Tilde Guajardo of IAmTilde On How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself

I believe it’s imperative to our well-being to learn to spend time in solace and get comfortable in simply Being and stop Doing all the time. When we spend time alone, we really see how much we like or love ourselves. Can you stand your own company? When you’re feeling down and no one is there to pick you up, can you motivate yourself? Might sound funny, but these are important questions. Learning to be alone and love yourself builds up your resiliency to bounce back faster from any setbacks you have in life.

As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Tilde Guajardo.

Tilde is a serial entrepreneur, TEDx Speaker, global mentor, author, investor, and a proud Army Veteran. As a Spiritual Alchemist, she teaches others how to use a challenge to create change and turn pain into power. Tilde is on a mission to help leaders and conscious organizations rethink well-being and shows them how to use faith and love as the foundation for success.

Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.

Early on in life, I almost called it quits. Fueled by childhood sexual trauma and flashbacks, I reached a breaking point and considered ending my life. Had I done so, I would’ve become another statistic. Another young Hispanic woman fallen victim, due to child sexual abuse.

But I didn’t, instead one day I cried out to God for help, and He answered my simple prayer in a miraculous way. Since that day, I’ve never had another flashback again, and I seized the opportunity to transform myself into the new woman I could now imagine. A powerful woman full of faith, hope, and love, no longer shackled by anger, fear, or shame.

I didn’t know it at that time, but I was cultivating a teachable strategy to inspire anyone to become enthusiastic about change, by rediscovering their true identity and learning to love themselves unconditionally. I’ve been doing it for over 20 years in various capacities.

Today, as a Spiritual Alchemist, I help women transform fear, past pain, or trauma into joy, love, and freedom. A good part of my work is also deconstructing old religious and limiting beliefs.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of well-being in their relationships?

Currently, I’m working on writing a book telling my own story of transformation and the incredible journey I had to go through to arrive at learning to love myself unconditionally.

I’m hoping everyone who reads it will walk away inspired and motivated to take action in their own lives to love themselves and others on a much deeper level. My prayer is for each of us to become the change we want to see in the world.

Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self-acceptance?

There have been several pivotal points for me in my life to help me increase my self-awareness and self-love, and many of them have come after relationship breakups. I am of the mindset with every relationship we can learn and grow to become a better version of ourselves and be more loving and forgiving of ourselves and others.

The most recent event triggered a huge shift in my self-acceptance and self-love. I fell in love for the first time ever and it shook me to my core because I thought I had been in love before, but I quickly realized I was wrong. I loved this person unconditionally. I could see myself marrying them, starting a family, building a life together, and taking care of them “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” type of love. It was beautiful, terrifying, and exciting as we both expressed similar feelings for each other.

I’m not sure when it began or what may have triggered it, but things quickly changed, and this person no longer felt emotionally available. I could feel them pulling away and communication became less and less. I was self-aware enough to notice an old pattern resurfacing for me as it seemed like I was chasing after them, over-giving, and getting little to nothing in return. I also felt as if my own walls were beginning to go up again with each passing day due to the fear of being hurt again.

I was going through a very difficult time in my life and trying to stay in a positive mindset so being with an emotionally unavailable person was wreaking havoc on my peace of mind. I made the difficult choice to break things off and I was devastated. This is not the first time I had walked away from a relationship that felt very unbalanced, but it was the first time I had done it while still being deeply in love. I knew if I didn’t choose myself this time, I would never break this cycle of self-abandonment and continue to attract the same type of partner.

The level of pain I felt awakened a part of me that had been asleep for a long time. I began the transformation work to deepen my self-love by healing old wounds I had been blocking or unknowingly hiding in my subconscious mind since childhood. I became my own client and gave myself the same advice, grace, and unconditional love I give to everyone.

I was able to identify the limiting belief of “self-sacrifice and self-abandonment” which began when I was a child being sexually abused between the ages of 5–12. My abusers threatened to hurt my mother and sister if I told anyone, so in my young mind, I became my family’s protector and sacrificed my own body and well-being for their safety. I also witnessed my mother self-sacrificing her own needs, wants, and desires for my father and our family over the years.

It seemed like the normal thing to do in my life and why it became a subconsciously held limiting belief in all my relationships with family, friends, and partners. It reared its ugly head as over-giving, co-dependency, ignoring my intuition, overlooking, or ignoring red flags, putting up with disrespect and poor communication, and an inability to express my true feelings, needs, and desires openly when it mattered most to avoid upsetting others.

It took me falling madly in love to see and feel how I had to learn to love myself unconditionally and put myself first. All the forgiveness and love I was so ready and willing to share with others, I learned to give to myself, which also opened me up to being able to attract this kind of healthy love in all types of relationships.

Slowly but surely new connections started to appear in my life that are equally balanced in giving and receiving time, energy, and emotional connection. I make sure a person’s words match up with their actions before giving them my trust. If my intuition tells me something isn’t right, I believe it and don’t need to give anyone a reason why it doesn’t feel right, it just doesn’t, and I walk away. Establishing and exercising healthy boundaries has been critical to maintaining my spiritual, emotional, and mental well-being.

The work isn’t easy or fun, it was painful. To heal old wounds, you must have the courage to look at them honestly and long enough to identify them, forgive yourself and others, and transmute them into love. It’s transformative work I’ve been doing for over 20 years, and it allows me to find new ways to learn and grow to be able to live a happier and more fulfilling life.

I believe the amount of self-love you have is equal to the level of self-acceptance you project out into the world as authenticity. Your authenticity gives everyone you meet permission to be authentic too.

I’m now at a point where I’m looking forward to the day when true love finds me again, except this time I believe it will be emotionally healthy and equally balanced.

According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?

Here are 3 of the major causes I see contributing to being dissatisfied with our appearance, I refer to them as the “3 deadly C’s” that steal our joy:

1. Competition — We have allowed others, like the media, culture, or family, to define what is beautiful or successful and we have willingly bought into it. This competitive spirit leaves us feeling like we aren’t ever enough and feeling unfulfilled no matter what we do to improve our exterior appearances, like beauty, success, wealth, education, etc.
2. Comparison — We constantly compare ourselves to others whom we find beautiful or handsome and successful. This never allows us to appreciate and accept our own unique beauty and define success for ourselves because we’re so focused on being like other people.
3. Critique — Being overly critical of ourselves gives us a distorted self-perception, this can include our physical appearance, as well as our talents, gifts, skills, values, and capabilities. It causes our self-confidence and self-esteem to stay low which keeps us from doing things we really want to do. Those things can be asking someone out on a date, leaving an unhealthy relationship, changing careers, asking for a raise, voicing your opinion, moving, starting a business, etc.

To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself it’s truly so important?

Learning to love ourselves is important because it liberates us from pretending to be someone we are not, and it also helps us to appreciate everyone else’s unique way of showing up in the world.

When we can love ourselves unconditionally, we can love others without judging them and live in peace with one another. We won’t agree with everyone all the time or even have to like them, but we will respect them and the way they choose to show up in the world.

There is so much power in loving yourself and embracing who you really are because no one can take that from you. Your presence becomes so powerful you can literally change the atmosphere for the better in any room you enter.

Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?

Individuals stay in mediocre relationships for the following reasons:

1.) Low self-worth and self-esteem

2.) They don’t know what they really want

3.) They have control issues.

The best advice I can give is to get to know yourself better and learn to truly love, appreciate, and trust yourself more.

When I work with clients, I first do an assessment of their spiritual health and then ask them to take the VIA (Values in Action) Character Strengths Survey to determine their top 5 core character strengths. This will help to see if they are living in alignment spiritually and leveraging their strengths in their everyday life. Most people are not living in alignment, and this is the main reason they find themselves simply surviving through life not thriving.

After the assessment, I suggest small adjustments they can easily make to help them incorporate healthier practices that naturally boost their self-worth and self-esteem. They also get to know themselves better by trying things they’ve never done and determining what they really want and don’t want in life. It takes them from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset, which helps them to go from wanting to “control” everything to now being more “curious” about the possibilities or outcomes.

This can take a mediocre relationship to a much happier and more fulfilling one when both individuals are willing to do the work. This can also work for singles who want to increase their self-love and self-worth before getting into another relationship.

When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?

The best questions I’ve learned to ask myself and I suggest to my clients are “Am I making this decision from a place of Love or Fear?”, “Is this my ego or my heart speaking or reacting?”, “What do I really want?”.

A good example of a time I self-reflected and made some changes is a few years ago when I wasn’t happy with my relationship with my parents. We loved each other but we didn’t get along very well, and it seemed like every time I would visit, we would end up arguing and having an uncomfortable visit.

As I began to reflect, I realized I was visiting them many times because I felt obligated to visit, and this would cause me to show up with resentment. I knew if I wanted things to change, I had to change some things in myself and the way I was showing up.

The first thing I did is ask, “What do I really want?”. I really wanted a more peaceful, loving, accepting, and friendly relationship with my parents, where we had healthy boundaries and mutual respect. I committed myself to that vision.

The second thing I did is promise myself I would only visit them when I wanted to because I missed them. I would ask myself “Am I making this decision from a place of love or fear?”. Am I missing them or am I afraid to disappoint or hurt them if I don’t come to see them? This made deciding whether to go much easier.

Thirdly, if I wanted my parents to accept me as I am, I knew I had to accept them as they are and not expect them to act or say things differently. Much of our arguments were due to reacting to one another, so I decided to stop reacting and instead respond from my heart space, not my ego. I had to intentionally choose my words more carefully to avoid inciting a back-and-forth WWE fight at the dinner table. I learned to choose my battles smartly and walk away from conversations that were likely to lead nowhere.

It wasn’t easy and I’m not sure how much time passed, but one afternoon my mother and I were sitting at the back of the barn watching the sunset together in pure peace and quiet, and she looked over at me and asked, “Tilde, when did we stop arguing?”. It was a moment I’ll never forget because my heart swelled with love and I smiled at her and jokingly replied, “When you grew up, Mom!” and we both laughed and continued to enjoy the beautiful sunset.

So many don’t really know how to be alone or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?

I believe it’s imperative to our well-being to learn to spend time in solace and get comfortable in simply Being and stop Doing all the time. When we spend time alone, we really see how much we like or love ourselves. Can you stand your own company? When you’re feeling down and no one is there to pick you up, can you motivate yourself? Might sound funny, but these are important questions. Learning to be alone and love yourself builds up your resiliency to bounce back faster from any setbacks you have in life.

When I was in my 20’s and 30’s I didn’t like being alone. I had to have people around me all the time or I would feel very uncomfortable and make myself busy. I was still insecure and looked for validation from others. It wasn’t until my late 30’s I started to spend time alone and do things I’d always wanted to do by myself and for myself.

I started traveling solo and was terrified when I first did it, so I took baby steps. On my first trip, I flew to Switzerland and spent 3 days there by myself before my friend arrived and finished the rest of the 10-day trip with her.

I’ll never forget the exhilaration I felt as I arrived in Zurich and had to take a train, gondola, and cable car to the most beautiful mountain village I’ve ever seen to this day. When I checked in to the hotel, I felt such a rush of confidence and happiness that I had never felt before. The next day when I went for a long hike by myself, I felt both amazing freedom and peace. I could do whatever I wanted or nothing at all. This is when I began asking myself “What do I really want?” and becoming comfortable with whatever that is for me. It was the beginning of my self-love journey through solo travel experiences, which I still do as often as possible.

My alone time whether I’m traveling, on a daily walk, or meditating is the time I use to connect to my Higher Self and listen. We’ve become too accustomed to always thinking, but we need to retrain our minds to be quiet and listen to our Divine Guidance System (DGS). It’s there we can gain clarity, and increase happiness, and peace. It’s in these moments alone we can recharge our spirit-mind-body-soul.

How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?

The level of your self-understanding and self-love is equivalent to the level of love, authenticity, and vulnerability you can show to others in any of your relationships.

If you don’t understand or love yourself, you will continually change who you are to please others or conform to what society or culture dictates. You will also likely be very judgmental of others because you are continually judging yourself.

While if you do understand and love yourself, you will feel comfortable in your own skin anywhere you go and cultivate deep and meaningful relationships with people who love and accept you. When you understand and love yourself, you can also appreciate and love others who are different from you without judgment.

In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?

In my experience, both individuals and society need to acknowledge and talk more about how we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

The sooner we come to accept this, the sooner we will learn to love ourselves and each other. The Golden Rule of treating others the way you would like to be treated only works if we love, understand, and accept ourselves first.

Here is the main question of our discussion. What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?

5 things you need to learn to love yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9OtCVBu9q4&t=1s

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?

My favorite book for the past couple of years has been “A Course in Miracles”. It has elevated my self-awareness, self-worth, and self-love and deepened my faith and intimacy with God in profound and powerful ways. It has also enhanced my understanding of biblical scripture which has further enlightened me.

Another favorite book this past year has been “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran. It consists of poems that tell a story about things like love, marriage, friendship, and peace. There is such inspiration and wisdom in each story that it moves me to take a look at my own life and see the true beauty of every situation or circumstance I find myself.

A podcast I thoroughly enjoy is “Subcutaneous” by Russell Brand. It’s inspiring, informative, educational, thought-provoking, and funny. I like his sense of humor and how he reminds us not to take ourselves too seriously.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…

The movement I would like to inspire is for people to return to love, so they can in turn love themselves and others. Imagine the world we would create if this happened.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself?

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller

Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?

We’ve been conditioned to use our mind or logic for most of our decisions, I believe we need a healthy balance of both heart and logic.

My heart is my intuition, my DGS, so even when a decision doesn’t make sense to others, I will follow my heart knowing it’s the right thing for me to do. I allow my heart to guide me in every area of my life. When something doesn’t feel right, I listen. The times I have ignored my heart, things have not worked out well.

Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!