Self-Care & Mental Wellness: Ashley Abramson of The Unicorn Effect On The Top Five Selfcare Practices That Improve Mental Wellness
An Interview With Maria Angelova
Practice Daily Forgiveness and Love For Others.
The hardest person for us to forgive and love is ourselves. Our ability to forgive and love others is much easier but by forgiving and loving others we are actually showing love and forgiveness to ourselves. This daily practice through lifting others up is actually lifting you up as well. Forgiveness does not mean we must agree with one’s actions, but instead signifies that though their actions were upsetting to you, they are still worthy of love.
Let’s face it. It seems that everyone is under a great deal of stress these days. This takes a toll on our mental wellness. What are some of the best self-care practices that we can use to help improve our mental wellness and mental well-being? In this interview series, we are talking to medical doctors, mental health professionals, health and wellness professionals, and experts about self-care or mental health who can share insights from their experience about How Each Of Us Can Use Self Care To Improve Our Mental Wellness. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Ashley Abramson.
Ashley Abramson is an Inner Child Expert, Self-Love Mentor, and social worker gone rogue! (Her clients like to call her the ego whisperer) she works with women who can’t stand the thought of another vanilla talk therapy session, she creates a space for their egos to feel safe and get to the root cause for why they feel stuck in life. Her method, The Unicorn Effect, works to peel back the layers of societal conditioning, programming, and trauma, so that they can experience a whole new level of self-love. And no, she doesn’t mean wine Wednesdays, and bubble baths — she teaches her clients how to connect with themselves in the purest form, where true, authentic self-love is born, to figure out who they really are!
Thank you so much for doing this interview with us. It is a great honor. Our readers would love to learn more about you and your personal background. Can you please share your personal story? What has brought you to this point in your life?
Thank you so much for having me. I am so excited to be here. Most of my life, I had been a major outsourcer — looking for clues to who I was in personality tests, astrology readings and every quiz imaginable. At 32, I was faced with a life changing event, I was getting a divorce, which completely altered the trajectory of my life. I began to connect with my own inner child (who had been abandoned by me and most people I knew at a young age) and stopped looking externally.
Using my social work background and my expertise on the impact of childhood traumas, I began supporting women to heal the innermost parts of themselves and say sayonara to another Meyers briggs test. I guide women on their journey to clear out the noise that has been running their life and holding them back from their answers within.
What is your “WHY” behind what you do? What fuels you?
For over three decades I was filled with anxiety, anger, fear and sadness. I was a ticking-time bomb that one minute appeared to be the most joy-filled person you knew to the next minute being filled with absolute rage, fear and hate. As soon as I entered my eighteenth year on this journey I was already carrying an arsenal of mental health diagnoses including bi-polar and anxiety. I had attempted to take my own life on multiple occasions and the most recent being at seventeen which was almost successful. At 19 years old I qualified for social security disability, I was told that I would never successfully graduate college or ever be able to have an actual career in life. I was a walking zombie, taking 3–4 different medications and attending weekly therapy and group DBT sessions. I was also constantly doctoring for physical ailments from constant pain to odd skin rashes.
I watched my fathers life significantly deteriorate, alongside my own. He also suffered from severe mental health. Until, one day he was successful at taking his own life. At that point I vowed that would never be me. I realized quickly my life was beginning to mirror his.
Over many years of implementing new things I had learned such as affirmations, meditation, mindfulness, journaling, breathing and emotional regulation I was able to stabilize myself enough to get off my medications and after many years being off the medications, all diagnosis were dismissed from my charts. Though I appeared to be stable and felt stable my life was rather beautiful on the outside I had created happiness through everything around me. My house, car, I had a career, a beautiful family, the healthiest physically I had ever been and had proved the doctors wrong. Life was great or so I thought…
Then at 32 my life fell apart. I was getting a divorce and my entire infrastructure for happiness had been ripped out from under me and I was an absolute mess. Suicide again became a regular part of my thoughts and all of the techniques, mantras, breathing I had learned and used for so long to regulate no longer worked. I continued to self-destruct for over a year until I was threatened with the possibility of losing my job.
This was the beginning of my journey back home to my own answers within. Most of my life, I had been a major outsourcer — looking for clues to who I was in personality tests, astrology readings and every quiz imaginable. This time was different. I was clearing away the noise that was holding me back from my own answers within. The journey was that of forgiveness and love. The forgiveness of myself was just as important as the forgiveness for others.
This is why I do what I do. I know the depths of the darkness. I have been there time and time again and I have done the healing to find my way back to the light where love and forgiveness flow freely. I never want another person to not have the opportunity to experience peace and love that is innate to them.
Sometimes our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. Can you share a story about a mistake or failure which you now appreciate has taught you a valuable lesson?
My grandfather left because I wasn’t good enough. My stepfather left because I was difficult. My father left because life was overwhelming. Then my husband left because I wasn’t enough–so I thought. These were the narratives driving my actions, reactions and outlook on life for decades. All of the male’s in my life left me, and in turn I internalized this belief that it was because of me and I was unworthy of love from any male.
For over 3 decades I viewed the “mistakes” in my life as problems within me which needed to be “corrected” for them to stop, though every time I would “correct” the actions in my “mistake” a similar scenario would play out with essentially the same outcome — separation.
I tried my hardest to prove my worth by setting aside my own values and feelings to please the men in my life hoping this would “correct” the “mistake”. I was a chameleon constantly changing to what I thought I needed to present in order to be worthy of love. I did my best every time to be exactly what I thought they needed me to be so they didn’t leave and it never worked; they always left.
Why did I continuously encounter this same situation in my life? I was doing the actions to “correct” my mistakes. My husband leaving me was the final “mistake” that no matter how hard I tried to “correct” it, I was internally falling apart. That is when I realized this was so much deeper than just a change in behavior but rather a journey of deep forgiveness. It wasn’t as easy as just forgiving my ex-husband, that wouldn’t be possible without doing the deep work of understanding myself at the deepest level to uncover why I had attracted such an event into my life.
This began my journey of re-bonding with my inner child to understand, love and heal her. Only by rebuilding the relationship with her was I able to see these “mistakes” of the men in my life leaving me and the role my own belief in my worthiness played in that. By understanding this and taking ownership gave me the power back again over my own life and the power to truly forgive myself for not only the divorce but also my behaviors while going through and after the divorce.
Through my healing journey I have come to believe time doesn’t exist, and everything is happening now. Mistakes are happening now, forgiveness is happening now, expressing and receiving love is all happening now. I came to this conclusion many times and the first time I experienced this is when I found forgiveness for myself and my ex-husband. When I was able to feel forgiveness for my ex-husband I realized it also extended to my grandfather, step-father and father though the forgiveness was not consciously directed at them, it subconsciously impacted all of those “mistakes” I had encountered along my journey here.
I also no longer believe there is such a thing as a “mistake”. I now believe that everything is intentionally occurring in my life as an opportunity to practice forgiveness and love or an opportunity to reiterate the narrative playing in my mind of separation, shame, guilt and unworthiness of love. My divorce could have been seen as another “mistake” that I needed to correct my behavior for, but if that was the case I would have just continued to feed my narrative of separation and new events of separation would have just continued to present themself. Instead I saw this as the opportunity it was and because I did, I was not only able to forgive myself and my ex husband but decades of hurt that I had experienced in my life.
By shifting my perspective to seeing interactions and scenarios in my life that produce shame, guilt, anger and pain from “mistakes” to opportunities I am taking ownership. I have the ability to heal them and life is no longer happening to me instead it is happening for me.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
1. Love
The driving force for creating my business began with my ability to love myself at a level I never knew was possible and I wanted to share it with others. For almost three decades my life was one of fear and any relationship or status I obtained always fell apart. It never made sense because I was doing everything I was “supposed” to. My goal was never love and when I changed my goals in life to focus on love for myself and others is when my life started to reflect love. Now, instead of things falling apart, they continue to build because this time my foundation is not of fear but rather a foundation of love. Even if I lost everything again tomorrow, this time I have love which withstands the test of time and I would be able to rebuild. Love is my driving force in everything I do today and love is indestructible, it’s the foundation of my success as a leader.
2. Forgiveness
Finding forgiveness for my past relationships, father, ex-husband and grandfather has allowed me to understand my worth. Once I was able to forgive my ex-husband, I began to heal all my other male relationships. Through my journey, I realized that the answer to love was forgiveness and by helping others to forgive, I continue to grow. Forgiving others created forgiveness for myself. To forgive uncovered love and love revealed the inner voice with all of the answers I had been searching for my entire life. Without forgiveness, I can not have love. By forgiving I am able to experience love, and continue to fuel the love that is my foundation.
3. Listening
Listening is not sitting and absorbing information. It is conversing soul to soul, hearing, understanding and honoring the true message behind the words. This is the ability to guide people to their own answers by reflecting back what you hear. Being a social worker, mentor, and a great listener is essential in walking others to their own healing. This requires a knack to see past the illusion created by the ego and uncover the truth within. Only by hearing my internal truth, am I able to work with others. Some clients refer to me as the “Ego Whisperer”.
What are some of the most interesting or exciting new projects you are working on now? How do you think that will help people?
I am currently in the process of building an amazing community of women who are tired of searching for their answers externally and ready to dive deep, with the support of other women on the journey back home to their answers within. This community starts out with a 6-week fast track container that focuses on unlocking greater self-confidence, rekindling self-love, and creating deeper relationships with yourself and others by harnessing and honoring the power of your inner child.
After the 6 weeks are completed there is a master mind filled with women ready to continue on their journey home not alone but with others. The community is constantly growing as am I, so as I continue growing on my own journey so do the containers that I facilitate. So come check me out on social media to find out what new unicorn magic I am creating!
OK, thank you for all of that. Let’s now shift to the main focus of our interview, about the interface between self-care and mental health. From where you stand personally or professionally, why are you so passionate about mental well-being?
When I was faced at thirty-two with the reality of my divorce and losing everything that created my happiness it was all external. I was physically the healthiest and most fit I had ever been and practicing what I thought was self-care such as bubble baths, pedicures, time with the girls and other “me time” activities this “should” have been the foundation for me to at minimum survive this divorce but in all reality it was not.
I was faced with the realization that the only sustainable healing that will get you through anything is the healing of the mind and reconnecting with the voice within. I found that everything I had placed all of my focus on was a facade for true self-care. In fact it felt like it contributed to my mental well-being because it provided happiness in the moment. When life fell apart none of those things were going to see me through this destruction. All I had to rely on was me, and my mental well-being which was non-existent because I had never done the work of forgiveness to find my answers and love within.
Along my healing journey I so often heard people say “get out of your mind and into your body” and so I did. I participated in activities that fully grounded me into my body and bypassed my mind such as energy healing, meditation, yoga and breathwork. I was quick to realize that this was again another facade that was encouraging me to avoid going to the one place that true healing can occur — the mind, because when things got tough I would again fall apart.
I dove deep into mindset work which included activities like affirmations, future visioning, cold showers, ice baths, vision boards etc. which again was an absolutely beautiful journey. This provided me with insight into where I wanted to be and what I was capable of as long as life was going as planned. When life got remotely tough or off track all of this would go out the window and I would head straight back down the same path of complete and utter self destruction.
I was quick to realize that the mind creates everything. Therefore the mind is the only place to find true healing and to understand my soul’s purpose. I kept learning more about different healing modalities and the mind I realized if you don’t have mental healing and clarity, mindset alone is not sufficient for healing. Lack of healing will hinder your body, environment, the loved ones in your life, and the whole collective consciousness. We are all connected through the collective consciousness which is in fact the mind and not the body. We must heal the mind so that we no longer need to escape to the body.
Body and mindset work can be beneficial to one’s journey, though I believe the only place where sustainable and withstand-able healing can occur is fully in the mind. Healing is not only changing the way you view the current situation but also uncovering the reason for your thoughts and views so you can forgive and choose again.
Based on your research or experience, how exactly does self-care impact our mental wellness?
The fact you are willing to take time for self-care is the first step in showing yourself you love yourself and love is the healing power behind all.
Here is our primary question. Can you please share your “Top Five Selfcare Practices That Each Of Us Can Use To Improve Our Mental Wellness”?
1. Become an Active Participant in Daily Gratitude Practices.
The practice of gratitude is probably one of the most common self care practices talked about and recommended. Often the recommendation is to journal every day what you are grateful for and is a fabulous place to begin and where I start most of my clients, for many it is also the end. Sustainable change commences with integrating what we have learned throughout the day to become part of who we are rather than a checkbox on our to-do list. To take the typical gratitude practice to the next level, begin sharing your gratitude for others with others. For example, send a voice message to a friend you are grateful for, acknowledging them and what you are grateful for in your relationship with them. By sharing your gratitude with others, you will begin to be a person of gratitude in lieu of a person who is exclusively grateful. When you become a person who is of gratitude you will find joy in the simplest of tasks and relationships including finding gratitude for complete strangers.
2. Pay Attention to The Words You Use to Describe Yourself and Know You Have The Ability to Choose Differently at Any Time.
Anything that comes after “I am” are words to pay extra attention to. They are describing you in terms of an identity that you are owning and when you state something as an identity you take on everything that comes with that identity without waiver. The subconscious is always listening and the subconscious does not know the difference between reality and pretend or truth and joking. If you say “I am a high anxiety person” your subconscious will store it as truth and will be searching for ways to affirm the statement, creating a state of constant anxiety in you because you are a “high anxiety person”. Choose words that reflect an experience rather than an identity and know you can always change the statement afterwards. You are in no obligation to be who you were 5 minutes ago. With anything stated after “I am” being so powerful this also means you can use it to positively impact your mental health. Say you want to start working out because you want to be healthier. Instead of saying I will workout every day, state “I am a person whom exercises daily”, because this will embody the entire identity which brings all of the characteristics with it and your subconscious will remind you of that. You will be able to push through the pain, make time for this and exercise even on days in the past you would not have. You are now in the belief of a person who exercises daily not a person wanting to exercise daily.
3. Pay Attention to What You Are Consuming.
No I do not mean what are you eating but instead what are you mentally and emotionally consuming. Frequently for self-care we are told to eat healthy and workout which are great things to do but again the mind is what we need to work on so why are we not paying attention to what we consume there? Do an audit weekly or daily on what you have consumed, including news articles, television, music, social media and conversations.
Audit your consumption based on one thing: did this act of consuming induce love and joy or something else? If your answer is something else, you are feeding the mind with garbage that will eventually rot it. As presented earlier, our subconscious does not know the difference between reality and pretend so if you consumed something that provoked fear for example a scary movie the mind and your body saw this as happening to you so it was stored in that way. If you are consuming information that induces fear, anger, sadness and other loveless emotions, one way to lessen these emotions in your life is to stop consuming information that provokes them. If you are sad instead listen to happy music, at first it may be uncomfortable or irritating but eventually it will begin to impact your current mood.
Pay special attention to the things playing in the “background” while you are doing other activities. These things are going straight to the subconscious and programing you without your awareness, they are more impactful than what you are consciously consuming! Television is not called PROGRAMING out of coincidence. That is exactly it’s job to program your mind without your awareness!
4. Practice Daily Forgiveness and Love For Others.
The hardest person for us to forgive and love is ourselves. Our ability to forgive and love others is much easier but by forgiving and loving others we are actually showing love and forgiveness to ourselves. This daily practice through lifting others up is actually lifting you up as well. Forgiveness does not mean we must agree with one’s actions, but instead signifies that though their actions were upsetting to you, they are still worthy of love.
5. Play.
Lastly make sure to integrate play into your daily schedule even for only a five minute dance party! Play is such an integral part of mental-well being. It reminds us how life is not meant to be heavy and filled with darkness but rather a means to the light which can be found here as well! When scheduling play make sure it is intentional, there are no rules or expectations other than to let go of any anxiety based emotion. Some examples include dancing, art, reading, writing, building anything that lights you up inside and when you do it you completely lose track of time and what is happening around you! In the process of play you are also re-bonding with your inner child and allowing them to feel safe, when they feel safe they will begin sharing with the things which are ruling your life because they need healing.
Can you please share a few of the main roadblocks that prevent people from making better self-care choices? What would you suggest can be done to overcome those roadblocks?
I would say lack of awareness is one of the biggest roadblocks that prevent people from making better self-care choices. The only ability to choose differently is to know why you chose the way you did in the first place. You can not change a behavior or identity without first knowing why you chose the old one to begin with.
Then I believe it comes back to forgiveness. When we get into ruts of not caring for ourselves we build up shame and guilt which causes us to treat ourselves like crap even more. It is a vicious cycle that requires intention and forgiveness to change. Forgiveness for yourself for not loving yourself, as well as knowing you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
Lastly I think the master behind the curtain in all of this is the ego. When we are mentally well the ego has no place and will do anything it can to put obstacles in your way and make excuses to keep you from doing the work to truly find mental healing. Fear is the main tool of the ego, when you feel fear know it is being created to keep you stuck and this is a sign for you to lean back into love. Fear is the opposite of love, anytime you are not coming from a place of love you are coming from a place of fear. Since we created the ego it is hard for us to turn our back on it because it promises shiny things like money and status but in the end we can choose love and forgiveness instead.
In one sentence, what would you say to someone who doesn’t prioritize their mental well-being?
When did you decide that you were unworthy of love?
Thank you for all that great insight! Let’s start wrapping up. Can you share your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Why does this quote resonate with you so much?
“We’re all just walking each other home” -Ram Dass
This quote is a reminder that we are not alone in this journey, we can only heal by forgiving others, receive love by giving love and learn through teaching. The truth can only be reached by the way of your fellow brother, as we are all in the end of one mind.
We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world or in the US whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? They might just see this, especially if we both tag them :-)
There are two people that have had the greatest impact on my healing journey. Brene Brown’s lecture/audible saved my life. After my divorce I was filled with so much shame and guilt I was partaking in behaviors that could have killed me. When I listened to The Power of Vulnerability it allowed me to see this shame and guilt could be healed by me. This lecture gave me the hope and strength I needed. I recommend this book to anyone on the journey of healing and forgiveness.
Gary R. Renard, his book The Disappearance of The Universe spoke straight to my inner voice and led me to the path I have always been searching for and an understanding of the depths of the healing I had done. I recommend this book to anyone who feels called to it, this is a book that does not land in your lap or spark your interest by happenstance.
I truly appreciate your time and valuable contribution. One last question. How can our readers best reach or follow you?
I can be found on Instagram @ash_abramson or send me an email ashley@coachwithashley.net I would absolutely love to connect and hear your take on the topics I have discussed today! Remember YOU are worth it!
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.
