Suzette Mullen Of Your Story Finder On How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally
An Interview With Maria Angelova
Your authenticity and vulnerability has a ripple effect: Others notice a new ease and lightness in you and want that for themselves. Helping others be more themselves is a huge win!
Being vulnerable and authentic are some of today’s popular buzzwords. It may seem counterintuitive to be vulnerable, as many of us have been taught to project an air of confidence, be a boss, and act like we know everything. In Brene Brown’s words, “vulnerability takes courage.” So is vulnerability a strength or a weakness? Can someone be authentic without being vulnerable? How can being authentic and vulnerable help someone grow both personally and professionally? In this interview series, we are talking to business leaders, mental health professionals and business and life coaches who can share stories and examples of “How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally.” As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Suzette Mullen.
Suzette Mullen (she/her) is a memoir and nonfiction book coach, retreat leader, and the author of the memoir The Only Way Through Is Out, forthcoming February 13, 2024 from the University of Wisconsin Press. As a book coach, Suzette helps amplify the voices of LGBTQ+ writers as she guides them to find their deeper stories and define their big ideas. A graduate of Harvard Law School and Wellesley College, Suzette made a big leap personally and professionally at midlife and now lives in Pennsylvania with her wife and their rescue pup.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I grew up in the 1960s in suburban New York with a younger sister and two public school teacher parents who placed a high value on safety and expressed their love that way. For example, when I was a baby my dad would lift my carriage over the curb so I wouldn’t feel the bumps. I grew up believing that life was about being careful, not making mistakes, following the rules, and avoiding the bumps of life. My upbringing was a great recipe for a safe life but not necessarily for a vulnerable and authentic life.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
The line “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” from Mary Oliver’s poem “A Summer Day” shook me to the core in midlife when I was attempting to discern what I wanted my next chapter to look like. While this quote is a question rather than a statement, it contains a powerful life lesson: Life is a gift. Don’t take it for granted and don’t waste it. As a result, I’ve approached this chapter of life with more intentionality, purpose, and agency than ever before.
Is there a particular book, podcast, or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
When I was trying to decide whether to stay in my safe, comfortable life or step into an unknown future, I felt so alone. A close friend handed me She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders, a memoir by Jennifer Finney Boylan. “Your situation is different,” this friend said, referring to the fact that I was questioning my sexuality, not my gender identity as Boylan was, “but I think you will relate to it.” As I turned the pages of this book, I felt as if the author was traveling in my head. She gave words to feelings I hadn’t yet been able to express. Reading her story made me feel seen, less alone, and eventually empowered to step into a more authentic life, which is precisely the impact I hope my memoir The Only Through Is Out will have on readers.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Let’s begin with a definition of terms so that each of us and our readers are on the same page. What exactly does being authentic mean?
Authentic means your insides and your outsides match. It means presenting the same face to the world as the one you present to yourself. It means being comfortable in your skin. It means no longer hiding in whatever closet you’ve been in. For me, being authentic meant leaving a long-term, mixed-gender marriage and coming out as gay. It also meant leaving the law and stepping into a new career as a book coach and author.
What does being vulnerable mean? Can you explain?
Being vulnerable means listening to the voice inside you even when it’s calling you to something terrifying. It means trusting yourself even when the world is sending you different messages. It means saying yes to what you know to be true even when you fear there will be a cost and profound loss.
What are the positive aspects of being authentic and vulnerable? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
For years, I felt as if I had a small cloud hovering over me, a heaviness I couldn’t explain because I had a life that looked pretty darned perfect on the outside. One day shortly after I came out, I felt a lightness I hadn’t felt before even though I had no idea what my future would look like. Years later, I walked home after a full day of playing with words — book coaching and writing — and felt the same lightness. There’s a beautiful freedom that comes from living authentically and vulnerably. Feeling fully alive — personally and professionally — is a gift I don’t take for granted.
Are there negative aspects to authenticity and vulnerability? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
Authenticity and vulnerability come at a cost. When one person changes, every relationship they are in changes. Sometimes that doesn’t go well. You can lose friends, family members, status in the community, financial security, even a job. I lost friends — fortunately not too many — when I left my marriage and came out. And I lost a lifetime of heterosexual privilege as well. Being authentic and vulnerable is scary and risky. You might try something new and fall on your face. You might feel like an imposter. These are real fears that many of my clients face as they put their story and their life and their writing out into the world to be judged. These are fears I’ve faced in my professional life and continue to face on the cusp of the publication of my memoir.
From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common barriers that hold someone back from being authentic and vulnerable?
In addition to the potential losses and costs I mentioned earlier, in my experience fear and self-doubt are the main barriers that hold people back from stepping into their authentic selves. Can I really do this? Am I capable of living differently? Is it too late for me? I certainly asked myself these questions as I contemplated a very different life both personally and professionally at midlife. Finally, there’s the fear of causing others pain, of feeling selfish for going after your desires, of not wanting to appear to be a jerk. Those fears and concerns held me back from living authentically for a very long time.
What are five ways that being authentic and vulnerable pay off, and help you win, both personally and professionally?
1. Holding back in one area of your life holds you back in all areas of your life. Living authentically and vulnerably in your personal life has a positive spillover effect to your professional life.
2. As you feel more comfortable in your own skin, you exude more confidence and people — including clients — will be attracted to that confidence.
3. Your authenticity and vulnerability has a ripple effect: Others notice a new ease and lightness in you and want that for themselves. Helping others be more themselves is a huge win!
4. The personal relationships that matter to you deepen and grow more satisfying when you are not holding back part of yourself.
5. You will escape experiencing the top regret of the dying: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me,” because you will have done exactly that, personally and professionally. It is never too late to live out loud. It is never too late to live authentically and fully. It is never too late for a new beginning.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
Stories can change hearts and minds. Many of the queer writers I work with have been traumatized in the name of religion, shunned by family members, subjected to conversion therapy, and more. Their stories need to be told and heard. I hope to flood the world with stories like these to inspire people to see all human beings as worthy of love and respect. I want to inspire a storytelling movement that leads to a world where every human is loved just as they are.
Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!
I’d love to have lunch with Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan and get a behind-the-scenes look at the workings of the Court. As a former practicing attorney, I’m a legal geek who deeply cares about social justice and human rights, and I’d like some insight on some of the Court’s recent decisions. And who knows, maybe Justice Kagan wants to write a memoir someday and will need a book coach to help her!
How can our readers follow you online?
Please visit my website to learn more about me, my services, my memoir The Only Way Through Is Out, and to connect with me on social media.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.
