#Speakup for National Child Abuse Awareness and Sexual Assault Awareness Month
The night before April 1st, (Child Sexual Prevention and Sexual Assault Awareness Month) my Facebook feed was filled with posts from survivors of child abuse and sexual assault. My gut began to wrench the second I read the first post, from PK Hill. She posted, “April is Child Abuse Prevention and Sexual Assault Awareness month. Disgraceful that we need a month. It is time to #Speakup for Survivors. This is a photograph of me as a child. By posting this photo I am honoring the courage of all survivors. Join me. On your timeline or here.” PK Hill, a survivor of pedophile by nuns, has given numerous media interviews telling viewers about the pain and long term impact this has had on her life. After PK was interviewed by Nikki Battiste on CBS News in January 40 more people came forward about their alleged abuse by nuns. Her courage to come forward helped dozens of others speak up about living through similar experiences.
As I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed I thought about several times during my childhood when I tried to find ways to tell myself and others what happened to me. I had no words. I did not even know what to call what was happening to me. It wasn’t until years after I started seeing a therapist that I began telling my story about my extensive childhood sexual abuse history.
I continued reading posts about other people who had survived similar traumas and then I began thinking about all the patients I have counseled through the years. I started my private practice for psychotherapy a few years after I broke my silence about my abuse. Part of me wanted to curl up in a ball and cry as I read more stories on the #Speakup thread. I felt sad for myself, my friends and all the patients I have been working with through the years and how life is forever changed after any kind of abuse. Rather than sit in the sadness I decided to use this as another opportunity to help the world understand the complexity of recovery and the hope that comes from speaking up!
I came across another post by a Facebook friend and abuse warrior, Michelle Stolleis Denault. She posted a picture of herself at fourteen years old for #Speakup. She wrote, “Wow. Wow. Was I young.” Michelle has been speaking out about the grooming process done to her by the man that abused her during high school. She has been the voice for survivors around the world that have lived in silence and shame for decades after being manipulated and eventually sexually abused by authority figures.
Through social media outlets, people are talking openly about the shame, fear and distrust that follows childhood abuse and assault. The dialogue provides comfort and hope to survivors, friends of survivors, advocates and those working in the psychology field. One of the worst parts of abuse is the alienation and feeling misunderstood. Many of my patients have talked in therapy about feeling alone. Repeatedly, they say things to me like, “I don’t want to be one of ‘those’ people, referring to victims of sexual trauma. They also tell me they wished they could just be normal. I say back, “It is not you that is not normal, it is what happened to you that is not normal.”
Pk Hill and Michelle have shared numerous times on Facebook about times when they go into feelings of shame and fear. They have talked about the way their bodies have kept score by holding onto the physical and sensory memories associated with their abuse. They have talked about how most survivors of abuse and assault are not hurt by strangers. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) someone is sexually assaulted every 92 seconds. Of those with a childhood abuse history, seventy-nine percent were sexually abused by a family member.
So what can we do as a society to better inform the public and instill hope in the millions of men and women around the world suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after living through these kind of traumas? Organizations around the country are holding vigils and rallies in support of survivors. Advocates are fighting to change laws and abolish the statute of limitations if a victim wants to seek justice years after the crimes took place.
My hope is that more people will find a way to speak and get support for themselves and those that love them. Recovery is a long, painful and complex process. It is possible to find ways to live with the triggers that follow abuse. It is possible to find ways to deal with the body memories that follow abuse when someone buries their abuse. It is possible to find ways to trust again, whether that be your partner, your teacher, your therapist, your best friend or authority figure.
I was talking to someone earlier today who has recently began remembering and speaking about horrific things that were done to her during her childhood and with a partner. She asked me, “Am I going to feel like I want to die for the rest of my life?” We spoke about the process of working through extensive trauma and to keep coming back to the question, “Why now am I doing this?” She was able to put into words her wishes to be a parent, and to feel safe with her current partner, whom she adores.
If PK Hill, Michelle, my patients or any of us continued to live our lives with such horrific secrets, we would be much less likely to live fully. For survivors, living fully does not mean getting over what happened to us. It means finding ways to live with what happened to us. It means finding people we can talk to when our past and present collide. It means finding ways to love the parts of our younger selves that got the most hurt. It is crucial to develop self-care strategies so when the PTSD symptoms emerge we have a way to place them and make space to be more present.
Unfortunately there is no way to prevent predators from acting on their pathology. What we can do is keep educating our children and society about abuse and assault. We can continue to have conversations about what to do if someone has been hurt. We can take advantage of the media attention throughout the month of April and continue spreading words of hope and healing. Society is becoming more tolerant and accepting that these kind of traumas occur. More people are coming forward about what happened to them. It is never too late to speak or get help. And there is nothing more freeing than having someone say that they believe you and they hear you. #Speakup will help many people suffering save their own lives! There are organizations around the country people can contact if they need resources or want to get help.
