Chapter by Chapter Interview with Author Emily East (1/n)
[Transcript]
Clinton Brown
Hey, everyone, welcome to actually our very first episode of Chapter by Chapter. I was just telling author Emily east that this is something that is so selfish for me; I have wanted to do this because I’ve read books. I want to get an author at a coffee shop or on zoom in this case and say, What were you thinking when you wrote, read, you know, wrote this part, or where did this idea come from? And so I’ve been working with Emily over the last several months on her book. And I said, Emily, Are you game? Can we really dive in and talk about the different parts of your book? And she was like, yeah, absolutely.
Let’s jump into this. Let’s unpack some of these concepts. So welcome. My name is Clint Brown. I’m with awaken Village. This is author Emily East. And we’re going to dive into her new book that’s coming out as of this recording; you can’t buy it. So if you’re listening to this now, it’s not available, but it will be later this year. And hopefully, you will be first in line to get a copy or to grab a copy directly after this; you can dive into this. Emily, would you be so kind? You have no idea what I’m going to ask you. I told you I didn’t? You don’t know. So you’re just present? No questions in advance? Could you give us just a snippet of a backstory? How did the book show up on this journey? Now I know where today we’re gonna talk about your preface and intro, the really juicy. I wanted to just camp there. We might get to chapter one might save us for another episode. And then, from there, we’ll go chapter by chapter, as we discussed. But to you, when you’ve had this new experience of motherhood, which I won’t, I won’t get into the details because there’s a whole book about that. But I don’t know many other mothers who said this needs to become a book. So what, what happened in there that sort of took you through this natural process? And you thought I gotta write this down?
Emily East
Huh, great question. I found writing was almost a little bit like my therapy; to be honest, it was a way for me to get these overwhelming new thoughts and new emotions almost out of me and, you know, into a physical copy. And for the, for me, it was sort of, yeah, just that therapy and a real journey on discovering what was happening to me and what was going on. Because I was a new mom, I was overwhelmed. I was confused. It was a brand new experience. I was asking myself, Who am I now my values were being redefined? And I was confused. And I didn’t really know what to do. And my default mechanism was to understand what was happening in my brain and what was intellectually happening, and what was the logical thing that was happening, what was the, you know, rational thing that was happening. And so I would research, and I would think about what the experts were doing, and that I was writing about that trying to make sense, you know, trying to logically and use my mind and my brain to logically make sense of their transition that I was going through. And that’s how it sort of came up. But what the writing process actually did for me was unlock so many different paths that I wasn’t even imagining would happen. And it led me on this journey. While I was thriving, it led me on this journey to begin with the mind and to begin with us this understanding of how our brain works. And then it dove really deep into like childhood, childhood trauma or childhood, you know, inner child work, it came to like, how women express our sensuality and our sexuality, and it just went really deep, really quickly, like escalated really quickly. And then that sort of is the journey of the book, it sort of begins with what is happening. And the more I went on this journey, the more language I discovered to explain what was happening, the more vocab I had, and the more understanding I had of what was happening. And that’s sort of the journey of the book is the transition a woman goes through from who she used to be to, you know, being reborn into this motherhood role at her she is,
Clinton Brown
You know, I really appreciate that, and when I got to read an early copy of it, and then now rereading, it has the same vulnerability that I appreciated at the beginning, which was if you could get a new mom-to-glasses of wine in, just say what is going on?
Clinton Brown
It has that sort of candor, which is refreshing because, as a parent, I have four children. There are so many raw moments as a parent that is disorienting. And you feel like nobody else is experiencing this because they’re not putting it on Instagram or whatever. And so you think, is this a right to feel? Should I tell somebody, like, what I talked to my Bible study group, or my mom, or my neighbor or a sibling, or like, I’m saying there’s this weird sort of false sense of like, it’s a hybrid private thing. And I think you do such a good job of just laying it out there. And having some big language that I think people will really resonate with. And I’m going to dive right into it from the preface and get some really heavy stuff right in the preface that I think people will just immediately connect with and say, This is real. This is real talk. This isn’t warm, fuzzy self-help. Guru BS. This is, like, an honest conversation that I’ve been desperately wanting to have.
Emily East
Oh, great, that’s lovely. And I think that’s really the hope for it as well is to bring out from the shadows so much of the motherhood journey that isn’t told or that isn’t seen and those parts that perhaps we’re a bit embarrassed by, or the perhaps the parts that we cringe, you know, there’s parts in the book that I cringe when I write them. But I also feel like this story needs to be told. And, you know, it is sort of heavy, and it is sort of shadow work. But it’s all it’s I think it’s all about, you know, finding joy, and it’s light. And it’s fun. And it’s in a way that we can relate to each other and have that camaraderie as well and almost laugh at ourselves a little bit, too. So I’m really great that you are really grateful that that’s the vibe that you got because that’s 100% what I was going for when I was writing,
Clinton Brown
Well, good, let’s come out swinging right in the preface. And this book is juicy. So just in chapter one, there’s a pause that says, go read the preface, and intro, do yourself a favor, read the preface, and enjoy this book. Because Emily doesn’t waste time getting into the thick of it right out of the gate, a lot of books you score to skip the Prep Center, but this one, you don’t want to. So I just grabbed some quotes here that I thought I had not seen. I’ve not heard anybody say that or seen that in writing before about motherhood. And so I’m gonna die, and you don’t know where I’m going. So just be with me. The words here you have are, you’re talking about this sense that like you were waiting for it to get better or waiting for something to happen. You said I realized with some dismayed that I’ve been spending my days just waiting for time to pass. And the sentence before that, you’re just talking about waiting and waiting and waiting, waiting for this, waiting for that, which really meant I was waiting to die. So I’m gonna let just hold there. I’m gonna go a few paragraphs later; you say if I had been able to let go with grace, maybe even a little funeral for that part of me, grieve it, say some nice things about it, read a moving poem. I could have been more open to receiving something just as wonderful or even more so. I’ve, I’ve never heard a mom talk like that. What? Like, at the moment that you had this realization, in reflection, with those strong words, Was that scary? Like, talk to me about the weight of that? Because of that concept, I was waiting to die as a mother. I’m gonna go out on a limb. It’s not in many motherhood books.
Emily East
Well, I just felt that in my early days. As a mother, I was literally just hanging around, literally waiting. I was waiting for naptime. I was waiting for bedtime. I was literally watching the clock wanting it to go faster. I was waiting for my husband to get home. I was waiting for the weekend. And I was just like, What is my, you know, and I, it was scary because I was thinking, being a mom, I knew being a mom was the most important job and the most important work I will ever do. And I felt like I was wishing it away. And you know, when you’re pregnant, everyone gives you advice, and people would show you photos of their own kids. And they will say, Oh, enjoy it because it goes so fast. And my reaction was like no, it is not going fast. I refuse to blink and miss it. I’m going to soak up every moment of it, and then when I connect the dots of going, I’m not doing that. How how do I do that? How do I suck more joy out of this rather than just waiting even though I was just waiting for a nap might have just been waiting a couple of hours, waiting a few more hours, waiting a few more days. What that was actually meeting was I was just waiting and wasting my life away and wasting this precious moment away. And it was a big wake-up call to go. No, this isn’t happening. And I think part of the waiting was being able to get back to the things and the person that I was before I had kids. So, you know, if someone asked me before I had children, who are you, I’d say, I’m a school teacher, I love to play netball. I’m really social. But those are the things that I did. It’s not actually who I was. And I was attached to those things that I did. And I thought that was who I was. So when I was waiting, I was waiting for my body to come back. So I could go for a run. I was waiting to stop breastfeeding. So I could, you know, have a night out or go away for a couple of nights, easier than you usually would. So I was waiting to be able to do those things that I could do. I wanted to fit my new self. And this is the language that I love to use is I was hoping to fit my new self. And I was trying to squeeze it back into my old life. And it wasn’t until I realized that I’m not that person anymore. I’m not, you know, I was clinging so tightly to it that I was restricting myself, and I was restricting my own personal growth and my own journey. I was restricting my own expansion into who I could be. And it was within that process that I realized that you know, playing netball, going for runs doing yoga, those things aren’t who I am, that’s not who I am at my core, those are the things that I enjoy doing. And, I can find new things. And maybe I can find new things that bring the same amount of joy as the things that I used to be doing. But it’s not to say that I would never go back to doing those things like I’m playing netball now. So it’s not to say that, but I’m going back with completely different energy, and I’m not restricting my growth for it. And I think if we understand that transition if we have more identity, if we can embody more of our identity if we can be more identity conscious, and actually understand that, and acknowledge who we were, and then make space and make room for who we’re actually going to be and step into. So that was sort of the journey for me and the meaning behind those words.
Clinton Brown
I really appreciate that honesty about sort of the identity crisis or the identity transformation because that talked about as maybe in books where someone’s, you know, got a cycle, psychology bent on it. But I’ve worked for 15 years with those teenagers in the community. And about kids senior year of high school, around the age of 17, I had this series of camps that I did for kids, and I felt 17 was a really pivotal year because you’re just about to do this adult thing, whatever that is. And I would give a talk, and the parents would show up expecting me to give a talk to the kids. And they were really shocked that it was a talk to the parents, and I would say you’re about to go through an identity crisis. Because you’ve got your identity wrapped up in your now your kids’ activities. Right? Your kids right now, Emily, are so young that you’re sort of still the master of ceremonies. But here, in a few short years, if they’re half as loaded as you are athletic as you are, they’re probably going to be into stuff. And I would say give your parents some grace. Because you’re ready to leave the nest, you’re ready to go. But they’re gonna panic because they wake up in the morning thinking about your schedule and your diet, and your expenses. And I think that we don’t do I think the funeral is such an interesting concept, Emily because at least in Western culture, you’re in Australia, I’m in the US. We’re both Western colonized countries, right? We have sort of a Western worldview. We don’t do we don’t have we’ve lost a lot of ceremonies. We’ve lost a lot of transitions. We’ve lost the coming of age, which you talk about. We’ve lost the sort of transitional things that say, the old has gone, the new has come, we’re just sort of somehow supported this smoothly morphed into the next thing, whatever that is. And then you have a baby, and it’s like abrupt. It’s like drowning and a two-by-four to the face. And then someone just deleted all your old files, and you’re just like, what was going on? Yes, there wasn’t much transition. So I like the concept of the funeral because it’s something culturally we can look at and say, one chapter is complete, another chapter starting.
Emily East
Mm-hmm. And it can be really hard because there’s, it’s like, you don’t want to let that go. You don’t want to say goodbye to that part, it’s really hard. And, you know, the average age of a mother in Australia is 31, I think. So it’s like, we’ve spent a lot of time creating ourselves and building ourselves and developing the life that we want. So to get to that age, and then to have everything changed again, it’s like, Oh, my goodness, I don’t want to, like I’ve worked so hard to build this. And to create this, it can be really hard to let go. But understanding that it’s not, you’re allowed to be sad, and you’re allowed to grieve, and you’re allowed to cry. But I think that understanding this transition and the death and rebirth is the way that we can come forward and actually really step into who we are and really own who we actually are born to be. And by clinging so tightly to that part of ourselves, we restrict ourselves so much. And I think it’s just about that language. And when I sort of started learning about initiation rites, I was just like, Ah, this makes sense. Like, it is meant to be hard. It’s meant to be hard. Because that means we not to be like, Yes, I did it that was hard like tech, I achieved it, well, who going me, but because I journey into the deepest, darkest parts of my soul, and I found something I never knew I had. And now I can bring those gifts forward, and I can bring them to myself, I can bring those gifts to my family, I can bring them to my work or to my business. And it’s so much deeper, and it’s so much richer. And you know, you might have heard of those initiation rites that there’s so many for men, there’s so many designed for men like there’s the one most famous is you might actually know the culture, but they put young boys hands in those mitts with the stinging ants, and they in they invade, they shake them up, and they sort of get them really invigorated so that their venom is at its most poisonous before the envoy sticks their hand in. And then they’re surrounded by the men, and they’re chanting, and they’re sort of encouraging him, they’re standing there with him. And then he takes it out, and they bandage him up. And he’s not that boy anymore. He’s now a man. And I remember being so interested in these rights because I was like, they have to go to that extreme. For men to get the same amount of transition a woman makes when she’s a mother, there’s another initiation one where there for men, young boys are just forced to go out into the forest and survive on their own for two days. And they’re like, strapped to black, you know, these wood hanging over a river, and it’s like, full on. And my thought was they have to do that. That’s, that has to be that insane, to mimic what a woman goes through as a mother, but my also my thoughts were, I am so privileged and honored to have an initiation right built-in for me, like, my body and my soul. And my spirit is actually born to create, and it’s born to birth and create new life. And that’s just gifted to me just by being a woman. And that sort of gave me that insight to go, wow. And this shift, this mindset, this hot set shift. In seeing it that way. It was more like, ah, like, it was like a breather. I was like, it’s meant to be hard, like are meant to find new gifts within myself, and almost like what a privilege. What a privilege. I get to be a mother, and I get all of this light to shine on my shadows, and I have an opportunity. And that was the real turning point where I saw for myself, Okay, I’ve got two options now.
Emily East
I can literally I literally feel like my whole world has crumbled my whole life. Who I was before I had children is gone. Left that’s gone. What I can do now is I can try and scrape it back together. I can try really hard to piece it back together. I can force it to try and fit, and I can almost go backward in a way, or I have a new opportunity. I feel like everything has been bulldozed to the ground. I have a new opportunity to rebuild and to recreate myself from the ground up, and That’s what I say as I did. And that’s the journey of the book as well. And, you know, I think of like the I was watching this documentary about this hurricane in Puerto Rico, and they were talking about how everything was destroyed all the township, all the buildings, and they were talking about some of them, like the government previously had almost just tried to help them build back their houses build exactly what they had built them back up again. But every time they had a hurricane or every time they had bad weather, they would be faced with the same devastation and the same loss. And it was only until they had this new government that they were building more sustainable houses, they were building eco-friendly houses, they were adjusting to the situation. And then, no matter what hurricane came along, their houses were still standing. And I really felt like that me, I’m going to build myself up from the ground up piece by piece, I’m going to do one break by one brick by one break, I’m not going to do it all at once. And I’m going to just create myself, and I’m going to build this, and it’s almost like, it was a little bit overwhelming, because it was like, Okay, well, who do I want to be now? Like, if I can create anything that I want? Who do I want to be? What do I value now? Things have changed. And that’s a journey in itself.
Clinton Brown
It sounds like Emily; it sounds like you shed an identity you were handed, and you created an identity like one was on the outside, and a new it had to go away for the new one on the inside to come out that was you more, the more you add a new an integrity to where you’re at now. I think that yeah, so much of that, you know, what popped the mind when you were sharing that was in my wild world of being interested in lots of things I do and, and help with prairie land fires. And the restorative practice of a fire. It’s, it sounds crazy that we would take a pretty good-looking field and burn it to nothing. Hmm. And then, but the like this Wednesday, get to go look at one of the prayers we burned. And it’s, like, way more life that we started over afterward. And this renewable cycle is part of nature, like the prairies in North America, which used to burn about every five to 10 years naturally. Now we control fires and have all the challenges with that. But yeah, nature has these cycles of renewal and start over and, and death and rebirth that we might we seem to think it’s like one long story all the way through and just can’t find that nature. So it’s no surprise that it has that sort of aura about it.
Emily East
100%, and we’re part of nature. Yeah,
Clinton Brown
Yeah. Yeah, it
Emily East
Makes a big difference.
Clinton Brown
Yeah, I know. That’s as, again, as Westerners, we see humans in nature; we have a hard time realizing that we are part of nature. Maybe our kids or grandkids will refigure that out. Let’s dive right into some of the language in the intro, which I think fits perfectly with this. You have a quote in here that was really strong because we have the power to turn to do into being control and to surrender judgment into acceptance and separation into connection. Can you talk to me and unpack that transformation a little bit more than the really powerful words?
Emily East
I feel like that. That’s literally the whole part of the book. And it really defines what I’m sort of calling and labeling the old paradigm versus the new paradigm of motherhood. And I very much feel like the old paradigm of motherhood was very much focused on what we did for our children, what we achieved, and what we produced. And with that comes a lot of control. And we separate ourselves from our intuition to do what we feel that we should do, or we separate from ourselves to ask for expert advice because there’s so much opinion and noise out there is sort of that is the old paradigm of looking outside of ourselves before we look inward. And the new paradigm is very much more so about who we are and the energy that we bring rather than what we do. And there’s a story that I sort of share in the book, which I think is really helpful is so to give context. I’ve got a two-year-old and a three-year-old. So I think all parents out there like dinner and bath time. Like not a fun time. Like it’s time to roll up the sleeves and like, all right, well, Let’s go do
Clinton Brown
Still, Yes, I have 7, 11, 15, and 17. Yeah, that way. So I,
Emily East
Exactly you’re right. I don’t know why I said just so we’re okay. You’re 100% right. So that was a stressful time. For me, it was stressful, it was stressful, finding something that you know, they were going to eat, that actually was going to have some nutritional benefits that weren’t going to be thrown on the floor, like that was a challenge in itself. And then kids are hungry like they’re pulling your leg, you’re trying to work on this job. And then it’s just full hectic, you’re in tears, I’m flustered. And it’s just a stressful time. And I can imagine my husband walking in that door going work, work. The air in here is thick with tension. And when we sit down to eat, like there’s crying, there are people there’s being miserable, I’m stressed for ease on the floor. And it’s just a really tough time, and what my focus is, in that situation, my focus is what my children are eating, my focus is getting stuff done. My focus is, you know, trying to do what I feel like I should do. And I think this didn’t sort of come in an epiphany, this is sort of, you know, small aha moments compounded altogether, where it was like, Who am I at that moment? Who am I being in that situation? What energy am I bringing? I’m stressed, I am anxious. I’m so much tension. And my kids regulate their own nervous system by following mine. I’m setting the tone. Yeah, I don’t have, and we dive into this, and I won’t sort of go into it. But you know, our children regulate their own nervous systems by the adults in their lives, then I was stressed. And, of course, they were stressed. And, you know, it’s, it was a real wake-up call for me to go okay, like, yes, dinner time. And bath time can be stressful, but let’s find ways where I can focus less on the doing and more on the being and who I am. And so dinnertime became a signpost I could flag posts for me to really check in. And what I would do is I would pull myself like a fancy drink, I’d have like soda water, or sometimes I’d have like the little energy fears. I have a fancy store and put some glass on, you know, put it in a fancy glass and some ice, and then I’d put some music on, and I would dance while I cook. And my kids would dance as well. Sometimes I’d put music on for me. Sometimes, I put music on for them. And the energy just shifted. When we sat down, I might still have the same problems. I might still have, you know, foods thrown on the floor. But it was less heavy. It was more like I was able to handle it with more grace and more resilience than that. And I think, and I don’t think any other mother would sort of argue this is, I think children. Children feel our energy more than what they feel I give I do for them. So I could take them to the best playdates, I could take them to the best parks, I could do all the best arts and crafts that there are. I could be like that Pinterest Instagram shiny mom. But if it’s at the cost of me being stressed, if it’s the detriment of my energy, if I’m feeling low, then it’s like, what am I really teaching my children? I’m teaching my children that to love someone, it means that your needs aren’t, your needs don’t matter, or to love someone, you have to do your best. And you have to
Emily East
It’s more about what you do than actually who you are. And, you know, loving someone means ignoring if you’re stressed and you’re doing anyway as you push on. And that’s sort of not the vibe that I was sort of going for. So I really feel, and I really believe, that children. And I know that children are more reactive to our energy than what we do. So I could serve them. Chicken Nuggets, I could send them a jam sandwich. And if I did it with a smile on my face, they would be happy, as opposed to me giving them, you know, the most organic, delicious food stressed out of my brain. So I think it’s about shifting that. And once I sort of did start to make that shift about, you know, what energy am I bringing? Who am I actually being? Who am I being rather than what I’m doing or what I should do, then, you know, the less focus it was on what I feel like I should be doing or it was less about taking these big grand risks or doing these massive big things, and I started to nail the basics, and I started to now the small one percenters, and I was consistent with those small one percenters, and then I built this foundation And when I did have more energy to serve up more than frozen chicken nuggets or a sandwich for dinner like I built that foundation in that way by shifting my focus on to the energy and to who I was and who I wanted to be, and I wanted to be, I want to be a fun, Mom, I want to be in a safe place I want to be I want my kids to have memories of me dancing in the kitchen, I have beautiful memories of my grandma cooking in the kitchen, and she would sing, and she would have this beautiful floral dress on and I just when I think of that, I feel something. I feel I feel joy when I feel that. And you know what, I don’t even remember what she was cooking. Do you know what I mean? So it’s just sort of; I would love my kids to have that memory as well. So there are a few stories sort of like that weaved in the book, as well.
Clinton Brown
Yeah, they are. There are some great stories in there to sort of illuminating the concepts that do appreciate that you, you are weaving a tapestry of concepts, you circle back and tie things together quite a bit as you’re going through. And so it’s not just like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, and they, you know, you move on, you definitely hang out, I want to weave back into this talk of paradigms. I took a note here. And so you talked a lot about paradigms. And so I; I love etymology, which is the study of the origin of words. I just love it. I have an app on my phone. And the most used app by far by my kids, it’s I’m always looking this up. And so I learned today that the word paradigm actually means to exhibit or represent something, but it literally means to show side by side. It’s a second view of a paradigm. And that we have, it’s just it’s a conceptual structure that we’ve made outside of our situation about our situation. And it isn’t even the situation itself. It’s the model of the real thing that we created. So when we’re the funny thing about paradigms, when we’re paradigm-shifting, it’s like we’ve designed this little clay model of our life. And then it gets broken, and we have to make a new little clay model. And I think you’re calling to an even. You’re asking for something even more. And you’re saying there’s a real you that you’re modeling in this clay model in this paradigm. And I think that that’s sort of the view I saw with you in this transformation early in the book was that you had this view of yourself outside of yourself, like, what kind of sports you played or whatever. And then you had to go back inside you to figure out, what was that? And am I making a new one? And if so, what is it about? And so I just found that sort of helpful. I mean, I use the word paradigm a lot. And in our world, I want new paradigms and old paradigms, but I’d never thought about sort of this like, model of something else. Right? It is the second view of something and is the representation of something. Do you feel that you now have, you know, a better understanding of when you’re when it’s the real Emily and not the outside? Emily? I mean, do you feel like you have easier access to the truth of yourself?
Emily East
Hmm, yeah, that’s a really juicy question. I love that. And I think I had an experience of that. Just last night, actually, I was my children was restless. So I was sort of not sleeping. And I was just sort of losing myself in the sense of worry and conflict. And I felt like in the dark, all my problems just really got bigger. And then it was only sort of this morning that I was able to just sort of settle and go. I can’t believe it was almost like, wow, I was really worried about that last night. But I don’t think it’s that big of a deal now. And I sort of took a moment. And this is sort of something that I sort of practice. I took a moment to really let that land and to go. That conflict that I was feeling could have really, you know, I could have really parked there and stayed there for a really long time. But I was able to sort of move through it a lot quicker. And I think that sort of comes with a little bit of shadow work that you do when you understand what your triggers are. And what I mean by the trigger is all humans are triggered by something where it’s sort of like an unhealed part of ourselves. That hasn’t been healed yet. So it might be, you know, all humans have this desire to be connected with someone, so we all Have that abandonment trigger. We don’t want to be abandoned. We don’t want to be alone. All humans have that. Because when we’re social beings, we’re meant to be together. So doing that sort of deep work, which motherhood really opened the door for me to do, it was like, here’s an invitation because my children are triggering me, you know, they’re sort of going making me snap or yell or, you know, discover parts of me that I didn’t know that I had, and not necessarily parts that I want to admit that I had. And that was a real invitation to do that. And once I did that work, thank you, My children, for helping me understand what my triggers are, even though it’s not super fun. Having that understanding is going, Okay, this is a trigger. And this is an old wound. And that’s actually not me. That’s actually not the part of me. So, you know, another example, I’ve got a twin sister, and, and she and I were really close, and we live just around the corner from each other. And, you know, sometimes we can trigger each other. But we are both at the place right now where we don’t act on our triggers. So if she triggers me, you know, an example might be, you know, ringing her and having an angry conversation, or texting her something that sort of a bit manipulative or mean, and just holding space for maybe wanting to do that, and failing to do that, and maybe our body wants to fight. Or maybe I’ll, maybe we just want to retreat. And in my case, I just want to retreat, I just want to shut out the world, I just want to go to bed, I want to just hide. When I notice my body wanting to do that, it’s so helpful to go, oh, that’s just an old, unhealed part of me. That’s actually not me. And once I do that, it’s just like, ah, that’s not actually who I am. And then it sort of really gives a lot of self-compassion, a lot of self-compassion with that language, and it’s almost like, Okay, here’s our trigger, I understand my trigger, I understand why I’ve been triggered. And, you know, here’s what I can do about it, I can either set a boundary, or I can heal that part of me or whatever. And just sort of like elaborating on that, understanding who I was, and the not, they’re not really part of me to the real part of me.
Emily East
Having that language and that communication, what that has done for my marriage, and my relationship with my husband has been incredible, has been incredible. It’s been transformative, not to say it’s made everything easier, but it definitely hasn’t made things easier for us. But it has given me the language to explain what’s happening, and in a way that I’m not blaming him for anything. He’s not taking responsibility for me because the masculine in our lives wants to hold us and protect us, and they feel responsible. So if I’m feeling sad, and I’m having really angry, angry emotions or I’m feeling really depressed, my husband takes that on, and he feels responsible for that, that for me to have been able to have those conversations of knowing this is my trigger. This is why I was triggered. This is what it was from. I think it helps lighten his load a little bit. And it gives me responsibility and power. And it also puts us on the same page because I can say to him. Actually, you triggered me. This is what you did to trigger me. Please don’t do that again. I’m gonna set a boundary about it or just know that that’s a trigger for me. So if that’s how I react, no, it’s not your fault. It’s just how I’m feeling, you know, just sort of really helps in that sense. I sort of have veered off the track there a little bit. But I think that’s the new paradigm. I think the new paradigm of motherhood is understanding who we really are and using the emotional states that motherhood pushes us through as invitations to look into ourselves and to do our own healing. And that’s not easy work, and it’s not for everyone. But it’s the way forward, and it’s the way that we’re not just going to heal ourselves and heal our children, but it’s honestly it’s how we’re going to heal the planet.
Clinton Brown
My sort of final question to you here only is I felt like in the intro in the preface that you were suggesting that the crazy journey of motherhood is just the journey. Would you agree with that or disagree?
Emily East
There’s so many, you know, there are so many of those quotes that are like it’s not about the destination. It’s about the journey. And I sort of play with that a little bit. Because sometimes I’m like, why can’t it be that a destination? Why do you currently have it? Why can’t you have a vision and figure out the rest? Why can’t you have a clear vision and then whatever comes up for you work through it when it comes up? But there’s also merit and just enjoying it as well. And I think letting go of that control and letting life guide you because also, sometimes you have a vision of what you think you want, that you don’t actually really want that, and life has better plans for you as well. So it is a journey, but there’s also there’s the destination as well. And why do we have to choose one? We can have both. We can have the journey, we can enjoy the journey, we can also have a destination as well, but in a way that we stop and we celebrate our strengths, and that we enjoy it and we let life go. And we let life guide us, and we surrender to it as well. And we learned to enjoy and ride the waves of life that ebb and flow rather than sort of trying to swim against it or getting so stuck, which we can do. We can get so stuck in that vision. And we can get so attached to it that we grip really tightly like we sort of spoke about with our identity, and things can’t flow into our life. We don’t create room for anything. Right. So I think it’s just, it’s about both, it’s about the journey. And it’s also about the destination as well. So I think in my book as well, I sort of also talked about what your goal is, and parent, you know, and a lot of people, the most common response is for my children to be happy. I personally want to aim higher than now. I want to aim bigger than that. I want my children to grow up to be adults who can regulate themselves when they’re dysregulated, who can take ownership of themselves, who can push through challenges when they’re faced with them, and to stand up when things aren’t feeling good for them and to change have the courage to create change. And to also obviously feel joy and feel loved and, but also to have relationships that test them and that they grow through. And so, and I think that’s, I think that really is every parent’s dream as well. It’s not to sort of, and to do that and to create that. We have to do it ourselves. The mirror is so,
Clinton Brown
So so true. Well, hey, here’s what I’d like to do. This has been a really interesting discussion about the beginning of the book, I want to go ahead, and we’ll wrap up this one. The whole point of this show is to do it chapter by chapter. Let’s let chapter one just kind of hold its own weight. Because the Yeah, I mean, here we are, we’ve talked for nearly an hour just about the preface and intro to give you an idea of how juicy her book is. So let’s go ahead and wrap up this episode, and then I’ll have you back on, and we’ll do chapter one. And we’ll start going through these chapters so everybody can enjoy it. I will say, chapter one is in the first part of the book, where she starts to break down even more the doing versus being, so we’ll be talking about that. And then chapter one’s title is surrender is the new hustle. Which is not surrender is not a word you hear a lot of people using yet, but I think it’s coming on. And then here you’ve got it as a chapter title. So am I. Thank you so much for breaking down the concepts at the beginning of your book. And check the show notes. You can find out all the details. You can all connect to all the Emily stuff where you can follow all that she’s got going on. And in the next episode, we’re going to dive into chapter one. Emily, thanks so much for being on today.
Emily East
Wonderful. Thank you, Clint.
Emily facilitates transformational experiences for heart led women and mothers. She’s spent the last 10 years exploring her own personal and spiritual growth, which was propelled forward when she became a mother. It was a truely pivotal point in her life, shifting her centre of gravity and relinquishing her values. Emily realised that her definition of a ‘good’ or ‘successful’ mother didn’t match that of others or society. Believing that there is beauty in being sent to the scary depths of our being in motherhood, being confronted by our shadows was not something to hide or continue to repress. But an opportunity for a sacred awakening if met with curiosity, openheartedness and compassion. When we remain open to our inner life as we navigate the trial of mothering, we will also gain great insights, priceless wisdom and an abiding experience of wholeness. It will alter the very nature of our relationship with life — and ourselves. To be a ‘successful’ mum, Emily maintains that the only work we have to do is reveal our inner wisdom, and when we do, we will receive anything we ever wanted, including being the mother we so truely desire to be. Emily is a coach, trauma informed, breathwork informed, yoga instructor, author, positive psychology educator and has learned many tools along the way. She now lives in Victoria, Aus, with her husband and two boys and shares her work worldwide.
