Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity: Hope Ray of Betrayal Violence Institute On 5 Things You Need To Rebuild Trust After Infidelity
An Interview With Nancy Landrum
Laying a foundation for trust to rebuild involves dissolving the power differential, which can take time. From working with men in my program, I’ve found that when they get serious about addressing their detachment, incongruence, regression and entitlement head on, they become safer and more trustworthy much faster. This is because they are doing the deeper work beyond getting their sexual behavior straightened out. They know that it’s not enough to simply be faithful or be honest — after all, their partners have been doing this all along, and thus the betrayed partner does not see this as some sort of extraordinary achievement that will heal their relationships.
As a part of our series about lessons from couples who’ve rebuilt trust after infidelity, I had the pleasure of interviewing Licensed Professional Counselor, Hope Ray.
Hope Ray is a psychotherapist and the founder of the Betrayal Violence Institute, an organization focused on examining the abusive nature of secrecy and deception in infidelity. Hope’s work reshapes cultural and clinical perceptions about modern infidelity, stay shaming, and complex partner trauma to foster greater cohesion and clarity among mental health clinicians.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you share a bit about your background and what inspired you to specialize in helping couples dealing with infidelity?
Early on as a therapist, I was driven to understand what hope there might be for couples dealing with infidelity in their relationships. By working closely with hundreds of betrayed partners, I was able to observe and note the subtle patterns in their wide range of experiences. I would scribble down thoughts between sessions, my mind constantly churning to get clear on one thing: can a person ever feel safe again with a partner who caused so much trauma?
After years of this, a bigger picture emerged, revealing a critical truth about infidelity that seemed overlooked: betrayed partners don’t feel safe or trusting just because the unfaithful partner has stopped their secretive behavior. In fact, they often feel less safe once the fidelity violator prioritizes healing the relationship. I started helping couples understand the power imbalance at play here, and ever since, I’ve been focused on creating resources for clients and other therapists that center around these core power dynamics.
In your experience, what are some common circumstances that lead couples to infidelity?
Infidelity in committed relationships is usually a unilateral act. Every coupleship has spoken or assumed agreements about what crosses the line into cheating, and open relationships are no exception. When one person breaches the fidelity code of conduct they have with their partner, it breaks down trust and safety. The tricky part is this: because most fidelity violators work to keep their actions secret, their partners keep loyally contributing to the relationship in a false context of safety. Once a partner discovers more secrets, the distrust that has been heating up for years comes to a full boil. I call this reality collapse, and it is a deeply traumatic experience. Unfortunately, many couples seek counseling only after these discovery patterns have occurred multiple times. Furthermore, finding the right help, right away can be a huge challenge for clients. With so many programs and approaches out there, sifting through it all — while in total crisis mode — can be overwhelming.
What are the initial steps you take when a couple comes to you after experiencing infidelity?
I categorize infidelity into two types: situational infidelity and what I call betrayal violence. The latter involves abusive tactics of deception, gaslighting and exploitative actions where the fidelity violator uses power and control to keep their partner in the dark about the fidelity violations. In my experience, most cheaters who do this do not maliciously intend to traumatize or even harm their partners; instead, they want to avoid the natural consequences of their secret behavior. Yet, their secrets cause great harm, especially because withholding essential information from a significant other hinders consent. When this occurs, the betrayed partner’s safety and wellbeing becomes endangered — all without knowing it.
Undisclosed exposure to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) is one common example, but endangerment occurs in cases where there has been no physical sexual contact, too. For instance, a person practicing daily solo sex outside of their partner’s awareness may have less — or more — interest in sex with their partner. When the partner is not clued in to the impetus for their partner’s increased or decreased interest in the bedroom, an accurate assessment of the shared conditions for arousal and intimacy can’t be made. It leads to confusion, self-blame, moral compromise, poor body image, sex under duress and more.
As a result, couples can suddenly find themselves in a crisis of infidelity due to the secret actions of one partner, leaving them grappling with trust and safety issues. So when couples are seeking support to heal their relationship, I first help them assess their situation by using the measuring stick of equity.
Can you share a particularly memorable or impactful case (anonymously, of course) where a couple successfully rebuilt trust?
My favorite clients are a combination of two types of people: a fidelity violator who is willing to do the deep emotional, mental and behavioral labor it takes to achieve a healthy sense of equity between themselves and others. And a betrayed partner who understands their own past (or present) endangerment and decides they are going to heal, come hell or high water, regardless of whether or not they stay in the relationship.
Not all couples can or even should stay together. I’ve worked with couples in the most dire of circumstances, where the problematic sexual behavior resulted in legal trouble, lost careers, infectious disease and every other kind of life-altering consequence that would seem impossible to overcome. Love cannot right these wrongs — but deep, core change has power to do the unimaginable. Bearing witness to the genuine healing of these individuals and couples is an honor that galvanizes my passion to help advance clinical understanding of the possibility for healing within modern infidelity.
What are some of the biggest challenges couples face during the healing process?
One of the biggest challenges couples face during the healing process is navigating what I call “the fallow period.” This is when the cheating has stopped but the faithfulness isn’t enough to carry the relationship into deeper healing. During this time, there are seeds of trust and safety growing, but not enough harvest to make the hard work feel worth it.
Couples take this problem to therapy and often come away with the picture that they’re stuck because of the betrayed partner’s triggers and trauma. However, I’ve found it’s actually the fidelity violator who hasn’t grown to the next level, usually because they don’t know what that is. They haven’t addressed the issues that lie beneath their ability to keep a secret, separate life while in relationship with their partner. I refer to these issues as D.I.R.E.: detachment, incongruence, regression and entitlement, and a person who has betrayed their partner for years needs to examine these traits.
How long does the process typically take, and what factors influence this timeline?
Laying a foundation for trust to rebuild involves dissolving the power differential, which can take time. From working with men in my program, I’ve found that when they get serious about addressing their detachment, incongruence, regression and entitlement head on, they become safer and more trustworthy much faster. This is because they are doing the deeper work beyond getting their sexual behavior straightened out. They know that it’s not enough to simply be faithful or be honest — after all, their partners have been doing this all along, and thus the betrayed partner does not see this as some sort of extraordinary achievement that will heal their relationships.
Are there any particular books or resources that you recommend to couples dealing with this issue?
There are many good books, podcasts and programs targeting the rebuilding of trust and it’s important for clients to feel represented by the lens through which their selected resources address infidelity. This can be difficult as they each offer different blends of theoretical perspectives about things like problematic sexual behavior, sex addiction, attachment theory, betrayal trauma theory, codependency, coercive control, spirituality and more. There is a lot for clients to choose from, and it can be tough to find an inclusive model that best fits their situation in a therapy landscape that is quite fragmented, where no one-size-fits-all. Here are some recommendations that have consistently benefitted many of my clients according to their various needs:
For betrayed partners looking for a therapist or coach: www.apsats.org
For a free supportive community for betrayed women: www.wetonglen.com
For disclosure intensives: www.hopeandfreedom.com
For men who want to address D.I.R.E. as mentioned above: www.hoperay.com/gettingdirestraight
For couples looking for a joint program that includes community: www.helpingcouplesheal.com
For therapy scholarships and financial support: www.litpath.org
How has your work with couples impacted your personal and professional life?
I am inspired by the network of professionals I’ve connected to over the years; so many collegiate friendships with people who really “get it” and are making a difference.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I educate organizations about the power and control that lies at the heart of most modern infidelity. Part of my mission is to define important terms that help synergize the language in the therapeutic community. I see this as a critical gap that needs to be filled, and it will have a positive domino effect into other disciplines as well. I believe the overarching framework I’ve been pioneering for a decade has the power to impact not only the mental health realm but also the legal system, the medical field, and faith-based, community and advocacy programs.
We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)
Joe Rogan. If he knew about betrayal violence, I believe he would want to talk about it. He’s a big picture thinker with existential reasoning, and I think that once he understood how badly it’s needed, then his platform could do wonders for helping people get to this information, and people would know how to frame their suffering. If Joe Rogan took interest in the topic of betrayal violence on his podcast platform, awareness would spread fast, and it’s needed now more than ever.
How can our readers follow your work online?
TikTok and other social media: @hoperaytherapy
Websites: www.hoperay.com and www.betrayalviolenceinstitute.com
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
About the Interviewer: At 79 years young, Nancy guides couples to transformative relationship skills, specializing in strategies for stepfamilies to succeed. Nancy brings her MA in Spiritual Psychology, personal experience and research proven strategies to guide couples to healthy communication skills and relationship happiness. Nancy has contributed to multiple media outlets including Huffington Post, Psych Central, and Woman’s Day magazine, to name a few. Nancy coaches in person, on Zoom, in her online courses at www.MillionaireMarriageClub.com , on “Relationship Rehab” TV and Talk and has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married & Love It!” and “Stepping TwoGether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy’s goal is to lower the divorce rate globally.
