Bi.a.h.s Convention 2005

Hermitconvention

Attendance was poor at this past weekend’s BiAHs Convention 2005. Blame for the failure was placed on the following email that, according to sources close with the union, “says too much”. The email was circulated to over 40,000 homebound people. Sadly, due to the author’s name it was filtered as spam on almost every junk mail program.

Thank you for your interest. My name is F. Merkin and I want to tell you about an exciting experience to dazzle the hardest shut-in; The BI-Annual Association of Hermits local #003 Chapter. If you weren’t previously aware, The BiAHs seek to improve the overall standards and quality of shut-ins and introverts. This event will feature several lectures and classes for your interest. Enclosed is the day’s itinerary.
The BI-Annual Association of Hermits local #003 Event Itinerary:
9:00am: Arrival and Check-In
9:45am: Opening Remarks: Ice Breaking Q & A with TAB and Daylight Doughnuts*.
10:00am: Archibald (Pete) Murphies, of Ashland Kentucky, gives a demonstration of advanced whittling and figurine techniques. Watch Pete carve a beautiful rose in less then 75 seconds!
11:00am: Exhibiters and salesmen from several leading blinds makers, like Hunter Douglas, or Bali Grabler will be in attendance. Their 30 minute presentations will catch you up on all the modern achievements made in the field of blind construction, and agoraphobic conscious features. Using polyfoloboic induction process these “Super Blinds” will appear seamless to anyone looking towards your window. Yet you will have a peep whole the size of a 2ft by 2ft square. Now you can see what thoses kids are doing!
12:00 pm: Lunch break. Crabby patties, Hot & Spicy Cheez-its and “Darwinian” Punch will be served. A drawing for door prizes will be given. You could go home with a $100 gift certificate from Hunter Douglas.
1:30pm : Tawnee Brandle shares her worries and apprehensions with you. Find out what you really should be scared about, plus several more. Her insight comes from secret government transmissions coming from within her plants. As a hermit, Tawnee kept her own greenhouse that once started talking to her. Her prolific insight from this experience has given her strong misgivings about the future. Now is your chance to FINALLY find out what they don’t want you to know!
4:30pm : Closing remarks, Parking validation lineup.
5:00pm : Conference ends: THANKS FOR COMMING!
I hope to see you at our next BiAH Convention! Remember your registration dues, and be sure to bring your social security card and checkbook for immediate on-site shutter financing!
*Special thanks to Hunter Douglas for providing the Mornings Refreshments and several chairs.
F. Merkin
Associate Vice Person In Charge
Association of Herits local #003

Originally published Monday November, 21st 2005 at axisofstevil.com.