Tricia Thornton On Raising Children Who Are Mentally & Emotionally Healthy

Seek professional help when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I often hear in my practice that parents are so busy and trying to help their children that they are feeling tired and anxious. I encourage parents to seek help for themselves even before seeking help for their children. The family system needs to work from top down.

Our children are facing challenges that didn’t exist just a short while ago. They are growing up with social media, constantly being connected, and the hurried pace of life today, as well as the pandemic, and the often-frightening news. In short, our children are facing unprecedented mental health challenges. Anxiety, depression, and even suicide are on the rise. As parents and educators, what can we do to raise children who are mentally healthy? In this interview series, we are talking to authors, parenting experts and mental health professionals who can share their expertise and advice on Raising Children Who Are Mentally Healthy. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Tricia Thornton.

Tricia Thornton’s experience with trauma as a six year old, and the ongoing fear it triggered, created within her a passion for helping little ones who struggle with big feelings. Tricia is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Registered Play Therapist (RPT), author of Blessing From Fear and sought after speaker at TriciaThornton.com. At Tricia Thornton Therapy, her private practice in Nashville, Tennessee, she counsels children — often through their natural language of play — and equips parents with the tools they need to model healthy emotional strategies for their struggling children.

Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to hear a little about you. Inspire us with your backstory!

Have you ever struggled with fear or another emotion to the point that it impacts every area of your life and being? All of us have moments when our emotions direct our thoughts and actions, but sometimes they get a stronghold on our lives.

I empower children and their parents who may feel stuck in loops of fear or other big feelings through understanding how the brain naturally reacts. Because children are still learning to express themselves verbally, I use their natural language of play to converse with them on their developmental level. I help parents recognize when their child’s emotions are moving from healthy to unhealthy. I also guide parents to become aware of their own emotions and how to manage them so that they can best model healthy choices for their child. In psychology, we call that co-regulation. Our brains are cueing for safety all day and night. A child is observing through the five senses others’ reactions and learning from them.

What are some lessons you would share with your younger self if you had the opportunity?

As for what I would tell my younger self, it would vary according to the developmental stage. I would tell six-year-old Tricia, that she is seen, heard, and worthy. I would communicate to her — most likely through play — that the peaks and valleys are part of a grand journey leading to wholeness. I would tell my elementary school age self that scary things are hard, but there is a blessing that can come from fear. I would tell my middle school age self who may fear not being accepted that she is beautiful and loved. I would tell my high school self who fears not being good enough that performance accolades are not the end prize. I would tell my young adult self who fears loneliness that she has a network of support filled with people who love her. To my 52-year-old self, who fears getting caught in the race of life, I would say stand strong and embrace a stillness and gentleness as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, aunt, therapist, speaker and author.

None of us are able to experience success without support along the way. Is there a particular person for whom you are grateful because of the support he/ she gave you to get where you are today? Can you share that story and why you are grateful for that person?

When I was six years old, I awoke to hearing a piercing scream. It was my mother. My dad yelled for my sister and me to stay upstairs. It was the middle of the night and there was a robber in our house. I leapt into my older sister’s bed, and she held me tight until everything was safe. Many nights after, I would run into her room, and she would comfort me in the dark when the scary memories felt so real all around me. Even at that young age, my sister’s actions told me that she was in it with me and that I was worthy of her care and attention. She helped soothe my fears before I learned how to soothe them myself. She’s always been there for me through life’s ups and downs, encouraging me, especially when I was trying to find courage within myself.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think it might help people?

Fear is an emotion that can freeze us in our tracks. Sometimes it’s helpful. When you hear a tornado siren, it induces fear. That fear moves you to think about shelter options and the next steps you need to take. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but it’s healthy and a helpful fear. When you experience the same sensation in the absence of a real threat, that’s not helpful.

After living through two traumatic experiences as a six year old — my beloved grandmother’s accidental death at my home, and then right on the heels of that, an intruder inside our home in the middle of the night — fear became the master of my young life.

The intruder escaped before the police arrived at our home that night. Once police ensured my parents that all was safe, my sister and I were allowed to come downstairs. I overheard a police officer ask my mother and father, “Did the intruder see your face?” They answered, “Yes.” The police officer explained that when an intruder sees your face, he’s more likely to come back. That may not be accurate, but upon hearing that, I became hypervigilant, always waiting, watching and fearing his return.

Today, the script may sound different, but children hear the news. They overhear conversations. They may have a loved one who has been impacted by a traumatic event or they may have been impacted themselves. Trauma, fear, anxiety and phobias are part of our children’s lives and like my younger self, they don’t know what to do about it.

After personally struggling with fear for many years and learning the neurological tools that can help one to soothe and grow from it, I am passionate about sharing that with others who are struggling, especially little ones. I empower my clients in my practice every day, but I’m excited to announce a deep dive into this topic that anyone anywhere can access beginning April 23, 2024.

My book, Blessing From Fear, is for parents who are trying to help the children they love deal with anxiety and other confusing emotions. It will help parents, educational professionals and other adults discover the meaning of fear in their lives and how it has shaped them into the person they have become. The hypervigilant needs of young people in this broken world can feel overwhelming to the adults who care for them. By vulnerably interweaving my life’s journey with neurologically sound tools, I help the reader discover their “True Self,” freeing them to empower their children. The True Self is our whole, integrated self that recognizes the power to choose a healthy reaction to a big feeling. While fear rises within us each day, the book guides the reader to embrace the blessings from our feelings and emotions.

Ok, thank you. Let’s talk about raising emotionally and mentally healthy children. In the Western world, humans typically have their physical needs met. But what has led to the tremendous downgrade in emotional and mental health that we are seeing today, especially for children? What is lacking in the mental health arena? Why are so many of our children struggling today?

Many factors impact the challenges to emotional and mental health we see today. In the past, parents and children were not as exposed to trauma that is around us 24 hours a day. Today media, including social media, bring frightening situations to children’s attention, oftentimes unbeknownst to parents. In addition, the breadth and size of those issues is larger and more prevalent. Wars, crime, natural disasters — these are covered daily in the news and on the social media feeds that children see and hear. In addition, the places where our students spend their days — their schools — are too often the settings of traumatic events.

Last year, The Covenant School in Nashville, Tennessee was the site of such an attack. I can see Covenant out the window of my private practice office. The shooting directly impacted families I was serving. Additional families from Covenant have become clients because of that horrific experience.

My book, Blessing From Fear, was almost complete before the horrible day began. It was as if on that day, God took my experience as a child who felt trauma, my academic pursuit to understand it, my professional experience dealing with trauma in various forms, and my writing about fear and gave it purpose, strengthening me and equipping me to help children and families confronted with a level of tragedy and emotions most people will never face. Beyond those directly impacted, was the Greater Nashville community that has felt the loss and been forced to live with the reality that it happened here.

Add to this the day in and day out fear that children naturally experience. The focus on performance in all areas of a child’s life has led to a pandemic of anxiety. From potty training to getting into the best college, a child through their lifespan faces natural highs and lows. In my counseling practice over the years, I have watched parents fall into traps of shame, doubt, and fear.

When a parent finds themselves on the treadmill of anxiety themselves, then their own “buckets are empty.” An empty bucket feels similar to a car that has engine trouble. The car does not run smoothly. The parent who feels strained by the stress of trying to help their anxious child often feels like the car is not running properly. An “empty” parent often will show signs of stress and anxiety and exemplify unhealthy patterns of behavior. A parent cannot empower a child to make a healthy choice toward emotional regulation when their own bucket is empty.

Unfortunately, the price of therapy has risen so high that many parents will not seek out help for themselves. Instead, they pour all their resources into their children. It is a double-edged sword — the child needs guidance, but the primary persons who speak into the child’s life, the parents, do as well. In my practice, for the child’s benefit I counsel with both the child and the parents. I see this two-layer approach to helping the child as something that is missing in the mental health arena. When I can both work with the child and equip the parent to work with the child, the child benefits most. I would love to see insurance companies support the family system rather than only providing direct support to help the child.

How does technology play into the equation of mental and emotional well-being? What about social media?

Technology does play a role in a decline of mental health in children and in adults. It is recommended for young children to not be on technology for more than one hour per day. Most days, children are exceeding this suggestion. With the increased use of technology during the school day for educational purposes and then a need for the use of more screen time for homework, children are using technology more and more. Research using brain scans that the gray and white matter in the brain is negatively affected by the increased use of technology. In a recent study, it was proven that digital media does negatively impact our psychological well-being and our cognitive abilities. Our brains were created for connection. All day and night our brains are searching to connect with another’s brain. The increased use of technology decreases the ability of our brains to connect because the plasticity of the brain is negatively impacted. There are positive aspects of technology, but I see more negative impacts, especially with children. Social media is a way to connect with others; however, it can leave individuals feeling lonely and disconnected. Adolescents have stated to me in sessions that they feel they would be lost and anxious without their phones or access to social media. Technology is here to stay, so figuring out ways to manage time on screens is a task for caregivers to guide their children and themselves.

Obviously, this is a huge issue, and it seems to be growing. What are some small, practical tips, or tweaks, that parents and educators can easily implement to help their children who are struggling?

I often direct a family to instill an “alone time” or a “down time” into their weekly routine. From a child’s perspective, they are having to be “on” all day. Routines are necessary in a school day; however, a child is positioned with few choices during their seven hours at school. An adult does not have to ask permission to go to the restroom during their day. They can choose what to eat for lunch, what to do on their break and even if they want to take a personal day. Alone time allows a child to feel the positive power of choice. The down time can be as short as 10 to 20 minutes. The child and adults go to their own rooms (or even to a separate corner of a room.) A timer is set, and the child is aware of his or her options, such as playing with Legos, reading a book, dancing to music, playing outside, dressing up, playing with kinetic sand, drawing, and so forth. When the timer goes off, all come back together and enjoy more self-regulated, or balanced, emotions for the remainder of the day. The key is NO electronics or TV can be used during the alone time. I encourage parents not to prep for dinner during this time or catch up on emails, but to enjoy some downtime themselves. It is a beautiful model for the children to see their parent have alone time in a mindful way. I also am a proponent of a classroom instilling a minimum of 5 to 10 minutes of intentional mindfulness during their day. There are many activities that a teacher can encourage, such as deep breathing, counting to ten slowly, journaling as a form of expressive art, stretching and moving through yoga poses.

In your professional opinion, what are certain triggers or signs that the state of a child’s mental and emotional health is not at its best? What is the best way to be proactive and address these signs from the get-go?

Children give us clues when they are struggling emotionally and mentally, and parents and educators can learn to view a child’s mental and emotional health from a whole body and whole brain perspective. Parents can watch for a child’s sleep patterns to be affected. Either it may take a child a long time to go to sleep due to big feelings or a child may wake up several times in the night. They may notice that a child no longer wants to go to everyday activities like school, after school events and practices. They may recognize that the child is becoming overly clingy to the parent and separation anxiety is increasing. They may spot the child’s food preferences shifting. The child may crave more sugar or become overly picky in their choices. Educators may notice behavior changes and a difference in academic performance. I encourage parents to be proactive and affirm the feeling that the child is experiencing. Affirmation does not mean a parent is giving permission for a child to be disrespectful or pursue any other nonconstructive means of dealing with the emotion. Instead, it communicates to the child that the parent sees and hears them. That helps the child feel empowered to make positive choices in their behavior. I also encourage parents to seek out a professional who specializes in child and family therapy.

Do you think we can do a better job of educating our children about their emotional and mental health? What would that look like?

Yes! In the same way we educate children to attend to their physical health — eat healthy, get enough sleep, exercise — I would love to see us teaching kids the essential building blocks of emotional and mental health. We need to begin by teaching them that all feelings are okay to have — it’s what we do with them that is key. Just as parents give children a healthy bedtime, they can also model healthy emotional boundaries and positive choices for their children. Parents can learn to be mindful of their own fear responses and how to ground themselves when their big feelings start to arise. Teachers, coaches and mentors in children’s lives can learn to first see and hear themselves. Then they can empower children to mindfully regulate their own emotions.

Can you share with our readers your “5 things parents can do to raise children who are emotionally and mentally healthy”?

1. Use affirming language with your child. A child often feels they are not seen or heard, which leaves them feeling lost and fearful. I encourage parents to use statements such as, “I see and hear you are feeling scared.” This promotes that the child is not alone, and they are connected with their caregiver.
2. Actively practice self-care. Parents are often triggered by their child’s emotions. To not parent from a place of reactivity, it is necessary to ground themselves. In psychology, we call the ability to exert control over one’s own emotional state “regulation.” Parents can use mindfulness activities to balance their emotions so they can parent from a regulated place.
3. Name your feelings and know that it’s okay to feel whatever you feel. You’re not responsible for what you feel, you’re responsible for what you do with the feeling. For example, you may say, “I feel fearful that my child is anxious about going to school.” There is no shame in feeling that way. Then ask yourself what you’re going to do with that feeling. A good option could be, “I know that I am scared, and I am going to choose to take a walk today and invest time in self-care.”
4. Build alone time into your child’s schedule. Children feel pressure to perform all day. For them to feel balanced within themselves, it is important to have down time each day. The alone time can be for self-care without technology, such as drawing, dancing, playing outside, listening to music or playing with modeling clay. The time can be 10 minutes to 30 minutes depending on age, and it is encouraged for parents to engage in similar grounding exercises as well.
5. Seek professional help when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I often hear in my practice that parents are so busy and trying to help their children that they are feeling tired and anxious. I encourage parents to seek help for themselves even before seeking help for their children. The family system needs to work from top down.

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources you recommend to our audience reading this interview?

In my book Blessing From Fear, I note multiple excellent resources for parents and educators to explore. Top among them are Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s book, Boundaries; Dr. Alison Cook’s podcast, “The Best of You.” and Dr. Daniel J. Siegle’s books and videos.

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I would create a movement called, “Intentional Down Time.” We all recognize what down time is, but how many of us experience even 10 minutes of it a day? This movement would give parents permission to step off the treadmill of busyness and performance to ground themselves. Parents live in a state of shame most days. I want parents to know in their hearts that they are worthy. Ten minutes of intentional down time would give parents time to gain perspective and refreshment, making them more capable of modeling positive behaviors for their children.

What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?

Visit triciathornton.com and follow @triciathorntontherapy on social for actionable tips and find Blessing From Fear at Amazon and everywhere books are sold beginning April 23, 2024.

This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.

Thank you for this opportunity! It’s been a pleasure.