Wynne Nowland of Bradley & Parker: How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself

Identify your strengths and focus on making them stronger, and identify your weaknesses and try to correct them. This was actually on an old Honeymooners episode and it resonated with me when I first saw as a child. It stuck with me ever since.

As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Wynne Nowland.

Wynne Nowland is the CEO of Bradley & Parker; as featured in the Wall Street Journal, she came out as a transgender woman at the age of 56 to her entire company in an email saying: “You’ve all known me as Wayne, but tomorrow morning I will arrive to work as Wynne.” She was already out to her family and many friends but coming out at work was her final step to being who she truly was and almost everyone at her firm greeted her with open arms. As one of very few trans CEO’s, Wynne can provide unique insight on trans issues and topics as a trans business leader and entrepreneur.

Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.

I always love this question. Like so many other people in the insurance business, it’s not a particularly interesting story! I’m not sure how many kids grow up saying I want to sell insurance! I started in this business almost 40 years ago now thanks to a very dynamic college recruiter that helped dispel a lot of the negative myths about this industry and subsequently placed to me with a firm that had a very dynamic leader. I never looked back.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?

Yes, there are a couple of new exciting things on the horizon for us. As I mentioned before, this business is not necessarily interesting or known for its innovation, but we are bringing some truly fresh concepts and approaches that are definitely getting traction. That’s exciting. There’s also a very interesting transaction in the works that could enable us to substantially increase our footprint across the nation and bring these concepts to a much larger audience.

Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self-acceptance?

The word journey is part of your question, and it’s just so appropriate here. I truly believe every life is a journey and like all journeys there are some parts that are easy to navigate and some parts that have roadblocks. For me specifically regarding my transition, it was a gradual awakening culminating in a tipping point that said, yes, I think I can do this and pull this off!

According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?

Wow. That is a daunting statistic. I think so much of that comes from all forms of media, broadcast, social media etc. and what their traditional quote unquote standards of beauty are. I think so many of us hold ourselves up to ideals that are not realistic. The consequences are constant self questioning and low self-esteem which are certainly detrimental. I think that is why the whole body positivity movement is so encouraging.

To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself it’s truly so important?

I think so much of what we bring to our careers, our relationships, and our existence as a whole is seen through the prism of how we see ourselves. If we can’t love ourselves and think positively about ourselves, I believe that it taints everything else we do. Feeling good about yourself is contagious. It’s going to make your interactions more positive and rewarding.

Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?

I often believe people stay in mediocre relationships because they are comfortable and the thought of change is more daunting than simply staying in something that is not ultimately fulfilling. My advice to people on these kinds of issues is all the same, and it relates to time. Out of all the things that we can change or impact, the one thing we cannot do is make more time so time that is spent in a mediocre relationship is then kind of by definition wasted time. That to me is never a good idea.

When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?

Funny you should ask this… A couple seconds ago we were just talking about the importance of self-love, and I was thinking that it isn’t self-love with the constant hall pass! I think you’re absolutely right, people still need to be self-critical in a positive way, kind of like constructive criticism for yourself! I’m not sure there’s an actual litmus test for this kind of stuff, but I generally think that for me the overriding principle is asking myself a few pointed questions… Am I treating people the way that I would like to be treated? Am I just taking or am I giving something back? Am I making sure and doing what’s right for me I’m not hurting others?

So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?

So, so important. With respect to relationships, so many people relationship up. They go from one to another without ever taking the time to be alone with themselves and self reflective. And, unfortunately I think that just leads to more relationship hopping. And even when in a secure relationship I think a long time is important. I think the ability to kind of entertain ourselves is crucial, whether that’s taking a run, watching a favorite TV show that you love that nobody else wants to tolerate, or losing yourself in a good book. All of those are good ways.

How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?

To me, it’s kind of just self-evident… Understanding yourself and being able to accept yourself makes it much easier for you to be empathetic to others. I think it makes us better listeners and I always think that’s a good thing.

In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?

To me, it’s really pretty much the same for individuals or society as a whole. We need to be able to communicate that we all come in different shapes and sizes, colors, preferences the list goes on and on. And that none of them are wrong, none of them are right, none of them are better than the other. If that attitude became persuasive in society, we would need to be having this interview right now! It’s

Here is the main question of our discussion. What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?

• Identify your strengths and focus on making them stronger, and identify your weaknesses and try to correct them. This was actually on an old Honeymooners episode and it resonated with me when I first saw as a child. It stuck with me ever since.
• Don’t correlate your value with how you look. I think it’s natural that we all want to look our best and for me personally I always want to put the best version of myself forward, but it really doesn’t have anything to do with who we are inside or the value we bring.
• Don’t be afraid to express yourself, whether it’s verbally, in writing, social media posts, etc. Do you have as much to add to the conversation as anyone else and doing so as a routine will increase your self-confidence.
• Take time for yourself. The world we live in and sometimes seem so fast paced and overwhelming that we get caught up in its vortex without allowing the time we need for ourselves. Whether it’s getting a facial or a massage or even just allowing time for self-reflection it is so important to schedule some “me time.”
• I think for a lot of people this one is the hardest, so I left it for last! We all know those people that are in our orbit that are kind of toxic. They’re not really adding anything to the equation for us, and in fact are probably subtracting from it. It really is best to separate from these people and if that’s not possible because of business reasons etc. at least keep them at arm’s length. Instead, align yourself with people that challenge you in a positive way to be your best.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?

The two books that immediately came to mind are both by Janet Mock, who chronicled her transition and her discovery of self in her first book “Redefining Realness”. She continued sharing her journey in “Surpassing Certainty” which focused more on her life post her transition. I think both books are good reads not just for people in the process of their own transition or self-discovery, but for anyone that wants to know what that experience is all about. Two podcasts come to mind, Pretty Big Deal with Ashley Graham and Radio Headspace. Ashley has been such an awesome role model for the body positivity movement.

It was kind of unheard of for a plus size model to achieve the wide level recognition that she has. And she’s used that same as a springboard to help empower all women. I particularly like her podcast because it’s a good mix of the serious and the fun and what girl doesn’t want to pick up some good fashion tips along the way! Radio Headspace is a companion to the popular app and can be useful in incorporating some of the concepts we’ve talked about during this interview. Try it out on your next jog or maybe on your commute!

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…

Well, that is certainly thought-provoking. I think with me being trans, it would have to do with helping the trans experience become more normalized. I think in our society, the more people understand something and the easier it is to accept and support. Relatively after my transition I was approached to tell my story and was kind of reluctant to do so because I thought it was private and I was just living my own life. But as a little time went on, I realized that by sharing my story I could potentially help others by providing a positive role model and example, not just for people going through transitions, but for those around them.

Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?

I’m so glad you asked this question too! And coincidentally, it has such a strong correlation to what we’re talking about in this interview. It’s from one of the books I mentioned above by Janet Mock; “Those parts of yourself that you desperately want to hide and destroy will gain power over you. The best thing to do is face and own them, because they are forever a part of you.” As a person that was going on a similar journey to Janet at the time, this quote was super meaningful. But I think it totally applies to a lot of the concepts were talking about here. You can’t be loving yourself and excepting of yourself if you’re desperately hiding part of yourself. That becomes your own form of toxicity. Instead, embrace who you are and celebrate the things that make you unique. There’s only one you, and let the world know it!

This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!