
Risk and Reward, part I
I decided not to take the Keppra. After weighing out the pros and cons of it, I felt that going back to a see-saw of emotions wasn’t a good idea, especially if I should prepare for a hormonal change that will bring on some of those ups and downs on its own. I am not sure if it was the right decision. Could I muscle through the ick of a new, terrible drug, just to maybe have a healthier, seizure-free pregnancy? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad now, 11 years later.
That MAYBE is the kicker. There’s no guarantee the Keppra would keep me seizure-free, and no guarantee the baby would be healthy once here.
But even now I don’t know if it was right to not make the switch. It’s the third week of August, and I would be getting acclimated to the new drug by now. Instead, I’m still not sure what to do.
See, my neuro definitely didn’t think it was the right decision. If I was not going to get on Keppra, he said, I needed to get on Lamictal.
Lamictal. Great, just like oxcarbazepine and Keppra, Lamictal can be a mood stabilizer. It can be used by people with bipolar disorder, and I had a friend in Chicago once who relied on it for an even-keeled temperament. So there I was, back to another suggestion. Another decision. Another drug.
When my seizures began, I wasn’t too excited about getting on anything. I worked in Chicago, surrounded by foodies and the health conscious, and putting anything chemically produced into my body just wasn’t my thing. And I’ve tried to keep it that way. So hearing that instead of working with me to come off the oxcarbazepine, he wanted to put me on something for sure… well, that was a big blow. I stewed over that decision for a few days too, but finally told him (via my hospital’s e-correspondence program),
You said you would work with me to come off off drugs, at least until I had a seizure. Now you’ve changed your mind. I don’t want to be on anything, so will you work with me or not?
The next day, he wrote back. Was it a firm, “No, you must be on something”? Or an “OK, let’s talk about it some more”?
Nope.
“You should be comfortable with your neurologist. I suggest you find a new one. My office can help, or you can look around.”
Wow. It had been a long time since a medical professional so neatly and curtly dismissed my interests. I remember it happening all the time when I was in the hospital. It was always a brain person, then, too. They think they’re God, I guess.
When I read the nero’s message, I cried. Because I have worked with him for seven years. Because I don’t like starting over. Because I felt betrayed and angry at my body. Because I’m confused.
So I did what I could. I called a friend who is a pediatric neurologist, and she suggested a female neuro within the same hospital system I use.
“Maybe she would be more sympathetic to what you want to do, since she’s a woman,” my friend said.
Right, I thought. I feel like everything about about this process is going to be easy. Why would finding a new neuro, one who is in line with what I want to do, be any different?
Turns out, my friend was right. Finally. A bit of good news!
