Shelby John On How To Achieve Great Success After Recovering From An Addiction

An Interview With Penny Bauder

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You will hear this if you walk into the rooms of any twelve-step program. That’s because its true. If you keep doing the same things, you will likely keep getting the same results. The disease of addiction will get worse, never better, if you continue to drink and drug. The only thing you are asked to change is everything. But not all at once. You will slowly but surely, if you invite others to join you on your journey to sobriety, wake up to life the longer you stay sober. You brain will begin to clear, your body will heal, people might start coming around again. Take a look at your life and ask yourself, what is one thing I can do today to move myself forward? There are always choices even when we don’t think we have any. But nothing in your life will change if you don’t change.

When people are trapped in a severe addiction it can feel like there is no way out and there is no hope for a better future. This is of course not true. Millions of people are in recovery from an addiction and they go on to lead successful, fulfilling and inspiring lives.

Authority Magazine started a new series about women who were able to achieve great success after recovering from an addiction. The premise of the series is to offer hope and inspiration to people who feel trapped in similar circumstances.

As a part of this series we had the pleasure to interview Shelby John

Shelby is a woman with long term sobriety since July 1, 2002. She has been married to her high school sweetheart for twenty-three years and has three teenage children. Shelby is a licensed clinical social worker with a private practice where she specializes in trauma, addiction and anxiety. Shelby also has an online community for sober women with established recovery who want to have fulfilling relationships, healthier bodies, and the confidence to pursue the desires of their hearts. You can learn more on her website www.shelbyjohncoaching.com.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood “backstory”?

I was born and raised in Harford County, Maryland, a suburban county northeast of Baltimore. My mom was married at nineteen and had me at twenty-one and my sister three years later. When I was five my biological father left our family for another woman and essentially abandoned us. My mother later got remarried to a wonderful man who took us all in as his own. They had one son together that completed our family and we all called him Dad. My childhood was good, with everything I needed and most things I wanted. We were deeply loved and cared for. Despite this there was always an undercurrent of chaos inside of me. I know now looking back that was anxiety, but we didn’t call it that back then. By middle school the negative beliefs about myself not being good enough, smart enough or pretty enough grew stronger. I never really felt like I fit in, but of course from the outside it seemed like I had the perfect life. I met my now husband in high school and we started dating in our junior year. Those negative beliefs about myself only increased and my insides grew darker with time.

Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers how you were initially introduced to your addiction? What drew you to the addiction you had?

Sure. I was always surrounded by a lot of alcohol. My parents and extended family and their friends were drinkers and they loved to entertain with parties and big holiday celebrations, so heavy drinking was normal to me. In my senior year in high school, I started to experiment with alcohol a little and I was immediately attracted to the affect of it. But in college is where things really took off. The depression and feeling of not fitting in really grew during those years and of course the drinking culture in college make it all “normal”. I struggled to develop meaningful connections with people. I was lost. I also began struggling with food as well and was restricting my intake and became obsessed with weight and exercise. Although I did smoke a lot of marijuana, drugs weren’t really a part of my story. I always say I am blessed they never really crossed my path because I am sure I would have liked them. Alcohol was accessible and socially acceptable, so it worked. And it allowed me to escape the constant negative thinking and self-hatred that plagued me every day.

As you know, addictions are often an attempt to mask an underlying problem. In your experience, what do you think you were really masking or running from in the first place? Can you explain?

I believe there was underlying trauma related to the abandonment by my father that affected my brain and manifested into the not good enough belief about myself. Despite the effort and love my parents gave, it couldn’t make up for the trauma stain that was left from that time. I just always felt less than. Never enough. And nothing ever took that away, not a connection with God, not love from my parents or husband, not food or exercise. So, I guess I would say I was running from myself. There was no space where I could imagine I was ok. That I was loveable and capable in this world.

Can you share what the lowest point in your addiction and life was?

It’s tough to share only one. I would say my second suicide attempt was a low moment. So many people were involved and affected by that situation and although I remember the pain (I hope I never forget that), it was incredibly selfish and so hurtful to people I love. Laying in the hospital bed (which I barely remember) and telling my mother, the woman who carried me for nine months, that I thought she would be the happiest of all if I was gone, is a pretty low point.

Was there a tipping point that made you decide that you needed to change? Can you please share the story?

At the end of my drinking, I was attending a conference for work. One of the nights I went out and got super drunk and blacked out. The next morning, I was called out of the keynote speaker session by some authorities and questioned for over an hour about an incident that occurred the night before that I had absolutely no recollection of. It was embarrassing and potentially life-altering. I returned home and my parents and husband took me to rehab. I always knew I was crazy but truly didn’t think alcohol had anything to do with it so wasn’t walking in there with my hand raised saying my name is Shelby and I am an alcoholic. Nope. The tipping point for me was being in that treatment center completely oblivious as to why I was there and believing at any moment my family as going to come get me. No one came. About two weeks into my treatment, it was my birthday and I sat outside on the beautiful lawn overlooking the Susquehanna River. I cried out to God and asked for help and experienced my first spiritual awakening. After that I knew I had to start paying attention and begin this journey of recovery one day at a time.

Can you tell us the story about how you were able to overcome your addiction?

I completed a 28-day program and after that they recommended I attend Alcoholics Anonymous and get a sponsor. So I did that. I had been sober long enough to begin to feel a major difference physically. Mentally I was a hot mess, but my body was feeling better. And I had hope. I was told my life never had to be that way again and I believed them. So I followed the directions. It wasn’t easy and I didn’t truly believe I was an alcoholic for about eighteen months, but I did what I was told because I was too scared not to. One day at a time I didn’t take a drink or any mood-altering substances and began building a life I didn’t want to escape from. I had a lot of support from my family and my husband which was critical for success. I don’t believe I will ever truly arrive; I will never be done. This work continues every day as I learn the confidence necessary to love my life beyond recovery.

How did you reconcile within yourself and to others the pain that addiction caused to you and them? Can you please share a story about that?

I got sober in AA, and that meant following the twelve steps. I am fortunate that I was told early on AA isn’t the only way to get sober, its just the way I knew at the time. Today we have so much more to offer. I worked closely with a sponsor and I also got outside help with therapy. There was a lot of reparations to be made. The shame and guilt that comes from living in active addiction is for real and the damage we do sometimes can’t be repaired. But we get better. Fortunately for me, therapy was amazing. And I was introduced to other wonderful resources along the way like meditation, acupuncture and natural wellness. Making amends wasn’t easy but I followed the program exactly how it was outlined for me and did what was recommended. What I have learned almost two decades later is even with all that, sometimes you must do more. Sometimes the people in your life need recognition, apologies, and love in specific ways due to the damage you have done, even many years later. And I am here for it. I have shown up in ways I would have never imagined I would because I know that when I do this work of healing my relationships are more fulfilling, my body is healthier and there aren’t any barriers to the things I want to pursue.

When you stopped your addiction, what did you do to fill in all the newfound time you had?

When I got sober, I was a young professional with a husband, a house and a dog. I went to twelve step meetings every day, then added in therapy and at about six months sober I decided I was ready to have a baby. I was twenty-seven years old, things were going great, and I felt it was time. Then I had three kids in four years. Of course, I would never trade it for the world, but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend doing that either. So, there wasn’t much extra time. I will say in those early months I was focused on following directions. I had to relearn how to do the basics in life like get enough sleep, wake up, take care of personal hygiene, go to work, eat regular meals etc. So honestly, just relearning those basics and applying them in my everyday life took up a lot of time. Then of course we had a family to raise. We still had a lot of fun too, we socialized and went to events, I just didn’t drink. Later I started my private practice and then my online business so truly I can’t think of a period when for me there has ever been excess time.

What positive habits have you incorporated into your life, post addiction, to keep you on the right path?

Early on it was all about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was focused on getting to meetings and following directions to repair the wreckage that was my life. Building strong habits and routines has been part of this work for me since the beginning. I have a specific morning routine that involves some quiet time for myself with coffee, some readings and prayer. Over the years I have experimented with other things to keep it fresh. I also believe an evening routine is critical for building healthy sleep hygiene. Other areas for me have always been around nutrition and physical activity. Vitality is one of my personal core values, so I try to maintain a lifestyle that keeps all those things at the forefront. I also do things like use my regular hygiene for self-care. For example, my skin care routine is quite spa-like. I use a DIY oil-based face wash that I take a minute or two to massage on my face really giving myself the care I deserve at the end of the day and then lightly press a hot washcloth over my face to allow it to penetrate all of my pores. It feels so good. Transforming our daily habits and routines is a huge key to successful living beyond recovery.

Can you tell us a story about the success that you achieved after you began your recovery?

Truly I believe my whole life has been a success. Getting and staying sober is likely one of the hardest things we will ever do and not to be minimized. In my recovery I have repaired and maintained my marriage for over 23 years now. I gave birth to three amazing and beautiful children who have never seen their mother drink. They are teenagers now and of course we have been through many challenges the last few years. The success I have built in recovery and the work I have done on building emotional sobriety has allowed me to be present and come along side them in some of the most challenge times of their lives. The pain is for real, but I remind myself the blessing it is to be present. I also started a private practice where I serve people struggling with their own trauma in a very specific way. My passion for sober women and desire to reach even more with my own experience led me to start an online coaching practice. I built a community of women in my Facebook group, Confident Sober Women, where I teach and serve them daily. I also have a group coaching program with a ton of coursework as well as weekly coaching designed to help sober women love their lives beyond recovery.

What character traits have you transferred from your addiction to your current achievements? Please share both the positive and negative.

That’s an interesting question. I have carried over some of the negative traits because they are parts of my nature. Things I must actively work on to prevent myself from old thinking or relapse. The negative thinking patterns I struggled with in my younger years were still very present throughout my recovery. I worked hard on them and learned how to identify them and then ultimately reverse them in the moment. With time and more self-love, they were diminished and today I would say mostly gone. However, there are times when they creep in particularly with stress and overwhelm, but I can use the tools I have learned and the frequency and duration of them is much less. In active addiction I was very focused and driven. I worked hard for the things I wanted to achieve, but often the motivation was for the wrong reasons and became destructive. Those traits are still with me and have grown healthier. I am a go-getter, especially when it comes to helping people, and I am always willing to learn and put in the time to move forward towards a goal.

Ok super. Here is the main question of our interview. Can you share five pieces of advice that you would give to a person who is struggling with some sort of addiction but ashamed to speak about it or get help?

There would be so much to say to anyone I come across who wants to deal with their addiction and have the freedom that comes with recovery. But to keep it to 5:

1. What happened to you isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility. So often the trauma people endure creates the vicious cycle of addiction that leads to feelings of desperation, hopelessness and shame. We layer those with other situations in life that perpetuate the feelings of lack, the belief that you are broken, that it’s your fault and you are unlovable. What happened to you isn’t your fault. There is much evil in this world and sadly what people do to children (and adults) leaves the kinds of trauma stains on the brain that can’t be corrected without treatment. But taking control of your life today is always your responsibility. Of course, you don’t do it alone, we all need helping hands along the way. You do have to do it though. No one is coming to lift you off the floor and pick up the phone to call for help. No one can make you get to meetings, stop drinking and using or go to therapy to heal those wounds. Only you can do it.
2. Nothing worth doing is easy. Getting and staying sober will likely be the hardest thing you have done in your life. The shame and guilt most people carry after years of living as an addict makes it hard to even think about looking others in the eye and asking for help. The best part of that though, is millions of people have already done it before you. So, you will NEVER be alone. Whether you choose to go to rehab, twelve step groups or use some other form of recovery program the people you will meet in those spaces have been there. They will laugh with you as you tell horrific stories and love you until you can love yourself. You might be afraid of failure, of disappointing people of the pain that comes from healing our lives. But when you do it anyway, you begin to build a life you don’t want to escape from. You restore your sanity, and you have choices.
3. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You will hear this if you walk into the rooms of any twelve-step program. That’s because its true. If you keep doing the same things, you will likely keep getting the same results. The disease of addiction will get worse, never better, if you continue to drink and drug. The only thing you are asked to change is everything. But not all at once. You will slowly but surely, if you invite others to join you on your journey to sobriety, wake up to life the longer you stay sober. You brain will begin to clear, your body will heal, people might start coming around again. Take a look at your life and ask yourself, what is one thing I can do today to move myself forward? There are always choices even when we don’t think we have any. But nothing in your life will change if you don’t change.
4. Addiction is a choice, and recovery is as well. At the end of my drinking, I was filled with fear. I knew what alcoholism was, I was educated after all. And despite slogans like “one day at a time,” I knew that this really meant that I couldn’t drink forever. That was definitely not something I was interested in at the time. I was compliant with going to treatment because it didn’t seem like I had a whole lot of other options (even though of course I had choices). My addiction had been a choice I made for years. I often made that decision without acknowledging it. My recovery and sobriety were a choice as well. One I made with intention. I stepped into recovery and never looked back. You, like millions of others, can make this decision just for today, for an hour, to not pick up a drink or a drug. Most likely you won’t be able to do it alone so honestly, why not ask for help.
5. There is a God (insert your version) and I am not him, thank God. You never have to do this alone. Even when you feel like you are in the darkest, dingiest most hopeless pit in the world, you are not alone. There is always a way out, even when you can’t see it, there is and likely someone else knows it. Trying to do sobriety on my own never worked. I was only as successful as my willingness to truly surrender my life to the care of something outside myself. Letting go of the idea that you have control over things in your life is a huge part of getting sober. Of course, there are some things we can control, but much of life we cannot. Step aside!!

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.

Anne Lamott. Anne is a woman with very long-term sobriety and a best selling author of many books. She has so much wisdom about life and love and living beyond sobriety. I admire her wit, knowledge, and dedication to the recovery community.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

You can follow me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/shelby.john and I have a group for sober women called Confident Sober Women, www.facebook.com/groups/confidentsoberwomen. You can also check out my website www.shelbyjohncoaching.com.

Thank you for these fantastic insights. We greatly appreciate the time you spent on this.