Tara Storch Of Taylor’s Gift Foundation: 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change
An Interview With Heidi Sander
To be sad. To sit in the memories. To desperately miss your loved one. To laugh. To find joy. To feel broken. To feel happy. To want to talk about it. To not want to talk about it. All of this is okay! For us, as a donor family, we have a mix of grief and gratitude. Grief — from the sudden loss, mixed with Gratitude — from knowing that our loved one saved lives through donation. And it’s okay for strong emotions to mix and still be able to move forward.
The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.
Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.
How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?
In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.
As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Tara Storch.
Tara is a marketing professional, award-winning author, and community leader, president and co-founder of Taylor’s Gift Foundation. Tara and her husband Todd co-authored the award-winning book, Taylor’s Gift, which was recognized as the ‘Most Inspirational Book’ at the Books for A Better Life Awards in New York City. She was honored with the Legacy Award from the Texas A&M Aggie Women Network for her powerful impact within the nation in the organ, eye, and tissue donation field. She and her husband were also recognized as “Heroes Among Us” by People Magazine.
Tara is currently on the United Network of Organ Sharing (UNOS) Philanthropy Advisory Council and a Real Life Expert with Donate Life Hollywood. As a Real Life Expert, her role assists writers within the Hollywood industry to help tell authentic stories of organ, eye, and tissue donation. She is also a former board member of the UNOS Board, where she was a voice for donor families regarding donation and transplantation policies. Her experience as a donor mother and leadership expert in marketing and non-profit are regularly sought out by many in the business and medical community.
Opening up about her journey of finding hope and purpose after the loss of her daughter Taylor, she speaks publicly across the nation about her powerful “Outlive Yourself” message. Sharing her journey on Good Morning America, The Today Show, The Ellen Show, People Magazine, and other national and international media, she brings a message of inspiration that touches lives worldwide.
She is the proud mother to three children — Taylor, Ryan, and Peyton. She and her husband, Todd, currently lives in the Dallas, Texas area.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I grew up in Abilene, TX, and have three older brothers. I’m the baby and the only girl. As a matter of fact, when I was born, I was the first girl on my dad’s side in 75 years! My dad was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force and was a pilot. He flew the KC-135 (which is a huge flying gas tank that fueled bombers and fighter planes mid-air). Oh, the stories he can share! I’ve always been proud of being the daughter of an Air Force pilot. My parents are currently going on 64 years of marriage.
We lived in Abilene because Dyess Air Force base was located there. When my parents first moved to Abilene, they thought they would only be there for a year or so because military families move so much. However, even though my dad was gone a lot on missions, it was never long enough to move our family so I grew up in the same home from elementary to high school. It was a blessing to have roots in a great hometown.
After high school, I went to Texas A&M University (whoop!) and majored in Marketing. My husband and I met at A&M, and both graduated in 1991, then married in 1993.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
My favorite life lesson quote is, “It’s not what happens to you that matters; it’s how you react to it that does.” This quote came from my husband’s grandfather and is our family motto. It was really put to the test in 2010 when we lost our oldest daughter, Taylor.
At this dark time in our life, we knew that our reaction to losing Taylor would be important, especially for our other two children. We had to make a choice, so our reaction was to not cave into the grief but to focus on the good. And the good was that Taylor saved five lives with her gifts of organ and tissue donation. Knowing that our sweet daughter made a lasting difference in many people’s lives was a blessing to our family.
You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.
I believe the top three qualities that I have that help me be successful are sincerity, integrity, and being open-minded.
Sincerity — Genuinely being myself and being vulnerable has opened others up to do the same. We are all human, and to be real with someone has consistently created trust and friendship in my life.
Integrity — By having integrity, I have gained the respect of others because they know I am trustworthy and responsible with what is entrusted to me. Especially in leading a non-profit, integrity is extremely important. Our supporters expect our non-profit to be good stewards of their financial gifts and, most importantly, tirelessly work to fulfill our mission. By leading with integrity, I make sure we stay on a solid and mission-driven path.
Open-mindedness — In leading a non-profit organization, being open-minded to new ideas and ways to fulfill our mission is very important. That is why having an active and engaged Board of Directors is a must so they can bring thoughts, challenges, solutions, and ideas to the table.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?
In March of 2010, we were on our family Spring Break ski vacation in Beaver Creek, CO, having a wonderful time together. It was on the final run of the day that our oldest child, Taylor, just 13 years old, had an accident on the slopes and hit a tree. She was doing everything right…a good athlete, wearing a helmet…I won’t ever forget those moments that followed of horror, fear, shock, and confusion.
It went from the best vacation to the worst in a light switch moment, and our family was thrown into the unknown world of grief. When we were in the hospital, a kind nurse approached us and gently said: “she is a beautiful candidate for organ donation; would you consider it?” To be honest, we had never talked about organ donation in our family.
And now, we were faced with it — and the hardest part is that this nurse was talking about our child. Our child. How could this be happening? But, in all the hardest decisions we were making, saying ‘yes’ to Taylor being an organ donor was the easiest decision because of the child Taylor was. She was such a giving child and incredibly kind to others. I could fill up this article about the kind, caring, and loving ways about her. Traits you can’t teach a child — it was just how she was made and wired by God.
With the gift of life she gave, she was able to save and improve the lives of five people with the gift of her heart, kidneys, liver, pancreas, and cornea. A ripple effect of good was sparked.
When we came back from Colorado, we had to restart our lives emotionally and physically. Suddenly, we were a family of four, not five. Simple things like going out to eat and asking for a table of four would send me into tears. Grief can be ugly and unpredictable.
The good that came out of our loss was that Taylor saved and improved five lives. We found so much hope in that and decided to focus our attention on how we could share the importance of donation and encourage people to register.
It was that specific hope that sparked the beginning of Taylor’s Gift Foundation. We were determined to make a difference locally, regionally, and across the country in memory and in honor of our daughter.
It was a path we surely would not have chosen for ourselves, but one we undoubtedly knew we had to take.
What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?
The scariest part of that event was the fear of the unknown and the possibility that we would lose our daughter.
The worst thing that I thought could happen did happen. Grief hit us hard — there is no getting around that fact.
How did you react in the short term?
My husband and I grieved so differently, and it was beginning to hurt our marriage. Todd loved being around Taylor’s friends, but I couldn’t handle it as looking at them reminded me of what I had forever lost. He was energetic and passionate about being an advocate for organ donation, my grief was almost too much for me to bear that I couldn’t function.
I remember exactly when this changed for us. We met a couple who had also experienced the death of their child 8 years before us, and we were hanging onto their every word. After listening to us talk about how we were more or less resenting each other’s grief, she said, “You must give each other the grace to grieve in the way that is best for each of you. There is no right or wrong way.” This simple advice was pivotal for us. I’m not sure why we weren’t giving each other the grace to grieve, but we weren’t. Her simple statement just put us back together.
After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?
I prayed. A lot. My faith was really shaken, but not broken. Many times I would end up on my knees and couldn’t speak because I didn’t have the words. My faith helped me tremendously and knowing that others were lifting us up in prayer was a lifeline of hope.
Music helped me, too. I listened to Stephen Curtis Chapman’s album called “Beauty Will Rise” over and over. He wrote it after he tragically lost his daughter, and I knew from his lyrics that he truly understood the pain and despair of losing a child. There were certain songs on there that just spoke to my heart that I kept on repeat.
I also read a book called “The One Year Book of Hope” by Nancy Guthrie. She had lost a child, and I felt like her words said exactly what I was feeling but couldn’t express. Her book is broken up into short chapters (many are just one page) which is exactly what I needed because focusing on reading (or focusing on really anything), was extremely difficult.
I guess looking back, my coping mechanisms were leaning on my faith, finding other people, songs, and books to whom I could relate because they have walked a similar path themselves. I needed to be reminded that I could survive a broken heart by others who had experienced the deep pain of grief.
Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?
I don’t think I could ever say I’m “healed” or “I’ve let go.” However, I can say with confidence that time has helped with the sting of grief not being as intense. I now have so many more good days than bad days.
What has created me to have more good days? Faith. Friends. Family. Days. Months. Years. Minutes. Hours. People remember our daughter and make a point of letting us know. Laughter. Watching my other two children grow into incredible adults. Just learning we are going to be grandparents. We haven’t moved on…we’ve moved forward.
There are still triggers that get me to take a few steps back in my grief, but now I am able to bounce back a lot faster when that happens, and the darkness doesn’t feel so dark.
In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.
For a while, I would write letters to Taylor in my journal. That helped so much just to talk to her in this way.
In late 2010, Taylor’s story was featured on Good Morning America along with the moment where we first met Patricia, the recipient of Taylor’s heart. The moment that we listened to Taylor’s heartbeat within Patricia was so powerful it left the Good Morning America hosts silent and tearful for a long moment.
Following the national media exposure, we were approached about writing a book, which was eventually published in 2013. The book, entitled Taylor’s Gift, with a foreword by Max Lucado, talked of faith, family, and finding purpose. It shares the raw and real journey of our family and the hope that can follow.
The process of writing this book was difficult and amazing at the same time. It was a way to let everything out. We didn’t hold back on anything.
Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?
I’m not sure that a parent can ever fully let go after losing a child. However, an emotional shift came when I released control in trying to answer the swirling and unending question of WHY. Why did this happen? Why did God allow this? Why our family? Why her?
This wasn’t a light switch moment where one day I released control and poof! all was good. It took a lot of prayer and others praying for us that got me to this point. My faith believes that I will see her again and when that time comes, the “why” won’t matter.
Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?
I have a friend named Angie who at the time was not in my close inner circle. She was the mother of one of Taylor’s friends. Daily we would get multiple In sympathy cards in the mail and one day a random silly-themed card showed up in the mix of all the cards. It was so out of the norm that I was confused by the bright colors and silly photo on the cover. She wrote me a note in a joyful tone and told me she would give me a point for each challenge she sent me that I completed. And, if I get all the points, I’d get a prize!
Over the next few weeks, I would get many colorful out-of-the-ordinary cards in the mail from her with challenges like “plant a tomato plant,” “draw a picture,” or “tell someone a joke.” And, believe it or not, I would do it.
Angie would cheer me on when I would let her know I had gotten a point. She made me move. She helped me laugh. She reached out and lifted me up.
The prize? There wasn’t one. The prize was a big hug from her that I took steps forward.
I know it took courage for her to do that. It was a risk, but she threw all that fear aside and reached out to me in the most unique way.. She was amazing.
Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?
We were able to take Taylor’s death and channel it for good through the establishment of our nonprofit, Taylor’s Gift Foundation.
Through our own experience, we knew that organ, eye, and tissue donation wasn’t an easy topic, so we created the mantra “Outlive Yourself” to share the importance of donation and to spark conversation. With over 100,000 people waiting on the transplant list for a second chance at life, being an organ, eye, and/or tissue donor is a beautiful way to leave a lasting legacy and outlive yourself.
In the years following Taylor’s death, Todd and I kept noticing the large need for dedicated grief support, specifically for families like ours — whose loved ones had given the gift of life through donation. We are called a donor family. Leaning on our experience, we wanted to step into this space to provide this critical emotional and grief support to donor families. In 2021, Taylor’s Gift Foundation launched the Kindred Hearts Program to provide grief support at no cost to donor families. Through this program, a donor family is given a personal “Caring Guide” and access to support groups with trained facilitators who have experienced similar pain and trauma.
The Kindred Hearts Program, along with the need for this type of grief support specifically for donor families, caught the eye of the prestigious NYU Langone Health. They are currently working closely with Taylor’s Gift to do a national pilot study and conduct research in this area.
Taylor’s Gift Foundation will always advocate increasing awareness of organ, eye, and tissue donation and encouraging more people to register to become donors; however, the core mission has now been solidified.
We were able to hone in on something that is greatly needed and something our family knows about intimately. In the world we now live in, where mental health is so openly discussed and accepted, we are grateful for the opportunity to help families whose loved ones were able to give the gift of life to others. It is such an honor to be allowed to walk with them in such a dark time after their loss. This work is what the foundation has been destined to do.
We are honored and humbled that we can give hope and comfort to donor families, many of whom are new to their loss and many who are well beyond the first year of their loved one’s death. I know Taylor would be proud of the work that is being done in her name. I know she is cheering us on.
What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?
I’ve learned that I’m a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
I’ve learned that my faith was shaken but not broken.
I’ve learned that I can live life with one foot here and one foot in heaven.
I’ve learned what is really important in life and to love big.
Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.
- Have a Why -
What is it that you can say, no matter what, WHY I’m doing this/believe this is bigger than anything else? In other words, what is your unshakable north star?
Only YOU know what that is. Just start paying attention to that feeling inside you.
For me, my ‘Why’ is honoring Taylor through Taylor’s Gift Foundation by making a difference for donor families and being a good role model for my other two children, Ryan and Peyton.
2. Know that it’s okay to…
To be sad. To sit in the memories. To desperately miss your loved one. To laugh. To find joy. To feel broken. To feel happy. To want to talk about it. To not want to talk about it.
All of this is okay!
For us, as a donor family, we have a mix of grief and gratitude. Grief — from the sudden loss, mixed with Gratitude — from knowing that our loved one saved lives through donation. And it’s okay for strong emotions to mix and still be able to move forward.
3. Recognize that your spouse or significant other has a journey different than yours.
Give them the grace to grieve the way they need, even if it’s completely different from how you handle it. Recognizing that there is no right or wrong way to deal with a broken heart gives the other person freedom to be themselves.
4. Deal with the present, not the future.
I remember in 2010 sitting in my grief counselor’s office sobbing about Taylor’s high school graduation, which would be in 2014.
My grief counselor reminded me over and over that how I felt that day in 2010 would not be how I would feel 4 years from then. And she was right. I was projecting my present feelings into the future, thinking they would be the same. But in 2014, on her “would have been graduation day,” I was definitely stronger.
Just dealing with what is right in front of you and not projecting those intense emotions onto your “future self” is very beneficial in taking a step forward.
5. Letting others help you.
I remember people asking my husband if he needed help, and he consistently would say ‘thank you, but I’m okay,’ Then, one day, a friend sat down with him and said that by not letting others help, my husband was taking away his friend’s ability to give him an important gift…a gift of themselves.
It was at that moment that he started saying “yes” to when people asked if they could help, and my husband truly saw the joy on people’s faces when they were allowed to support in some way.
Letting people give the gift of themselves will lighten the heaviness you feel because they are able to carry you when you need it the most.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
I would love to inspire the “Outlive Yourself” movement, which not only increases the number of people in the nation who register to be donors but sparks conversations on how people want to leave a lasting impact on the lives of others.
It could all start with the question, “How do you want to Outlive Yourself?” That question could go on social media with average people and celebrities posting how they want to leave a lasting impact in others’ lives. It could be just as simple as “smile at 10 people a day” to “helping at a homeless shelter,” etc. The options are endless and personal to everyone.
For our family, organ and tissue donation and supporting donor families as they walk through grief are beautiful ways we are striving to outlive ourselves.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)
I’d love to have some time with Hoda and Jenna on the Today Show!
The opportunity to share my story with them could help many donor families learn they are not alone in their grief and there is hope. How I’d love to be able to reach donor families who just need to know there is a free grief resource available to them from people who truly understand.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
We’d love for your readers to learn more about us here.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
