Why Christianity Causes Baby Murder

(i’m practicing writing click-bait titles; when i decide to write for money, i am going to be sooooo rich)

Before discussing religious philosophy i’m going to talk history.

As mentioned before, America was never 13 colonies. There were 13 traitorous, terrorist colonies, a Judas number of colonies, that became The Confederacy but they were other colonies that did not betray their country. Today we call them Canada.

i’ve often heard that people came to America for one reason, but that’s not true either. Different colonies had different purposes and people came for different reasons. Some came to enslave their fellow man. They went to what we now call The South (and what we should call the southeast minus Florida, in the same way The Midwest should be called The North-Central). A few came to get religious freedom (Pennsylvania), others came to escape it (Massachusetts). Since this is my daily religious thingy, let’s talk about the religious ones.

Once upon a time there were a lot of little gangs and they constantly killed each other. The violence dropped when larger nations were formed — fighting is between groups, not internal (as much) so larger nations meant more peace. Some nations were conquered (which is how much of China and Japan happened) but in Western Europe the large nations were mostly created by loveless, politically-motivated, arranged marriages. The first large nations after Rome fell were Spain and Portugal because of marriage. It was the marriage of Ferdinand and Isabella that made Spain so rich that it could afford to send a serial rapist across the ocean to torture and enslave the Caribbean (Columbus’ primary goal when he got there was to start sexual human trafficking and because of that killed off most of the men he kept and had the women gang raped as training).

Marriage made the European nations form but it wasn’t what actually united Europe. Europe was really united by the Catholic church. The Vatican set the rules and people followed them (the Vatican obviously didn’t set rules that interfered with national politics, so no rules like “don’t invade other countries”).

Martin Luther, Wittenberg, 95 theses, Protestantism (from “i’m protesting”), 1,500 years of hideous Catholic corruption, etc. You know that stuff so i’m not going to discuss it. Suffice it to say, Western European religion split in two for very good reasons.

And then we have the 3rd religion, which was complete bullshit. i’m going to call this the Dirty Pervert Sex Addict Atheist religion, although the official name is The Church of England, Anglicanism or Episcopelianism. It’s beliefs are simple — fuck the Pope, i’m the king and i want a new wife. It is illegal for a Catholic to get divorced (here illegal refers to Christian law). Still is, although they don’t take it seriously anymore in the U.S., hence all the ridiculous annulments and the church loophole for premarital sex and bastards. The King of England (Henry 8, 1530) wanted to dump his wife and get a newer model, the Pope said no, so he said fuck it, i’m making my own religion which is exactly like Catholicism except that i’m the Pope and i say i can have a new wife. It was the most cynical, fraudulent, blatantly atheist, selfish religion until Scientology came along.

Some people in Great Britain went with it (he’s the king after all), some stayed Catholic (possibly because they didn’t want to go to Hell) and a bunch of internal wars were fought. Blood, guts, veins in your teeth, it was a bad time.

Before the big story let’s talk about oatmeal. By which i mean quaker oats. By which i mean quakers. By which i mean William Penn. Dude was seriously rich. The king not so much. He borrowed a lot of money from William Penn. Quakers are all nice and stuff. They’re into the whole Jesus thing of not killing people and not casting stones and all that. They’re also not Catholic nor Episcopals. People in England were always kicking them and taking their lunch money. King Charles owed Willy a bunch of money so he paid off his debt by giving them a bunch of Indian land that wasn’t his. Because that’s how white guys think. So Penn and a bunch of Quakers came over here and created the great state of Delaware. They immediately set about doing Quaker things like democracy, religious freedom and negotiating treaties with the Indians whose land they just showed up on. Oh yeah, they also got Pennsylvania. Delaware and Pennsylvania.

So the Quakers came here to escape religious persecution in England and have a “believe what you want” religious freedom democracy here.

The pilgrims were the exact opposite. They weren’t nice, weren’t democratic and hated religious freedom. They were like the 700 Club of 17th century England. And like the 700 Club, they claimed their country was the most sinful country in the world, uniquely sinful like no one else ever other than Sodom and Gomora, and God was going to kill them all, just like how he uses hurricanes today to murder people in South Carolina for allowing homosexuals to exist (he kills gay-paradise Oklahoma using earthquakes; God seems to love killing fundamentalist “Christian” states for some reason). It’s not hyperbole, they literally believed that God was going to murder them all any day now. Faced with this prospect they had to make a decision.

They made two.

Half the people made the decision to run away. They hopped on their boats and ran away to America. Wait, no, that isn’t right. Why do history classes keep telling people that? The pilgrims didn’t ride the Mayflower to America, they rode it to The Netherlands. Anyway, let’s call these the panicky, cowardly fundamentalists.

The second half made the decision to fight sin the way Jesus had taught them — with mass murder. This was the not-so-much-talked-about Crop Top Rebellion (it’s named after their hair, which they wore short because God hates people with long hair, colorful outfits or other signs of vanity). They killed the king, ended the monarchy and replaced it with the “democracy” that the United States later copied and claimed they invented it (George Washington didn’t overthrow two governments to get democracy, he did it to create the British system here with him as the king). This is when Great Britain moved to a “constitutional monarchy”, meaning the king got to wear a funny hat but had zero power. The power was all in the constitution and the hands of the three branches of government (executive, judicial and a two-tiered congress consisting of a senate and a ton of representatives). The 13 traitor colonies didn’t rebel against a king, they rebelled against the American political system because, basically, they were a bunch of whiny bitches (today we say it was taxation without representation but the government was talking about giving them representatives in Congress and the stamp act tax was never collected nor enforced). Anyway, let’s call these the violent fundamentalists.

The second group doesn’t matter to us so let’s go back to the pilgrims. They left England because it was the most godless, sinning, corrupt nation that had ever existed. They went to The Netherlands (whose people are called the Dutch because that’s short for Netherlands) and discovered that The Netherlands were ever MORE godless, sinning and corrupt. Specifically, Jews. In The Netherlands, Jews were not illegal. They weren’t stoned. They weren’t segregated. They were treated like people, which obviously Jews aren’t. If God would be offended by Episcopals, people who at least believed in Jesus, how would he feel around the people who killed him? Nope, nope, not going to happen. So they got back on the boats and said fuck Europe, we’re going to go where no one we’re not allowed to kill lives. And that’s when they finally lowered themselves to come here.

To recap, we have slavers down south, Christians and religious freedom types our west (to the extent that Pennsylvania was west at the time) and religious extremists in the north east. Different colonies for different people.

(an aside: England didn’t give a shit. The U.S. lost every war we “fought” against England, including the revolutionary way, but England always let us have our way because they figured we were worthless losers who weren’t worth the effort; the group England cared about was The Caribbean, where black people were turned into rum; the Judas colonies had nothing of value and weren’t worth the expense but the islands generated valuable exports)

So that’s the history part. Now for the religious philosophy part. How does Christianity cause baby murder? The reason will surprise you.

(i’m still working on my click-bait titles)

As mentioned in earlier installments of the Totally Ubiased, Fair and Balanced baylor Bible, Christianity began with the idea that Yaweh is super powerful but not all powerful. The priests wanted power so they started telling people that Yaweh is all powerful and all knowing (i don’t know when omnibenevolent came in because that one belief, combined with the others, pretty much makes Christianity unbelievable). The puritans (let’s start calling them Calvinists now, because they and the ones back in England who chose fight over flight are Calvinists) were believers in an omniscient, omnipotent god. They also, for lord knows what reason, believed in Hell.

So here’s the deal — if you’re good you go to Heaven, if you’re bad you go to Hell. You’re bad if you do bad things. You can choose to do good or bad because you have free will. So far so good.

God is omniscient, meaning he knows everything. The situations you face are part of everything. The choices you’ll make in those situations are part of everything. Since God knows everything, he knows what situations you’ll face and what decisions you’ll use your free will to make in those situations. God therefore knows if you’ll go to Heaven or Hell. God knows it the day you’re born. He knows it before you’re born. He knows. And he’s always right. So the day you’re born, it’s already known whether you’re going to Hell. And if it’s already known, it’s already decided. Ergo, the day you are born, it’s already decided whether you’re going to Hell, God knows where you’re going and the only thing that’s really up in the air is that you don’t know.

So here’s the situation — It doesn’t matter what you do because God already knows what you’re going to do and has accounted for it. Heaven of Hell, since God already knows the answer, the answer is knowable and thus already set in stone. Nothing you do can change that. You can’t control where you’re going but you CAN control whether you know. Calvanists in the Judas colonies HATED knowing that their future was determined but not knowing what it was. The suspense was killing them. So some pilgrims, mostly mothers of young children, used their God-given intelligence to figure out a way to find out.

i’m going to give you a second here to think about this. Can you figure out the solution they came up with?

The facts: You are going to go to Heaven or Hell. Certain acts get you into Heaven, others to Hell. You are not told which ones are which, so you have to make some guesses. Man in sinful and selfish so even good deeds might actually be sinful. A logical conclusion: It is pretty hard to say with absolute certainty that you are going to Heaven.

Have you guessed the answer? And why it was women with infants who came up with it?

You are going to Heaven or Hell — you can’t change that, it’s already decided. All you can do is try to figure out which one. You can never prove for certain that you’re going to Heaven but you can make a pretty good guess about whether you’re going to Hell. All you have to do is do something really, really bad. So in the 1600s and 1700s, there was a wave of pilgrim moms drowning their kids in the river. Doing so gave them power over the only thing they felt they could control. They didn’t send themselves to Hell, they merely confirmed what was already known. The only thing that changed is that now they knew for sure. Also, you know, dead baby.

So there you go — the belief in an omniscient God so freaked out the people who really believed so much that they drowned their children to make themselves feel better.

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