Not to Sound Like Your Mom, But Get Off Your Phone When I’m Talking to You

Remember the rule that was always met with a roll of the eyes- “no phones at the dinner table?” I’m starting to feel the need to say this to my friends and peers in social situations. And I feel like my mom.

I’m not going to lie, family dinners were not a big thing in my house growing up. Or, at least, they were, until they weren’t. I’d say they stopped being a thing around the same time that I entered high school. Still, I have two older brothers. And I participated in enough family dinners during my ripe preteen years to remember the dreaded rule: “No phones at the dinner table. Period.”

I remember at times being annoyed at this rule. Yeah, I knew that family time was important, but also, what if the guy that I like texted me on my Samsung flip phone? LOL, just kidding, I didn’t even go near guys as a preteen. But what if one of my friends texted me about Harry Potter or something? The thought of missing something like that, or even delaying it until after dinner, could be painful at times. But I complied.

Now, however, at the ripe old age of 21, I think I completely understand where my parents were coming from. I know one of the things about growing up is that you’re supposed to be able to finally understand why your parents made all those rules. I’m not going to pretend that I suddenly fully understand everything yet, or that I am sure that I ever will. But this is one rule that I hear echoing in my head more and more as I spend time with my own peers, and friends.

Older people love to shit on millennials for being glued to their smart phones. While we certainly are more into technology than any generation in the past, I know that I, along with many others, don’t particularly like that generalization. We may be addicted to our phones, and drowning in our social media accounts, but we have our own set of issues too. Still, I do think there’s some validity to these elders’ complaints.

Picture this situation- it shouldn’t be hard because it probably happened to you today, or at least sometime this week. You’re hanging around with your friends. Maybe you’re all watching a movie, or you’re out to dinner, or you’re chilling on your friend’s bedroom floor talking about how “crazy” last night was. You make at least somewhat of an effort to not spend the entire time on your phone. You know older people would give you hell for doing it, so you refrain.

But then, one of your friends starts looking at his or her phone. And like a line of dominos, suddenly everyone starts pulling out their phones, checking for red numbers or orange hearts, all the while avoiding making eye contact both with everyone else in the room, and with themselves in the fingerprint-coated surfaces of their phone screens.

You see, we know that this is bad. We know that we’re not supposed to spend time meant for socializing with our heads in our phones, because what’s even the point of hanging out then? And yet, when one person does it, it becomes understood amongst the group that it is acceptable to do so. And when more people start playing around on their phones, even the strongest-willed will fall victim as they look around them and notice that nobody is engaged anymore.

Like a line of dominos, suddenly everyone starts pulling out their phones, checking for red numbers or orange hearts, all the while avoiding making eye contact both with everyone else in the room, and with themselves in the fingerprint-coated surfaces of their phone screens.

I am certainly guilty of doing this. I definitely use my phone as a weapon to deflect awkwardness in social situations. If I am in public waiting for someone to meet me, god forbid I have to sit alone for a few minutes and people watch. Instead, I frantically scroll through my phone. At least then, I’m not spending less time engaging with an actual person to go on my phone. But in other scenarios, I’ve definitely been a half-asser, part of me holding an attempt at a conversation, while the other part of me scrolls and taps.

But I’ve also gotten angry about this. Sometimes, in a group of friends, I’ll look around and realize nobody is really talking, everyone is just sitting there on their phones. I think about how it is kind of sad, about how I know that we are all good friends and definitely have a lot we could talk about, and still here we are getting sucked into this virtual vortex.

I guess this rant is my way of saying that I think we should make more of an effort to put our phones in our pockets when we’re hanging out with friends. And yes, maybe it is my own way of telling myself to be better about this. Now more than ever, there is a great need to stop allowing ourselves to be disconnected. Yes, many large groups of people in this world are disconnected from one another. But perhaps part of that problem is that even within these individual groups, and within our small groups of friends and peers, we are disconnecting. We are losing the ability to listen without entertaining ourselves with other distractions. And listening is the rare skill that is becoming increasingly necessary for any positive change to occur.

So I invite you to join me, and start with yourself. Bite the bullet and be that friend that has to sit in a room surrounded by people on their phones for a few minutes if you have to. Keep trying to engage in conversation. And be your mom, if you’re feeling up to it. Tell them- no phones at the dinner table. Make a conscious effort to stop yourself as you instinctively reach for your phone to quell feelings of awkwardness or a lack of stimulation. Use that time instead to think about why you feel that way. Allow yourself to simmer in your uncomfortableness for a bit. And hope that others start to do the same.

I really hope that, even as technology begins to dominate our lives more and more, we can become better at letting our humanness play a role in our day to day lives. People always say you have to be uncomfortable in order to grow, and I always roll my eyes. But I think that it is true. And a huge part of personal growth, and community growth, is genuinely connecting with others. We need to actually talk to one another more, but perhaps more importantly, we need to listen more. And not through a screen. Not over Snapchat, or Instagram comments, or twitter DMs. In real time. It may be cheesy, but I at least know that I don’t want to grow up and tell my grandchildren that there used to be a day when people actually talked out loud to one another, and hung out for extended periods of time, just talking. I don’t want to have to text my grandchildren to tell them about my past. I hope they sit around me, and listen to me, and ask me questions, just as I did with my grandmother when I was just a child. Before I knew what the internet was, or how it would change my life, both for better and for worse.

Disclaimer: I know that sometimes phones can be amazing in helping us communicate with people that we otherwise would not be able to. That’s certainly a positive and I’m not discounting it. Still, I think there is a need to compartmentalize time spent on devices with time spent in face-to-face human interaction. It’s all about balance.