Production Details Behind The Rise Of Skywalker Revealed

I was going to be doing my review for Disney’s final entry into the Skywalker saga today but this morning I was forwarded a text dump from a previously unknown Disney IRC channel. I present its contents here verbatim…

<Iger> What the hell?

<Kennedy> Relax. We still cleared 200 million domestic and 400 million worldwide in the first week…

<Iger> But the reviews!

<Kennedy> Ask George about the prequels sometime. You think the reviews are everything?

<Lucas> No. Don’t ask me. I sold it off. I’m done. Out of it. Not my fault you guys made a mess of it. I presented ideas and you said no. You have nobody but yourselves to blame! You brought Abrams on and he put out a piece of incoherent twaddle that was emotion driven but completely nonsensical. My seven year old could write a more coherent screenplay!

<JJ> Hey now!

<Lucas> You kept Mark Hamill off screen until the final frames and he says and does nothing! What the hell was that?

<JJ> It’s called a “cliffhanger”…

<Lucas> Spoken like a TV guy who doesn’t really “get” the big screen medium. I never would have done something that insane. And what’s with the Kylo Ren hatred of his father? You never did explain why on that one. Not in The Force Awakens nor in The Rise of Skywalker. It will remain a mystery for all time. Appalling.

<Kennedy> George, I thought you said you were out of it?

<Iger> Yeah!

<Lucas> Oh…sorry. Forgot.

<Johnson> I gotta agree with the old guy on the porch just a bit. JJ you left me holding the bag to figure out what to do with Hamill.

<Lucas> See?

<Kennedy> GEORGE!

<Lucas> Sorry…

<Hamill> Oh he figured it out…he just figured it out all wrong…

<Johnson> This ain’t your father’s Star Wars anymore. And it ain’t yours either Hamill! It was time for a clean break.

<JJ> Clean break? If, by writing the franchise into a corner by all but killing off the Rebellion and throwing in a non-sequitur story arc with that detour to Canto Bright where they literally accomplished nothing that mattered to the film’s narrative at all…you want to call that a clean break be my guest. I call that a big hole I had to dig my way out of.

<Johnson> Don’t be hatin’ on my screenplay dude. It makes a lot more sense than a First Order which secretly rises up out of nothing to destroy the Republic in the first film and then an even more powerful Sith fleet which secretly rises up out of nothing in the last film. And what’s with that paint by numbers ending? One Avengers Endgame a year is enough!

<Feige> Hey now!

<Johnson>You want to explain how Rey got Palpatine’s powers but his child didn’t? And while you’re at it explain the timeline you just created with that reveal which meant that Palpatine had children while he was Emperor?

<Lucas> I never would have written anything that ridiculous!

<Jar-Jar> Exqueeeeze Me!

<Lucas> Oh…yeah...right.

<JJ> I’m not interested in explanations. We had enough of that crap in the prequels. I’m only interested in setting the proper emotional tone.

<Lucas> And emotions you got plenty of. You played the audience like a cheap violin with your tone perfect emotional cues. But at what cost? Episode 7 couldn’t hold up to even the slightest narrative scrutiny and Episode 9 is even worse. My trilogies made narrative sense. You might not have always agreed with my choices, especially in the prequels, but if there was an action that took place it at least made sense in how it fit in with the film. Not like what you two did with this trilogy. What a terrible way to treat my franchise!

<Kennedy> Dammit George!

<Lucas> Sigh…

<Snydercut.com> RELEASE THE SNYDER CUT!

<Kennedy> Oh shit! Who let THEM in?!?!

<Snydercut.com> RELEASE THE…

<Iger> WRONG STUDIO! Get lost punks!

<Sarnoff> You see what I have to deal with Bob?

<Iger> Your own fault. You basically fired Snyder and let Whedon take a hatchet to his film and after reshooting like half the film wound up pleasing no one. Now they’re on your ass and will stay on it until you do something.

<Whedon> And to think just a few short years ago I was the heart and soul of The Avengers and Marvel Cinema and beloved by all…

<Joe and Anthony> Not anymore…

<Feige> Guys, not now…I’ll handle this Bob.

<Kennedy> You’ll handle this?!?! I see what you’re up to Mr. Baseball Cap. Comics ain’t enough for you any more. Now your gonna try and muscle in on my turf? I’m on to you man…

<Feige> My studio isn’t in disarray Kathy. I don’t have director issues…

<Wright> Ahem…

<Sarnoff> Let’s not be casting stones in glass houses Bob. Ever since Disney acquired Lucasfilm you have made a mess of things. Two very public director changes (one in the middle of filming) and wholesale reshoots. Five films in and The Last Jedi is reviled by many, Solo is reviled by most, and while The Force Awakens was a box office smash it had more plot holes than a piece of Swiss cheese. And as the decidedly mixed reviews continue to roll on in for The Rise of Skywalker, Disney could wind up with its best Star Wars film in the post-Lucas franchise being the all but forgotten Rogue One. You may be laughing all the way to the bank now but keep going like this and the cash flow is going to dry up as you alienate your fans.

<Iger> Maybe. But I at least don’t have fans on my ass demanding films they want to see released.

<Alita2.com> WE WANT AN ALITA SEQUEL!!!!

<Johnson> Abrams, you neutered just about everything I tried to do in my film. And for what? To please a few internet malcontents?

<JJ> You killed Snoke! You killed my heavy before we learned anything about him. You turned Poe from a shit hot pilot he-man into a sniveling whiny bitch who constantly disobeys orders to the point that even the audience watching the screen can’t believe what he’s doing.

And that’s just for starters. I had to fix all that crap.

<Trevorrow> My intention was…

<Kennedy> Nobody cares!

<Johnson> Fix? You brought back Palpatine from the dead. Nobody is buying that bullshit. The Death Star blew up with him in it. There was nothing left to bring back from the dead. And don’t bring up “sniveling characters” around here bud. You made Finn afraid of his own shadow for the entire first film and I had to spend considerable time fixing that in my film. Terrible writing.

<Hamill> You should talk. You totally misinterpreted my character from start to finish.

<JJ> Yeah…

<Hamill> And you made me just stand there and look stupid at the end of the first film.

<Johnson> Yeah…

<Lucas> Things were never this screwed up when I owned Lucasfilm.

<Kennedy> Shut up!

<Iger> Why did I buy this mess for?

<Scorsese> For the theme park rides…

(Do I really need to state the above was satire?)