Sodom: What the Bible Really Said

Today’s religious “thing everyone gets wrong”:

1. Sodomy is not gay sex. Sodomy is anal sex (hetero included), oral sex and bestiality. Oral sex has been banned by Christianity for most of the history of Christianity and is still banned today by many churches. Blow jobs are the equivalent of gay sex.

2. God did not destroy Sodom and Gamera because of sodomy.

3. He did not destroy it because of gays.

4. There were no gays in Sodom (as far as we know).

5. Sodom and Gammora were destroyed because people were rude to foreigners and immigrants (and also, they were rapists).

i have no idea who came up with the ridiculous idea that God destroyed Sodom because of homosexuals. Sodom and Gamera were freed from the rule of the Elam by the army of Abram (the guy who later became Abraham, one of the big three Biblical patriarchs, gave up his wife to be raped and tried to kill his son as a sacrifice to God because God told him to). After that, the Sodomites failed to give lots of thanks to God, so he figured they were ungrateful. Also, they were just generally not nice people. How so? No one knows, because all The Bible says is “their sin is very grievous” (Genesis 18:20).

So God says, fuck em, let’s burn them all up. Abram says, you God, i think you’re wrong (people in the early stories routinely told God he was wrong). If you kill a city, you not only kill sinners, you murder innocents. God said, fine, i don’t know if they’re all sinners (because in most of The Bible God is not all-knowing; that was something priests added thousands of years later) so i’m going to send some angels down to check it out. Abram had an ulterior motive of course — his nephew Lot lived in the city and if God killed the city rather than the sinners, he’d be murdering some of Abram’s family.’

So two angels wandered into town and Lot said, yo, let me show you the hospitality we give to strangers and foreigners, come stay in my house. They did and later that night a bunch of townspeople showed up outside, knocked on the door and said, hey, we hear you have foreigners in there, send them out so that we can beat and rape them (rape has historically been a weapon of war, a way of showing who’s boss, which is why U.S. soldiers raped all those Muslim men, their wives and moms in Iraq; why rape is so common in jail; why the Russians raped Rasputin and the Turks raped Lawrence of Arabia). To save the angels, Lot offered to let the men rape his daughters, saying you’ll like raping them, they’re virgins (The Bible never talks about what the daughter, wife or any women anywhere thought about this because The Bible is probably the most sexist book ever assembled). But the men said no, we want to rape the foreigners and hey, you’re an immigrant, right, you don’t tell us what to do in our country you dirty, rotten immigrant. And then they broke into his house, at which point the angels went all Machete on their ass and the audience cheered.

(for those who want to read the not-baylor-paraphrased version, it’s Genesis 19)

Then the angels led Lot and his family out of Hell but told them not to look backwards (the story of Sodom is almost certainly a retelling of the Greek story of Orpheus and Eurydice). Lot’s wife, who doesn’t have a name because she’s a woman so why would a man write her name down, looked back and as punishment for peeking, God murdered her (i’ve mentioned the sexism, right?).

The point is this — God didn’t kill Sodom and Gammora because they were all gay. If they had been all gay, that city wouldn’t have lasted too long, what with the not having kids and all. God was mad because he had done Kings Bera (Sodom) and Birsha (Gamera) a favor in the Battle of Siddim and they weren’t very thankful (Genesis 14), because they turned out to be jerks (which God didn’t realize until after he’d done them the favor of murdering King Chedorlaomer because, again, God was never supposed to be all-knowing) and, and this is the only actual sin discussed in The Bible, because they were rude to foreigners and immigrants.

So how can you tell if God is going to destroy your city in fire and brimstone? You can’t do it by counting the number of openly gay people getting marriages. You do it by counting the number of bumper stickers that say “Speak English or get out” and “America, love it or leave it” and the number of people patrolling the Mexican border with assault rifles. If you’re not a good neighbor, if you carry picket signs protesting people in your town, if you’re a place like Arizona, Florida or Oklahoma, expect God to pelt you with droughts, hurricanes and earthquakes (Oklahoma has gone from 2 a year a decade ago to 2 a day now).

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