Recently while online a comment left by a fellow Aspie had me thinking. He said that it was a fact that NT’s and Aspies are not going to fully connect in a relationship. That there will always be a massive barrier. I wonder if this is true? or maybe he just hasn’t found the right person yet. I’m twenty eight now and have been in a few long term relationships from about the age of sixteen. Yes there were barriers and there have been obstacles that have stopped me from being completely honest with some people or connected at the level they would want me to be.

Is this because of my Aspergers or is it just because some people aren’t right. I do think people with AS can feel love but I imagine it is different to what is NT love. We will never know how different because trying to explain love and how you feel to anyone is a bit like trying to explain a colour to someone that is blind. Yet I know that it must feel different. AS people have emotions and to say that we don’t and that we are some kind of machine is wrong. Yes our empathy and sympathy may be a little watered down but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have it. I can see however how this can be seen as a barrier in a relationship. Often I have hurt someones feelings and have had no idea what I did and there are times when someone is emotional and I haven’t noticed. Equally when someone is upset I do still notice things like tears and change in tone of voice I just might not react to it normally.

Example, one of my old work colleagues made himself cry, he did it while I was away from the counter so that when I came back it would be obvious to anyone that he had been crying. He and a few others decided that this would be a good idea as it would test my reactions. This is someone I have known for a while and they met me before diagnosis so when I got diagnosed it was hard for some people to see it as they thought they knew me. Some of my friends decided that they would test me. When people cry I know they are upset it doesn’t take a genius. However this person never got upset and I had never seen them in this way, so if anything it made me uncomfortable and the whole situation was just wrong to me, it didn’t sit right I ignored them none of my coping mechanisms kicked in. Eventually they came clean and told me what was going on.

However when I am in a relationship it is different I get to know people and everything about them. That saturation with another person means that I get time to follow face movements, tone of voice, body language I become an expert in that person and can then I guess give off an artificial empathy. Admittedly this takes a long time and they first few months can be hard. My current relationship is up to a year old now, it is the first relationship I went into where I went in to it diagnosed and let them know all there was to know about me and how to deal with situations that may come up. I took nearly three years out of being with anyone just so I understood everything I could about AS so that when I went into a relationship I could be prepared. I did this because have hurt many in the past not through choice or intention but because I thought it was right and and the thing to do. Either by ending relationships or not picking up on how someone was hurting, you can’t be there for someone on a level they want when you don’t understand.

My current relationship is different I went into it with the asperger guide book. I knew enough to be ready and luckily for me the person I met was patient and understood. I did sort of give her the get out scenario and that if it was all too much and she didn’t want to be involved with someone with AS then she didn’t have to there was no pressure. Like any relationship there are bad patches and there are times when miss communication is a nightmare. However I now know that all I needed to make a relationship work was enough information about me and how I work so I can verbalise any issues I might be having or times when I am confused, to learn all I can about my partner and their body language as well as them to tell me what they are feeling and not just hope I pick it up. So far this has worked and the more I learn the better we become. This sounds like a lot of work but all relationships are, especially when it comes to NT/AS love. However if you want someone you have to try.

Maybe the man who said that AS and NT will never fully connect has just not found the right person or doesn’t know how to compromise. AS does make me very selfish and closed off and more bothered about myself than anyone else most of the time and I do enjoy solitude most of the time. That I need someone to just get me because I am the one with a social disability so it is them that needs to make the effort. However this is wrong, just because someone is NT doesn’t mean they don’t have their own special needs. This is just my opinion, you can never know how someone feels and thinks NT, AS whatever.

The one thing I am a stranger to and don’t know about is a AS/AS relationship. I have heard that this is a perfect match. For compatibility as needs are the same, problems are similar. However all AS people are unique their symptoms, obsessions are different. So the same problems no matter how unique or different. Instead of things like upsetting someone because you forget their birthday or you don’t tell them you love them when they need it, or compliment them enough. You have a whole load of other issues, like sensory problems or accidentally screwing up their routine or causing unnecessary anxiety. So instead of him saying NT and AS can never fully connect and that there will always be barriers. Maybe he should of just said AS people find it hard to connect with anyone. I am not even sure what he meant by fully connecting, he must of meant in a traditional sense an NT/NT connection, what people believe the perfect relationship is. NT/AS connection is just as valid it maybe completely different, but it is a connection and a full one, once you understand the obstacles and how to tackle them.