Tan France and Jennifer of The Now Me: How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself
Tan: To be completely honest, when I was a child and I pictured my skin color, I wanted to be white. I wanted to be “normal.” As I got to my teen years and especially now, I’ve come to understand the beauty of my skin color and the beauty of diversity. So, the tough question for me is why did I feel that way as a child? I think it’s important to face those hard questions. It’s also important for me to assess what I could have done differently to better understand how people feel and in turn, how I can help others. I would like to believe that we can all get to a point where we can look back on those things that weren’t so great for us and tackle them head on — and then use that strength to help others going through similar challenges.
As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Tan France & Jennifer.
We all know Tan France as the lovable and stylish co-host from Netflix’s Queer Eye. Tan’s lifelong passion is helping people feel comfortable with their own skin. This summer, he’s teamed up with people with moderate-to-severe eczema, including his new friend Jennifer, to launch a program called the The Now Me. Jennifer, now a married mother of five, has struggled with severe eczema since she was a child. Her symptoms impacted her own wedding, her life as a mom and her professional career as a labor and delivery nurse. Ultimately, Jennifer found her Now Me, and is sharing her story to empower others to find theirs.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path. Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
Tan: Yes! People who know me know I love helping people feel good about sharing the best versions of themselves to the world. That’s why I’m partnering with Sanofi and Regeneron on a program called The Now Me. The Now Me aims to empower people with moderate-to-severe eczema to feel comfortable with their own skin. Through this program, I was able to meet and learn from people living with moderate-to-severe eczema, like my friend Jennifer who’s with me today. Something that many of us take for granted, like picking out clothes, can be tough for people with this disease. Something as basic as a white tee can be especially tough if people are dealing with itchy patches on their skin that can ooze, crack and even bleed through the white fabric. That’s why we’re taking back the simple white tee and making it a symbol of empowerment for the program. What you wear is not so much about what you look like but how you feel. It is meant to inspire people living with uncontrolled moderate-to-severe eczema to see the possibilities and celebrate what we’re calling their “Now Me” moment. You can learn more on TheNowMe.com.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
Tan: I think finding self-love and self-acceptance is something we should all be working on. It’s something that I’ve worked on my entire life, and I continue to work on it today. Just because I’m in the public eye talking to people about self-love and being the best version of you doesn’t mean that I’m not still on my own journey. And that self-journey is also why I’m involved in The Now Me. I want people to feel the very best with who they are, and with their skin. To be able to do that with this program is magical. And I love that Jennifer is here to talk about her journey as well.
Jennifer: Yes, I struggled with self-love and self-acceptance for years — from childhood up until being a married mother of five and a labor and delivery nurse. My skin and my eczema were the focus of everything that I did. As a nurse, I would cry from the number of times I needed to scrub my raw hands and wrists to keep them sanitized. And, when I was treating patients, I was worried that the new moms would think my skin was contagious. My symptoms also made it hard to hold my own children because of the lesions and my skin cracking. So, there were definite struggles on my journey to what I’m calling my Now Me. Ultimately, the tipping point was finding a treatment that worked for me. Now, I’m able to go out and enjoy time with my family without worrying that people are staring at my skin. I’m able to hold newborns at the hospital and hug my kids without thinking about my skin.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
Tan: I love that we’re referencing a good Cosmo study! It does not surprise me that so many people — men, women, and non-binary — feel this way. I would like to believe that we are all moving towards self-love and self-care, and that that should be our goal. I love that there are all kinds of options for everybody out there to feel their very best and that there is a movement toward self-care. I think what people like Jennifer can offer is a reminder that we might not know what everyone is going through. Whether you are suffering from eczema or dealing with other kinds of challenges, it’s important to seek the help and support of others. For Jennifer, it was the help of her doctor, but everyone deserves the opportunity to find their “Now Me” and see that in themselves when they look in the mirror.
Jennifer: Yes, there definitely was a time where self-love was difficult. You know, I don’t keep my wedding photos around my house, because I don’t want to be reminded of how bad my skin looked. After trying a number of treatments, I basically accepted that having uncontrolled eczema was my lot in life. But I’m so grateful that fate turned me to an old friend, who ultimately became my doctor. Her genuinely caring about me contributed to my own self-care and self-love. She led me to a treatment that I had never hear of, called Dupixent or dupilumab. She took extra care to discuss the risks and benefits, including some of the most common side effects like injection site reaction, which I appreciated. While it may not work for everyone like those who may be allergic to it or its ingredients, it worked for me. Now, I’m able to be present with myself, my kids and my family and not be preoccupied with my skin. I’m able to look in the mirror and see me.
To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself it’s truly so important?
Tan: Here’s the thing. I’ve spent my whole life understanding the importance of learning to love myself, and it’s now what I do for a living. And I think it’s why I do what I do for a living, because I spent so many years so desperately afraid and alone. If there were going to be people around me who didn’t love me or what I represented, I knew that I had to find a way to love myself. I think that’s quite a common story for many people. Finding a way to love ourselves is a constant process. I desperately want to encourage other people to get there too. It is so important to be kind to ourselves. I love when people, like Jennifer, who have struggled for years can find the help they need to start to love themselves. I hope that we all have the luxury of feeling that we can love ourselves or at least get close to it; and if I can help in any way it’s that much sweeter.
When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
Tan: To be completely honest, when I was a child and I pictured my skin color, I wanted to be white. I wanted to be “normal.” As I got to my teen years and especially now, I’ve come to understand the beauty of my skin color and the beauty of diversity. So, the tough question for me is why did I feel that way as a child? I think it’s important to face those hard questions. It’s also important for me to assess what I could have done differently to better understand how people feel and in turn, how I can help others. I would like to believe that we can all get to a point where we can look back on those things that weren’t so great for us and tackle them head on — and then use that strength to help others going through similar challenges.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
Tan: Well, first, I think you can feel very much alone, regardless of your settings. I can be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel lonely. Being able to be alone is the most important component in life, and to understand that the company of others won’t necessarily make you feel happy. It’s important to enjoy and appreciate time with yourself, whether it’s just sitting there in your own thoughts and understanding who you are and what you want from life, or actively meditating. Meditation is important to me. It’s a moment to reflect on what is happening in my life, what I’m grateful for, or what I’m hoping to continue moving forward with. So, no matter what your reasoning for it, whether it be religion, spirituality, purely meditation, or self-love, I think is important to take time to be alone and to understand that there’s moments that are valuable by yourself. One shouldn’t always rely on social interactions to make us feel whole. We can find that within ourselves.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
Tan: I actually want to answer this question by speaking directly with Jennifer. Jennifer, I know full well that getting to a point where I was able to say I loved myself for exactly who I am, gave me the permission to be able to understand people better and to help them feel like they could be the very best version of them. I could only do that if I was in that position myself. I don’t think that would have been possible if I had my own demons that were hindering me from helping others. You have now gotten to a point where you’ve been able to manage your disease and where you’re feeling your best self. Has that helped you live life and do your job better?
Jennifer: Yes 100%. When I’m not constantly thinking about my skin and my symptoms, I can really focus on other people, meeting them where they are, and helping them to learn and grow. As a labor and delivery nurse, I do a lot of teaching with my patients. When I’m feeling my best self, I’m more comfortable speaking up and being an advocate. I don’t mind having all eyes on me because I am a lot more comfortable now that my symptoms are managed, and I don’t worry that people are looking at me for the wrong reasons.
Tan: Exactly, it’s important that you get to a point where you love yourself and where you feel your best. You can’t really do that for other people unless you feel that way about yourself.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
Tan: Honestly, I just think it’s to ask questions and lead with empathy. I think that in order to get to a point where we understand each other, we’ve got to ask more questions. We’ve got to understand who people are, and we do that by hearing them and really taking in what they’re saying. So, for me, that is the most important thing to tie it in with what we’re doing with The Now Me and what I’m able to do on Queer Eye. Actively listening can help people feel heard and it can help you better understand them, their challenges and their needs.
Jennifer: I completely agree with everything you just said. I think listening is extremely important. We all come from different walks of life, our backgrounds really shaped who we are and the decisions that we make. No two people are exactly the same, so just keeping that in the back of our minds and understanding that the other person’s experiences may have been a little different than our own. And that’s part of what makes us so beautiful.
Here is the main question of our discussion. What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
Tan: Wow, okay! Let me think. The first strategy definitely has to be striking a power pose that makes me feel really good about myself. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you see the version of you that is released in that effort. When you look closer at your body, your style, your personality, it makes you feel a certain kind of way. The most positive way. Second, I give myself positive affirmations. I use the two minutes when I brush my teeth to tell myself the things I love about me, my parents and other things I love. Third is nourishing my body in a way that makes me feel like the very best version of me. I am very much into health and wellness. Don’t get me wrong, I love cake. But, I make sure I eat well to maintain my health. Fourth, is making sure I get in physical activity. It doesn’t need to be an extreme workout. Just some physical activity, so that I’m focusing on my heart. The reason I take care of myself is so that I can hopefully see my children grow and hopefully even have grandchildren one day. Number five is creating a positive space in my home. It doesn’t have to be a big space, just a space that makes me feel grounded, comfortable and happy.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Tan: My favorite book is Mirage by Soheir Khashoggi. It’s about a woman in a Saudi family who escapes a shocking marriage and moves to Toronto. I have loved it ever since I was young and I have read it over two dozen times. I think it’s really incredible because it’s a story of finding your voice and overcoming challenges in your personal life.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
Tan: Gosh, that’s a big question. I would say if I’m being completely honest, it would be just the movement of kindness. Just be kind, even if you don’t understand something. Even if you don’t like how somebody is expressing themselves. So, if I could create any movement, it would be to lead with kindness and empathy. I would love to live in a world where that was possible.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
Tan: I don’t necessarily have a quote, but if there was one thing that I live by, it’s having a boundary. It’s the way that I can have the most positive relationships in my life. So, boundaries for me are very important and I think that everyone should be very proactive in establishing them.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
