Anxiety has probably got to be one of the worst things that can bother anyone, most people get it at some time or another and there are some unfortunate souls out there that have to deal with it on a daily basis. I never thought that I was one of these people that had to deal with Anxiety and I never really understood how someone could deal with it, daily. Even after diagnosis I kind of thought that I got lucky and it wasn’t one of the symptoms I had to deal with. Turns out I just didn’t know how anxiety works and what it was. Having AS means that a lot of your feelings are diluted and things you experience are either delayed or you just can’t cope with them, causing meltdowns etc. Obviously the negative emotions cause meltdowns, panic attacks, the positive ones are nice and calming the only annoying thing about them is most of the time I can’t pin point why I am feeling good or what triggered it. Anyway the point is I didn’t know I had anxiety issues because my brain didn’t let me know.

I have probably had anxiety issues my entire life or at least for as long as I can remember. It has always been there and because of this and not being diagnosed I just thought it was normal and this is how everyone felt. Which in turn can make anyone angry, you see people getting on with their lives and doing day to day things with great ease but you don’t understand why it is not the same for you, most of the time I was an angry child because you see this all the time and start to hate things based on how hard they are, yet for everyone else no problem. I heard “That’s life” a lot when I was a child.

I just figured I hadn’t found my place in life and that one day I would find the right job and place for me and that would be that. I was convinced that as soon as I found the right path all my worry and issues would be lifted. AS people like to obsess and when you don’t know what anxiety is and you don’t know what your body is telling you, you look for external answers. Once your mind is made up on what this external answer is then no matter what anyone tells you, you think you have it sorted so I became obsessed with finding my true calling.

So anyway over five years ago I moved from my family home to University. To study as a scriptwriter, I thought this is the way forward for me. However the anxiety was still there, so you look for something new to answer the question of that weird feeling. What I went with was my health going to University introduced me to more things like wikipedia, google and facebook. Armed with a little bit of information you start typing in your symptoms and it will tell you what you want to hear, your ill. All aches and pains caused by AS like chest pains, trouble breathing, joint pain, head aches are all signs of cancer or some sort of evil illness. I know that they are more than likely down to anxiety, but because i have become obsessed that I am dying in some way means that I can’t really be convinced otherwise.

In time I will understand more and get that I am not ill and just anxious, if anyone out there on the spectrum knows how to reverse this process or has any tricks to battling anxiety then let me know. Being a late diagnosis I am starting to get the hang of it and I am getting loads of good information on anxiety. All people out there with AS that are experiencing the same thing, I think the trick is knowing what it is and knowing your not going to fall apart. It’s going to be there your entire life, the trick is to know what it is and ride it out.