed in the aftermath to help people move forward out of a tragedy. I think that moment solidified the path that I was already going down.

Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?

For over 20 years, I’ve been involved in different areas of psychology and the research around resiliency. I’m a nationally certified school psychologist, so I have a lot of training in the work that goes into public and private school settings and how to build resiliency within kids. I’m also a licensed psychologist, so I’ve done a significant amount of clinical work — both with individuals and groups — helping them overcome hurdles and maximize their performance. I have a strong understanding of how we can get the most out of ourselves, after a challenge and in general.

Additionally, I am a parent of three kids, so I live that thinking daily, as well. I also coach — I’m very interested in the overlap between coaching and psychology and how it all fits together. I think everything I’ve done in my career revolves around the idea of resiliency and of overcoming adversity.

Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?

There are two quotes that really resonate with me. The first is The Man in the Arena speech by Teddy Roosevelt. At its core, the speech is about putting yourself out there and not being afraid to fail. Roosevelt said that the credit goes the person “who is actually in the arena…who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes up short again and again.” But that person also dares greatly. It’s easy to sit on the sidelines and criticize what someone might have done wrong, but it takes courage to be the one in the arena. You’re not going to have success unless you’re willing to put yourself out there.

The second quote is one I came across recently by Elizabeth Edwards. She tells us “when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.” That mentality is important in the work I do each day. You must recognize that things almost never go as planned and be willing to pivot and adjust, not just give up and say, “it’s not working.” The most successful people are the ones who are nimble and can adjust courses. That’s what resiliency is about — nothing’s ever perfect. As a professional, that’s what we’re trying to help people understand.

How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?

First and foremost, I think it’s important to balance not making excuses but having empathy. It’s important to recognize that it’s okay for your child to be disappointed and all the different emotions that go along with that, whether it’s frustration, anger, or sadness.

Sometimes as adults we want to take the approach of “suck it up and move on” versus the mindset of allowing the negative emotion to fuel progress. It’s important to normalize failure and disappointment and to ensure kids don’t fear it. The exact approach may vary around the age of the child or the circumstance you are dealing with, but it is important to help them understand that issues and challenges are normal. Life is not a straight path up the mountain. There are times that you will stumble, but that can be rocket fuel for growth. Let your child know that they aren’t the only ones to deal with these challenges and that it is a part of life that everyone goes through.

As for strategies, there are times when you need to give children the space to figure it out and allow them to process the disappointment. They may take longer than your expectations as a parent. Once they are ready, then you transition to the “What do we do next?” part. This will depend on the situation and the child, but you can help them process and focus on the “why.” It might look like problem solving with them. You might ask “Did you need to work a little harder on this?” or “Do you just need to continue doing what you’re doing and you’re going to eventually get there?”

As a parent and as a professional, it’s all about identifying growth steps with kids. Children know where they want to go but they don’t know how to get there. It’s empathizing, normalizing, processing, and then coming up with a plan.

What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?

The impact that parents have on their kids really can’t be understated — it’s critical. There are a couple of different ways that happens. First, kids are always paying attention, even when we don’t know that they are. I believe kids remember how parents react in crisis situations and when facing significant challenges. It’s something they certainly hold on to and they tend to model their behavior after.

What’s equally important is the day-to-day of how parents view situations. When something negative happens, if the parent goes into negative self-talk or a “life isn’t fair” mindset it can influence children. Kids tend to internalize those things and have a similar mindset. On the flip side, if they see their parents show resilience and strength during challenging times, they can internalize this more positive mindset.

In my work, I pay attention to very subtle things that kids say. When I hear “Well, I’ll never be good at this,” I quickly challenge that type of talk and don’t allow it to sit out there. I ask them, “You might not be good at it now but what can you do to be good at it eventually?” I think for parents, paying attention to these types of things daily really has an impact.

An example of resiliency we all shared was coming out of COVID — both as a parent and a professional — I witnessed how my three kids and others handled that situation differently. I saw how individuals dealt with significant issues surrounding health, grief, and loss. I think we’re just touching the surface of understanding how people overcame these things through the pandemic. For some, it was just a blip on the radar, and they moved forward, while others are still struggling with the aftermath of it.

I’m also privileged through my position at Milton Hershey School (MHS). Working at a school that serves a population of underprivileged students who often have challenging things in their background and being able to help them through those things is special to me. In the almost 20 years I’ve been with MHS, I have countless examples of kids that have gone up against significant challenges and continue to bounce back and show resilience. These students have moved forward and do amazing things. It’s been inspiring.

What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?

The key is first creating opportunities, then focusing on effort, and not just results. Do this early and often. The day-to-day experience in that process really allows kids to continue to push and challenge themselves and take healthy risks.

Allow children to understand the value of the process of trying new things. Help them evaluate what they get out of those experiences versus just the success or failure of the task.

Also, as a parent, it is essential to recognize that just because your child tries something and they’re not the best at it, doesn’t mean you should just pull them out and move to the next thing. Recognize that your child gets something out of everything they do — this helps them to become a well-rounded individual, scholar, athlete, etc. and maximizes their potential.

How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?

First and foremost, there’s not one right way to do it, which is what makes it challenging. I can’t just say if you follow these steps every time, it is going to work. You have to individualize your approach to the needs of each child and situation.

Overall, though, being available and supportive is important to kids, especially at a young age. I am not a proponent of the “sink or swim” mentality, At the same time, you can’t swim for them, so allow your child to swim, but be available for them and let them know that you are there for them if things go wrong. Make sure they know if they are “drowning” you are there to help.

It’s a balancing act of allowing children to experience failure and not making excuses for it. One of the things we need to be careful with as parents is not explaining failure in a way that wasn’t the child’s fault, especially when it was. We shouldn’t shift blame to the teacher, referee, or someone else that caused this to happen. Doing so can give children the idea that failure is a bad thing, when it isn’t.

The cornerstone of resilience is helping kids understand they can’t control everything. They should focus on what they can control, what they can do differently, and what’s going to eventually lead to their success. People tend to struggle when they feel like they don’t have any power about what happens in their life. Teaching kids early on to focus on what they can do and can control is important.

What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?

There is an analogy that I’ve resonated with that sums this up perfectly. Do you know when you’re on an airplane and they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you help others? Basically, if you can’t breathe, you are not going to be useful to others no matter how much you want to help them.

In terms of self-care, every adult is different and it is crucial to find what works for you. There are some universal things that research and data have shown to be effective such as physical activity and meditation. I have also found that unplugging at the end of the day by putting your phone away and turning off any other electronics to allow yourself to be alone with your thoughts and reflect on things is important.

Once you find what works for you — whether it’s those methods or something else as simple as reading a book — find a way to build it into your day. Carve a few minutes out and make it a priority.

Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?

• It starts from the beginning. Help children identify what emotions are. For instance, when children are feeling upset, help them understand what it is they are feeling.
• Don’t place artificial limitations on children. Self-talk is important — don’t allow children to limit themselves. Help children challenge any thoughts such as “I can’t do that.” Don’t allow them to get into the mindset of believing that they are not capable of doing something.
• Allow children to process events. Let kids experience the world around them and assist them in reflecting on it. Help them understand the power of the way they think about something and how it impacts their emotions. There are many things that are out of our control, l but one of the things that we can control is the way we organize our thoughts and process our emotions. It just takes practice.
• Look for opportunities for growth. When children are younger, seek out opportunities to have them try different things. You will find that there are some things that they are naturally good at and some things that are a bit more challenging where they will have to push themselves a bit more.
• Help children practice empathy and think beyond themselves. Having children understand the importance of being a kind person and caring for others is important from an emotional resiliency standpoint as well.

How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?

It is important to help kids develop habits that just become a normal part of their day. Ideally, we want them to practice building the skills of mindfulness and positive thinking before they are in an emotional crisis. There are tons of resources, such as apps and books, that parents can utilize with their kids to incorporate into their everyday routines. In the morning or at night, kids can do five minutes of meditation to jump start or end their days. There’s a lot of benefit to building these habits over time so kids can learn these healthy strategies to support their emotional resilience regularly.

Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?

One of the apps that I found to be effective from a mindfulness standpoint is the Calm App. I find that the app is very user-friendly and allows you to practice mindfulness at any moment through the accessibility of your phone.

Another great tool is the Positive Psychology Center from The University of Pennsylvania. Their goal is for people to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives through positive psychology, resilience, and grit. They have great podcast episodes, as well as lectures and courses for people to take part in, to learn more about positive psychology and resilience.

Is there a person in the world, or in the U.S., with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)

There’s two people that come to mind. First, as it relates to my field, I would say Malala Yousafzai. When I think of Malala, I think about the courage she displayed at a young age and putting her life on the line to do so. Despite the hardships, she continued to show resilience and move forward in the face of violence and physical threats.

On a personal and professional level, I would also enjoy the chance to interview Michael Jordan. In the work I do with resiliency and teaching others to maximize their potential, Michael Jordan really embodies that mentality of grit and tenacity. While we tend to look at all of Michael Jordan’s successes, we can’t overlook that he got where he did by constantly pushing past failure and refusing to set limitations. As I work with kids, he is a figure I share with them as an example of putting in the work, no matter the area of life, to become the best version of yourself.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

Readers can follow my work by heading to mhskids.org or by connecting with me on LinkedIn.

This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!

About the Interviewer: Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, podcast host, best-selling author and Tedx Speaker. The power of resilience in extraordinary circumstances kept her thriving as a child. Dr. Lund now helps entrepreneurs, executives, parents, and athletes to see the possibility on the other side of struggle and move towards potential. Her goal is to help each person she works with to overcome their unique challenges and thrive within their own unique context.