C’mon like me when I’m angry

Countdown to meltdown

I’m now at the stage where the medication is completely out of my system. Two and a half years of chemical stabilisers, gone. My anxiety is through the roof but I am using Mindfulness and various other sensory coping techniques:
- Bear hug vest
- Tangle Jr
- Even a toddlers teething toy
- Also knowing to stay the hell away from certain situations (crowds, supermarkets and anything on TV that features James Corden)
That deals with the anxiety that has made a come back. However I am starting to get a wave of emotions hammering their way through that I haven’t had in a while. As the title of this post suggest anger has become a dominant force. I find myself getting angry at a lot of things now, things that wouldn’t normally bother me. I’m starting to take things personally and aggressively. I have been turned down from various jobs, which instead of me seeing that as not that much of a big deal. I am getting pissed with the people who think I am not worthy of their job.
Even some of the people that I went to Uni with have started writing books and broadcasting their own Youtube webisodes. I am angry towards them because they are showing some sort of progress in life. Could be jealousy could annoyance at my own situation. Also after a ridiculous conversation with my mum I got so I wound up I blocked her on Facebook.
Something else that came back the other day was something that I haven’t had in a while which is violence towards inanimate objects, just because I feel they are testing me. When I was younger I have smashed up ironing boards, my mums side gate, a book shelf, threw a laptop out of the window and smashing a set of draws to splinters because they wouldn’t come apart in the traditional fashion. I’m not a violent person at all and haven’t injured any one, I am always in control enough to not turn it on a animal or person. it’s all ways objects that feel no pain.
I’m kind of happy that the anger is back as I haven’t felt it in years. I think I would take anything at this point. Obviously my senses and emotions are coming back to me so it is a good sign. However I need to know how to control it as well.
Nothing I have mentioned so far is a problem, just teething issues as I get my bearings. One problem is my sensitivity, it is at an all time high. Like many people on the spectrum sensitivity to certain things is always a problem. I have always been sensitive to light but now some lights including day light is blinding. Smells are becoming overpowering not only am I noticing more smells, but smells I can normally deal with I can’t. Cleaning up after my pet Iguana has become more of a how long can I hold my breath competition. The one thing that isn’t the best is I have found myself getting agitated and short tempered with touch. Now when my girlfriend tries to touch me softly or say something in my ear, or someone one gets in my personal space, even talking on the phone has started to make my blood boil.
If I am not careful before you know it I am going to start having the daily meltdowns, which is how I ended up on medication in the first place. My most memorable was a meltdown on a bus in front of commuters.
Anyway so far so good, though I haven’t had a meltdown this week at all which is acceptable and I’m not worried that I made the wrong decision packing in the medication. I think even if the meltdowns came back stronger than ever I wouldn’t take the drug route again. I think I have everything under control this time. Any Aspies who are on medication and are thinking of coming off, my advice would be have a load of coping strategies in place. A main strategy, that has a back up and a back up for that back up and then a contingency for when all that falls through. It’s all very difficult and takes some serious mental strength but hopefully in time it will be easier for me. Which if I can do it, then I don’t see why it can’t be done by any burger. I hope his doesn’t discourage anyone from going down this path.