Say “YES!” to Marriage Education
By the time I was three years old, I knew one thing. I was going to have a happier, more loving marriage than my parents. They were not bad people. In many ways, they were ethical, responsible… even godly people. But, there was a constant low level of bickering and disrespect that erupted into verbal fights. Sometimes, I heard one of them slap the other. I longed for them to show affection and be kind to each other.
Now multiply this scene for millions of children who are traumatized by similar or much worse behaviors of their parents or caregivers. Many couples have parents and even grandparents who divorced. These parents did the best they could with the skills that were modeled for them, but, with these as our first marriage mentors, how could we learn the skills that create and sustain a happy, lasting marriage?
REPORTS FROM THERAPISTS AND COACHES
The past few months I’ve had the privilege of interviewing many gifted marriage therapists and coaches. They contributed to a series in Authority Magazine titled “5 Keys for a Happy, Lasting Marriage.”
Therapist Audrey Schoen’s primary marriage model growing up was the parents of a friend. Many individuals do not have even one positive example like this to give them hope that a happy marriage is possible. Audrey says, “I wish that couples therapy was treated more like a maintenance plan rather than a last-ditch intervention. They want to know they tried everything before deciding to separate.”
Therapist Mark Verber in PA states, “My dream is to inspire a movement that would make therapy not just more accessible, but more approachable. He humorously adds, “I would love to see therapy selfies start popping up on social media!”
Coach Jim Ramos is teaching men how to be loving husbands and fathers. His messages about marriage and manhood have reached over 23 million people in the past 18 months.
Therapist Sue Geelan is in Australia. Rather than doing traditional therapy, as she was taught, Sue is teaching couples the skills that keep her and her husband blissfully happy even after 36 years of marriage.
Laura Doyle has taught 150,000 + women how to inspire the time, attention, and affection from their husbands that they want. Her book, The Empowered Wife, has been translated into 19 languages in 30 countries. She has hundreds of trained coaches that multiply the reach of her message.
I have been energized and inspired as I witness the transformation that takes place when a couple begins practicing some simple skills. I’ve seen tears come when a couple feels hope revived for their love. Many couples fight hard to save their marriage because they don’t want to pass on their dysfunction to their children.
I hear reports from my clients that their children’s behavior improves when there is peace between the parents. These couples also begin doing a better job of parenting now that the conflicts between partners are resolved. One mother exclaimed, “Our kids are witnessing a healthy marriage for the first time in their lives! There is laughter in our home again!”
A couple has a six-year-old son who was very upset by his parents’ frequent fights. They sought help, telling their son they were going to a class to help them stop fighting. A month or so later, after working hard to implement the new skills they were learning, the boy walked into the living room where his Mom and Dad were having a quiet conversation. He emphatically announced, “You guys are doing really good! You hardly ever fight anymore!”
MARRIAGE in HISTORY
Until the past several decades, a great marriage was largely a result of chance. You won the lottery if your marriage was happy and mutually respectful. But now, thanks to the work of great researchers, the components that create a happy marriage have been identified. Even more important, those skills can be learned and practiced by those who entered marriage without any idea what it would take to succeed!
So, why aren’t struggling couples rushing to marriage education classes and meeting with marriage educators to learn these simple skills?
THE FIRST REASON
There is a strong cultural stigma against seeking help. This stigma is a major barrier. Most couples struggle for several years before they get desperate enough to overcome that barrier and reach out for help if they do at all. Many assume that the only two options are to live with unhappiness or divorce.
THE SECOND ISSUE
It may be hard to find a qualified, effective marriage educator. Many of the couples who come to me have already seen a therapist or two without getting the practical skills they need. Some have even been advised to get a divorce! The therapy model isn’t working for couples who simply need to learn better skills.
When my late husband Jim and I finally admitted that we needed help, we tried three different therapists before we found someone who taught us some simple communication and conflict management skills. The first time we talked about our hot issue using the respectful language she gave us, we made it through forty-five minutes without fighting! A first! Exhausted by the effort, we stood. As I stepped into Jim’s arms, he said, “That felt so respectful. Let’s do our best to always treat each other with respect.” I agreed.
We kept using these new, respectful speaking and listening skills until they became our new habits. We never had another fight. We enjoyed seventeen more happy, loving years together without even a harsh word between us.
This is the power of respectful skills!
Respect is the Medium in Which Love Thrives!
There is a huge volume of proof that using practical, simple skills transforms a troubled marriage into a happy one. Things like giving daily appreciation, regular couple dates, listening with the intention to understand, taking turns speaking, and simple anger management strategies are magical in their transformational power.
Some marriage therapists, counselors, or coaches need additional training to be more effective with couples. One couple left therapy because she accidentally heard their therapist having a nasty fight on the phone with her husband. This woman said, “If she doesn’t have a better marriage than me, then I don’t trust anything she tells us.”
PART THREE of this movement is to inspire marriage educators to learn and practice respectful skills in their own homes, with their own relationships so they can teach these skills with authority…or limit their practice to things other than marriage.
THE VISION: A MOVEMENT FOR CHANGE
Mahatma Ghandi said, “A small group of determined and like-minded people can change the course of history.” He proved it. Every major movement that bettered our culture or living conditions began with one person’s dream or a relatively small core of people who passionately believed change was necessary and possible.
I’m asking you to do one simple thing. Add your voice to ours.
“Say YES” to ending the pain of unnecessary divorce. Send an email to me with “YES” in the subject line. Sharing your address does not mean you’ll be asked to do anything else. It doesn’t mean you’re committing money or energy to this movement. It only means you want to stay informed about the progress in making this vision a reality. “Say YES” to healing marriages rather than sending them to a divorce court. “Say YES” to making effective, powerful education easy to find. “Say YES” to making marriage education the norm.
Again, say “YES!” by emailing me, Nancy@NancyLandrum.com with “YES” in the subject line. Disclaimers: Your email will never be sold or shared without your permission. This movement is not part of any religious or political organization.
I welcome your comments or questions.
