Total Health: Author Caitlin Billings On How We Can Optimize Our Mental, Physical, Emotional, & Spiritual Wellbeing
Stop pushing down your feelings. We all have early training about what is appropriate regarding gender roles, cultural norms, and the expression of emotions. I strongly believe that unless we find a safe place to allow our emotions to be released, we risk becoming emotionally numbed out and risk losing our emotional literacy — that is, being able to name the emotions we are feeling. Many of my clients come to therapy telling me they can’t access their emotions. Or they come to therapy with chronic anger or sadness and it’s impacting their lives. Find a safe space to talk about your traumas, memories, or challenges. It’s okay to feel.
Often when we refer to wellness, we assume that we are talking about physical wellbeing. But one can be physically very healthy but still be unwell, emotionally or mentally. What are the steps we can take to cultivate optimal wellness in all areas of our life; to develop Mental, Physical, Emotional, & Spiritual Wellbeing?
As a part of our series about “How We Can Cultivate Our Mental, Physical, Emotional, & Spiritual Wellbeing”, I had the pleasure of interviewing Caitlin Billings.
A Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of California, Caitlin Billings specializes in treatment and therapy for complex trauma. Through this work, Caitlin aims to subvert societal expectations and pressures of idealism through embracing self-love and imperfection. Her memoir, In Our Blood, launches July 12, 2022 from She Writes Press.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
Firstly, thank you so much for the opportunity to be interviewed by you! I was born in the late 70s in Berkeley, CA and was raised for a short time by my mother and a tribe of Berkeley disability activists who left a lasting impact on disability rights and continue a strong, proud presence in Berkeley today. I mention this brief period of my life because even in the womb, I was surrounded by folks working toward causes of social justice and human rights.
I moved with my mom and later my adopted father to Humboldt County, CA. In those days, Humboldt was a very rural landscape of fields, forest, bay, and ocean. My childhood was a mixture of 80s pop culture (think Madonna and Cindi Lauper, Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers, MTV and Reagan politics) and breathtaking natural beauty. As a child I had no idea other people lived without clean beaches or the constant fog of the Redwood Forest eco-system until I visited Los Angeles.
I went to high school in the early 90s and did a lot of theater and music (singing and choir). As a young child, I began writing stories and those morphed into poetry when I was a teenager. I wrote about being a young woman, relationships, sadness, and triumph.
What or who inspired you to pursue your career? We’d love to hear the story.
At the age of 18, I started therapy for depression. My therapist made me feel seen, heard, and respected. Sitting with her was such a significant experience that I told her I wanted to be a therapist as a career. I still remember her answer, which makes me laugh now. She said, “No, you don’t.” It might sound strange, but I understand why she said that. Being a therapist has changed my life, mostly for the good. However, I carry vicarious trauma from working with those who have been harmed or have harmed others. I hear the wails of abject grief. Clients become frightened children before my eyes. I know I’m in the right career, though, because I would do this without being paid for it. In our capitalist society, unfortunately, that isn’t a reality for me right now.
None of us can achieve success without some help along the way. Was there a particular person who you feel gave you the most help or encouragement to be who you are today? Can you share a story about that?
My mom. Hands down. She has been my champion since birth. I have so many memories and stories of her driving me to rehearsals or writing conferences, and at the time, I didn’t recognize how much she was giving to me because I was a kid and figured it was just what parents do.
When I was ten, my mom took me with her to an overnight writing retreat in the Redwoods. She shared what she loved most with me: reading and writing. She didn’t have to tell me how important and meaningful it was that she brought me along to this event. We sat in circles on Redwood stumps, all the adults with their journals and notebooks and me with mine. They read their work aloud and gave feedback. They encouraged me to read, too. They told me to keep writing. “You really have something to say,” quipped one of the participants. They accepted me, and I knew I had found those who understood me.
My mom has always encouraged my endeavors, no matter the subject. I dedicated my book to her because she taught me to write. She taught me so much more, though.
Can you share the funniest or most interesting mistake that occurred to you in the course of your career? What lesson or take away did you learn from that?
Recently I confused two clients (they have the same first name) during an email exchange. I couldn’t understand why my client was insisting he had made an appointment when I knew he hadn’t! And when had he told me about his travelling plans to another country? When I figured out the mistake, I was beside myself. Not only had I mixed them up, but I’m also sure my irritation at “my client” came through in our lengthy email exchange. I even offered a transfer to another therapist! We spoke over the phone, and he reassured me that all he felt was relief that he had not made a mistake as a client and was being “fired”. I’m so grateful that he had a sense of humor about the whole thing, and it ended on a positive note.
I need to slow down sometimes. I think we all get caught up in doing things as fast as possible and it can lead to egregious human error. We are not perfect machines. We make mistakes. This experience taught me to laugh at and forgive myself for being human. And to stop rushing so much.
Is there a particular book that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
I share this a lot but the first book I read (other than The Diary of Anne Frank) that was impactful was Alice Walker’s The Color Purple. This book stunned and inspired me on several levels (and I didn’t see the movie first). The book was the first story written in a distinctly creative way, with letters from Celie to God, I had ever read. The journey of Celie and her sister was so relatable, not because we had shared experiences, but because Walker hit the notes of suffering and the emotional impact pain has on a person and families in a way that I really got. The book was the first I chose to read (not assigned in school) written by a Black woman about Black history in the United States. I knew about systemic racism, but as a young white girl growing up in rural, lower middle-class Northern California, surrounded by other white people, I didn’t think about it every day. I didn’t have to. Alice Walker was the first Black woman who showed me the impact of White Supremacy, slavery, racism, and misogyny on BIPOC people in a way that made me take notice. Her writing shaped my experience of myself and others in the world and has continued to resonate throughout my life.
Can you share your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Why does that resonate with you so much?
“There’s a price for everything”. My mom, again. When I share this quote, I can get quizzical or negative responses from others. This quote resonates with me because it embodies radical acceptance. Everything we choose to do in life has meaning, and it has a price. Good or bad, there is a price to everything that happened, is happening, or will happen, in the world. I use this quote with clients when trying to explain that part of reality acceptance is to understand that we cannot escape the consequences of ours and others’ actions. No, it’s not fair that your partner broke up with you, but there will be a price for calling him and screaming, and there will be a price for resisting the urge and calling me instead. Which action costs more?
What are some of the most interesting or exciting projects you are working on now? How do you think that might help people?
I just opened a group practice! One of my dreams has been to build an organization and group practice of clinicians with diverse identities and experiences who treat trauma. This spring my dream was realized, and I created Sana Therapy Collective. We are a group of clinicians who have come together because of our like-minded approaches and philosophies about racial and social justice, trauma healing and integration, and de-stigmatization of the meaning of “therapy” and “mental health problems”.
We provide teen, adult, individual, couples, and group modalities. Our specialties include treating posttraumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, binge eating, substance use, sexual trauma, domestic violence, anxiety/depression, complex trauma, intergenerational challenges for first generation Americans, and parenting after trauma and/or substance use recovery.
My message, philosophy, and core belief is that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment. I am drawn to work with those who feel judged, misunderstood, or marginalized. Some of my favorite clients have diagnoses like Borderline Personality Disorder, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, ‘treatment-resistant depression’, or histories of mental health experiences that felt harmful or un-affirming. I use a combination of building a healthy, authentic relationship, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, psychodynamic theory from a feminist perspective, and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to guide any work I do with my clients.
I started Sana Therapy Collective because I have experienced the power of an affirming, unconditional, therapeutic relationship first-hand as a client; and I have felt misunderstood, alone, and scared when navigating the broken system of mental health care in this country as a patient. Stigma is real, and I hope to break down the barriers between “doctor” and “patient”, “therapist” and “client” by providing highly skilled, empathic, and real therapists who come from their own experiences and allyships to our communities.
OK, thank you for all of that. Let’s now shift to the core focus of our interview. In this interview series we’d like to discuss cultivating wellness habits in four areas of our lives: Mental wellness, Physical wellness, Emotional wellness, & Spiritual wellness. Let’s dive deeper into these together. Based on your research or experience, can you share with our readers three good habits that can lead to optimum mental wellness? Please share a story or example for each.
1. Radical acceptance. As I explained above, if we cannot accept reality as it is right now and make choices based on that reality, we cannot be in the present. We are arguing with reality instead of moving forward. When I catch myself saying, “It’s not fair” or “This shouldn’t be happening/have happened,” I am fighting reality instead of letting it be. It doesn’t mean I like or approve of the reality I am in. I must be in the moment with it and realize it cannot be changed if it already happened or is actively happening. I must accept that sometimes I have depressive symptoms and sometimes I have elevated feelings of ambition and euphoria. What many in the psychiatric community label this cluster of symptoms is bipolar disorder. Acceptance is a long process, and that is why radical acceptance is a practice, much like meditation, yoga, or any other skill.
2. Window of tolerance. We all have a window of tolerance based on the messages our nervous system sends to us. Knowing and understanding what drives your feelings of fight or flight versus freeze/hide responses is important in learning how to stay within your healthy window of tolerance. When I teach this concept to clients, it is often life changing, because it illustrates the mind/body link so well. Instead of saying, “I got so anxious!” they learn to say, “I really moved out of my window of tolerance into fight or flight! My whole body was shaking, and I was sweating.”
Trauma, stress, and physical pain or discomfort can shorten our window of tolerance. For example, because I have childhood trauma from being physically disciplined, when I receive environmental clues that someone has perceived that I “did something wrong,” my window of tolerance shrinks, and my nervous system is easily activated into fight or flight mode. I can tell myself that I am an adult and I’m safe, but my brain and body remember the trauma. Because I have this knowledge about my window of tolerance, I am able to recognize when I have moved out of it. I can then do something to soothe my nervous system. In this case, going for a fast walk helps me to move the adrenaline through the large muscle groups of my body. Calling a trusted person and sharing my feelings is helpful because it gives me empathy and validation that my nervous system’s response stems from early training and is not something I can simply “unplug.” I might need to wrap myself up in a cozy blanket after the incident and listen to calming sounds or music. Or, if I feel myself shutting down and slipping into depression, I might need to put on music that expresses my emotions, and dance or move to build up a sweat.
3. Express yourself. I have had many people tell me, “I’m just not creative.” That doesn’t get you off the hook. Self-expression can take many forms. Knitting or crocheting, playing an instrument, planting a garden (even if it’s a window garden). Design a website using a free template, take photos, curate your closet. Skillshare and Meetup are two great resources that are free and can teach you how to do things and help you meet other people who are doing your things. A friend of mine recently attended a frisbee game organized by and for self-identified “geeks” on Meetup. She had a blast and told me she had never felt more comfortable in a group of humans.
Writing is my oldest and best friend. There is nothing I have found that so quickly and intensely brings me into myself. A recent example is my rediscovery of pen and paper writing. I grabbed a notebook and pen and sat up in bed just letting my thoughts and energy physically manifest. Amazing.
Do you have a specific type of meditation practice or Yoga practice that you have found helpful? We’d love to hear about it.
Yin Yoga: I love yoga. Recently a client of mine told me about Yin Yoga as a practice for those who have experienced trauma. I tried out a YouTube video, and I am hooked! Yin Yoga consists of holding each pose for up to five minutes and focusing into letting go into the pose. For many, Yin Yoga is a meditative or deeply spiritual practice. I am only beginning my Yin Yoga journey, and I am so grateful to my client for telling me about it. A recent example of my use of Yin Yoga is when I want to take a nap, I allow myself to try Yin Yoga first, as it is such a deep, quiet practice. Usually, I come out energized and balanced and no longer need the nap!
Thank you for that. Can you share three good habits that can lead to optimum physical wellness? Please share a story or example for each.
Habit 1. Find a form of movement that works for you and work toward making it a regular practice. As I shared in my example of Yin Yoga, this movement practice feels natural and authentic for what my body needs at this time. My body also enjoys brisk walks, and I fit those in whenever possible.
Habit 2. Something is better than nothing. Sometimes I really struggle to practice daily movement of any kind. What has helped me is to remember even doing a small amount adds up in the long run. Ascribing value to something based on whether or not it “counts” as exercise is a self-defeating practice. Did you do ten mins of walking today? Did you put on music and challenge yourself to speed-clean because it’s the only free ten minutes in the day (I particularly like sweeping and mopping for this one)? Did you sit on the floor and stretch for ten minutes? Five minutes? One minute?
Habit 3. Stop comparing yourself to others. I know, our society values thin, athletic, and toned. The fact is, most of us don’t work in a gym (and don’t want to), we aren’t independently wealthy, we don’t have the genetic makeup required to look amazing in a swimsuit without working out very much, and we all have unique skeletons, body compositions, and appendages. We are extremely diverse. Much of my own acceptance of my body has led me to enjoy exercise more than I did when I was hyper-focused on being skinny or buff. I’m too busy and engaged in life to compare my body to others’ and get anything out of it other than the feeling that I am worth less than someone who is “conventionally attractive”. It’s not good for me and it’s not good for you either.
Do you have any particular thoughts about healthy eating? We all know that it’s important to eat more vegetables, eat less sugar, etc. But while we know it intellectually, it’s often difficult to put it into practice and make it a part of our daily habits. In your opinion what are the main blockages that prevent us from taking the information that we all know, and integrating it into our lives?
I think our society likes to live in dialectics and binaries rather than exist through moderation. Fad diets (and actual diets) prey on people’s vulnerabilities and emotions about body size, health, and nutrition. I have personally found immense relief in deciding to follow a certain fad diet, quickly followed by anger and disappointment because when all is said and done, my body is still my body, and I must feed it more than just protein or just fat or no fat or no animal products or mostly animal products, etc., etc. I am a fan of intuitive eating with an emphasis on plant-based whole foods. That’s what I have settled on over the years. And I settled there because I stopped trying to force myself to eat a certain way 100% of the time. But in doing that, I had to be ready to pay attention to my body’s cues, which meant being willing to tune in and listen to my body and what it is asking for. I can’t explain why one day I might want tofu broccoli stir-fry and the next a turkey pesto sandwich and the next cannot stop thinking about a gooey chocolate brownie. If I force myself to only eat the stir-fry day after day, eventually I’m going to eat a pan of brownies and probably not feel very well physically. Our bodies need a variety of food. Eat what your body is telling you to eat when you want to eat it. And give fruits and veggies a try if you’re not used to eating them. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Can you share three good habits that can lead to optimum emotional wellness? Please share a story or example for each.
1. Stop pushing down your feelings. We all have early training about what is appropriate regarding gender roles, cultural norms, and the expression of emotions. I strongly believe that unless we find a safe place to allow our emotions to be released, we risk becoming emotionally numbed out and risk losing our emotional literacy — that is, being able to name the emotions we are feeling. Many of my clients come to therapy telling me they can’t access their emotions. Or they come to therapy with chronic anger or sadness and it’s impacting their lives. Find a safe space to talk about your traumas, memories, or challenges. It’s okay to feel.
2. Don’t try to let things go — learn to accept them instead. When I am trying to “let something go,” I am actively trying to loosen my grasp on it and release the emotion or experience. But what if I haven’t accepted the situation or emotion? What if I want to let go of the fact that I’m recently divorced and sad about it because I want to start dating again? First, you must accept that you’re sad. Like, really accept it. Accept it with the entirety of yourself. Feel the sadness in your body. Journal about it, talk about it, make art about it — whatever works for you. Once you’ve radically accepted your grief, you may not need to let it go after all.
3. Practice detachment. I know, this sounds so dry. I don’t mean all the time. But if you know your emotions can lead you in negative directions, detachment is a great tool to give us just enough distance for perspective.
Do you have any particular thoughts about the power of smiling to improve emotional wellness? We’d love to hear it.
I like the practice of half-smiling and use it myself from time to time. The way it was taught to me was to smile only with my eyes and experience that sensation in the muscles of my face. Bring the smile to my mouth, but only allow the edges to turn up. Settle into this for five slow breaths. Release. It is subtle, but done regularly helps us to slow down, breathe, and feel the power of what a smile can do for our brain.
Finally, can you share three good habits that can lead to optimum spiritual wellness? Please share a story or example for each.
For me, spiritual wellness is to search for meaning in our experiences, particularly the painful ones. It is to come into the moment by observing the present without judgment. Spiritual wellness can be inside every second of our lives if we look for it. I feel it when I sing, when I am outside walking and hear the birds and take in a sunrise. It’s the smell of my son’s hair and the touch of my dog’s fur. It’s chocolate and green tea and nectarines. It’s also utter sadness, loss, or pain. Or it’s the finite within those moments that remind me I am alive.
Do you have any particular thoughts about how being “in nature” can help us to cultivate spiritual wellness?
Nature has always been part of my spiritual wellness. I recommend bringing nature into your spaces in any way possible. It could be a plant or a photo or a screensaver. Nature sounds can be soothing or inspiring, like ocean waves, rain, or whales. Natural beauty can be a focal point from which to practice mindfully observing.
Ok, we are nearly done. You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good for the greatest number of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.
My movement is about using ourselves to make deeper connections with each other through vulnerability and embracing our shared imperfections. Perfectionism only seeks to divide us because who gets to define what is perfect or good enough?
We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we both tag them :-)
I would adore the opportunity to have a meal (or coffee) with Mindy Kaling. She has made a career out of expression and creativity. And she’s got great fashion, which I could really use some help with.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
https://www.caitlinbillings.com/
TW: @cemmabillings
Thank you for these really excellent insights, and we greatly appreciate the time you spent with this. We wish you continued success.
