A 360 Degree Change: Why I Don’t Believe In Love Anymore
Change is the only constant.
The most clichéd statement but probably the truest also. I’m not a huge fan of change but having gone through so many changes since birth, I’ve realized that it’s essential and inevitable. The best way to deal with it is to not resist it. I don’t take it well when I realize there’s a change coming but then I swallow the pill and then ride the wave.
Just till the beginning of this year, I did not believe I could ever be a person who goes to the gym. I am a very private person, especially when it comes to my daily life. It is but natural that I like to workout alone at the comfort of my home where I don’t have to feel conscious of myself and keep thinking if I look like a fool (which I probably do). But then I noticed that my growth was stalling, I was hitting a plateau and more than that, I had no structure to my workout routine. A few of my co-workers had already joined a gym so they encouraged me to do the same. I thought about it for quite some time and then finally, decided to get a gym membership.
The night before my first day was nerve-racking. I was anxious. Most people would laugh at this but I was downright terrified to do this. I was supposed to go alone to a public place to workout when I knew squat about “working out” and didn’t even know a single soul in there. Oh and don’t forget, fend off the creeps because gyms are full of those, right?
It’s been a month since I started going to the gym regularly. Yes, it took a lot of effort to admit to trainers and other people that I’m new, I need some help. Constantly asking how to work a machine and being intimidated by the weights section because you are lifting peanuts in comparison to the veterans.
Never did I think that I would be rather fond of the gym. If somebody had told me a few years back that I would wake up at 6.30 AM to hit the gym before leaving for work, I would have said, “That’s so not me”. What I’ve noticed is that nobody really has the time to look at anybody, everybody’s trying to figure out how they can optimize their workout in the limited time they spend at the gym. It’s likely the most non-judgemental place too. I met a few people, all on different timelines in their fitness journey (one of them had been training for 10 years!) and all had only encouraging words to say.
Change always doesn’t have to be physical. A change of perspective is a huge change in your life. This is the tricky one because you still look the same to others but are not.
I was a believer of love. I used to love ‘love’. With time, age and some harsh experiences, I’ve changed to such a degree that I truly don’t believe in love and by that, I mean romantic love. I don’t want to offend anyone but intrinsically I believe that none of us really love anybody. We just love the idea of loving someone. We love the idea of an Instagram story or a wedding shoot. We love the idea of a Sid & Kiara wedding. We love happy times, travelling together and couple goals.
We often forget that saying I love you is much more easier than acting upon it. If today somebody told me they loved me, I’d very likely not believe it. You think it’s that easy to love someone, anyone? You like them all right, you like their smile, their body, the way they make you feel and if you are getting somewhat deep, you like them for who they are.
But love has actually nothing to do with like. Love means showing up even when you don’t want to. Love means being patient with someone when you want to blow their brains out. Love is when you’re kind especially when you want to hurt that person as much as they hurt you. Love means having power over someone and not wielding it.
The thing about change is that not only does it allow you to make a fresh start but also learn from your previous situations. I used to fancy myself in love with the person I wrote about in this piece The Boy Who Loved Me up until a few months ago. Even though I’ve been over him since 2020, I never really cared to look someone else’s way. And being just 4 months short of turning 27, you should know that everybody in my life is asking me to look someone’s way- actually anyway.
A few weeks back, I met someone at the office. And I gotta be honest, it felt like the sun will shine again. My friends and I know him as the “water-cooler” guy because that’s where he first bumped into me. In my first meeting, I wasn’t sure whether he was trying to flirt or just be friendly because I usually get the latter. I didn’t pay him much heed until one day I realized 2 things- a) I’m kinda digging the whole beard vibe and, b) just like Lara Jean in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before if I thought about him, I forgot about other people. The next day onwards, I was doing what I always do. Try and get his attention and look for a chance-meeting again. I did this for 2 whole weeks until I realized what I was doing. It took a minor setback in my work to slap me in the face and wake me up.
I know it’s a life-long process and I’ve already seen it so many times, but every time it amazes me just the same. How life and circumstances change a person and how liberating it can be. A few years back, I would have thought my current perception to be cynical and negative but now I see it as being peaceful and content. Change makes us uncomfortable and conquering that discomfort makes us powerful and trust me, as you get older, power is a lot more appealing than anything else.
