Rising Through Resilience: Nurse Lan Mai On The Five Things You Can Do To Become More Resilient During Turbulent Times

An Interview With Savio P. Clemente

Start a day/meeting with “What is going well?” It almost feels like a default to complain or talk about what is not working out. Starting a meeting/conversation with someone by asking them what is going well makes people take a step back. Sometimes it can be challenging to think of one thing that is going well, but keep practicing and then it becomes second nature.

Resilience has been described as the ability to withstand adversity and bounce back from difficult life events. Times are not easy now. How do we develop greater resilience to withstand the challenges that keep being thrown at us? In this interview series, we are talking to mental health experts, authors, resilience experts, coaches, and business leaders who can talk about how we can develop greater resilience to improve our lives.

As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Lan Mai.

Lan is a woman of many talents! Nurse, Health and Life Coach, Educator, Writer, Mom, Military Spouse, and Amazing Human Being.

She is a learner, community builder, traveler, reader, resourceful, creative, adaptable, and resilient.

Lan’s ultimate goal is to leave this world better than when she entered it. She wants to share her journey to inspire others to live their dreams.

Thank you so much for joining us! Our readers would love to get to know you a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your backstory?

I started my career as a nurse ten years ago. I cannot believe it has been a decade. It has been an exciting journey and I still love nursing. After I became a mom, I developed postpartum depression (PPD) and struggled with attachment to my child. I am still learning to live with PPD and a lack of attachment to my children now, but I have learned to thrive through this diagnosis.

While looking for tools to deal with PPD, I became a dual-certified health and life coach at the Health Coach Institute. “Your first client is yourself” is the first lesson I learned. I believe in this wholeheartedly. I discovered so much about who I am as a mom. I struggled with guilt, shame, jealousy, anger, and even suicidal ideation. I learned to embrace my strengths and acknowledge my weaknesses without focusing on them. I learned to love the type of mom that I am and fully own that I am exactly who my children need in their lives.

I am now a health and life coach. I work with moms who are struggling with losing their identity thinking that they have to give up a part of themselves. I help them discover who they are now, physically, emotionally, and mentally so that they can encompass all the best versions of themselves without sacrificing who they are.

Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?

I had a client enrolled in a 13-week program with me. Her big goal was to lose weight. At the end of the program, she told me, “I can’t believe this actually worked!” She told me that when she joined the program, she didn’t believe it would work and only did it as a last resort. She even said that halfway through the program she still wasn’t convinced that this program was real. By the end, she was a full believer and so thankful for the work that we did together.

For me, this is the most memorable story because she was one of my first clients. We often remember our firsts. I learned to believe in the process, to believe in the method taught to me, and to believe in my clients.

If she would have told me halfway through that she did not want to complete the program, I probably would have agreed with her and felt like a failure. That is not what happened though. We journeyed together for 13 weeks and created some amazing new sustainable habits.

I am glad that this client told me her doubts about the program after it was completed. I learned to have confidence in myself as a health and life coach. I also learned that unquestioning faith and full belief that my client will achieve her goals is what makes all the difference.

What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?

Moms have the power to change the world. By focusing on moms and their individual identities, I help them become the best version of themselves. Moms interact with so many people; children, playmates, other parents, teachers, office workers, check-out clerks, and strangers at the park to name a few. I help moms present the best versions of themselves to all these people; thus, creating positive interactions. These positive interactions have a cascading effect. Every time a mom creates a positive moment with another individual, that individual’s world just changed for the better. All these moments add up to creating a better world.

I do not just help moms become the best mom. I help them become the best version of themselves in all aspects of their lives. A mom can be a parent, daughter, spouse, friend, business owner, fitness influencer, dog lover, teacher, and so much more. I help moms rediscover how to be all of their individual parts with passion.

I had a client who was a stay-at-home mom of four. Her husband worked full-time and traveled a lot for his job. She was exhausted and felt that her only solution was a divorce. Our sessions did not focus on the pros and cons of divorce. I started by asking her what brings her joy, what energizes her, and what fills her cup. I also did a session called “yes-no-calendar” and looked at all the events that she looked forward to versus events that she dreaded. We also started introducing ways that she can give to herself, independent of other people in her family. For example, she likes flowers, but her husband does not buy them for her. She decided that she could buy herself flowers once a week. It would not break their budget and it would make her happy the day she bought it, and the following days when she looked at them.

After working with this client for several sessions, her mindset started to shift. She stopped looking at divorce as an only option out, and started looking towards efficient and effective ways to bring joy into her life. Once she started focusing on herself a little more, she saw that she was less exhausted and was able to be more present for her kids. She still has a busy calendar, and her husband still works a lot, but she is now able to reclaim some of her day back for herself. This has helped her gain energy and given her a new perspective about what is most important in her life. She now knows that she is also a priority in her life.

None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story?

My cousin. I jokingly call her my favorite cousin, because we are not allowed to have favorites. I have so many. This cousin I would say is one I feel most close to. She was there for me when my mom died, and is still there for me today as we navigate parenthood together. I only recently discovered how much she did for me after my mom died. I felt like I could talk to her about anything and that she would spend hours listening to me. She also was my safe haven when I needed to cry because I felt like I was not enough. She was the person who stayed with me in the hospital when everyone else was attending my mom’s funeral. She is also the first person I called after I had my babies. I am extremely blessed to have her in my life. She has helped me since I was 11 years old through so many happy and sad moments in my life.

Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of this interview. We would like to explore and flesh out the trait of resilience. How would you define resilience? What do you believe are the characteristics or traits of resilient people?

Resilience is going through an experience and maintaining a positive outlook despite the outcome. Resilient people are positive, patient, adaptable, and critical thinkers.

Courage is often likened to resilience. In your opinion how is courage both similar and different from resilience?

Courage is choosing to do something that invokes fear. It implies that there is a choice.

Resilience is going through an experience and thriving through it. This experience is not something a person has a choice about. It just happens whether the person wants it to or not. Resilience is living with this experience positively.

When you think of resilience, which person comes to mind? Can you explain why you chose that person?

My dad is probably the most resilient person I know. My dad raised four kids on his own after the death of our mom. We were ages 3, 5, 9, and 11 at the time of her death. He gave us a wonderful life. My dad raised four kids on his own. I grew up without feeling like I was missing something in my life, despite living in a single-parent household. That is an amazing accomplishment.

My dad probably had challenging moments while raising us. He did not show it. I am only now aware of how much of a struggle it must have been for him because I am now a parent and wow parenting is hard. I am now in awe of what my dad did for us four kids growing up. He had his faith, his family, and his support system. He just did an amazing job raising us as a widow.

Has there ever been a time that someone told you something was impossible, but you did it anyway? Can you share the story with us?

After I graduated high school, I decided to go to Germany with my boyfriend for the entire summer before starting college. My immediate and extended family all told me that this was not an option. They forbade me from going. They told me all the terrible things that were going to happen to me and how horrible I would be for leaving.

I went to Germany for the summer. I worked during my senior year and saved money to buy my flight. I asked a friend’s mom to buy the flight with her card because I only had cash. I ensured I had a passport and packed my bags and flew away.

This might not seem like a big deal, but for me at this time it was. It was the first time that I did something for myself despite what my family said. I was so used to living my life for my family, making sure that I followed all their rules, making sure that I was the perfect daughter. This was the first time that I put myself before my family in a big way. It was a huge statement from a newly 18-year-old.

Did you have a time in your life when you had one of your greatest setbacks, but you bounced back from it stronger than ever? Can you share that story with us?

Obtaining my MSN in Education. My spouse is active-duty military. I was in the middle of my Master’s degree when we received orders to move to Naples, Italy. We had no choice but to go. The question was whether I was going to put my Master’s on hold or complete the clinical portion while stationed in Italy. The clinical portion had to be completed stateside, which meant I would be leaving my spouse with our two toddlers for four months. We decided that our family could handle being apart for four months. We joked that it was “my deployment” to finish school. It was extremely challenging because my spouse was working full time and the kids were so young.

Completing my degree and being apart definitely made me a better parent and spouse. I got to continue developing my identity as a person by focusing on my career and education. I also got to take time to rediscover who I am, what my passions are, and focus on developing myself as a person. I believe that I came back to Italy as a happier mom and spouse. I felt more in control of my emotions. I felt like my person cup was filled, which makes it much easier to give of myself to my kids and spouse.

I also learned that the four of us are okay when we are apart. We miss each other, but we also thrive. We develop community with others, learn to adapt, and be resilient.

How have you cultivated resilience throughout your life? Did you have any experiences growing up that have contributed to building your resiliency? Can you share a story?

I would definitely say that growing up as one of the older siblings in a single-parent household helped develop my resiliency. Of course, at the time, 14-year-old me did not realize I was developing this useful trait. I can think of so many instances and stories to tell. Overall, just living in a household with one dad and four kids presents many opportunities for cultivating resilience. I think the overall arch of my life growing up would be balancing my life while still helping my dad “raise” my younger siblings. I think finding a way to deal with the pressure of having to help so much in the household while still excelling in school and extracurriculars.

I think the biggest thing that comes to mind is the decision to attend university locally rather than moving far away. I decided that I would move out of my dad’s house, but still attend a local college so that I could develop my independence, but still be there when my dad needed help with my siblings or the house. I struggled to find this balance because I felt so much pressure to be the perfect daughter and help my dad but also wanting to be my own person.

Resilience is like a muscle that can be strengthened. In your opinion, what are 5 steps that someone can take to become more resilient? Please share a story or an example for each.

1 . Start a day/meeting with “What is going well?” It almost feels like a default to complain or talk about what is not working out. Starting a meeting/conversation with someone by asking them what is going well makes people take a step back. Sometimes it can be challenging to think of one thing that is going well, but keep practicing and then it becomes second nature.

I start all my coaching sessions with the question, “What is going well.” The focus of coaching is to improve lives or even fix something, but the problem is not the only thing we focus on. I want my clients to start each meeting by giving me something I can celebrate with them. It can be as simple as, “I got to drink my coffee in peace this morning” or something bigger like, “I finally said, “No” to my partner.” Also, by starting every meeting with something positive to celebrate, my client starts thinking of things to tell me before our next session. They are already developing the mindset of thinking of “what is going well” rather than “what is going wrong.”

2 . Have a gratitude journal. This can be a personal journal or one shared with a friend/partner/coworker/mentor. The idea is to write down three to five items that a person is thankful for that day. This can be written down or said out loud to another person. This will instill a practice of examining each day and picking out the positive moments. On challenging or exhausting days, this is even more important because it shines a spotlight on the positives.

This personally worked for me. I suffer from depression. I spent a few months thinking that nothing good ever happens in my life. I also spent several years thinking that I was not good enough and would never be enough. Someone suggested a gratitude journal for me. When I first started, I could barely think of one thing to be grateful for. Sometimes, it was as small as, “I am thankful I have a place to sleep.” Over time it became easier. I started diving deeper and started acknowledging that, “I am thankful for having a friend I can call when I am sad.” After a while, my gratitude for just being able to live my life was so great that I did not need the journal anymore. I just found myself being appreciative of things throughout the day. I would eat lunch and think, “I am grateful for this meal.” I would have a day off work and think, “I am grateful I get paid well enough to afford days off.”

3 . Thank specific people for specific things that they do. Not just thank you.

As nurses in the hospital, we have to work as a team. We say thank you to each other all the time. One natural response is to just brush it off like it is nothing. Taking the extra moment to say, “Thank you for pausing your charting to help me change my patient’s diaper” adds another dimension to appreciation. It is more than just a “thanks for the help.” It acknowledges what the other person is giving up to help. It also provides specific details to the helper so that they cannot just brush off the help. They have to accept that they did do something. It is easy to just say, “I didn’t do anything.” So by giving the thank you some flourish, it also forces the helper to acknowledge their role. It is a win-win for both sides.

4 . Empowered action steps. Focusing on what can be changed. Not everything in life goes as planned. Focusing on what can be changed is a way to practice developing resiliency when this unexpected downfall happens. One option is to just be sad that something didn’t go as planned. The other option to is to examine which part of the plan is still occurring, or how to adapt to a new plan.

When I was completing my Master’s stateside, I planned to complete my clinicals in San Diego, work as a travel nurse in San Diego, and live at a friend’s house during that time. School started in September. In August, I discovered that I could not work at my old hospital due to policy, I no longer had a place to stay because my friends’ family were all coming home, and I could not start school because the school and the hospital would not sign each other’s contracts. So here I was flying to San Diego from Italy, leaving my family, and not actually accomplishing the purpose for leaving them.

My spouse and I discussed whether I was going to put my school on hold and just cancel this whole trip altogether. We decided to go through with it. I ended up getting a job in Austin, Texas. The school clinicals were delayed but was going to start in October. So I ended up spending most of my time in Houston, Texas at my dad’s house. The job in Austin allowed me to work every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. So I grouped my shifts together and would drive to Austin for my work shifts and stay at a friend’s place. I would drive back to Houston on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Once clinicals in San Diego started, I would fly to San Diego on Tuesday morning, attend clinicals, and then fly back Thursday night to Austin for my work shifts. It was an absolutely crazy time, but I did it. I completed my Master’s program, I worked at an amazing hospital, met so many interesting people, and I got to spend time with my family in Houston. Also, because my school was delayed by two months, my children and house flew to Texas from Italy for three weeks and got to spend the holidays with our extended family.

5 . None of this was according to our plan. But, we made it work and came out even better because of it. I worked longer, which meant more money. We spent time with our family in Texas, who we have not seen in about a year. I finished school and developed a new network in Austin, Texas.

Breathing technique 5–5–7 to stay calm, cool, and collected. This breathing technique is simple to follow. It is breathing in for 5 seconds, holding the breath for 5 seconds, and breathing out for 7 seconds. Breathing out slower than breathing in helps the body to calm down. When obstacles occur or events happen that are not ideal, it is easy to blow up or get frustrated. The 5–5–7 breathing technique helps to get through the frustrating moment, recenters thoughts, and allows the brain and heart to process what is happening. This allows for a moment to reset and not become overwhelmed by negative thoughts or feelings.

I use this technique all the time. I have also taught my toddlers this breathing technique through modeling. When I am frustrated or overwhelmed by my children and want to yell, scream, hit, or throw something, I use this 5–5–7 technique instead. I will stop, take a 5-second breath in, hold for 5 seconds, and then breathe out for 7 seconds. My kids recognize what I am doing and will not interrupt me when I do this. Sometimes they will even ask, “Are you getting angry, mommy?” This is the perfect opportunity to model to them how I calm myself. This technique has helped me be a more resilient mom. It would be easy just to blow up and get angry at the kids, but it is not productive. I calm down, cool off, and recollect my thoughts. Then I respond to the situation with a much calmer heart.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I believe that everyone deserves a health and life coach. I believe that everyone deserves someone who believes in them 100%. The movement I would create is for health and life coaching to become a part of healthcare. I believe that everyone could have one as early as pre-adolescent years. However, I believe the greatest impact would be post-college. I believe that 22-year-olds are at a great transition time. They are possibly leaving college and entering the workforce. They are at a time in their lives when they are going through a lot of change. A health and life coach at this time would help provide tools to discover who they are now when school is not the goal. They have so many options and possibilities. They also have to commit full-time hours to work, and still navigate life and how to care for themselves. A health and life coach would help support these growing individuals and help young adults discover the best versions of themselves.

We are blessed that some very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them :-)

James Patterson! I have read so many of his books. I am up to date on three of his series and read the new ones as soon as they come out. I am a huge fan of his. More importantly, I love the change he is creating in this world. James Patterson supports so many organizations. He also supports so many individuals through scholarship, programs, and giving. He gives so much and inspires others to have a lot of reading. He is overcoming the literacy barrier by bringing books to everyone. I admire his passion for reading and his passion for bringing books to everyone. I would just love to meet him and express my gratitude for bringing so much joy into my life through his books. I also would love to hear about where his passions started and just get to know this inspiring man.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

I have a Website and blog. It tells more about who I am and what I am doing. I am coaching, teaching, and writing. I am thriving and learning something every day.

This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for joining us!

About The Interviewer: Savio P. Clemente, TEDx speaker and Stage 3 cancer survivor, infuses transformative insights into every article. His journey battling cancer fuels a mission to empower survivors and industry leaders towards living a truly healthy, wealthy, and wise lifestyle. As a Board-Certified Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC, ACC), Savio guides readers to embrace self-discovery and rewrite narratives by loving their inner stranger, as outlined in his acclaimed TEDx talk: “7 Minutes to Wellness: How to Love Your Inner Stranger.” From his best-selling book to his impactful work as a media journalist covering resilience and wellness trends with notable celebrities and TV personalities, Savio’s words touch countless lives. His philosophy, “to know thyself is to heal thyself,” resonates in every piece.