Ten Things That Really Grind My Gears
As a Cis Korean-American Male in my 30's
Problems are inherently democratic. We inherit them the moment we are born and have them until we die. Problems do not care whether you are wealthy or poor. Young or old. Able-bodied or not. They simply spring up and signal when there are pain points in our lives. Like a splinter in a finger.
The choice is ours whether we first admit and then take the splinter out of our fingers. Or ignore the wound and allow it to fester and become infected.
As I previously mentioned, the recent acts of hatred against Asians isn’t new. It is part of a well-documented cycle where history continues to repeat itself. What can be new though, is collectively speaking out against Anti-Asian hatred.
I want to acknowledge the inherent privilege within my list before going any further. For instance, I was born in the United States. I always had a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I am not worried about a routine police stop becoming fatal. I’m positive there are other elements of privilege in my life that I’m not even aware of.
It’s easy to take privileges for granted because they do not cause problems. Human nature is wired to focus on the things that cause harm or pain. Not on the things that are going right. Focusing on the latter is practicing gratitude. Something I think we can all continually work on.
To those of you with problems where I can help or make a difference, please let me know because I am open and listening. I am writing this article to open a window into my mind and share the problems I see as a Korean-American man. Hopefully this transparency can begin a dialogue and create a bridge for us to talk.
Below are ten things really grind my gears. Splinters in my psyche if you will. A way to identify the kernels of hate that contribute to the Anti-Asian hatred that we are seeing today.
10. Gaslighting And Culinary Plagiarism.
The Korean and Asian food that I grew up eating was considered “smelly” and gross. Now, you have chefs in Europe and America cooking with these same ingredients and being praised as “revolutionary” or “daring.” Double standards much? At least we know spicy food will never be culturally appropriated.
9. Words Matter.
Retire terms like “far-east” and “oriental.” I am not an exotic object adjacent to your perceived superiority. Just like how the sun does not revolve around the earth, the same applies for my identity relative to yours.
8. What Is Your Collateral Damage?
Asians are systematically excluded from conversations on diversity. It’s hard to contribute when I’m being marginalized and excluded because of my race. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read articles on “diversity” only to find a menagerie of races mentioned, except for Asians. This seems antithetical and hypocritical to the ethos of diversity.
7. How (Il)literate Are You About The Asian Community?
Stop thinking of “Asian-Americans” as a monolith. We are a diverse community that makes up over 7% of the U.S. population. We are the fastest growing racial group. There are more than 20 countries with very different cultures within these two words. This outdated label is harmful because it hides marginalized communities like Cambodian, Lao, Hmong, and Vietnamese in the shadows. It ignores the poverty, lack of access to education and the unemployed.
If we have the mental capacity to rattle off stats about different players, teams and sports, the least we can do in 2021 is recognize that Asians have distinct identities and personalities in America. We are not some faceless, nameless, overachieving horde.
6. Where Are Your Blind Spots?
Stop assuming I don’t care about social or cultural issues because I am a Cis Korean-American man. Stop using me as a straw man. Just like you didn’t choose your gender or sexual orientation, neither did I. We all need to be part of the solution. Let’s focus instead on the real problems are, and how we can unite to tackle them. Don’t make me the enemy before you even get to know me and my personal beliefs.
5. Can You Share Three Adjectives That Define Asian Men For You?
Effeminate? Nerdy? Awkward?
Stop implicitly believing, internalizing or perpetuating the myths created by Hollywood that Asian men are effeminate, weak or subservient. When’s the last time you actually gave us a chance? When you invested in our development? Or even given a second thought? The tacit acceptance of these false narratives is pure poison and needs to stop immediately.
If you really want to believe Hollywood, then I guess it means that Tom Cruise really was the Last Samurai and Matt Damon saved the Great Wall. That Daniel Day Lewis was the Last Mohican. In this case, how about we cast an Asian-American James Bond? Or how about an Asian-American President? I could get behind these fantasies.
4. If Equality Is A Universal Right, What About Accountability?
Stop using culture, “respect for elders,” or ignorance to excuse bad behavior. Hold everyone accountable, equally. Push back against your parents and friends if they say racist shit. It’s not okay. Yes, we need to respect our parents and grandparents but this does not mean a free pass for bad or toxic mentalities. It takes courage and love to educate the people closest to us. We fight for what and who we care about. We ignore and marginalize those we do not.
3. Let’s Fire The Gatekeeper.
Stop gatekeeping what it means to be Korean, Korean-American, or Asian. It’s common within the Asian community to call someone “white-washed” if they deviate from a personal definition of what it means to be Asian-American.
I am Korean-American and Asian because of how I was raised, my beliefs, shared culture and appearance. As a result, anything I do (or don’t) becomes a way to push the boundaries of what it means to be Korean-American within the Asian community.
Yes, I am Korean-American and grew up in a household that spoke Korean, love Korean food and have visited Korea many times. I’ve also run over 7 marathons and drink bourbon. I am vegetarian and try my best to be vegan. I love all animals and not just pets. These examples are facets of my personal identity that blend with my cultural identity. The more facets we have the more common ground we have with other people. Get it?
2. Pardon Me, Your Privilege Is Showing.
Stop approaching Asian people in public places to ask “Where are you from? No, where are your parents originally from? Oh Korea? Ann young ha sayo..am I saying it right?” What do you want, a cookie because you know one word in Korean? This passive-aggressive shit is arrogant, stale and rude because it presupposes that you are “native” while I am “other.”
I don’t care how old you are, or what life was like when you grew up. I don’t care if your intentions are “pure” or if you are genuinely curious. Rude is rude, and age isn’t an excuse for bad manners. If anything, I judge you more because you’ve gone through life this long without learning basic lessons in human interaction and etiquette. I’ll fucking mention it if my ethnic identity is relevant to our interaction. Otherwise, keep your fetish behind closed doors with other consenting adults who have taken the blue pill.
1. It’s Time To Retire The Model Minority Myth With Extreme Prejudice.
There was a point in time when the model minority myth served a purpose. Asians were brought in as cheap labor after slaves were freed. The Japanese worked the sugarcane plantations in Hawaii while the Chinese built the railroads on the West Coast. Then, scapegoated, killed and chased away once the work was completed. Ignored and also forgotten in the history books as well.
Things reverted back to “normal” for a while until Americans went to Japan and force open trade relations in 1853. Then a series of wars in Asia resulted in the subsequent Asian diaspora to America. The Koreans arrived after the Korean War ceasefire signed in 1953. Then the Vietnamese after the Vietnam War in 1975. Then Laotians and Cambodians after the “Secret Wars” in Southeast Asia also in the 1970's.
The thing is, our ancestors had watched what was going on in America before the diaspora. They likely theorized that the original immigrants were unskilled laborers and easily replaceable which is why they were driven out of America. So really it was our “fault.” A classic way to internalize racism to maintain the illusion of control within a collectivist society.
So we turned to accomplishments as a way to protect ourselves. You may not like me, but you’d respect and listen to me if I can save your life/ business or career with my MD, JD, engineering degree or MBA.
This is why Asians worked hard to become “useful” to society. Why we adopted the mantras to: 1) Just work hard, 2) keep our mouths shut, and 3) absorb the hatred.
This is the reason why we absorbed the racist comments calling us “Bruce Lee” or “Ching Chang Chong,” and slanted eye gestures, because it could be worse, right? At least we weren’t being shot in the streets or incarcerated, right? At least we weren’t starving in the home country, right? We actively engaged in the Oppression Olympics and we always tried our best to win.
For 60 years this was the silent deal that fueled the model minority myth. The Faustian bargain that modern Asians in America thought we had until COVID-19.
This pandemic has shone a spotlight again on the fact that even in 2021 Asians have never been truly welcomed, or accepted as full-blooded Americans. There never was a deal. There was only the myth.
As a community we need to stop subscribing to the outdated mentality that our self-worth should be based on what school we went to, how much money we have, or how “accomplished” we are.
If you went to a great school, have a lot of money, and are a doctor, lawyer or engineer because of your dreams, then great! I’m happy for you. Are you happy though?
We should consider redefining what Asian-American success means. Instead of whether we have M.D., J.D., PhD or MBA next to our names, how about checking if we have the biggest smile on our face in the mirror every day?
Instead of how much money we have in the bank, how about asking ourselves if we have enough and are genuinely excited for work on Monday morning?
Rather than showing off the house we live in or car we drive, how about asking ourselves whether our moral footprint is as big as it can be within the our community?
Let’s transform the two words “Asian-American” from “model minority” into “happy, healthy, fulfilled and engaged within our community.” Where our success is defined by our own metrics and by things that fill our souls with contentment rather than external validation and acceptance that we know will never come.
If we are perpetual foreigners then I say we should find our own happiness in ways we can bring joy to ourselves and others. Not because we have to prove our value to society. Rather, because we choose to.
I would love to hear from you if you have social or cultural things that go unspoken but grind your gears. Either about how you are treated, perceived or if some of the items on this list surprised or resonated with you. Transparency and dialogue are the first steps to healing. Will you join me on this journey?
If you want to learn more about the Asian-American experience, I’d highly recommend you watch the recent video with John Oliver.
