Therapist Lianna Purjes Of Fuzzy Socks Therapy on Five Keys to Happy, Lasting Marriages
An Interview With Nancy Landrum
Actively listen: When your partner is talking about something, actually listen. Put down the phone, turn the TV off, and listen. If you’re really busy and can’t focus on what your partner is talking about, that’s ok, but you need to say that and give them the time later. This is something I’m still working on with my husband. I’m great at listening to clients, but not always great about listening to him. He notices when I’m half listening and half distracted by something else.
Marriage is a complex journey that combines love, partnership, and mutual growth. To explore the foundations of successful marriages, we are talking to experienced marriage and family therapists. who guide couples through their challenges and triumphs. This series will delve into professional advice and strategies that foster long-lasting, fulfilling relationships. As a part of this series I had the pleasure of interviewing Lianna Purjes, LCSW
Lianna Purjes, LCSW is a therapist and Relationship Coach helping neurodivergent adults save their marriages using strategies backed by research. Lianna has Masters degrees in Clinical Social Work and Education and over 15 years of experience helping clients improve their relationships.
As a therapist, Lianna started to notice many couples struggling to get on the same page, often because one was neurodivergent and one was neurotypical. It’s like they were banging their heads against the wall trying to communicate when one was speaking English and the other Morse Code.
Neurodivergent adults often have different needs when it comes to communication and emotional expression. They need no nonsense, fluff-free, concrete information presented in a direct and concise way.
These couples, who were on the brink of divorce, simply needed someone who spoke both of their languages to help bridge the gap.
Lianna decided to take all of her knowledge from her clinical work and lived experience with ADHD to create a coaching program specifically tailored for neurodivergent adults looking to save their relationship using evidence-based strategies.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what inspired you to become a therapist?
I started my career as a special education teacher. I loved working with the kids, but I was always more interested in helping my students who were having meltdowns rather than teaching the academics. So, after 8 years of teaching, I decided to go back to school to get a second masters in social work to become a therapist.
What are some common misconceptions about marriage that you frequently encounter in your work?
One of the biggest misconceptions I notice is that people often expect things to stay exactly the same in a marriage. Realistically, people know that things change over time, but they know it cognitively. There’s still often a part of them that feels surprised when their partner changes or even their own wants/needs change. Humans grow, change, evolve. It happens.
How can couples keep the romance alive, especially after many years together?
First, I want to assure the readers that keeping the romance alive can be tough, so if you’re struggling with that, you’re definitely not alone! The reality is that our relationships don’t have the same novelty and excitement once the honeymoon stage is over. That being said, it can be done! I tell clients to try to think about what things looked like when they first met. My guess is you didn’t spend dinner barely talking and staring at your phones. This doesn’t mean you have to do a complete 180 and “fake” being new to each other, but you can make an effort to engage in conversation and activities together on a regular basis. I advise clients to have fun together. Try something new. Dust off your Twister game and laugh together! We easily get into routines, so try to mix it up.
What are some common conflicts that couples face, and how can they resolve these conflicts in a healthy manner?
The biggest conflicts I notice arise out of one or both partners (usually both) not communicating their needs clearly or in a healthy way. Many people tend to be passive communicators. So, for example, partner A might notice partner B looks upset and will ask what’s wrong. Partner B might passively say, “I just have so much to do because I thought the kitchen would be clean when I got home, but it’s not, so now I have to clean it before I cook dinner. Whatever, it’s not a big deal.” A statement like this is typically a very passive/passive-aggressive way of saying “I’m frustrated because I expected you to clean the kitchen so it would be clean when I got home to make dinner. It’s bothering me.” Partner A may think everything is fine, because that is literally what Partner B communicated, or they might know that this is a passive aggressive statement, so it leads to a big argument. It’s always best to communicate directly and do so in a calm and kind way. So, in this scenario, it wouldn’t be a good idea to yell something like “I’m pissed off because you should have known to clean the kitchen, what’s wrong with you?” That would be direct in a harsh way, because it accuses Partner A of being a “bad” person and assumes an expectation that wasn’t agreed upon by both partners, so it’s direct but not calm or kind. A direct AND kind way to communicate in this situation could be “I’m feeling really frustrated because I was thinking you would clean the kitchen before I got home. But I know we didn’t talk about it, so it’s not your fault, it just stresses me out having to clean the kitchen before cooking. I think we need to come up with a better plan.”
How important is trust in maintaining a strong marital bond? What strategies do you recommend for rebuilding trust after it has been broken?
In any relationship, trust is sometimes broken but can often be repaired. This can even happen with little things, like trusting your partner to follow through on a responsibility and then dropping the ball. Obviously, trust can also be broken when there is a major betrayal, such as with infidelity. I tell my clients that while trust is definitely important, what matters almost as much is what efforts occur to repair that trust when it is broken. We all make mistakes. It’s just what we do as humans. But what happens when we do make a mistake? Do we own up to it? Do we name it? Do we take the responsibility to repair or make it up to our partner? I even look at my own marriage. My husband screws up all the time, as do I! What I notice is that he makes a huge effort to change his actions when these issues come up. That effort speaks volumes about his character and about how much he cares about our relationship.
Can you share some practical communication techniques that couples can use to improve their relationship?
As I said earlier, I think direct (and kind) communication is vital. I also tell couples that nobody is a mind reader. Just because something seems like a “no-brainer” to you, doesn’t mean it is to someone else. If you have expectations about something, the responsibility is on you to communicate them to your partner. If you don’t, and the expectation isn’t met, that’s on you, not your partner.
What are five skills or concepts that you’ve found beneficial in your marriage that you also share when working with couples?
1 . Actively listen: When your partner is talking about something, actually listen. Put down the phone, turn the TV off, and listen. If you’re really busy and can’t focus on what your partner is talking about, that’s ok, but you need to say that and give them the time later. This is something I’m still working on with my husband. I’m great at listening to clients, but not always great about listening to him. He notices when I’m half listening and half distracted by something else.
2 . When unsure, ask! We don’t always know what our partner needs when they’re upset or even what their point is when talking about something. It’s always ok to ask! My husband sometimes tends to ramble on about things he’s interested in, which is fine, but if often leaves me unsure about what the point is. So I ask him! I say something like “I’m confused, what did you mean by ‘xyz’” or “what would be helpful right now?” It lets him know that I need some clarification and that I actually care about his needs.
3 . Don’t compare/compete: Nothing drives me crazier than when I’m venting about something that happened to me and my husband says, “well at least it’s not as bad as my day….” I turn into that angry emoji on the inside. It makes me feel like my experiences are being invalidated and takes the focus away from me onto him. When someone is venting, they typically need to have their feelings validated. Keep the focus on your partner in that moment, and you can talk about your stuff later.
4 . Focus on the feelings: Similarly to the don’t compare/compete rule, we want to focus on the feelings. If I’m talking about how frustrated I am about something and my husband replies with solutions for my problem, it could be ok, or it could just add fuel to the fire. As humans, we usually need to feel validated in our feelings and regulate before we can access our executive functioning and think about problem solving. Focus on the feelings first, and the solutions can come after.
5 . Take a break: I know, it’s MUCH easier said than done! How many times have we all said things in the heat of the moment that we later regret? If things are getting tense, take a break and come back to it later. Most problems are not emergencies that need to be handled immediately. As humans, we do our best, most rational thinking when we’re emotionally regulated. So, unless it’s an actual emergency, take a break from each other and come back to it later when you’re both calmer.
How hard is it to practice what you teach couples in therapy?
Great question! It can be really hard. I think most of us are really good at helping others, but not always great about helping ourselves. We’re human, which means, we’re all learning and growing, just like our clients. It definitely helps that we have this knowledge and experience working with other couples, but I’m using a different part of my brain in a therapy session than I am when I’m talking to my husband. It takes practice, and there are definitely bumps along the way.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Who has been the inspiration or model for your marriage? Can you share a story about that?
I don’t know that there has been a specific inspiration for my own marriage. My parents divorced when I was 10, so I didn’t have them as a successful model. I think my inspiration is probably an amalgamation of things of noticed from several different relationships. And I like that. Just because one couple works, doesn’t mean the way they do things will work for every couple.
Is there any particular book or concept that helped you overcome a turning point in your marriage?
The biggest thing I’ve had to learn (and am still practicing) is taking off my therapist hat in my own marriage. It’s so easy for me to go into psycho-education mode and teach my husband what he “should” say or do. It’s more important that I speak from the heart and allow myself to be vulnerable with him.
How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?
I consider the work I do to bring goodness to the world! Relationships are hard. As human beings, we crave closeness and being with others, and yet, we also drive each other up the wall sometimes. Navigating that dichotomy is tough, and I love that I help people do that!
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
How do I choose one?!?! Ok, if I have to choose one, I would like to see some kind of system that allows for genuine connection and support for everyone in the world. As an adult child of an alcoholic and someone with little to no family support, my life has been very difficult. I often spent holidays alone and had to survive the constant messaging in our culture of the importance of being with family. I didn’t have that option even though I so desperately wanted it. It’s incredibly painful to get through the holiday season alone. I once spent a few days in the hospital completely alone because I didn’t have anyone to visit me. Nobody should have to be alone like that.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quotes”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
I guess I’m not a big quotes person, but I generally like any quotes that emphasize the importance of taking small steps and the fact that progress isn’t linear. We often take two steps forward and one step back, and that’s ok!
We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)
I honestly don’t pay much attention to celebrities or business tycoons. But I’m always open to having interesting and intelligent conversations with anyone!
How can our readers follow your work online?
Coaching Website: www.coachingwithlianna.com
Therapy Website: www.fuzzysockstherapy.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachingwithlianna/
Facebook group exclusively for neurodivergent adults looking to save their marriages: http://www.facebook.com/groups/ndrelationshiprestoration/
Thank you so much for joining us. This was very inspirational.
About the Interviewer: At 79 years young, Nancy guides couples to transformative relationship skills, specializing in strategies for stepfamilies to succeed. Nancy brings her MA in Spiritual Psychology, personal experience and research proven strategies to guide couples to healthy communication skills and relationship happiness. Nancy has contributed to multiple media outlets including Huffington Post, Psych Central, and Woman’s Day magazine, to name a few. Nancy coaches in person, on Zoom, in her online courses at www.MillionaireMarriageClub.com , on “Relationship Rehab” TV and Talk and has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married & Love It!” and “Stepping TwoGether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy’s goal is to lower the divorce rate globally.
