Vivian Meraki On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce
You are not a failure. Your marriage may have failed, but that doesn’t make you as a person a failure. Not all things work out. Socially, we are ill-equipped with endings and good-byes. They are culturally very uncomfortable for many of us. But that’s what it is: discomfort. Not failure. Your identity is not your marriage.
As part of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” we had the pleasure of interviewing Vivian Meraki.
Vivian Meraki helps parents step into their power, break generational cycles, and build unshakable bonds — with themselves and their children.
For over 20 years, Vivian worked in corporate leadership with organizations like the United Nations in Afghanistan and health-tech pioneers like PurposeMed and Field Trip Health — one of North America’s first psychedelic therapy companies. But after years of burnout, she realized something: She was living as a side character in her own life.
That wake-up call led her to walk away from a marriage and career that no longer aligned and to step into coaching, speaking, and helping others take back their lives. Now, as a certified Life & Wellness Coach specializing in Somatics and Trauma-Informed Practices, she helps parents rebuild their confidence, set boundaries without guilt, and prioritize their own well-being — without burning out.
Vivian believes every parent deserves to be the main character of their own life. Whether she’s speaking on stage, coaching one-on-one, or helping parents navigate parenthood, career shifts, and major life transitions, her mission is simple: Say YES to yourself and NO to what no longer serves you.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?
I grew up in an immigrant household in the Canadian prairies. Our family arrived in Canada just as the energy sector changed dramatically and unfortunately, my father’s employment was cancelled upon arrival. Eventually, as he found employment, our family ended up moving around a lot to be closer to his work. Yet, with all the moving, I had a hard time forging friendships, particularly with the discrimination that was still common in many of the schools I attended.
Our household itself was traditional, strict, and stoic. While my parents loved my siblings and I, growing up, they didn’t show it through the ways that a child may often crave love and affection. Culturally, gestures of approval or affection simply wasn’t done. Instead, it was considered important to instil values like humility and good work ethic through regular rounds of harsh criticism and corrective punishment. My father also had to work away a lot, and so my mom did a lot to raise us almost alone with limited support.
I grew up trying to remain as small, quiet, and invisible as possible, so as to avoid causing trouble for them.
Looking back, my parents did their best, and they also didn’t know what they didn’t know. Despite their best intentions, generations of harmful practices made their way into their approach to parenting. I don’t hold anything against them and the generations before them. At the same time, I knew that I wanted something very different for my own children when I had them.
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
My own divorce took nearly four years to bring to a completion. My coparent and I cohabited for over two years during that time for a number of reasons, but one of them was to reduce the impact of the transition on our children. Despite our best efforts, when I moved out of the matrimonial home the children became gripped with crippling anxiety.
At the time, I plunged myself into research — books, articles, podcasts — I consumed everything I could find to help them. Unfortunately, not much resonated with our situation. We signed our children up for child therapy, which was helpful — but that was also only 50 minutes a week. I felt like there had to be more I could do in the rest of the week to support them. In the end, I applied my own approach and practices as a somatic coach to help my children, engaging them in conversations that I later codified into regular exercises and frameworks. I saw a dramatic positive shift and am happy to share that they are well on the other side now. Our bond is stronger than ever, and the children are so confident, secure, and full of life again, I sometimes can hardly believe how it was for them before.
Coming through that experience, I realized that there is a significant gap in emotional support for parents going through divorce and a shortage of practical frameworks that can help them with parenting their children through their divorce — especially when their children are not doing well. I eventually wrote a book and now am a coach that helps others build up the same confidence and empowerment in the midst of divorce as well as unshakable bonds with their children.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
I’ll never forget one session I had with a client where we were deep in the somatic session, exploring some of the resistance and blockages within their body that they felt were holding them back. There were moments where they were laughing, then crying, then laughing again. We kept going along with whatever came up. When they brought their awareness back to the room, they shared that they had never been able to get close to the emotions and blocks through all their years in different types of therapy; and for the first time, they felt they could permissions themselves to be who they wanted to be. To be sad if they were sad, or happy if they were happy without external permission. It was powerful.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
I was getting things set up in my portal. Just before I was about to send the payment link to my client, I decided to click through to check it one more time. I originally wasn’t going to because I was so sure I had set it up correctly. Good thing I did, because nothing had saved and the link was blank and the fee would have been $0. I’m so glad I checked. I’m sure it would have been fine, but definitely not the best way to start off. It was a good reminder to always take the time to check things over one or two more times before sending them out.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
This quote is my own and one that shows up in my book. “The most empowering skill you can teach your children is how to trust themselves. The second most empowering thing you can teach your children is that they can trust you.”
Divorce is the kind of life event that rocks everyone in the family — the children included. It can rip away your sense of stability, security, and confidence. In those moments, it can take time to rebuild that sense of security, stability, and confidence, brick by brick.
What we often don’t think about is how to do it with our children, especially while our own has been stripped away. The reality is that we have more power than we think. We all want our children to grow up having resilience, confidence, self-esteem, and self-trust. Yet we may not be aware of how we could be eroding those very things from them by the normal every day things we may be doing.
At the heart of building up self-trust in your child is that as a parent, you need to trust them first. It will feel counter-intuitive, because we weren’t taught to do this. For many of us, it wasn’t done for us. However, self-trust in children starts when a safe adult in their life trusts and believes them when they say: I’m full. I’m tired. I’m sick… They hurt me. I don’t like myself. I want to try that new skill.
It starts with the small things and builds up to the bigger things.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
My first book, Parenting Through Divorce: The 3 Keys to Building Unshakable Bonds with Your Children, will be coming out in May 2025, which I hope can serve a a resource for parents going through divorce and how they can support their children.
I’ve started working on my next book, which deals more with the personal healing of intergenerational wounds within yourself, which I hope can be a resource for people like me who grew up with wounds that may have been unintentional, but had a big impact — many of which come in a divorce. More to come in the future about that.
I am also creating a resource to support parents going through divorce based off of recent research I have completed, having interviewed many who completed their divorces some years ago. It’s intended as a backwards glance that offers advice for those starting to go through it now.
I am also working on a new series of webinars and workshops for parents and their children, which are launching soon.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?
I realized I had a lot more of the answers for myself and my family than I realized. In the early days of the divorce, I was called selfish a lot. That if I truly loved my kids, I would stay in the marriage for them. Yet, I didn’t want my children to grow up watching me as I was then: small, quiet, unhappy, compromising. A supporting character in everyone else’s life. Instead, I wanted to model for them a life where you have permission to choose you, to be the main character of your own life, and to live with love, joy, hope, purpose, and connection.
And all that starts by not self-betraying. It starts with choosing you.
Later, I did start to feel self-doubt when I witnessed my children going through their anxiety. I was gripped with a desperation to “do something” and had a flood of questions. Am I losing my kids to their anxiety? Will I hear their belly laughs again? Is the divorce really messing them up? Was I wrong? What could I have done differently?
At that time, I was so focused on finding external support from experts, that I forgot about myself. I was just starting out as a somatic coach, and yet, I was ignoring the biggest assets I had — me as a rock for them as well as my own training, expertise, and even nervous system to help them regulate.
In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?
Approaching the divorce in a way where you are trying to tear down your soon-to-be-ex. It may feel cathartic in the moment, but it is destructive for everyone involved, you, them, and most of all the children. Divorce doesn’t have to be a tear down. It can be a build of something new and an evolution of a new kind of relationship, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment. Strive for neutrality. If it’s possible, go with mediation, rather than litigation. A lot of lawyers will approach the divorce in a way where they are pitting you against the other parent, and drawing out the process. Notice if this is happening. Choose someone who is not only on your side, but also aligns with the way you want to approach your divorce. Those early days of a divorce are the foundation for the coparenting relationship going forward that will last many years, whether you like it or not.
In the same spirit, if you have children, please put your children first. Putting the children first isn’t just about sorting out the custody, parenting schedules, and expenses. It’s also in prioritizing their mental and emotional health and doing what you can to create more stability and love, and less chaos, confusion, and disruption. Try to take the time to have the conversations with them about what they’re feeling, what they are worried about, what to expect, and that it’s not their fault. This is difficult as you’re feeling turbulent and heartbroken at the same time and will inevitably have hard moments and opinions about your coparent. If that happens, reach out to an adult friend or find a good therapist to vent to and get support from. Don’t do it with or in front of your children. It doesn’t mean toxic positivity either, which can also be harmful, but badmouthing the other parent, venting about them, or trying to get the kids on your side can put your kids in an impossible and confusing situation and cause a lot of harm.
Children don’t have the emotional and psychological maturity yet to interpret and process all of that. They won’t blame the other parent with you, instead, they will blame themselves and think they did something wrong that caused you to feel that way.
People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?
While divorce is difficult and one of the hardest things those who go through it will have to navigate, it’s also an event that offers a metamorphosis. For many of my clients, they share that it feels like they are losing everything while also losing themselves. As they continue through it, what they find in that loss and vacuum are the pieces of the people they always wanted to be, the parent they want to be for their children, and the things that bring them hope, joy, and fulfillment. And they stop compromising.
It’s a beautiful transformation and healing process. It takes incredible courage to be that honest with yourself to look at what was working and what wasn’t working and to choose change. I’m honoured to do the work I do and that my clients feel safe enough with me to be so vulnerable with me.
Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?
You’ll know when it is the right time. Take your time. There is no rush or pressure to date again. In fact, taking the time to anchor yourself and normalize what it feels like to consistently choose you and do the things that are in alignment with you without an external influence or pressure is a good thing. Build up the most important relationship in your life first: the one with yourself. As you become that person, you’ll start to draw in kind of people who are also doing the same healing and it will feel much more aligned.
What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?
How they see their emotional responses and make choices. This is an opportunity to rebuild from a place of strength and alignment. Notice how things land with you as you make decisions. Try not to avoid your emotions and instead sit with them and observe them.
Notice how your body responds to the idea of the choice you want to make. Do you feel more expansive, inspired, peaceful, and at ease? Or do you feel compression, resistance, urgency, and stress? Do what feels right to you. It may take time to find it, and that’s okay too.
Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?
- You are not a failure. Your marriage may have failed, but that doesn’t make you as a person a failure. Not all things work out. Socially, we are ill-equipped with endings and good-byes. They are culturally very uncomfortable for many of us. But that’s what it is: discomfort. Not failure. Your identity is not your marriage.
- There is no shame asking for help. Many of the people I interviewed who look back on their divorces many years later wish they had reached out more for support. At the time, they felt the sting of social stigma, didn’t want to be perceived as weak, or felt like they needed to handle things on their own. Their advice for those going through it now: It’s okay to ask for help. Divorce is the second most difficult loss someone goes through, second only to the death of a spouse. It is natural that you will need support. Find the people who are truly on your side and rooting for you.
- This is not a break-up. The culture of divorce can be one that is defined by conflict and the idea of a severing of ties. Get the negotiations and terms of the divorce done, and then we ride in opposite directions into the sunset. If there are children involved, that isn’t possible. Instead, the divorce is an evolution. You will likely stay connected to your co-parent for many years, even beyond the time your kids grow up. Graduations, holidays, weddings, birth of a new baby — you’ll be in each other’s lives for a long time. How do you want to interact? This divorce sets the foundation for that future. The more grace, compassion, and space you’re able to offer one another, the better the foundation for the future. Obviously, there are situations where this is simply not possible — and in those cases, find the best supports and experts you can who can help you navigate that.
- Prioritize taking care of you. You are the bedrock and touchstone for your children, all while feeling shattered and disoriented through this difficult time. Your kids need you, but you also need you. There is no guilt in taking care of you and prioritizing your own emotional and mental health. Set healthy boundaries for yourself — even with your children. You know the context of your situation best. You what’s best for you and your family. Trust yourself. Take care of you. Do the things that feed your soul.
- Do not dismiss your kids as resilient. This is a tough one to talk about. Societally, a common thing parents going through divorce hear is: “Don’t worry, kids are resilient. They’ll be fine.” Yes, kids are adaptable; however, to build resilience, you need more than friction and adversity. You also need support. Resilience isn’t only about adjusting to a new normal. Because children don’t have the emotional or psychological maturity yet to handle the full weight of what is going on, they don’t have the tools to manage it, or the knowledge of what is going to happen. They need support, clarity, and stability to navigate the change with you. If the divorce rocked your world, it will rock theirs even more. This is not to make you fearful. It is to make you aware. Take the time to explain things to them, reassure them, support them on their terms.
The stress of a divorce can take a toll on both one’s mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?
In my opinion and experience as a somatic coach, the only solution to alleviating the pain and anguish that will last in the long-term is to carve out time where you take the time to lean into the pain and anguish and feel it. In somatics, we often will say you have to feel it to heal it.
If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like shouting into a pillow, shout into that pillow. Put on some music and notice how your body wants to move to the music. Move and notice what comes up for you. Follow what your body feels like doing — so long as it doesn’t harm yourself or others.
I also recommend journaling. Write out what you’re feeling. Journaling is helpful in helping your brain process what you are feeling and to organize what is coming up for you in a way that only thinking doesn’t do. When you are staying in your thoughts, they have the tendency to spin and ruminate.
Often, what can happen is that people will try to numb out the pain. They may ignore and suppress it and try to “move on.” Unfortunately, when you numb out the pain, you are numbing out your emotions in general. It’s an all or nothing. There isn’t really an in between. You may feel less pain, but you also feel less joy and love. You will also feel less attuned to the emotions of your children.
I also suggest carving out time because it’s also not realistic to be a walking raw nerve all the time either. Divorce is overwhelming and will take awhile to process. So setting aside the time when you can really sit with and notice your emotions, feel them, and process them is helpful.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
At the time of my divorce, I struggled to find resources that helped me. Those that did weren’t about divorce, but were rather inspiration that I applied to my situation.
Polyvagal Practices, by Deb Dana. This is a great book guide that shares how to become more aware of and manage your own stress responses and nervous system, which is at the heart of how to teach your children to do the same.
It’s Not You, by Ramona Durvasula. If you think you may be dealing with a narcissist in your life, this book is incredibly illuminating. It doesn’t deal with divorce, but is still very supportive.
Parenting Through Divorce: The 3 Keys to Building Unshakable Bonds With Your Children. This is my own book that is coming out soon — is it too cheeky to say that I love my own book? This book is my heart and I hope it helps other parents navigating this very difficult time.
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
My dream is for parents to find the authentic version of themselves that has always existed within them. To live lives full of love, joy, fulfillment, purpose, inspiration, and connection: connection with themselves, and connection with the ones that matter most to them. And as they lean into their own authenticity, that they are empowered to pass down a new kind of generational wealth and legacy to our children. A wealth that is about how to access unshakable self-trust, self-love, and innate self-worth and authority.
We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)
Martha Beck. She is such an inspiration. When I listened to her on Diary of a CEO, what she has shared about the power of alignment and the mind-body connection resonated deeply. In that moment, I realized that she started working with somatics likely before we had a name for it. I love the work she does, what she overcame, and how she now inspires others to do the same.
Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!
