Helping Children Set Boundaries this Holiday Season
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” or so the traditional carol says. For some, this may be reality. For others, the holidays bring a sense of discontentment, anxiety, fear, and many other difficult emotions. Perhaps you experienced childhood trauma that has brought on these emotions. Maybe you are now a parent yourself and want to protect your children from those same experiences. But how do we do that without causing drama at holiday gatherings? How do we do this without being “rude”?
It’s important to remember that children are human beings who have a right to their own bodies. Communication with our children is key in helping them understand that right they have over their bodies.
Communicate openly before attending holiday events about hugs, kisses, cheek pinches, and other potential physical-contact interactions. Children often feel powerless to say “no”. Teaching them respectful ways to say no and, if appropriate, offer alternatives, helps them implement and enforce boundaries at an early age.
So, what can you teach your child to say to support them in setting boundaries?
“No, thank you.”
“I don’t feel like a hug, how about a high five?”
“Kisses are only for (mom/dad/parent/guardian/etc.), but I’d be happy to (give a hug, fist bump, etc.).”
“It’s so nice to see you, but I’m not feeling up to a (hug/kiss/high five).”
For boundary setting for your kids to be effective, discuss and practice how to do this before a gathering or interaction with family and friends.
Communicate to your kids that it’s okay for them to not want to be touched. Teaching them simple tools and phrases can help ease their anxiety when the interaction occurs. You know your child best! So you know their demeanor and can assist them with some ways to creatively say no.
If setting boundaries is not something familiar within your family or friend group, it’s likely that your child will receive pushback. So advocate for your child by not only communicating with your children, but with your family and friends too. Be the change in your family or friend group! Ask your friend’s kid if they want to high five or ask your young cousins if they feel up for a hug on Christmas morning.
After all your hard work, you still might see your child’s boundaries being questioned or challenged. If this happens, step in and assist them immediately. Two important things that happen when you act as an advocate for your children: 1. You provide safety; and 2. You encourage autonomy.
We can give our children the courage to use their voice and speak up in ways that we never felt empowered to do. Doing so will cultivate healthier adults.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard adults say that they feel they are being “rude” by implementing a boundary. Having this fear is actually a trauma response. In other words, adults who struggle to implement boundaries within their own lives for fear of being rude are likely dealing with trauma. An adult who struggles to set a boundary may also feel the need to over-explain the boundary, which is also a trauma response. Normalize being ‘rude’ in situations where boundaries are being implemented and protected, because in the end you are being kind to yourself.
Much like Santa, who sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake, our children are watching us. Do not underestimate the power of modeling politeness and healthy boundaries with your children. Learning not to say ‘yes’ when we really mean to say or want to say ‘no’ teaches our children boundaries. It also teaches them that “no” is an appropriate response and a complete sentence. As a result, they will also learn to accept the word “no” as a meaningful and respectable response.
Evidently, we, as a whole society, need to improve our boundary setting skills. There is no time like the present to perfect these skills for both the parents and the children’s sake.
Healthy boundaries, respect, and consent are some of the greatest gifts that we can give to our children this holiday season!
