Why can’t we be friends?

I like many burgers have a small almost none existent friendship group. Probably have done my entire life. I read an article recently about how if you have been friends with someone for seven years or longer you have a friend for life, it did make sense and it is true in the NT world. Everyone has someone who has been deemed their best friend most reading this can name at least one. I’ve never had this I have probably called someone my best friend and I have done this more than once but really they weren’t. At the age of 29 I have never needed or yearned for a best friend and even with the the few friends I have now, I don’t miss them and I don’t think about them when they are not around. As far as the seven year rule goes I have maintained friendships much longer than that and am no longer in touch with my “friends for life”. Take my secondary school “best friend” I knew him from the age of 9 till I was 18. Am I friends with him now? no. I don’t even know where in the world he is and seeing as I haven’t seen him in 11 years, I can’t remember his face or the sound of his voice despite all the hours we had together. I don’t miss him and haven’t thought about him in a very long time. I am only thinking of him now to be honest because of this article I read and while writing this blog I wanted an example. I haven’t missed him since the day we parted. The last day of college when he went one way and I went the other, as soon as he was out of sight he was out of mind. He isn’t an exception either to this kind of treatment from me.

Does this make me a monster? No it doesn’t. I have never understood why people need to have friends and seek out their company. My girlfriend has this problem. Her home town is a two hour plus drive away, her friends that she grew up with are all there. She has friends here but I don’t think they are the same for her. Once a month she tries to go home and see her friends, if she goes any longer than that then she will miss them and need to talk to them. She uses things like “Whats app”, “Snapchat” and “facebook” to have group chats and stay in touch. Even though I have no idea why she needs to do this and why anyone needs this kind of constant connection I respect her need for it. Even though I have all these apps myself and use them all on a daily basis, I use them for purely selfish reasons. I don’t see them as a way to catch up or stay in touch. I post pictures of things I like, my statuses are always ones of a self centred nature. I hate group conversations and delete myself from them when too many people are talking as it gets on my nerves. I see a lot of friend selfies and people posting pictures of all the good times they are doing as BFFs. I don’t even “like” or comment on any ones posts if I know they are popular as it will annoy me. I keep thinking why are you spending so much time with these people? what are you getting from it that I don’t need or want.

Obvious reasons why some with Aspergers doesn’t need friends makes perfect sense and anyone who knows enough about it, know we are happy to be alone. You don’t have to force us into anything or feel sorry for us. There is no need to worry about me being sad and alone, I’m not. I don’t worry about you needing a constant social top up to maintain your happiness. I figure the only reason I made friends despite what I have just said, was pre-diagnosis I needed to blend in and not bring attention to myself and friends are a way to achieve that. I’m not saying that is the only reason I had and have friends but that was the beginning drive that pushed me into a friendship. I had seen way to many people bullied because they were seen as a loner and your taught in school to share and play well with others. So being part of a friendship group was necessary to now arouse suspicion, not suspicion towards my autism as I wasn’t aware of it. However my internal thought process and subsequent “behaviour” got me into way too much trouble. Some people decided to pursue a friendship with me and I let them, some I went towards them however this was rare and in special circumstances. While in education and work I had friends and only in this sort of establishment have all my friendships been forged. Anyone reading this who is a friend of mine, we met because we worked together or studied together. This arena is how I know them and 90% of all interactions I have with these people will be at work, uni, college whatever. If any of these people try to talk to me outside of these self styled contact centres will find that I am impossible to track down and meet up and when the do finally meet me I am usually quiet and reserved. I have even on many occasions seen people I know well out of their associated arena and avoided them. I have hid, crossed the road and even blanked so they don’t force an unwanted interaction. I need these people to get through the things society is making me do, but to interact for the sake of interacting is difficult. I need my solitude I need my down time, people should keep their interactions with me in the confines to which they belong. Weirdly I text and message people in my alone time, mainly because I think I am just having a conversation with the internet or my phone, I don’t really link it to the people on the other end.

When the course I am studying or the job I have ends or I leave the friendships go with it. Hence the long 9 year relationship with my school friend ending as soon as college was over. To see that person in a different environment is impossible. I can’t interact with them in new surroundings. I could have known someone for years but if I see them in a new setting I treat them like a stranger and our interactions are strange and wooden. I even start to build a different relationship a brand new schema for a friend to base my interactions on. This person doesn’t realise that they are making a first impression all over again. I am building an entirely new relationship and have binned our old dynamic. Sound weird? welcome to the Asperger mind. I can’t see anyone being able to maintain a friendship with me. They would have to roll with the punches, they would have to keep rebuilding a friendship with me over the years every time the rug was pulled from under it. There have been a few who have tried to cling on, that despite of all the changes that happen as time goes on they still keep in touch. Which intrigues me, why would someone keep doing that? surely it is frustrating? that they are doing all the work while I am slowly forgetting them. Somewhere down the line people have caved and given in. They have moved on and abandoned the friendship as it is too much effort for so little pay off.

I am the one who needs to make the effort, eve though I don’t need the friendship. If I did try a little they could be maintained and long living. After nearly 3 decades though I haven’t craved it so why should I?. Is it a selfless task on my part or in time could I understand and love friendship? Maybe there are hidden benefits that I just can’t see. When I finally get back into work I will have an all new friendship group, should I behave any different?

Just to clarify this is my personal view on this and I know there are Aspies out there who can keep friends and like having them. Female aspies especially like friends and are much better at it, way better at the whole social thing but once again this ins’t true of all female aspies. As my blog isn’t meant to state rules set in stone that Apies live by as we are all different. I’m just high lighting similar traits and behaviours.