FEAR: Should your children respect or fear you?
I have these thoughts of FEAR that have changed and continue to change. My wife said she can sometimes see the fear in my boys before they speak to me. That fear scares me, and does not drive me by any means, but part of me thinks it’s a necessary fear. I feel boys in general need a level of fear of their fathers, but it’s not the fear I want to instill if it creates the negative outcome that my wife describes. My parents and grandparents believed in ruling with the harshness of whippings as I believe most do. Fortunately, I have not had to punish my kids with a belt, at least my oldest, in years. Just to give you some perspective, my oldest is now 11 and I think the last semi-whipping he received was when he was 6 years old.
My youngest son, for reasons I still don’t understand to this day, played with matches when he was 8 and I felt compelled to rule with the iron fist in that moment, but there hasn’t been a moment since then that I have had to raise my hand to reprimand him.
Ultimately, I want them to fear me for the consequences of their actions not my stature. I would rather they fear me so that they can deal with the world in general. I want my kids to fear me such that they are always thinking; “oh my dad is going to kill me if I do that.” Part of me thinks that the fear of me will keep them out the way of the police, and scare them from the ills of this world they are now presented with. Because of this I tell my kids I love them, I kiss my sons and say out loud I love them. I provide for them, as any great Father should, and I give them quality time.
So, do I accept the fear my children show as a hazard of being a father? Or do I change and soften my approach to make them less fearful of the man who loves them the most?
I can count on one hand the number of ”whippings” I received and looking back they were all warranted so I see the value but I never want my boys scared of me. However, part of me goes by my moms creed as well “We Aren’t Friends”. I laugh about those words now, but I see her point, and I understand you can’t be a parent and a friend. One thing for sure, you cant be that to a young black male, they need boundaries at home before they walk out the door to protect them. Its crazy that I am also fearful of hitting my lighter skinned 8yr old as I would hate for his school to think he is being abused. Ironically, I can see my own fears for the consequences of my own actions. I’m scared of what my wife thinks of the disciplinarian she married and how I maybe evolving. I’m scared of losing my sons before they have seen the world for themselves; before they kiss a girl as some have left before they got that chance.
It seems as though my fear stems from my love of Bryce and Byron Jr. I think from a moms perspective she might even see it as bullying. That’s truly another conversation for another day, but I wonder was I bullied by my coach, by my friend on the block or was it all for the greater good to make me tougher. Being my kids don’t grow up in the world I did; who will bully them in a “good way”, which makes them tougher. It all seems to fall on me in this world, I have to make them tough, make them fear something and still love them and show them love. So I have to be sensitive, I have to show myself even more transparent. My son rode his bike in the street and the car saw him he didn’t see the car at all. So I let him get to the porch I was bout to kill him, I step back and hug Bryce I say son you scared me, you truly scared me because I wouldn’t have you anymore if you were hit by a car. I think I still scared him but I didn’t touch him. Go figure.
Perspective by: Byron Pullen
Curated by: Awesome Black Dads
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