Starting to see a pattern.
Haven’t posted anything in a while or been that involved in social media. I have been trying to get my hands on some kind of employment. I have been unemployed now for so long it has gotten past the point of irritating. It’s not like I haven’t been looking for a job I have been pretty much throwing my CV at anyone who will read it. Filling out all the bullshit on-line personality quizzes that decide whether or not I have the right mind set, answering the constant questions about team work, customer service blah blah blah. I have been to group interviews with all their pomp and unnecessary tactics to find the individual best suited. Even though my personal opinion is obviously a tired and negative one towards the whole employment process, my attitude and behaviour while in public and in these situations is different. If I can fake being NT for 19 years all the way through the education system I can handle a half an hour interview, pretending to give a damn about some company and its vision.
Yet here I am I have taken two voluntary jobs so that I can just get out of my flat as I was starting to go a little Jack Torrence from “The Shining”, I now think that this had something to do with my last few posts about my rage. Being out of the house is good anything that distracts me from my own thoughts is always a bonus. That means that don’t I go inside myself and start to think about any flaws that are slowing me down, or issues, or as I have noticed recently my hatred towards other people who lives are coming together nicely. A job is a job and despite how much I thought I hated my old retail job I realise the stress and exhaustion it caused me was better than the alternative of constant rejection that I deal with now. I am not angry, bitter or even looking for sympathy. Like all Aspies when something keeps happening and a pattern emerges you start looking for an answer or a cause for these series of events.
I have been through different government work programs and temp agencies (as evil as they are) to find work. Even they couldn’t help me, despite all their promises and assurances.
Aspergers appears to be the pattern or the problem for me. Disclose it or not it’s what has to be putting people off me. I have applied to a job in all industries and sectors and can not get past the interview (if I get one);
– If I don’t disclose, my strange behaviour, monotone voice or lack of facial expressions comes across as lacking passionate or not bothered about the position on offer.
– If I mention it in the interview peoples lack of awareness becomes an issue. They don’t know what changes would be needed in the work place (which aren’t many) it’s not like I need a ramp or something. However that doesn’t stop them from turning me down. Obviously I haven’t any proof of this but I have an example . After being unsuccessful for a position I was told that I was the second choice, which I thought was fair enough. The same job came available again two months later. I applied again and wasn’t even offered an interview, they didn’t know about my AS till the interview.
– For a short period I added my Aspergers to my CV as I thought it would be good to be honest from the start. I described it on my CV as a positive and I explained why. Every CV I handed out with that on it and I had nothing back. Nothing at all. I left it on there for a couple of months. The second I took it off I started getting interviews again.
I’m not sure why people are giving me a wide birth because of it, but the evidence I have gathered tells me that’s what the problem is. I suppose as far as equal opportunities goes I am not obviously at a disadvantage, I don’t look or sound different and for short bursts I appear normal. Many people who know me well forget that I am an Aspie and because of this have taken offence to things I have done. They have had to take a time out and remind themselves that I am not doing things with intention and that I am just different. People that have turned me down which has been 20+ in the last 8 and a half months not to mention the countless people that just didn’t reply to my applications, had to be doing it for some reason. I have re-written my CV over and over, it is has been checked and changed by professionals. I have reinvented myself over and over and still the same result. It’s the Aspergers, it has to be seeing as I can’t even get a night time warehouse job.
As mentioned I am not trying to get sympathy or even complain, or try and get some kind of justice against society. Until Aspergers is recognised for what it is and the world accepts and understands it I am probably just going to come across the same problems, I imagine all the bad press Aspergers has had lately isn’t helping either.
Being a late diagnosed Aspie doesn’t help as my coping mechanism I honed over the years to survive was to blend in and appear NT. I am trying to ignore my old NT ways and be complete AS but it isn’t that easy, could be if I were a pure Aspie things would be easier. For now it’s voluntary work and having to claim benefits to stay mentally sound. Self employment could be the answer but I have no idea what the hell what I would do?
