The Other Awesome Dad: Life After Divorce
When you think of an awesome black dad, you think of the father who is there with his child, being a major part of his or her life. You also think of the dad who is living a co-parenting life and only gets to see his child 30% of the time, but still makes the best of it. However, there is another awesome black dad we don’t talk about much. Due to current circumstances, I know this one personally.
This awesome black dad was the one who spent time in a marriage, raised his kids, and then had it all taken away. This dad is the one that has to fight himself back to normalcy and do it not just for himself, but for his children, whose mind is not developed enough to comprehend what’s going on. I could say the guy was perfect, but that would not be true. If perfect, things would not be where they are today.
What do you do when you’re the father who attended all the games, volunteered when called upon, changed the diapers, tossed the ball in the back yard and advocated for children. It all goes out the window when going through a divorce. How do remain awesome during a bad divorce? One where the mom’s allegations toss out all deposits made to the emotional bank of your children as a father.
How can you be awesome when you become alienated from your children and all rights as a father are overlooked by our own legal system? How can you be awesome when you deal with emotional and financial drain? You stay hopeful and in prayer no matter how long.
I’m the unfortunate Awesome Dad in these circumstances. Things are tough. You hear horror stories from other Fathers about 4,6, and 10 yrs. Yes, I said 10 years of litigation, just to see your kids. Family members and loved ones suggest that I let go, walk away, gain peace, or that it won’t be over because I chose to leave court. Friends start to understand how fathers really can walk away.
Some may assume that I must have done something awful. However, I have never hurt my children, my child support is up to date, and I have never abused my ex-wife. The truth is that part of being a father in my opinion is being able to co-exist with the mother, married or not. When one party is counterproductive it only hurts the children. These are all things we know, but don’t always act on.
Sometimes I have negative thoughts about my ordeal. But because I know the story will be one asked by my children, I stay on the honest and level headed side of things. I have the pleasure of doing many things for my children and the way I look at being awesome for them now is by enduring this chapter in our lives.
The daughter of an awesome black father tells me from time to time, keep fighting, your children will appreciate you in the end.
My mother and father had a bad divorce, she wanted me to say he abused me and all type of things, she kept me from calling my father and his side of the family and all. Summers spent with my father after separation were taken away and then it happened. Her bad decisions caught up with her and placed me and her in an awful bad spot and at age 12 I had to go live with my father. To think it all started when I was 6 years old. The Dad of this story looks at me and says “Is she a daddy’s girl?” She answers for him with a nod and he says that it makes it all worth it. As an adult she talks candidly about how it shaped her life and her view on how there are very few resources to guys like myself. A mom will get free therapy, shelter, and even free legal services off the backbone of an allegation of wrong doing, while a good father has to prove why he is good.
If you know me, you know I am a guy who has lived his life to never be seen in a bad light. But in front of a judge, I’m no different than a guy who locked a refrigerator and kept food away from his children. That’s the light version. There are fathers in society who are in and out of jail, want no claims to their children and even they have the ability to see their kids, exercised or not. Often times the productive men of society, who are doing the work and have something worth taking monetarily have to endure extra challenges. Being awesome does not mean being perfect, having a heart and motive to do right by another human being makes you awesome. In that instance, even in my circumstances I claim title of Awesome Black Dad. I will endure and for my namesake who asked me to spend a little time writing, it is a little therapy and I will update you when things change.
I welcome any questions about what I am going through in the comments section. Having this platform is a start, banding together for times like this is even more important.
Sincerely,
Awesome Father of 4 all by one women.
Yep I said that!
Perspective by: Terrell L. Marshall
Curated by: Awesome Black Dads
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