GOP Thanos vs. Dem Avengers, or Literally a Play About The Literal in One Act

Timothy Braun
Nov 4, 2018 · 5 min read

In the culture of forgetfulness, memory alone has no meaning

-James Baldwin

Scene.

(Earth. Present Day.)

GOP Thanos: I’m here to kill half of the entire universe.

Dem Avengers (Collectively.): Let’s have a civil discourse and find a compromise.

GOP Thanos: …Did you not hear what I said? I crave to murder half of you. Literally half of all living things.

Dem Avengers (Collectively.): Oh, well, we will politely ask people to vote.

GOP Thanos: I’m flabbergasted. I’m the personification of twisted evil, I’ve worked for years to consolidate power in my hand, and you guys are gonna vote.

Dem Avengers (Collectively.): Voting matters.

GOP Thanos: Yeah, it does, but you need to do more. You need to be active in the community, challenging antagonists. Do you guys realize I’ve methodically rigged a system since the Voters Rights Act that has nurtured a shotless civil war undermining marginalized communities…

Dem Captain America: Aww. Civil War!

GOP Thanos: No, I’m not referring to one of your story archs…

Dem Captain America: Ouch. You poked my heart.

GOP Thanos: Sigh. Look you literally outnumber my gang and me. You arguable have more power, man…

Dem Luke Cage: Did somebody say Power Man?

GOP Thanos: No, and you aren’t even in this story. Listen, I’m going to murder half of EVERYTHING in the snap of my fingers. After that I’m still gonna retain all the power. Relying on a rich womanizing alcoholic to save the day is not a solid game plan for you.

Dem Iron Man: I’m like a Kennedy.

GOP Thanos: No. You are not. A Kennedy would fight fascism. The assault on trans identity, voter suppression, this is just step-by-goose-step fascism. This isn’t America heading towards fascism, you already there and I’m kill half of…

Dem Groot: I am Groot!

GOP Thanos: When I go low you go high? How has that worked out for you? What are you gonna offer next? A “better deal?” I’m evil! None of this is coming out of nowhere. I just murdered my daughter for a shiny stone from a Nazi. Have you forgotten about the Nazis? I’m literally using their playbook. Look, um, do any of you know what gerrymandering is?

Dem Groot: I am Groot.

GOP Thanos: M’Kay. The talking tree from outer space knows what gerrymandering is?

Dem Groot: I am Groot.

GOP Thanos: You are going to make hats and signs and t-shirts and protest and march for an afternoon. Do you not know who your audience is? I am in power, and I don’t care about any of that garbage. If I even notice I just think you look like freaks and don’t listen to your demands. On top of that protests don’t work unless they are long and drawn out. Protesting for an afternoon is a joke to me. It might make you feel good for a few hours, but at the end I’m still the fascist in power. You are supposed to be Earth’s mightiest heroes. When my people didn’t even have a hearing for Merrick Garland wasn’t that a hint as to what we’re doing? And, you guys did nothing. Look, can I talk to Thor?

Dem Thor: Hey, Buddy. Nice blouse. It compliments your eyes.

GOP Thanos: It is armor, Thor. You of all the people should know that. I’m here to fight and kill…

Dem Thor: (Whispering to Dr. Strange’s Cloak of Levitation.) Well, somebody needs to learn how to take a compliment.

(The Cloak of Levitation looks at Thor with an expression of “How on Earth am I the only one who can see that GOP Thanos is not just an existential threat, but a danger to life as we know and understand it? Why aren’t we doing something?”)

GOP Thanos: I killed your brother…

Dem Thor: Half brother. Let us maintain political correctness.

GOP Thanos: I killed all of your people, including your black friend…You’ve seen people like me before. History doesn’t repeat, but it rhymes, and you are complacent in this song.

Dem Thor: Oh! FYI, I have a new black friend. He dresses like a panther. Nice guy. Has daddy issues.

GOP Thanos: You all have daddy issues! Every last one of you. That is probably why you just sit back and allow my plan to happen, let people like me happen. Can I talk to Hawkeye or Ant Man?

Dem Captain America: They aren’t here.

Dem Scarlet Witch: They are probably voting.

GOP Thanos: And you. I just murdered your robot lover, and by the way, was I not the only one creeped out by that whole relationship?

Dem Falcon: We are very tolerant.

GOP Thanos: Maybe a little too tolerant. Literally. Let’s back up.

(Every Avenger takes a step back.)

GOP Thanos: Sigh. Not literally.

Dem Black Widow (To Bruce Banner with sexual tension for no reason whatsoever.): Wow, this guy is really stuck in his own bubble.

GOP Thanos: I’m the one stuck in a bubble? You’ve been in these story lines for ten years and haven’t gotten a solo project. Who is stuck in a bubble?

Dem Black Widow: Disney has us in a democratized process.

Dem Avengers (Collectively.): That is why we need to vote.

Dem Dr. Strange: It is all Kool and The Gang. I’ve seen 14 million timelines and you win in all but one, and we are literally banking that this is the one, with a lot of convoluted and intricate time travel, and stuff. And if not, at least we can say we voted and were, like, really civilized. Because when you go low, we go…

GOP Thanos: Don’t say it. You know what? (Snaps fingers murdering half the universe include Groot, and Dr. Strange’s Cloak). There. Now I need to find a way to blame you guys for killing half the universe and make me the victim, maybe blame the media and free press. Oh, and sorry about your tree friend, raccoon guy.

Dem Rocket: It is okay. I’m just going to vote against you in the next election.

GOP Thanos: Really? You Dems are always playing checkers on my chessboard. (Looking in a mirror as he has a deep down existential crisis that being a fascist dictator is not fun if no one stands up to you.) Sigh. (Snaps his fingers again killing the other half the universe.)

(Blackout.)

End of Play. Literally.

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