I don’t look that bad?

Are you an Aspie? do you hear the phrase or “oh you don’t seem that bad” when people find out about your AS? If your like me then after hearing these phrases you probably end up feeling angry or irritated or both. For a long time now I always thought that the problem I had with people saying this was because I wanted people to see and to know that I am different. I wanted people to always know that I am a different, so it made me angry that I am not showing my difference to a level I like.

Sounds weird I know, but being a late diagnosed burger. I struggled to believe my diagnosis in the begining. It started when I went to a private therapist. She knew straight away that I had Aspergers, half an hour through my first session she just dropped it on me. This was a relief as I thought I was a someone who just refused to play the game of life, I worried that the therapist would say to me “its all you, you need to change”. When she said that I had something that was out of my hands and it wasn’t me that had to change, that I just needed to adjust what I do. I thought it was awesome to have something that I could use as an explanation and sometimes an excuse. But I didn’t really believe the therapist I liked saying it to people to get out of stuff but I didn’t believe her because I didn’t feel a change in myself.

This didn’t stop me from looking for a diagnosis, I made sure I got it in writing. My therapist said to me that I did not need a diagnosis, that it was best just for me to know and not to get it set in stone. I needed it so I could believe it and use to get some leverage on my own existence. When I got it, which by the way wasn’t easy as anyone trying to get a diagnosis knows, it took a special team ages to diagnose me.

It didn’t help, even when I had it in writing I didn’t believe it and I didn’t make my peace with it because I didn’t feel it. It took ages and ages for me to accept it.

So back to my point when people said to me “You can’t tell”, “You’d never know” or the one that I hate the most “You must have a very mild version of it”. I got angry. The world was telling me “You don’t have it”. None of this helped me accept and believe what I was. I also remember during this time I used the phrase “I have Aspegers” or “It’s because I have Aspergers” a lot. I said it aloud as much as possible I now know that it wasn’t to tell people but to try and hammer it into my own head.

I have been writing an article lately about being a social chameleon and burying my true self to survive. I discovered that as a child I learnt to copy and mimic NT behaviour. I did this because being AS got me into trouble. So I copied the NT way of things, no one knew when I was a child no one knew so they just thought I was being a little bastard, so pretending to be something else was the only way forward.

Even though this helped me survive, but I lost my identity in the process. For a long time I felt that I had wasted my life being something I am not. As time went on people saying”You can’t tell” just reminded me of getting diagnosed too late.

Three years of therapy later and I finally believe it. I love being an Aspie knowing my strengths and weaknesses means I haven’t had a meltdown in months. It has helped with getting a job and keeping one as well as maintaining a social life and I fully accept what I am.

However the other day someone said the words “You’d never know” the feeling of anger came back and I know why. I don’t need an NT person to tell me this. AS awareness is not that great, all Aspies are different depending on how they were raised and when they were diagnosed. The average person has no idea what Aspergers is. I didn’t till three years ago. The government strapping it to general Autism doesn’t help that much either. Most people expect me to be a mute, or without emotion. They expect me to go “Rain man” in crowds. Just dropping to the floor, screaming with my hands over my ears. Peoples lack of understanding or they stereotype they expect is what makes me angry today. I don’t meet their criteria and so they don’t believe me, they forget or they believe I am diluted. Most Aspies fight their battles and their problems in their heads, behind closed doors. This fight is what pushes them to meltdowns or public outbursts. Seeing as we don’t go out that often, it’s not seen and when we do leave our lair’s (especially me), we do at our most calmest and docile.

NT people can’t measure autism. When they judge on how effected I am by aspergers they are just marking me on what they Expect, the autism stereotype. I realise now they have no clue what they’re talking about. There isn’t varying degrees of aspergers. Just the symptoms and traits are different depending in the individual. I know what I am, and know that the majority of the world have no idea what being a burger means.