Raising Resilient Kids: Rachel Gunn Of Seeds of Impact On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children
An Interview With Dr. Kate Lund
Respect their opinions. Children can be blunt and honest, often challenging our views and making us uncomfortable. It’s important to treat their opinions with respect, teaching them that their voice matters and open communication is valued. Even when we disagree, validating their opinions fosters trust and encourages them to share as they grow.
In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Rachel Gunn.
Rachel Gunn is a parent consultant, author of Impact Parenting, and founder of the nonprofit Seeds of Impact. Her mission is to impact future generations by helping parents break generational cycles and establish new parenting principles. Learn more at RachelGunn.com.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?
Sure! I’m a former teacher turned full-time mom and parent consultant. I was born in Pennsylvania but raised in Birmingham, Alabama, so I have a special knack for being blunt and blessing your heart at the same time. I hold a BA in Language Arts and an MA in Education and spent ten years teaching middle school, which gave me a strong foundation for working with children and families and a high tolerance for the unique brand of attitude that teenagers can bring to the table.
I really struggled as a first-time mom — I experienced all the fears and doubts that many parents have. I literally felt like I was going to ruin my child somehow. I remember the exasperation when I realized I had to take her everywhere. There would be no more hopping in the car to grab a quick coffee. I learned firsthand how challenging it can be to balance intense love with the overwhelming responsibility of raising a child. I went from deep resentment to shame and guilt to intense love all in a matter of hours. I constantly second-guessed myself, not trusting that I had what it took to raise a child.
Looking back, I would say that I cherished my first daughter. I absolutely soaked up every sweet moment. But I enjoyed my second daughter. I had the experience to know I could keep her alive and relatively unharmed, so I was able to take a breath and enjoy my time with her.
It was when they started walking and talking that my educator background kicked in. My experience as a teacher gave me a unique perspective, especially when I realized that much of what I was doing in the classroom to manage behavior and discipline could be used in my home with my own kids. I also began studying my students, asking myself, ‘How can I get this behavior in my kids and not that behavior?’ I was really interested in learning more about the psychology of parenting, so I began researching and learning.
In 2014, I stepped away from teaching to focus on my family. With the extra time, I found myself encouraging other moms when they struggled with behaviors or structure or felt overwhelmed. More and more moms began to come to me for advice and encouragement. I continued to study parenting, discipline, and family relationship dynamics. My goal became helping parents shift their focus from day-to-day survival to intentional, future-focused parenting.
Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
As a middle school teacher, I worked with students who were on the verge of their teen years. One of the biggest struggles I heard from their parents was that their kids were becoming difficult to manage. “Out of control” was a phrase I heard a lot! One parent actually asked me if I could punish their child for something he did at home. Of course, I couldn’t, but I began to see how desperate these parents were. And as a mom of toddlers, I wanted to know how I could NOT end up like them. I’d love to say this all started from a desire to help others, but I was a young mom trying to survive myself.
These years working with parents of middle schoolers and a deep fear of having out-of-control teens have led me to research and learn about parenting techniques and strategies. I learned about the parenting stages–specifically the coaching stage–and it explained a lot. Our children develop in stages, so it makes sense that we would parent in stages to match their development. I was so relieved to know that there was a rhyme and reason to this whole parenthood thing. I realized that many of the parents I met with were struggling because they were parenting out of order. And, again, as a mom trying to survive, this information gave me hope and encouraged me to keep learning. Over the next few years, the seeds were planted for what would become Seeds of Impact, the nonprofit I founded to help parents break negative parenting cycles.
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?
As a parent consultant, educator, and former middle school teacher, I’ve worked closely with families and students to help them develop resilience, often in challenging environments. My work with Seeds of Impact, where we support parents overcoming addiction and incarceration, has been particularly impactful in deepening my understanding of how resilience is cultivated at home.
In addition, my experience as a middle school teacher gave me firsthand insight into how children develop resilience in the classroom. Middle school can be one of the most challenging times in a child’s life. They are changing ways they–and often their parents–don’t understand. It takes a lot of resilience to make it through the middle school era! My unique contribution to this field lies in combining my classroom experience with the parenting strategies I teach. This approach empowers both parents and children to build resilience, fostering healthier, stronger family dynamics.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
“Your job as a parent is to parent yourself out of a job.” The original quote is about teaching. I was at a faculty meeting, probably bored and zoning out, when the woman presenting said, “Your job as a teacher is to teach yourself out of a job. Your students should not need you at the end of the year.” This changed the way I taught and the way I looked at parenting. My children were so young then, but that shift in perspective changed the way I approached parenting.
This mindset has stayed with me and eventually became the basis of Impact Parenting, which is about parenting for the future. I also teach other parents this principle: we’re not just raising children but shaping future adults who can thrive without us. Ultimately, it’s all about giving them the tools to face life’s challenges independently with resilience and strength.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?
The first thing we can do as parents is sit with our children in their disappointment. Let them feel their feelings and show them empathy. We can feel the pressure to move quickly to the ‘bouncing back’ part, but let’s resist it. Trying to push them to recover too fast will just make them feel like we are dismissive. Sitting with them in their disappointment shows them that it’s okay to feel sad or frustrated and helps them develop emotional awareness.
After they have processed, we can start talking about what comes next. Ask questions like, ‘How are you feeling about it now?” Sometimes, just sitting with their disappointment for a minute is enough for them to shake it off and move on. Other times, they’ll need some help from us. If so, we can continue to ask open-ended questions that focus on how to move forward. Asking them questions like, ‘Have you learned anything from this?’ or ‘Why do you think this happened?’ can help our kids focus on problem-solving and growth and develop the skills to bounce back on their own.
Be sure to listen to your children and validate their answers, allowing them to drive the conversation. When we are in tune with their needs, we can follow their lead–asking helpful questions and encouraging them when they are open to it. Over time, this process builds emotional strength and resilience that our children can carry with them into future challenges. It also builds trust with them, which is an integral part of parenting. If they know that we will give them the space to be upset, they are more likely to be open to allowing us to guide them through their struggles.
What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?
Parental modeling plays a huge role in our children’s emotional development in so many ways. From how they respond to struggles to how they handle everyday stress, much of our children’s attitude is absorbed from the long-term exposure to their parents. Parental modeling though, has a very subtle impact. Children don’t realize that they are being influenced. They have no idea that one day, they are going to think to themselves, Wow, my mom/dad just came out. It just happens.
One example that comes to mind is my own mom. She had children at a very young age, and because of that, she did not go to college. She decided to get her nursing degree when I was about 12 years old. She had four kids between the ages of six and fifteen, all really involved in sports. I remember her sitting at my softball games with her books, studying and cheering me on. She never told me how hard it was, and as a teenager, I never considered the difficulty of getting a college degree as a mom of 4. But later, as a young adult facing my own adversity, I found this example encouraging. In fact, when I was working full time, and in school full time, I found myself thinking about her at the ballpark most nights and decided that if she could do it, then so could I.
What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?
The first step is to reflect on our own mindset toward mistakes and challenges. How do we respond when we make mistakes or feel we’ve failed? Our children are likely to mirror our behaviors, so reflecting on our approach to challenges is important. When we react with frustration or give up easily, our children are likely to follow in our footsteps. So, when we make a habit of seeing our mistakes as opportunities for growth, we are encouraging them to face challenges head-on and helping them understand that failure is a natural part of learning. We are laying a foundation for building a growth mindset.
Another strategy I recommend is approaching with curiosity. This means when our children do things that shock us, and they will, we try to let that initial reaction go and approach them with a genuine desire to understand. If we can do this, we will often find that they have good intentions. Some good ways to approach with curiosity are by saying, “Help me understand your thought process.” or “This looks interesting. What was your plan?” Questions like these help us start conversations and allow our children to feel heard without feeling judged. Approaching with curiosity reinforces a growth mindset by teaching our children that it’s okay to make mistakes and that growth comes from reflecting on those experiences.
Validating our children’s choices is crucial for fostering a growth mindset. This doesn’t mean that we applaud every decision. It means we acknowledge the process they used to make those choices. When our children make a bad choice, it can be tempting (even automatic) to point out why it was a wrong choice and what they should have done differently. Let’s take two examples: a toddler who “washes” our phone in the sink and a teen who buys more than needed because of a Buy-One-Get-One deal. The consequences of these decisions go from not-so-great to terrible.
We can validate the process in each situation while teaching them something about life. Our response in both situations can be similar: “I see why you thought that was a good idea, and taking the initiative shows maturity. In the future, though, I’d rather you come to me first. Sometimes, you might not realize some things, and I can help you.” Or we can be specific by saying, ‘Remember that anything that plugs in should not get wet. If you’re unsure, you can always ask me.’ In doing this, we are correcting our children and helping them make better choices. Still, we are also validating their independent decision-making attempts, which makes them feel understood and supported.
The key to building resilience and a growth mindset is to understand that it is more about creating a culture in our home that promotes these ideas. It’s not enough to tell our kids to be resilient or teach them strategies; we need to create a space where they feel comfortable practicing those skills.
How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?
This is a tough one. As both a teacher and a mother, I’ve learned that I approached situations differently in each role. Teachers can often take a step back and detach emotionally, allowing them to focus on a child’s potential and what they can achieve. On the other hand, parents who are deeply invested emotionally tend to focus on what their children need help with in the moment.
To find balance, we, parents, can benefit from adopting a “teacher’s lens,” seeing our children as individuals in need of support and capable of solving their own problems. By taking a step back emotionally, we can give our children the space to face challenges, make mistakes, and learn resilience. It’s about recognizing when to guide and when to allow them to figure things out on their own.
Here are some helpful questions we can ask ourselves when deciding whether to step in or allow our children to handle a situation on their own:
Is this a safety issue? If our children’s physical or emotional well-being is at risk, then stepping in is the right thing to do. We can always give them opportunities later to learn and grow.
Am I acting out of my own emotions? We have to be aware of our own emotions so that we are not parenting from them. Just because we are feeling an emotion for our kids does not mean that they are feeling it or need us to fix it.
Have I provided the tools they need? If your child is experiencing something new, it’s important that they have the tools. The first time I asked my daughter to make her own appointment, I was shocked at how unprepared she was. I wanted to let her figure it out because it seemed to me that she should know how. But she reminded me that she doesn’t talk on the phone much and has never called a doctor and made an appointment.
Is my involvement going to empower or hinder? Sometimes, stepping in hinders more than helps, and it can send the message to our children that we don’t think they are capable of handling the situation.
Can they learn from this mistake? Anytime a mistake can become a learning opportunity, we should try to let it play out before stepping in.
Is my child asking for help? Many times, we step in to help when our children really don’t want or need it. Asking this question can help us remember to check in before taking over.
What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?
First, it is important to understand that self-care has been idolized recently. Through social media, we see self-care being promoted as taking vacations, extravagant shopping trips, salon and spa packages, and even home spa experiences. Those are all great and can be very helpful to a stressed-out parent, but only if they are affordable and accessible to them. And it is important that we don’t use self-care as a way to avoid dealing with deeper issues.
True self-care is about taking care of yourself in your daily life so that you can show up as your best self. This will look different for many parents depending on their needs and situations. So, while I can’t say specifically what self-care strategies would be best, I can recommend some principles that parents can adapt to their situations.
For our mental health, we should try to be aware of what we’re allowing into our world. Take some time to look around at your environment: relationships, social media, news, music, etc. Are you surrounded by mostly positive influences, or do you experience a lot of negativity in your life? Pay attention to your self-talk during stressful moments. Creating a positive environment and shifting your mindset can really help improve your mental well-being.
For our emotional health, we need to try to stay aware of our feelings. Are you bottling up frustrations, or do you have a safe space to express your emotions? Make time for friends and family, or join support groups where you can be heard and understood. Healthy relationships and connections can provide support and understanding and help us feel less isolated.
Physical health is really about maintaining simple, healthy habits like getting enough sleep, moving our bodies, and eating nourishing foods. Small acts like drinking enough water, stretching, and eating nourishing foods can significantly impact how we feel day to day. We don’t necessarily have to follow a strict diet or exercise regimen, but making small positive changes can have a significant impact over time. Simple habits make self-care achievable and not overwhelming.
Creating boundaries is also an important self-care strategy. As parents, this can be pretty difficult since our children basically want to possess every waking hour we have. But try to set limits for your time and energy. Take stock regularly and ask yourself, ‘What am I doing that I don’t have to do?’ It’s okay to say no to commitments that overwhelm you or don’t align with your values. And it’s okay to say no to taxiing your children around the world sometimes. Boundaries help protect your time for rest, relaxation, and personal needs.
In the end, self-care is less about indulgence and more about daily practices that keep us balanced and ready to face the demands of parenting.
Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”?
Before I share these, I want to say that it is important to acknowledge your child’s feelings and avoid diminishing their struggles. We have to remember that their experiences are important to them, and their limited life experience gives them a different perspective from ours. Telling a child that something is not a big deal will rarely convince them of that, but it will likely convince them that we don’t care. So, I want it to be understood that these strategies should be used with empathy and after we have acknowledged and validated their feelings. Confidence comes from knowing you stand on a safe, firm foundation.
1. Focus on the Big Picture. Helping our children focus on the big picture when things seem overwhelming is about helping them put things into perspective. Our young children lack the life experience to pull from on their own, so we can help them see where their problem lies within the grand scheme of their lives. It’s like zooming out with your camera. For example, when your perfectionist sixth-grader makes a lousy grade, ask her how much she thinks this grade will matter the next school year. You can extend this further by asking if she believes it will impact her high school experience, getting into college, or her future career. If she isn’t sure, you can share your experience with grades and their impact. This reflection can help your child understand that while the situation feels significant in the moment, it’s just one small piece of a much larger journey. This approach encourages them to manage stress by seeing the long-term view and not being consumed by temporary setbacks, fostering resilience and emotional balance.
In our house, we have a data-minded daughter. She thinks very little like me, so when she gets stuck on something that seems overwhelming, my husband will grab a piece of paper and write or draw her problem in the middle. Then, he will draw out the other things in her life, making circles outward until her problem is like a small blip in the middle. It helps her to see it visually.
2. Use reflection questions. These questions take the judgment from our hands, turn it into reflection, and place it into our children’s hands. Whenever they mess up, make a bad grade, destroy something in our house, or get detention at school, we can ask them these questions, ‘How do you feel about this (grade, performance, experience, etc.), ‘Does it fit what you know to be true about yourself?’, ‘Do you know what you did wrong?’ and ‘Do you know how to correct it?’ These questions encourage self-awareness and accountability and open a dialogue where our kids can consider the consequences of their actions and see the potential to learn and grow from their mistakes. The benefit here is that, instead of us simply telling them how to improve, they are actively coming up with their own solutions.
Here are some examples of statements that we might be tempted to use and the questions we can ask instead:
Instead of, ‘This is what happens when you don’t study.’ ask, ‘If you could go back, would you change your choice to attend the game instead of studying?’
Instead of saying, ‘When you break the rules, you have to suffer the consequences,’ ask, ‘Does this fit what you know to be true about yourself?’
Instead of saying, ‘You need to be more responsible and remember your things,’ ask, ‘Is there something you can do to help you remember? Can I help with that?’
Instead of saying, ‘You’ve ruined my sofa!’ ask, ‘What can you do next time to prevent something like this from happening?’
Keep in mind that these questions are not the entire response to a situation. They are simply a way to inspire a growth mindset in the face of adversity.
3. Respect their opinions. Children can be blunt and honest, often challenging our views and making us uncomfortable. It’s important to treat their opinions with respect, teaching them that their voice matters and open communication is valued. Even when we disagree, validating their opinions fosters trust and encourages them to share as they grow.
When their views differ from ours, we can model respectful debate and challenge them to support their ideas with research. This helps them develop critical thinking and engage in constructive conversations. Instead of dismissing their thoughts, we can ask, “Why do you feel that way?” or “What led you to that conclusion?” This approach encourages deeper thinking and confidence.
By responding with respect, we create a safe space for ongoing openness. This mutual respect is key to maintaining a healthy, communicative relationship as our children develop their own beliefs, helping them feel heard and build resilience.
4. Teach calming techniques during downtimes. Most of us know about calming techniques. These are techniques we can use when feeling anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated, etc. It is important that we teach our children these techniques and practice them during downtime when they are not feeling strong emotions. By doing this, we help them build a toolbox of coping skills they can draw from when they face overwhelming feelings. Think of it like playing a sport or learning an instrument. We wouldn’t expect our kids to step in during a game or concert and try to learn to play. If they haven’t learned to catch and a ball is flying at them, they will probably not pick the skill up in that moment.
Whether it’s deep breathing, mindfulness, or grounding exercises, practicing these strategies helps normalize them so that when stress arises, we can help them use their skills. Eventually, they learn to calm themselves.
5. Circle back around to big issues. Parents can use this strategy in any situation, and it helps nurture self-reflection and reinforce resilience. Because our children often lack the life experience to put things into perspective, circling back to some of their significant moments — a week, a month, or even a year later — can provide powerful learning opportunities.
Start by bringing an incident up in casual conversation and gauging their openness to reflect. If they are not interested in talking, then let it go. But if they are, it can be an excellent opportunity for them to compare how they felt then to how they feel now. Revisiting past challenges can help our kids see that what once seemed overwhelming can be manageable in hindsight. It helps them recognize their growth and resilience, strengthening their ability to handle future challenges confidently.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
Mindfulness means we are simply aware of the people and activities around us and how they affect us. Being mindful can help us stay in tune with our emotional state and what affects it. Emotional regulation techniques are more than just ways to calm ourselves when we’re upset. We can use them throughout the day to help us maintain a balanced, healthy emotional perspective.
An emotional check-in is a great way to help our children be aware of and reflect on their emotional state. We can find a time that works and ask our children questions that help them focus on their surroundings and feelings in different moments and situations. It is important that we withhold our judgment or opinions when they respond.
Having a calm-down space is a way to help our children learn emotional regulation. We can model using the space when we are upset, saying, “I’m feeling angry or frustrated. I’m going to take a minute to calm down.” Having some calming tools in the space can be helpful as well.
Practicing gratitude helps us keep our focus more on the great things going on in our lives. A daily gratitude moment is a great way to implement this. It can be at dinner, bedtime, or even at random times throughout the day.
Daily routines are a great way to help our children feel safe, especially when we make self-care a part of them. When we can build these habits into our daily routine with our children, we normalize a healthy approach to mindfulness and emotional regulation. By doing this, we are helping them develop a self-reflective approach to life.
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
I love Axis (https://axis.org/). Their nonprofit’s mission is to ‘build lifelong faith by helping parents and caring adults talk with their kids about what they otherwise wouldn’t, one conversation at a time.’ They equip parents to navigate cultural issues and have conversations with their kids. They have a vast library of resources covering many relevant topics and issues parents face today.
The APA has a great article on resilience. (https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience/guide-parents-teachers)
I also like the book Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope, and Optimism in Your Child by Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein. It offers practical advice that parents can use in their everyday parenting.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)
I would love to sit with Elin Hilderbrand. I love reading her novels! They are set in Nantucket, and that’s where I dream of retiring!
How can our readers further follow your work online?
They can find my nonprofit at www.seedsofimpact.org and keep up with my future books at www.rachelgunn.com.
They can follow me on Instagram @rachelkgunn and Facebook @RachelGunnAuthor or just head to my website and find everything there! www.rachelgunn.com
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
About the Interviewer: Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, podcast host, best-selling author and Tedx Speaker. The power of resilience in extraordinary circumstances kept her thriving as a child. Dr. Lund now helps entrepreneurs, executives, parents, and athletes to see the possibility on the other side of struggle and move towards potential. Her goal is to help each person she works with to overcome their unique challenges and thrive within their own unique context.
