A Romantic And A Misandrist
I have my moods and phases. I often think of myself as a closeted romantic (guess not so closeted anymore, since I talk about it in almost every single post!) but maybe I’m also a misandrist.
At first, it seemed shocking to me. I call myself a feminist but as I acknowledge that this feeling of wanting to be equal doesn’t actually stem from a want of right but instead a contempt for men. I’ve thought about it quite a few times that why is it that I’m more friendly with women. Isn’t there a pattern here? All of my closest friends are women, all of my mentors and idols are mostly women and my biggest confidante is also a woman.
Why is it that I seek refuge in a woman’s heart whenever I’m troubled? Why don’t I feel jealous or envious of the women I know? Why do I genuinely wish the best for them? And why do I feel indifferent towards men’s accomplishments? Why don’t I care about them?
It’s possible that it’s been ingrained in me that due to a long-standing patriarchal system, men can fend for themselves. They don’t need my help or my sympathy. They don’t need my support to pursue their dreams. Even now, when patriarchy is slowly but surely crumbling down, I still feel a need to beat men, a need to overpower, a need to win.
Maybe it’s because I come from a female-dominated family. Maybe because I have never known what it’s like to have a brother. Yes, my father has quite the influence in our house as the head of the house but as weird as it seems, I find myself vying for his chair (quite literally, whenever Dad can’t join us for Lunch, I love to take his seat at the dining table!).
I’ve known it all along, that underneath my shy facade lies a dangerous hunger for power and dominance. That’s precisely why I choose to cover it with shyness and introversion because if I let my soul succumb to that hunger, it can very easily lead to its demise. And that’s probably the reason for my hidden contempt. I’ve been seeing all things that I want wearing the shroud of a man, when in reality, that’s probably not the case.
So how does it work out for a die-hard romantic, who’s also straight to be a misandrist at the same time? Sadly, it doesn’t. I find it very hard to like a guy when my brain is telling me to compete with him. But like I said, I have my moods, so sometimes I give way to emotions.
The worst part about writing this is that I’ve not learnt a thing about letting go of my prejudice. I know for a fact that I’ll probably continue to think this way. I’ve often accused my guy friends and relatives of shoving their inner misogynist under the rug, only for it to be presented later in the disguise of gallantry.
So, for all you men I know and the ones that I have yet to know, if I don’t like you, just know that it’s nothing personal. You’re probably amazing human beings, just not to my liking. Don’t worry, as I write this, I’m quite aware that the feeling is mutual. Cheers!
